CollegeHumor: User 1166955's Articles

Tips/Tricks for Coming Off as a Totally Chill Dude Pt. 2

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 14:56:54 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> The only thing more chiller than writing an article is writing a sequal. So uh.. I guess theres a lesson in and of itself to be learned. The road to chill is a long one, and this author has a full tank-o-gas.

Situation 1: Walking into a classroom.

Unchill move:

1. Step inside, look for an open seat and walk quietly to your destination.

Icy-cold chill move:

1. Step inside and scream "WHO HERE LIKES TO PARRRRTAY!?"
2. Point at the professor and simply nod.
3. Laugh off any uncomfortable silences, then moonwalk to your desk.
4. Take a seat, kick off your shoes then strike a conversation with your neighbor about how hard it was to learn how to moonwalk.

Situation 2: Ordering delivery pizza.

Unchill move:

1. When it comes time to order, speak clearly and slowly into the phone, making sure to remember the right thing.
2. Thank the person on the other end, then wait patiently for your pizza.

Teeth-chatteringly chill move:

1. Get into character. You are an Australian ex-con with a bad temper and an empty stomach.
2. Attempt to order a "kangaroo loin and pepperoni".
3. Put your hand over the phone and do an open mouthed silent laugh with your peeps.
4. Attempt to order a "sausage and Fosters".
5. Repeat step 3.
6. Finally, concede and order boomerang breadsticks.
7. Hang up!
8. Remember that your hungry, and actually call back and order.

Situation 3: Using a search engine.

Unchill move:

1. Perform a effective search, utilizing quotations and plus signs.

So-cold-it'd-kill-a-grown-polar-bear chill move:

1. Pick between one of the following three searches, the rest of the internet is bullshit.
a. Bein' real chill (note: this article will probably be a top hit).
b. Mad hot chicks.
c. Back-flips.

Situation 4: Cracking jokes on the internet

Unchill move:

1. Sit down in a quite area with working space, then brainstorm and write down ideas, always trying to find something fresh.

Holy-shit-my-eyes-have-frozen-into-ice-cream-balls chill move:

1. Rehash an old formula that worked in the past.
2. Just kinda fill in the blanks, hoping no one will notice.
3. Close your eyes, hit submit and forget it ever happened.
4. Moonwalk.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1166955"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/7/1/collegehumor.bb785a671259318eba2a7e81f2009151.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1166955">Jake Whitaker</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:23"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1763425">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Too Soon?

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 15:35:03 -0500

The Joker, with characteristic purple overcoat.

Thanks to a one-man vigilante crime fighting force, Gotham City returns to buisness-as-usual following last night's events. Joker, the elusive criminal mastermind responsible for multiple homicides over the past months, was found dead in a fourth-floor studio appartment; a bottle of sleeping pills on a nearby night stand suggested suicide.

However, video footage captured outside of the appartment told the true story of the Joker's demise. The Joker can be seen returning to his apartment at 10:52 PM, visibly fatigued and limping slightly. He rushed to his room and immediately locked the door. At this exact moment, a hooded and caped figure approched the door and attached a bat-shaped explosive to the bolt. When the debris cleared, The Joker could be seen wielding an oversized pie pan, filled with an undetermined substance.

After knocking the pie pan out of the Joker's hands, the cloaked man threw a boomerang shaped device at him, slicing the Joker's neck at the throat. Though the rest of the footage reveals no information concerning where this masked marauder went after the scene of the crime, Gotham's own Bruce Wayne has a theory as to his whereabouts.

"If I were you, I'd definately check out, like, Florida or something," Wayne says. "This looks like a guy who loves the sun. Definatly not a local."

In unrelated news, Heath Ledger (Brokeback Mountain, A Knight's Tale) was pronounced dead yesterday while visiting long time friend Christian Bale.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1166955"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/7/1/collegehumor.bb785a671259318eba2a7e81f2009151.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1166955">Jake Whitaker</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:23"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1748627">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Lesser Known Trig Functions

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 21:16:04 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Entry: fa-sho-sine

Pronunciation: fah show sine

a trigonometric function that is used to calculate the ratio of blacks to whites in a social situation

see: i-can't-tell-if-that-guy-is-black-or-tan-gent

Entry: no-mo'-sine

Pronunciation: no more sine

a trigonometric function that can, and one day will, destroy all other trigonometric functions
yes, even secant
you're welcome

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Conversations Between Pens and Their Owners

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 13:17:06 -0500

Pencil: Hey man, it's kind of awkward for me to ask you this, but could you please stop chewing on me?
Owner: Woah, what!? Are you kidding me? After all we’ve been through? I thought we had something special.
Pencil: We still do! Of course we still do! Hey, stop crying. Please. It’s just…well, I haven’t gotten any action for like, three weeks, and I’m starting to think it’s from the large amount of teeth marks on my body.
Owner: Are you kidding me? Chicks dig battle scars. Seriously dude.
Pencil: Dude.
Owner: God. Fine.

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How to Own/Show-Off an iPhone

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 17:12:19 -0500

Go to iStore and iBuy iOne.

Learn how to navigate the touch screen (note: this could take days, even weeks, but believe me, it's worth it.)

Nonchalantly pull iPhone out of your pocket around others.

Respond modestly when others notice the iPhone (note: it will not take long for others to notice, iPhone emits a golden aura).

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1166955"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/7/1/collegehumor.bb785a671259318eba2a7e81f2009151.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1166955">Jake Whitaker</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:23"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1743964">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Tips/Tricks for Coming Off as a Totally Chill Dude

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 13:22:38 -0500

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Situation #1: Someone asks for a lighter

Unchill move:

1. Give that person a lighter.

Chill move:

1. Say, “Yeah, I’ve got one, but you can’t use it.”
2. Give coy look, wink (optional).
3. Say, “Haha here you go bro, I was just playin’.”
4. Reiterate the fact that you were just playin’ (this is important).

Situation #2: Someone asks you to put on a chill jam

Unchill move:

1. Put on some Jack Johnson immediately.

Chill move:

1. Pick out a totally lame-o song (i.e. Spice Girls, Christina Aguilera (all hott btw)).
2. Attempt to sing along with the song, but not too well.
3. Laugh, give coy look, wink (optional).
4. Put on Jack Johnson

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