Jake Whitaker's Articles

4 total in November 2007

Lesser Known Trig Functions
by Jake Whitaker November 27, 2007
Entry: fa-sho-sine

Pronunciation: fah show sine
1. a trigonometric function that is used to calculate the ratio of blacks to whites in a social situation
see: i-can't-tell-if-that-guy-is-black-or-tan-gent

Entry: no-mo'-sine

Pronunciation: no more sine
1. a trigonometric function that can, and one day will, destroy all other trigonometric functions
2. yes, even secant
3. you're welcome
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Conversations Between Pens and Their Owners
by Jake Whitaker November 27, 2007

Pencil: Hey man, it's kind of awkward for me to ask you this, but could you please stop chewing on me?
Owner: Woah, what!? Are you kidding me? After all we’ve been through? I thought we had something special.
Pencil: We still do! Of course we still do! Hey, stop crying. Please. It’s just…well, I haven’t gotten any action for like, three weeks, and I’m starting to think it’s from the large amount of teeth marks on my body.
Owner: Are you kidding me? Chicks dig battle scars. Seriously dude.
Pencil: Dude.
Owner: God. Fine.

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How to Own/Show-Off an iPhone
by Jake Whitaker November 06, 2007
1. Go to iStore and iBuy iOne.
2. Learn how to navigate the touch screen (note: this could take days, even weeks, but believe me, it's worth it.)
3. Nonchalantly pull iPhone out of your pocket around others.
4. Respond modestly when others notice the iPhone (note: it will not take long for others to notice, iPhone emits a golden aura).
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Tips/Tricks for Coming Off as a Totally Chill Dude
by Jake Whitaker November 06, 2007

Situation #1: Someone asks for a lighter

Unchill move:

1. Give that person a lighter.

Chill move:

1. Say, “Yeah, I’ve got one, but you can’t use it.”
2. Give coy look, wink (optional).
3. Say, “Haha here you go bro, I was just playin’.”
4. Reiterate the fact that you were just playin’ (this is important).

Situation #2: Someone asks you to put on a chill jam

Unchill move:

1. Put on some Jack Johnson immediately.

Chill move:

1. Pick out a totally lame-o song (i.e. Spice Girls, Christina Aguilera (all hott btw)).
2. Attempt to sing along with the song, but not too well.
3. Laugh, give coy look, wink (optional).
4. Put on Jack Johnson

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