1984 as told by the internet's most obnoxious felines

A recent survey showed that over 90% of the CollegeHumor audience is male. In that survey, over 95% of males said they were too busy filling out surveys to go on any dates. To help remedy this problem, I've compiled a list of 5 surefire and non-legally binding ways to ask out a member of the opposite sex.

The "Blunt" Approach
I know what you're thinking, but this doesn't involve rolling a blunt, getting ripped out of your skull, and asking a girl to go out with you. The blunt approach simply means engaging in polite conversation with a female with whom you have a cordial relationship, then asking if she would like to join you for a night out. I have found that this is the safest and most effective approach. It is also extremely unfunny, and to be completely honest, I'm not really sure why it's on the list.

The "Blunt" Approach
This involves rolling a blunt, getting ripped out of your skull, and asking a girl to go out with you. A few things to consider before using this approach:
A. Make sure you've secured all of your belongings.
B. Make sure the person you're asking out is the female with whom you want to go on a date.
C. Make sure the person you're asking out is a person, and not a coat rack.

I simply cannot stress part C enough.

Henry David Thoreau:

Pants on Floor: Oh God, did you see what Mike brought in last night?

Shirt on Floor: Oh god, I barely made it in the room before those fake nails of hers tore me off so hard my zipper nearly broke off. I still smell like a Bacardi Breezer.

Pants on Floor: I just wish Mike would start getting with a girl whose clothes can have a conversation, not these bus station quality sluts. Like that girl he was dating for a few months. She was great, nothing but tasteful sweaters and khaki pants.

Shirt on Floor: Shhh he's coming!

(Mike walks in from shower, singing and talking to himself)

Mike: Somethin something somethin she's just bein Miiiiiley... What to wear, what to wear tonight. Hmm... I heard there's something going on at the frats.

Attitude T-Shirt: Yes, it's my time to shine baby! The world will remember Anchorman quotes once again! You ready, Cheap Stars and Stripes Hat Mike Bought at Walmart?

America Hat: Hell yea bra, I am ready to make some sort of vague, possibly ironic statement about patriotism. Or something.

(Mike gets off of the phone)

Mike: Hmm...looks the frat party got called off. A few dozen pledges get alcohol poisoning and ruin it for the rest of us. I hope they die in the hospital. Ha.

Sweatpants: Oh well. Looks like you should just stayin tonight. You did go out yesterday, Thursday, Wednesday, and Monday, anyway. Throw me on, grab a Coke, chill.

Sweatshirt: Yeah bud. Relax, watch some Family Guy with us.

Slippers: Ah, who are you kidding, you know the deal. We come out during Midterms for a week straight, come out stained and smelling like shit and go unused until Finals.

We all know of the standard second base, third base, etc. when describing different kinds of sexual endeavors, but there are many other baseball terms that are used more rarely to describe these kinds of acts. For instance:

Sacrifice Fly: A term describing the act of "taking one for the team". You sacrifice your dignity and get with a below average friend of a girl so that he can score.

First Base Coach: This represents your wingman. Once you get to first, he advises you to either make your way to second or stop at first if he knows you won't make it.

Check Your Swing: This symbolizes being about to get with a girl, but then at the last moment decide that it's not a good idea, and that you'll try your chances when a better girl/pitch comes along.

Fielder's Choice: This term comes into play when 2 guys are both trying to get with the same girl, and you know that she is going to throw one of them out and one is going to reach base.