PREPORIOUS DOUCHEBAGIUM "Preppy Douchebag" Pickup line: "You would look good sunbathing at my Nantucket summer cottage." Found: Ivy League campuses, smoking clubs, Rugby stores Wears: Polo shirts, boating shoes, suits at inappropriate times Thrives on: "Intellectual" discussions, purebred dogs, wine coolers Weakness: Actually intellectual discussions.
	FRATERNITORUS DOUCHEBAGIUM "Frat Bro Douchebag" Pickup line: "I made this drink for you." Found: Beer pong championships, The Game, not lectures Wears: College apparel, Birkenstocks with socks, puca shell necklaces Thrives on: Natty Ice, cold pizza, the blood of sorority freshmen Weakness: Correct spelling and grammar.

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"[Company founder David T. Abercrombie's] love for the outdoors was his inspiration for founding Abercrombie & Co., dedicated to producing high-end gear for hunters, fishermen, campers, and explorers...Abercrombie outfitted Teddy Roosevelt's trips to the Amazon as well as Robert Peary's famous trip to the North Pole." (McBride, Dwight A., Why I Hate Abercrombie & Fitch: Essays On Race and Sexuality, p. 62-64)


The setting: a present-day Abercrombie & Fitch store. Teddy Roosevelt enters.

Salesguy: What's up.

Teddy Roosevelt: TURN DOWN THE VOLUME.

Salesguy: Huh?

Teddy Roosevelt: ON YOUR VICTROLA. I HAVE TO SHOUT JUST TO HEAR MY OWN VOICE.

Joe: How was the bar last night?

Craig: Pretty sweet. Took a chick home with me. We were up all night too, if ya know what I mean.

Joe: Talking?

Craig: Exactly. She had the most fascinating personality.

Joe: Did she have a nice set?

Craig: They were perfect. I could get lost in those eyes for hours.

Joe: Sounds like everything went smoothly.

Craig: Well, not exactly. She wouldn't give it up.

Joe: Ugh, prudes...

Craig: I mean, is it really that hard to say "I love you?"

Joe: Girls HATE commitment.

Budweiser, Miller, or Coors
Guys: They don't have kegs at this bar? What kind of low-brow place is this?
Guys buying it for girls: I don't celebrate anniversaries, I don't care about your friends, and as soon as you expect commitment, I will drop you. May as well get used to it.
Girls: Does drinking cheap beer make me look sexy and tomboyish?

Sam Adams, Honey Brown, or Pete's Wicked
Guys: I bet this beer tastes good because it costs more.
Guys buying it for girls: Work study? Hah! That's for suckers. I've got a swanky internship paying me $10 an hour!
Girls: Drinking cheap beer makes me look too tomboyish. Does drinking expensive beer make me look sexy?

Guinness
Guys: I don't intend to get drunk tonight. Thankfully, this beer takes a half hour to finish.
Guys buying it for girls: I don't want you to leave this bar for the next half hour.
Girls: I hope I'm not hung over during rugby tomorrow.

Laptop: Hi...hey, would you mind if I...

LANoftheLost: Password?  

Laptop: Um..."L.A.N.o.f.t.h.e.L.o.s.t"?

LANoftheLost: Are you serious?  How stupid do you think I am?

Laptop: It was worth a shot.

LANoftheLost: Beat it, creep.

Laptop: How about you?

RonsAptWifi: Password?

Laptop: No, sorry, I don't have any passwords right now but if you...

RonsAptWifi: Get out of my face, cheapskate. 

Laptop: OK...sorry to bother you. 

Linksys: Hey there.  You look like you could use a friend.  Could you use a friend, baby?

Laptop: I don't have any passwords, OK?

Linksys: With me, sugar, you don't need one. 

Laptop: OK...how much?

Linksys: Baby, this don't cost no money.  I'm priceless, sugar. 

Laptop: How do I know you're for real?

Linksys: Baby, just ask around.  I've been with half the laptops on this block.  I'm wide open, honey. 

Laptop:  I like what I'm hearing. 

Individually, they're both awesome people who were friends with you pre-relationship. But when their powers combine, they form a crappy Megazord of lameness. Remember the guy who was always down for a game of tackle football? He watches "Grey's Anatomy" every week. Remember the girl you introduced him to? The one you were friends with before he even knew she existed? She hasn't spoken to you in months. Despite whatever friendship you may have had, she's been demoted to "friend's girlfriend" status; which means she sees you as competition for her boyfriend's time. Now whenever you're with him, he's got to leave early to fulfill his daily quota of "sitting around and being boring with his girl." And whenever you're with her- Wait, you're never with her. She decided you aren't friends anymore.