Evan's Articles

Prerequisites: Partying 101, Partying 102, Partying 201, Partying 231
Becoming knowledgeable about alcohol is something that takes time. Granted, some people started drinking when they were like 12 and were certified barkeeps by highschool. The best way to learn is by doing, so go ahead... get out there. Go get fucked up. Drink anything and everything. You never know what you might like, or what might make you run around naked asking random girls if you can "superman" them.
Originally, I had written this lesson in the same format as the previous ones; basic points of advice based on my experience. I wasn't feeling it though. Something wasn't working, so I scrapped it and decided to try a new, more personal format. Here are some of the highlights of my drinking career. Hopefully these segments will inspire you, entertain you, or make you never want to drink again.
---------------------
The DB Incident
At a party a few months back, a friend of mine brought a couple six packs of a Sam Adams brew known as Double Bock. Out of enthusiasm, she ran around forcing everyone to try it. Its quite possible that she, singlehandedly and completely unintentionally, may have caused Sam Adams' sales to dip that quarter. Everyone hated it. I tried it myself, and the only words fitting for it are "chocolate" and "vomit." Two words that should only be in the same sentence if that sentence is "I just ate so much chocolate that I'm going to vomit." And sometimes not even then.
The next day, my roommate and I played one on one beerpong against eachother with the leftovers from the party. After a game or two we had finished off all the "normal" beer, like Natural Light. All that was left was a six pack of Double Bock. Since we are apparently raging alcoholics, instead of just ending the game there we kept playing with the Double Bock. We should have filled up the cups with Windex, that would have been better.
We each had our six cups; three of which were filled with normal (albeit warm) beer, while the other three were filled with Double Bock. Each shot felt like the 4th quarter of the Superbowl. The sheer dread in both of our hearts over having to drink the Sam Adams was making the game incredibly intense. We actually got through the first game alright though, choking down the three cups like champs. The second game, which was ALL Double Bock, was a different story.
My body was tired, and angry at me for pouring that wretched swill into it. Once I caught a whiff off that first cup, that chocolate vomit smell, I felt queasy. A few gulps later and my mouth was watering. Another gulp and everything went white; light headedness had set in. Thirty seconds later, I was keeled over the kitchen sink, expelling the poison from my system. My roommate couldn't stop laughing at me.
Yes, that's right. I threw up off of a grand total of five beers, TOPS. Stay away from Double Bock, no matter what you do. Don't drink it, don't smell it, don't even look at it. It will destroy you.

Gin and a Bun
When people leave mysterious brews at my house, it always makes for an interesting experience. Not long after the Double Bock incident, someone left behind a half-full handle of gin (or half-empty). Not good gin; plastic bottle gin. Having never tried it, I wanted to see what it was like and I was able to talk a friend of mine into doing shots of it with me one night. It smelled like pinecones, how bad could it be?
The answer turned out to be very. It smells like fresh meadow grasses but it tastes like Pinesol. And it burns. Sweet Jesus does it burn.
As if it wasn't bad enough on its own, before the shot we had scoured the ktichen for chasers. I had absolutely nothing. My friend and I had the brilliant idea of splitting a bagel in half and using it to wash down the shot.
This became sort of a tradition with us. We've run the gamut from bagels, to hot dog buns, to potato chips. Not surprisingly, carbohydrates don't make good chasers.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be doing shots of gin anyways, but shoving a potato roll down your throat immediately after is taking things to a whole new level.
One time we used old, stale barbeque Pringles to chase a shot. I wanted absolutely no part of this plan, but my friend is persuasive. Another night spent with my head in the sink.

