Aladdin: Genie, I've got my first wish.

Genie: Alright, let's hear it.

Aladdin: I want Princess Jasmine to lust for me non-stop.

Genie: Uh-uh, I can't make anyone fall in love with -

Aladdin: No. Lust. Like, she wants to bang me all the time, day and night. No love required.

Genie: Oh...come on. That's pretty much the same thing.

Aladdin: I live on the streets and my best friend is the monkey from Outbreak, you think I'm ready for a steady girlfriend?

Senior year, my girlfriend and I broke my bed while making love (j/k- while boning). My roommate's dog was under the bed. He wasn't injured, but then again, he wasn't quite the same there after. Sorry Duke.
-Anonymous

I once bought my (ex)girlfriend flowers for no reason. Immediately after I gave them to her my roommate came home and we started talking about what he was doing for his girlfriend for thier anniversary. With the flowers still in her hand she turned to me and said "Why don't you ever do things like that for me?"
-Will

I was a 19 year old college freshman dating another 19 year old college freshman. We stopped in at a Dunkin' Donuts that he frequented. Upon walking up to the counter, the cashier said, "Oh hi, Chris! Is this your mom?"
-Hillari

My significant other of a year and a half cried hysterically for an hour and swore to never talk to me again because I jokingly said I was more attractive then her.
-Nick

Yesterday afternoon when I was having sex with my girlfriend, she abruptly stopped and remained quiet - with a very serious look on her face. When I asked her what was wrong, she quickly replied, "I think my strawberry crops withered..." She was talking about her Farmville on Facebook. She left the bed and went to get her laptop, she never came back.
-Anonymous

My ex-girlfriend's favorite band was Nickelback...
-Dan, UTK.

I went with my (now ex) girlfriend to a Coinstar machine. It's one of those things where you dump in coins and it gives you a check for the amount so you don't have to count them out and roll them. On the side of the machine it says that the fee is 9 cents for every dollar of coins you put in. I commented how that was a rip off. She replied word for word. "Yeah. 9 cents for every dollar, that's like twenty percent!" She's trying to get into grad school....
-Paul, BSU

My Girlfriend was watching Saturday Night Live online and stopped it to ask me "When does SNL come out on T.V?"
-Anonymous

Legend...wait for it...ofzelda!

Link: Huzzah! I've conquered innumerable foes, overcome impossible odds, trekked far and wide, come to the brink of death, defeated the unstoppable Ganon, and saved the fair princess!

Zelda: Yes, and for years to come, people will speak of the Legend of Zelda!

Link: Yes, the Legend of...what?

Zelda: Zelda - the legendary princess who was kidnapped and braved being trapped for a while until some elf guy saved her!

Link: I...I think you have this backwards. I'm the one who did all of the exciting stuff that would be considered legendary. It'll be the legend of Link that everyone talks about.

Zelda: Ugh, Link? That's not even a real name. Nope, that legend's all about Zelda.

Link: But...you didn't do anything.

Things look a little different when you're in college...

Not only did my high school girlfriend break up with me through email, but she added "I should probably be doing this in person, lol".
-Alex

Back in senior year of high school I asked a girl out , the first time I was able to work up the nerve, on a date. she said yes and I was the happiest I had ever been, 2 days later I called her back and asked her if she wanted to go out on Monday night (we had Tuesday off for election day). She said she would've loved to but she had to go visit her boyfriend at college.
-Jeremy NY

My girlfriend asked me the other day if the sun and the moon were the same thing. I gave her a blank stare and said "well we've landed on the moon." She replied, "No we didn't...We landed on Mars." She is studying to become an anesthesiologist.
-John, UWEC

I once got into a fight with my girlfriend while listening to Weird Al's "Dare to Be Stupid" album. There's nothing more surreal than yelling at someone while "Girls Just Want to Have Lunch" plays in the background.
-Travis

My girlfriend of 2 years and I were having another fight about my lack of commitment. She said all she needed was a promise ring and she would be happy. So I took off my class ring, got down on one knee and slipped the ring on her finger and said, "I promise...that if you keep bugging me about this, this will be the last ring I ever put on your finger." I am currently single.
-Mike

For more funny video game articles, check out GamerPaper.com.

My current girlfriend is a virgin and has never gone past first base. After a few months, I tried convincing her to give me head. When she finally warmed up to the idea, she asked me to show her how to do it. I had to pretend that her index finger was a penis and suck it to teach her. I gave her finger a blowjob for at least a few minutes. After that, she changed her mind and never gave me anything.
- Daniel

A couple years ago I was on a blind date with this lawyer my mother and her friend made me go out with. After being seated at the restaurant, he told me he wants to marry someone as accomplished as his sister, explaining "She can cook and clean as well as my mother."
-Dina, New York

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

Do you ever have one of those days where things are just going right?  One of those days where you wake up early, jump in an idling towncar to be driven to the Delta shuttle to Boston, land at Logan, hop in a van, get out at a film set, interview Jennifer Garner, Ricky Gervais and Rob Lowe, jump back in a van, go to Logan and fly back to New York?  No? Well, one day last year Warner Brother's somehow got ahold of my name and invited me up to the set of The Invention of Lying, due out on October 2nd.  

I had never been to a film set before, let alone a set run by my comedy hero (sorry, Jennifer, I'm speaking about Ricky Gervais).  The Invention of Lying, at that point called This Side of the Truth, was a bit of a mystery.  I had heard rumblings online about this film, written, directed and starring Gervais (also written and directed by Matthew Robinson, who I'll get to later).  A quick peek at IMDB before I left sent shivers down my spine.  Listed in the cast (in addition to Lowe, Garner and Gervais): Tina Fey, Jonah Hill, Jeffery Tambor, Jason Bateman, Louis C.K., John Hodgman, Patrick Stewart, Martin Starr and Christopher Guest.  I didn't know who would be on set that day but odds were that whoever it was would be A) very famous, B) extremely funny and C) super intimidating.  

