Abra's Articles

1) "He will freak out when he sees these new sexy lace panties"
Lace is not sexy. I have no idea where this idea came from. The fact that you are in panties, which cover fewer square inches of your body than clothes, is what's sexy. It wouldn't matter to us if you had a layer of Bugles covering yourself down there. On second thought, that sounds awesome.

2) "I love funny guys"

First of all, women generally look for three things in a guy, in this order- Confidence, attractiveness, and the other women he's slept with. Besides, most girls will tell you they know whether they'd sleep with a guy within the first five seconds of meeting him, and unless you're blurting out a knock-knock joke in that time, there's no way humor factors in.

Second of all, when they say funny, they don't mean actually funny. Ever watch your favorite stand-up comedian along with a girl? No, because if you leave it on for more than five seconds they'll demand you change the channel to What Not To Wear. "Girl funny" means only one thing- making fun of women besides them- and they reserve that spot on their roster for the Gay Guy Friend, anyway.

3) "I love video games!"

No, you like playing Mario Party, Super Smash Bros, and Mario Kart. Unless you play with a guy who is willing to use any skill beyond just button-mashing (read: all of us) in which case you'll get bored after six minutes and quit.

4) "I'm totally like a man when it comes to hooking up, I can do it and never see them again. I know! It's weird."

It's not true. But if it was true, it would only because they didn't get enough attention from their daddies. But it's not true.

5) "Ugh, I'm sorry I said that, I was totally PMS-ing."

According to the only source I'm willing to look up, PMS only significantly affects 2-5% of women. So a more accurate explanation would be, "Ugh, I'm sorry I said that, but at the time I was having trouble hiding the fact that I am a gigantic bitch."

6) "I can tell you how big a guy is, just by looking at the size of his hands/feet/nose/car/"

This psuedoscience needs to stop. Everyone should know the only way to know the size of a guy's weenie is to see it for yourself. Or you could just ask him, I'm sure he'd give you an honest answer.

7) "My boyfriend likes watching Sex and the City with me, he just doesn't want his friends to know."

Your boyfriend is willing to bank on you being horny after watching Sex and The City, which is the female equivalent to hardcore porn. It's worth it to him, so long as his friends won't make fun of him.

8) "I'm a total dude. Whenever I watch football with my guy friends they say I make so many comments!

Yeah about that...that might not be a compliment.

"But they say I'm just like Rachel Nichols!"

Definitely not a compliment.

Me: Okay, Rush Chair Jack, you're here... Social Chairs Matt and Tim are here, Vice President Zack is here... Secretary Dan, are we all present and ready to start?

Dan: Dude, can you stop calling me secretary?

Me: That's your job.

Dan:  Yeah, but like, it sounds like I'm a girl and stuff.

Me: It's just a title. What do you want to be called?

Dan: I dunno,  something cool. How about...Supersayan Dan?

Me: Ugh, fine. Supersayan Dan, are we all here?

Dan: Kamehaaaaameee...Wait no, we're missing Stew, he's at a piano lesson and then his mom is driving him to Abercrombie to get some "Fierce" cologne.

Me: He's missing an important meeting.

Matt: As social chair, I must stress how important getting Fierce is to our organization. It's what Terrence on the football team uses, and he gets a LOT of action; we're talking multiple finger penetration. Coupled with Axe Body Wash, and our next party could turn out like the legendary Seven Minutes in Heaven game Laura Walsh played in Jeff Hornberger's basement a few years back.

Me: No one knows if that even happened, Matt. But okay, let's continue without him. First on the agenda- Tim. Dude. We've been getting complaints across the board about your Trapper-Keeper.

Matt: Cuz I wrote my fav bands on there in sharpy? What's the big deal.

Me: Of course you did that, we ALL do that. The problem is that "Good Charlotte" is still on there. We all agreed that Good Charlotte was way lame, like, 3 weeks ago, and agreed to call everyone who still listened to them gay.

Matt: Right.

Me: So why do you still have it on there?

Matt: Well... I still kinda like them.

Everyone: OOOOH SO GAY! SO GAY DUDE!

Me: Really dude. So gay.

Matt: Okay, fine, I'll take it off.

Me: Good. You're still gay though. Next order of business- we spent 30 minutes discussing this last meeting, and we decided the referendum would be today. Now: who, by show of hands, thinks that Secretary Dan's mom, Irene, is hot?

Dan: DUDE! Come on!

Me: Sorry. Supersayan's mom Irene.

Dan: No! I vote no!

Me: You can't vote, you're a biased party. It's your job to tally the votes, so quit whining and count them.

Dan: Jerks. Stupid jerks. 4 yay's, 1 nay, from Matt.

Me: Big surprise, coming from the guy with "Good Charlotte" written on his stuff.

Matt: I'm taking it off! And she has crow's feet and stuff. I don't know how I could get off to that.

Tim: Just think about her boobs instead idiot.

Matt: No, I meant that I literally don't know how to sexually pleasure myself yet. I'm working on it.

Tim: Oh, okay.

Me: Stop the side chatter! Final order of business, and the most important as we all know- we're all invited to Wendy's mega-mixer birthday bash. The itinerary is we will all pregame in Dan's mom's minivan on the way there with Red Bull, Axe, and hopefully Fierce if Stew's mom can pull through with it. We should arrive at the bowling alley around 5 pm, where we'll impress the girls by being too loud and bowling through our legs, without bumpers.

Tim: Won't the junkies who play pool get mad at us for being too loud?

Me: This is the cosmic bowling alley, the clean one. You're thinking of the dirty drunkards bowling alley on Main, the one that smells like liquor and cigarettes. Where Zack's dad hangs out.

Zack: Yeah, he's going through a rough time since the divorce.

Me: Next, we go back to Wendy's basement, where she is going to be playing top 40 music off the radio on her boom box. What's our plan here guys? I'm serious, I want every one of us to get under-the-shirt, over-the-bra action like Zack was three weeks ago with Brittany.

Zack: Yeah... I kinda made that up guys. I mean I wanted to talk about my parents, and no one was paying attention, so I just said...

Me: Whatever, shutup Zack. Social chairs, how do we make this happen.

Matt: Dude. Axe and Fierce. Nuff said.

Me: But if that's not enough...

Tim: Don't worry, backup plan. I've been talking with Wendy and her group of girls, and they seem like they would be DTS. Ya know, Down To Snowball.

Me: Huh?

Tim: I went to my cousin's bar mitzvah in Boca a few months ago, and they solved the middle school dance problem with this innovation; the snowball. One girl gets in the center and picks a guy to dance with, and then they each choose someone else... By the end of the dance I swear, if you're not trying to undo a training bra you had no hope in the first place.

Me: What a concept... Now, everyone is going to be there?

Zack: I don't think so, my dad has custody that weekend, and he wants to take me in his new convertible to go see a rated-R movie, so-

Me: Great! Guys, this could be the best night of our lives. Meeting adjourned. Now, let's all grab our skateboards and loiter in front of Jamba Juice.