Everyone Has a Story
Everyone in the entire world has had a bad experience with *insert type of alcohol here*, and they have since sworn it off completely. For me it's tequila.
I was a freshman in college and it was the beginning of my first semester at Arizona State University. My first time drinking EVER was three months before, during 'Senior Week' at Ocean City. My second time drinking ever was about three days before. Both times I reached a perfect level of drunkenness that I have never been able to recapture. It has given the term "Chasing the Dragon" a whole new meaning to me. I was able to reach this euphoric state with no hangover to speak of the next morning either time. This "drinking" thing was turning out to be pretty cool; I loved it.
My suitemates took me out to a party one night (where I did my first beerbong in front of a huge crowd cheering for me. Talk about pressure.) but we got split up when the cops came. I met this other dude from Maryland and went with him and his roommates back to their place. They busted out a plethora of liquor like I had never seen. They have like six different kinds. I randomly picked tequila and started doing shots with them, still thinking that I was impervious to the negative effects of alcohol.
Fast forward a few hours later, and I was sitting in front of my dorm with no keys, no ID card, no wallet, and no idea what the hell was going on. I called some random girl I had met to come and retrieve me. She got me in the dorm and took me up to her room, where she wanted to hook up. We had made out before but I really didn't want to go there again. Besides I felt like I was about to die, so that was the last thing on my mind. Needing an out, my body threw me a bone and sent me hurtling towards her bathroom where I emptied the contents of my stomach into her toilet. She didn't want to hook up anymore after that. Not a particularly eventful story; I got fucked up and vomited. But it was crucial to my development as a drinker, because now I can never drink tequila again.

Laundering
My first time getting drunk was at Senior Week during the summer of '05. A bunch of my friends from highschool went down to the beach for a week, and on the last night I finally caved and had a few Smirnoff Ices. A bunch of us decided to go back for Senior Week 2 the summer after freshman year of college. Planning on drinking pretty much the entire time, I brought a handle of vodka with me. It wasn't good vodka by any stretch of the imagination. It was in a plastic bottle, I couldn't pronounce the name, and there was a picture of a Russian Czar on it. Little did I know what kind of trouble I was in for.
The second night we were there was the first big party night for us. We all drank... a lot. I remember playing a lot of beerpong, only at this point I was absolutely horrible at it and I got destroyed over and over. And there were shots, sooo many shots. That vodka was disappearing at an alarming rate.
When you drink at the beach, there is an inevitable point in the night where you have to go walk on the beach hammered. We reached that point, and once I stepped foot on the sand, I completely lost my shit. I think I ran around trying to tackle all my friends, but instead just ended up falling in the sand a lot. I had to be helped back up to the house. Miraculously, I made it into a makeshift sleep-area at some point and passed out....
... until I woke up in the middle of the night needing to take a piss. I was so drunk and so groggy, and so generally out of it, that I started stumbling towards the laundry room rather than the bathroom. I entered the room, closed the door behind me, and pulled open the door to the dryer. And then I took a piss on it.
At some point mid-piss, I realized what I was doing, but of course I had already started so what would be the point in stopping. My friend (who's condo we were staying at) had been woken up by me bumping into shit on my way to the laundry room, and started banging on the door.
"Evan... Evan stop! What are you doing? Stop!"
"Just gimme a sec... Just one second," I replied.
I finished up, zipped up my pants, and opened the door. I believe my friend's reaction was something like "Oh Jesus."
"I'll clean it up man. I'm sorry, don't worry about it. I'll clean it," I said as I stumbled past him into the hallway. I went into the kitchen and grabbed the paper towels, planning on fulfilling my promise and making things right. As I walked back towards the laundry room, I ripped off a single sheet of paper towel and threw it in the puddle. Then I walked back to the kitchen and threw away the rest of the roll. For my final "what the fuck is he doing?" I went into the real bathroom and flushed the toilet before I collapsed on my futon and passed out again. And then later I threw up.
That is a hard story to tell because for starters, it is incredibly embarassing. Also, I have difficulty explaining the state of mind that I was in. I mean, when it makes sense to you to urinate in a dryer, you're in another world all together.
-------------------------
I just realized that all of these stories end with me puking. Awesome.

Prerequisites: Partying 101, Partying 102, Partying 201
If you go to a lot of parties, you will start to notice certain trends. Everything I've talked about in the previous installments is a trend. In the same way, when you become more experienced in these things you'll be able to spot certain types of people that seem to always show up at parties. Here are just a few, along with tips on how to entertain yourself at their expense:

Mr. Testosterone
I talked about him a little bit in Partying 102: At the Party. He's loud, "awesome" at all drinking games, and you're his new best friend. Tip: Be his beerpong partner and throw the game. When he yells at you, cry.

