The Stickler: You've been assigned to freshman hall 2C, and what better way to celebrate the fact that 'C' and 'sea' sound the same than with a charming, pun-based ocean theme. Cute, right? WRONG. Not only has your RA used a college hall pun so tired it makes Benicio Del Toro look alert, but your entire dorm looks like Finding Nemo barfed on it. On top of that, those octopuses were cut individually by hand, which means hours upon hours of meticulous scissorwork. Dedication like that can only come from the most hardcore of RAs.

What You Can Get Away With: Nothing. Like the marine animals covering your door, your RA's senses are so heightened that she can sense an illegal hot plate from five rooms over. Her favorite citation to deliver is a noise violation, so unless you can convincingly argue that you and your friends were attempting to recreate the sounds of orcas during mating season, you might as well just throw those speakers away.

I was dating a girl on and off for several months. It was the anniversary of our first kiss, and I mentioned it to her. She responded with, "Why do you remember that?" and then called me a creep.
-Jason, UNR

You know the song "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's? It's about a guy telling his girlfriend that they can make a long distance relationship work. I used to think it was a cool and cute song. Of course this was before it awkwardly came on the radio right after explaining that I didn't want to date her anymore because long distance relationships don't work.
-Tristan, U of MN

Awhile ago my boyfriend told me his Facebook password after we had been dating for a year because he, "completely trusted" me...of course, he then asked me for mine so I gave it to him. Later, because he trusted me so much, he looked up message threads I had from over three years ago and yelled at me for being a slut.
-Jane, UIUC

1

 

It's Friday and you're just getting off of class.  As you walk home, you wonder why you decided to go to class in the first place.  Friday lectures are always pointless, and you were still hungover from thirsty Thursday.  You realize what's done is done, and now it's time to get ready for the weekend.  John says he knows of someone's birthday party tonight, but first you guys are going to go get some food.  Where do you go?

 

-Taco Bell - Go to page 2

-McDonalds - Go to page 3

 

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2

 

You and John get in his car and head over there.  When you arrive, you order what you always order, 2 Volcano Taco's and Nacho Supreme.  As you eat your food you realize how bad your farts will smell later.  All of a sudden though, your stomach is wrenching like never before.  You go to the bathroom, and begin to feel the volcano truly erupting.  After 5 hours of pain, cries, and shouts to the Taco Bell gods, you realize that not only is the bathroom probably in a toxic state, but that John has left and you won't ever make it to the party tonight.

You are not getting laid.

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3

 

You and John get in his car and head over there.  When you arrive, you order what you always order, 3 things at random off the dollar menu.  You end up with a Double Cheeseburger, Ice Cream, and Soda.  You eat your food and head back to your place.  John calls over Megan, Sarah, Michelle, and Morgan.  Morgan is kind of a douche but Michelle and Sarah rely on him for something to do on weekends, and they are hot, so you kind of have to invite him.  You've never met Megan, but she seems like a whore.  It's about 9:00 and the party starts around 9:30.  John says it takes about 40 minutes to walk there.  What do you do?

 

-Pregame the party for 30 minutes - Go to page 4

-Head to the party - Go to page 5

 

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4

 

You pull out a few handles of liquor and some beer.  Michelle wants to play King's Cup, and everyone agrees, so you get some cards and your Bubba Keg.  You're drinking a strong Bacardi and Coke, John is drinking a Budweiser, Megan and Sarah are drinking some girly drink that has vodka in it, Michelle has a Gin and Tonic, and Morgan is taking pulls of UV.  As you guys play, everyone is getting increasingly drunk.  You pull the first King.  Thankfully you just refilled your drink and pour the entire glass in the Bubba Keg.  The next King is pulled by Morgan, he opts to pour about 5 shots of UV in the King's cup.  John pulls the third King and pours an entire can in the cup.  The mix is volatile, everyone is hoping not to pull the last one, knowing it will do them in for the night.  There's only two cards left.  It's you, and then Morgan.  Which card do you pull?

