Ryu Wins

Ryu: You did quite well, but you need more training to defeat me!

Balrog: You got two perfects on me so you're probably right. Any tips?

Ryu: Well, I'd say if there was anything I'd work on for a guy your size and weight, I might try to be faster. Some more stretching and jogging just to loosen the legs up a bit.

Balrog: Oh, that's good advice. See, I need to hear stuff like this.

***

Twas the last night of finals

And all across campus

The students weren't studying

They were drunk off their asses

The books strewn

All over the floor

While backpacks were packed

With the Preferred Liqueur

Peter Smirnoff - Everyone's favorite vodka and occasional paint thinner, Smirnoff was made by honest to goodness Russian boozehound Peter Smirnoff back in the 1800's. His vodka was so good he became the official distiller of Czar Alexander III, which would be the equivalent today of Dick Cheney entrusting you to warm his milk at night.

By the 1900's, Smirnoff was rolling out one million bottles per day and everything is about as cool hookers who take food stamps until the Russian Revolution. The distillery is confiscated and the Smirnoff in charge is sentenced to death. However, he manages to escape to Turkey and continue making hooch, demonstrating either dedication or a weird kind of insanity.

By 1934, in the midst of the Great Depression, Smirnoff sells the company to Rudolph Kunett who brings it to the US. Decades later, a near infinite number of college girls stumbling around with fruit juices and steadily lowering inhibitions are his legacy.

---

Jim Beam - Basically the rulers of a bourbon empire, the Beam family are kings of southern booze making. Not content to just make their own, since the company's origins in the late 1700's, nearly every other major distillery that has made bourbon has employed someone in the family, for seven generations. These guys were serious as sh*t about bourbon and in a straight up fight against Kentucky's other famous businessman, the mint-julep touting fancy boy that was Col. Sanders, would probably straight up murder the man.

When Prohibition forced the shut down of the distillery, Jim Beam left and wandered the country like an entrepreneurial Kwai Chang Kane; growing citrus, then coal mining, then running a lime stone quarry. When Prohibition ended, Jim, now 70 years old, returned to his roots and went right back to making bourbon, driven by a dedication to see his countrymen sh*tfaced.