The High School Kid
Not always, but a LOT of the time there is one and only one highschool kid at a party. He'll stand out because a) he's really fucked up, b) he has no idea how to play beerpong or flip cup, and c) it's not unlikely that he has braces. Tip: Ask him to invite over some freshman girls... from his highschool. Then get far, far away from that party.

First-One-Drunk/The Instigator
This person shows up hammered and will not be satisfied until you are equally as hammered. A lot of the time, they succeed in getting you wasted while simultaneously failing to tell you that they have stopped drinking. This leads to an interesting role-reversal later in the night. Tip: Be this person and you always win.

The Diplomat
He's just passing through on his way to a far better party that you're not invited to. Sometimes he's already been to the other party and just wants to poke his head in to see if he's missing anything. He'll be gone in five minutes because the other party is so amazing. Tip: Call the cops on the other party and mention his name.

Ms. "I'm not drinking tonight for absolutely no reason"
Some people refuse to have fun. She doesn't have to study, work, volunteer at a soup kitchen, run a triathalon, receive a shipment of heroin at the docks, or anything else the next day, yet she won't drink. Also, she will probably be disgusted by your drunken behavior and end up leaving early. The next night she will drink twice as much as she usually does. Tip: Ask, "Why aren't you drinking?" every five minutes and pretend to forget that you have already asked 47 times.

Paul Revere
This person flies under the radar all night, only popping out of the woodwork to warn people that "the cops are here" (whether they are or not). Anytime someone knocks at the door, this is the person in the background that you hear go "Shhhhhhhhh!!!!!" Also, Paul Revere is the first to hide in the shower if an authority figure really does show up, as chances are they have been busted before and "can't afford another citation." Tip: Just let them exist, and their paranoia will eventually ruin them on its own.

The guy/girl who will hook up with anybody
Self-explanatory. Tip: Pawn them off on your friends. Unless they're hot.
----------------------------
Don't spend too much time trying to figure out if you are one of these people. It's not necessarily a bad thing, we all get a little goofy when we drink. The lessons will continue next time, with Partying 232: All About Alcohol. See you then.

Prerequisites: Partying 101, Partying 102
When you eventually get your own place off campus, the first thing you want to do is throw a party. You'll probably be planning this party before you even have furniture or electricity, which is good. I like the commitment. There are, however, a few things you need to know about hosting your own sock-hop before you kick things off. Opening your home up like this can be a disaster if you don't know what you're doing. Of course, common sense dictates the general rules of throwing a party, but here are some extra tidbits to make it easier on you.

You don't want the entire school to come
You might think you do, but you don't. Again, this was more common at ASU, but just in case you get any crazy ideas.... know that they're bad ideas. Handing out fliers, making a public Facebook event, and recruiting off the street are all horrible ideas. Assuming you have friends (if you don't, you're on your own), just invite them and tell them they can bring a few people if they want. That way, almost everyone knows eachother but there are some fresh faces mixed in to make things interesting. Everyone wins. If you just give the entire world blanket permission to come to your party, you never know what kinds of people are going to show up. You're a lot more likely to get the drunken idiot who wants to fight people, the sketchy old guy who no one knows, and the dude who is stealing your shit. And also, more generally, the percentage of people you know at YOUR party is significantly lower and hence your party will suck. Easy trap to fall into as a rookie; avoid it at all costs.

No one gets mad when a girl picks a bad song
Yet another example of why having girls around is beneficial for everyone. If your party's music is coming from an iPod (as opposed to a mix cd or something), then you will almost certainly lose control of what is being played. That isn't that big of a deal because there are better things to do at a party than pick songs all night, but it can cause problems. It's been proven time and time again that any time a guy (you, the host, included) picks a song, someone will vocally object and quite possibly become irate if it isn't changed immediately. There are few true "crowd-pleasers," these days, especially if you have a diverse group of friends. The lesson here is to let girls pick the music whenever possible. Even if the song they choose sucks, no one will call them out on it or get angry. If they piss off the only girls at a party they might as well just go home and drink alone in the dark. No one wants to risk that.