 

-Left Card - Go to page 8

- Right Card - Go to page 9

 

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5

 

You are all completely sober walking to the party.  Morgan is really starting to annoy you by making sure the spotlight is on him the whole way there.  You're the 2nd group at the party and Morgan's continually annoying you, and you become pissed.  After quickly drinking 5 beers you decide you can't take it anymore.

 

-Punch him in the face - Go to page 6

-Go stand off somewhere else until more people arrive - Go to page 7

 

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6

 

You hit him right under the eye!  But he fell to the ground and is bleeding.  People are starting to look at you like you're insane as you stand there over him.  All of a sudden the birthday girl comes and starts caring for him.  After a few minutes, she decides to kick you out.

You are not getting laid.

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7

 

Standing in the corner you begin to feel better as you can no longer hear him.  But, you can't hear anyone.  No one is still talking with you.  You stand there awkwardly wondering why you're alone.  You go over to the beer pong table and see if anyone wants to be on your team, but no one does.  You begin to feel even more awkward and start getting nervous.  You can't take it anymore, and decide to leave the party.

You are not getting laid.

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8

 

Your hands are shaking as you touch the card, you slowly flip it over.  It's a 3!!!! You drink your Me and watch Morgan as he flips the King over.  He puts his head down in defeat and announces how he's not drinking that.  Everyone begins to call him out on it though and decide to not leave until he finishes it.  He chugs it down, and it clearly isn't sitting well in his stomach.  You all leave for the party and half way there Morgan stops to throw up.  He decides to go home for the night.  You arrive to the party at 10:15 and the basement is packed.  Over by the kegs you see who must be the birthday girl.  John introduces you to her.  Her name is Katie.  As you drink some beer, she asks you what you're majoring in.

 

-Lie and say you are a Communication Arts major, knowing she is - Go to page 10

-Tell the truth and say you are Biology and Pre-Med - Go to page 11

 

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9

 

Your hands are shaking as you touch the card, you slowly flip it over.  It's the King!  You stare down the Bubba Keg, and it looks like a witch's cauldron, filled with a poison to take you out for the night.  You drink it down, but it's not sitting well.  You decide to try to make it to the party, stumbling on your way out.  Nearly instantly you puke on the sidewalk, and head back to your place.

You are not getting laid.

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10

 

She responds with a look of confusion.  She knows nearly everyone in her year that is a Comm Arts major since the classes are small.  You try to recover by saying you are a year older than her, but she's not buying it.  Mad that you lied to her, she leaves you.

You are not getting laid.

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11

 

She responds blankly, not caring about your major is in actuality.  After a few more drinks and talking back and forth, you guys head closer to the speakers and start dancing.  She's having a blast and you are doing everything you can to control your excitement.  After a few minutes she turns around and starts making out with you.  All of a sudden her friend comes over to "talk" to her.  You know what's going on and quickly need to think of something.  After looking around you see that only John and Sarah are available.

 

-Wave down John - Go to page 12

-Wave down Sarah - Go to page 13

 

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12

 

John comes over and you explain how you desperately need a wingman.  John heads over to Katie and her friend and you follow.  But, what's going on?  John is failing to detach this mother hen from Katie.  You can see he's trying his best but nothing he's doing is working.  She keeps a good latch on Katie, making sure you don't end up with her for the rest of the night.

You are not getting laid.

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13

 

Sarah comes over and you explain the situation to her.  Sarah is pretty trashed right now, and you're hoping her drunken bi-curiousness doesn't come out.  You head over to Katie and her friend with Sarah.  Things aren't going well, Sarah is making it obvious that she secretly wants to go experiment with this mother hen.  You begin to feel that feeling you know too well.  But wait, what's this?  The mother hen is starting to become interested.  Her and Sarah head off in the other direction.  Katie has returned to you and thanks you for finding a girl for her lesbian friend!  Who would've known!  She is so grateful because her lesbian friend has been so sad lately after her last break up, and Katie is ready to do anything with you!  You go back to the dance floor and after a little while Katie brings you up to her room.

 

Congratulations, you successfully got laid!