Dear Michael,

What's up? Things are good here - just school work and such. So you probably don't know who I am (unless you happened to know me through like three friends or something, which would be really CRAZY since I didn't think you knew me but you did - that would be SO funny, which would be cool since I know you like comedy HAHA...up top! *high fives*), but I just saw Superbad for the like gajillionth time and I feel like we would be really good friends. :-D

I bet I know what you're thinking!!! This kid's name sounds familiar! That's probably because I poked you on facebook 10-12 times last Tuesday. I attached a photo to jog your memory (Jog - get it? Just like your character in Juno HAHA. I knew you'd get it. You seem really nice in that movie.). I just wanted to let you know that you didn't poke me back. I figured you probably thought I wassome crazy FREAK fan or something, so I'm glad that I can clarify that I certainly am NOT! Whew!

With the presidential elections looming just a horse pregnancy away, the candidates are ignoring the real problems and instead focusing on the same old divisive issues, from gun control to which Back to the Future film is the best (“3, and f*ck all of you.” –Mitt Romney, 9/21/07).

It’s clear that having to consider multiple issues at once causes voter brain freeze (a fact that led Friedrich Nietzsche to famously deem politics “the Slurpee of the masses,” adding “and Blue Raspberry is always broken”). One candidate can’t satisfy everybody, and that’s why I’m proposing that we elect four presidents: The President of Abortions, The President of Guns, The President of Gays, and The President of Everything Else.

The President of Abortions will wield full power over America’s fetuses. When he says “Jump,” they’ll say “But we’re fetuses.” His responsibility will be to either uphold or overturn Roe v. Wade in his first week in office, then spend a 1,453-day “lame duck” period acting righteous about his choice at meetings and dinner parties.

Hey, I'm guy who thinks you look like a friend of mine. Man, that is insane! You look just like this guy you've never met. Hey, hold on, I HAVE to get other people over here and point at your face like you're some sort of freak. Guys...hey guys! This guy looks JUST like that other guy! Now let me ask you if you get mistaken for my friend all the time? No? Oh...Oh, ok. I'm going to shield my disappointment by asking if I can take a picture with you. *Click* Man, that was the most fun I'll have all month. Oh, in case you were wondering, I'm going to be calling you my my friend's name all night! Isn't that funny?! Sometimes I'll even shout it across the room! God, I'm so observant.

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Phew, hey man, it's me, sweaty dude. Yikes, can somebody open a window or something, I'm dying here. Yeah, I'm wearing a two shirts and a blazer, but still! I'm going to ask you if you're hot and when you say kind of, I'm going to use that to trick myself into thinking I'm not the sweaty guy but, in fact, just a normal human. Watch as I casually wipe my face on my shoulder. Betcha couldn't even tell I was wiping sweat from my face! Oh, you could? Anyway, let's talk about something else momentarily before returning to the topic of how sweaty I am. Times up. Jeez man, has the dude who lives here ever heard of a fan? Anyways, I'm going to make up an excuse to go somewhere and towel off but I'll be back later to complain.