Don't let people talk you into stupid beerpong rules
Finally, the dark side of having girls at your party. They are especially prone to wanting things their way, and they aren't afraid to use their cleavage or baby blue eyes to get it. Don't fall for that shit. Staring at cleavage is great and all, but there's a time and place for it. Lay down the house rules ahead of time and stick to them. At my house, for example, there is no island, no NBA jam, and no behind-the-back. People have protested this several times but my roommate and I aren't having any of it. If you bend your will to one rule, the floodgates will open and the game will be entirely unrecognizable before long. Stand your ground on that shit! This also applies to flip-cup rules, beerpong list controversies, Kings rules, and anything else under the sun. It's your party, damnit.

Outsource collection duties to someone who is good at it
When you become a veteran party-thrower, people tend to throw down beer money without being prompted. You've built a rapport with them and they respect the process. In the beginning though, you need to be more assertive. I was, personally, terrible at this. Some people have a gift, though, and can twist people's arms without coming off like a douche. If you're not one of those people, find a trustworthy person who is and get him to collect beer money for you.

Make it interesting
Getting drunk for absolutely no reason is great. Having no agenda during a party is fantastic. But, every once in a while, get creative and do something different. Theme parties are always awesome. Beer games competitions are completely under-utilized and completely amazing. Organize a drunken scavenger hunt, handcuff random people together, do something to make your parties stand out. That's the best way to get people coming back every weekend. Always be looking for a way to make your parties better.
------------------------------
I have a lot more to say on this topic, so I will probably revisit it later. For now, though, that should get you started. Next time we'll be moving onto Partying 231: Characters, which will be a guide to the specific types of people that seem to be at every party. Who they are, how to spot them, and how to maximize their entertainment value. Stay tuned.

Prerequisites: Partying 101
Okay, so you made it to the party; hopefully fashionably late, with a bunch of girls, and without any significant-other-drama. Now you can let loose and have a good time. I can't teach you how to do that, but I still have advice. Here are a few nuggets of wisdom to make sure the night goes smoothly:

At some point, ladies, ditch the high heels
Earlier in the night, high heels can make you look classy. You're beautiful and more dressed up than everyone else, and you'll get noticed for it. Fast forward a couple of hours, and you look more like a circus clown walking on stilts. There is nothing funnier than watching a girl walk to the car from the bars in high heels for exactly this reason. I'm sorry but this is the honest to God truth. There is a science to these things, and just as bringing more girls directly increases the amount of fun you have, the amount of alcohol you consume is indirectly proportionate to how well you walk in your shoes. After an hour or two of partying, kick them off and be that awesome chick who is running around barefoot and hammered. Everyone loves that girl.

Don't be so God damn excitable
There is always one guy at a party who, apparently, is taking unnecessary daily injections of testosterone. He's the guy that will throw his arm around your neck and tell everyone how awesome you are because you once drove by his highschool, and later on will legitimately question the manhood of anyone who misses a shot in beerpong. Calm the hell down. No one likes this guy because he's a tool, and they will mock him when he leaves the room.

Tell people you've never done something that you actually have
Want to do a keg stand, but don't want to wait in line? Tell people you've never done one. Don't want to catch herpes from beerbonging after nine other people? Tell the host you want to "try it for the first time." Want some free liquor? "I've never done a shot before." Want to hook up with a girl completely out of your league? Tell her you've never kissed anyone before and then give her the puppy dog eyes. Most of this shit won't fly past freshman or sophomore year, so enjoy it while you can.

The more filthy and degrading a song is towards women, the more girls will like it
Pretty self-explanatory. Keep it in mind when choosing music. (This topic will be expanded upon in Partying 201: Throwing a Party). Examples: Colt 45 by Afroman, Get Low by Lil' John, Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry, and Cum Girl by David Banner.

Teaching people new drinking games is almost always a disaster
If you want this to work, disregard the "Come Late, Stay Late," theory and show up on time. People will still be sober enough to follow your complicated and likely poorly thought out explanation. Also, if the game is already going when more people start showing up, they'll be forced to learn the game if they want to jump in. If you want to know what it's like to teach drunk people a new game later in the night, try explaining quantum physics to a group of six year olds. You will want to start tazering people. It's an excercise in frustration, and really not worth your time.