I am not a journalist but luckily Edward Douglas, of ComingSoon.net, was there with me to ask all the important questions and teach me how to behave on set.  However, the moment we stepped foot on location - a ritzy private school in Lowell, Massachusetts where George W. Bush had been "educated" - things were a little different.  I had expected to be kept in some sort of holding area and instructed to go speak to certain people at certain times.  Instead, and possibly because it was just Edward and me, we were told by the publicist to "grab whoever" for interviews "whenever you want."  Talking to Jennifer Garner is intimidating enough in a sterile, controlled environment, but just strolling up unannounced and sticking a tape recorder in her face was something altogether different. 

In a text to my girlfriend of around 2 months I said, "love ya" in a way like friends say to each other. She replied back that it was too early to be saying things like that. When I tried to explain to her that I meant it in a friendly way she yelled at me for not loving her. We broke up later that day.
-Potes, CCA

I dated a girl for three and a half years before she decided to tell me that she was a lesbian. I guess I should have noticed some of the tell-tale signs. She rode a motorcycle. She got a tattoo saying "I love you, always forever" for a childhood friend who was female. And she had a fairly short haircut. I guess I'm just an idiot.
-Tom, UGA

For our one year anniversary, I planned to take my girlfriend to a place overlooking the beach and watch the sun set. Extremely romantic stuff, I know. She decides to scrap my plans and take me along with her while she shops.
-Tim

I've been dating a girl for nearly 2 years now. However, early into our wonderful relationship there was a bit of a mishap. We'd been together for a month or so and hadn't had sex (She was 14, and I was 16 at the time). My parents were leaving for a fancy Chinese dinner one night. Taking advantage of this golden opportunity I poured up some wine and decided we'd take a dip in the hot tub in my folk's room. Everything went smoothly, even better than I could have imagined. We had gotten off with it and my parents even brought us home milkshakes afterwards... 5 minutes later there is a roaring noise coming from my parent's room. Little did I know but the hot tub "jets" turn on 30 minutes after the tub empties to dry/remove any excess water. We were promptly busted by an infuriated, red-faced mother.
-Jared

A couple years ago when I was dating my ex, he told me he didn't believe in medication and that I shouldn't be on it. I'm bipolar. So when I went off it I had a total breakdown, and crying over the phone, I told him, "This is who I am. Do you still love me?" He was real quiet for a moment, then: "I think you should get back on your medication."
-Anonymous

There's a reason filmmakers rarely cast actual teenagers. Real adolescence is full of insecurity, change, stickiness, and other things no one actually wants to see on a big screen. However, there's a fine line between comfortably post-pubescent and an obviously receding hairline. Here's seven actors who were simply too old to play high school.

Judd Nelson - Breakfast Club
Movie Age: 17 / Actual Age: 26
It's OK that Judd Nelson's classic bad boy looks a few years older than his naive peers. It's not OK that he looks like he's been drinking and smoking heavily for the past two decades. Through no fault of Judd's, the fingerless gloves and endlessly layered flannel all reek of a guy a little too old trying a little too hard.

Chairman: Hear Yee, Hear yee! We will begin the meeting with the man to my right. Please introduce yourself, the name you would like to call your town, and the reasoning behind it.
John Sterling: Good day. My name is John Sterling. My town is in the southwest region of McLean county and I am the elected mayor. I would like to name the town Silverton because of our booming silver mines. Thank you.
Chairman: All in favor?
All: Aye.
Chairman: All opposed.
(silence)
Chairman: Alright, from this day on, may John Sterling's town be known as Silverton. Next.
Jack Rubin: Hello, my name is Jack Rubin. I am the mayor of a town in the southern tip of Champaign county. Our town is known for our many forests and endless rivers.
Chairman: And what would you like your city to be called, Mr. Rubin?
Jack Rubin: Anallovers.
Chairman: Anallovers?
Jack Rubin: Indeed.
Chairman: May I ask why Anallovers, Mr. Rubin?

I was dating a girl and my mom told me we were going to move to a different city at the end of the school year. I told my girlfriend and the next day she gave me a note and a kiss then just walked away. The note let me know she wanted to end things now before the get serious. I found a way to stay in the school district and when I asked her to go back out with me she told me she had moved on and her feelings were gone.
-Goose, Dallas

I was dating a girl on and off for several months. It was the anniversary of our first kiss, and I mentioned it to her. She responded with, "Why do you remember that?" and then called me a creep.
-Jason, UNR

You know the song "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's? It's about a guy telling his girlfriend that they can make a long distance relationship work. I used to think it was a cool and cute song. Of course this was before it awkwardly came on the radio right after explaining that I didn't want to date her anymore because long distance relationships don't work.
-Tristan, U of MN

Awhile ago my boyfriend told me his Facebook password after we had been dating for a year because he, "completely trusted" me...of course, he then asked me for mine so I gave it to him. Later, because he trusted me so much, he looked up message threads I had from over three years ago and yelled at me for being a slut.
-Jane, UIUC

Truman: Was nothing real?

Director: You were real.

Truman: Did you guys have cameras everywhere?

Director: Yes.

Truman: Even by my computer in the basement?

Director: Everywhere.

Truman: So everyone...everyone's seen me masturbate?

Director: Those were some of our highest rated episodes, Truman.

Truman: And my wife? She's just an actress?

Director: Correct.

Truman: I had sex with her. Does that make her a prostitute?

Director: Kinda.

Truman: That time when I was 8...

Director: Episode #2868: Truman Grabs Poo Out of the Toilet to See What it Feels Like.