It's a marathon, not a sprint
I know this is an overused phrase, but it's so true, and some people have trouble internalizing it. Again, "Come Late, STAY Late." It doesn't count as staying late if you're passed out in the side yard at 3am with ten penises drawn on your face. Now, there's no reason you can't run fast in a marathon, but you've gotta save something for the home stretch. Once you get home, you can vomit, pass out, start punching old people, or whatever it is that you do when you get completely obliterated. While you're at the party, though, you need to hold it together... somewhat. It's okay to be really really drunk, but when people need to start babysitting you, you've lost it. Sometimes it's not your fault, because you have bad friends who will goad you into doing too many shots. This is forgiveable every once in a while as long as you learn your lesson eventually. Just think, how are you supposed to take advantage of the end-of-night perks if you can't even walk?
------------------------------------------
I know I missed a lot of things, but I plan on covering those things in more detail within some of the upper level courses. Like I said, the next step from here is Partying 201: Throwing a Party. You have to walk before you can run.
Questions? Comments? Concerns? Queries? Anything you'd like to see me cover in future installments? Let me know.

I've thrown my fair share of parties. In fact my roommate's and my house has become somewhat famous. There's even a picture from one of our parties on CollegeHumor.com, so it must be legit.
Not only that, but I've been to my fair share of parties as well. In no way am I a partying guru, though. In the grand scheme of things, I'm still a rookie. I did, however, cut my drinking teeth at Arizona State University. Between three semesters there, going on two here at Towson, and a smattering of visits to friends' schools, I've got a decent resume' behind me and I've learned a thing or two. That being said, here is some advice for the underclassmen who want to get shitty like a pro.

Come Late, Stay Late
No matter how late the official "start time" for a party is, people will generally be at least half an hour late. Things won't really get started for at least an hour or more. Also, the later you show up, the drunker everyone is and the easier it is to start having fun right off the bat. Walking into a room full of sober people who don't know eachother is kind of like being stuck at the nerd table in the highschool lunchroom. Don't come TOO late though, or you'll get stuck paying $5 to scrape the bottom of the last keg.
You should stay late for essentially the same reasons. First, everyone will be hammered. This is beneficial in so many ways. For example, people will start to disregard the beerpong list, allowing you to play multiple games in a row even if you lose. There will inevitably be that one person, though, who is standing there waiting for you to get off the table so that he can announce it loudly to the next team on the list. Just pour some chloroform on a rag, knock him out, and throw him in the closet. Done and done. Second, the drunker people are, the more they want to hook up. Do with that what you will. Third, when you leave early, you get chastised and booed and called names that you didn't even know existed. Don't be that person.

Guys, Bring Girls. Girls, Bring Girls.
It is a scientifcally proven fact that the amount of fun you have at party is directly proportional to the amount of girls you have with you. Especially if you're at a party where you don't know that many people (this was a lot more common at ASU), there is a HUGE difference between walking in with a bunch of guys and walking in with a group of girls. I mean, massive. You can almost hear the collective groan from every guy at a party when a random group of dudes enters the party. In fact, I'm pretty sure the girls aren't happy to see them either.

The Movies Are Full of Shit
It's not like that. At all. So don't expect it to be. Never once have I seen Snoop Dogg perform at a frat party, slept with Elisha Cuthbert, or not had to wait in line at the keg. Purely the stuff of fairy tales.

Don't Call Your Out-of-State Boyfriend or Girlfriend
Seriously, no good can come of this. If you guys go to different schools, forget about it. I have seen this way too many times for it to be coincidence. You'll end up spending 45 minutes on the phone arguing before you even get to the party. Inevitably, you'll end up talking during the party at some point, just in case you were thinking about starting to have fun. And then the entire ride home you will be on the phone again, quite possibly in tears. Call them later when you're not drunk, lie to them, or just don't call at all. For good measure, participate in an ecstasy induced orgy.
-------------------------------
Like I said, I'm no expert, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. Just know that this is pretty solid advice. This is by no means all-inclusive, so I'll be happy to do some Q&A if anyone has concerns.
These are just the basics; common knowledge for a lot of people. Stay tuned for Partying 102: At The Party