Alex Bash's Articles

49. Battle Axes: killing people just became 66% more bad ass.

48. Cows: meat and milk? It's like a super animal!

47. Masturbation: through pain and suffering and joy and happiness, masturbation is there for you.

46. Fake Cell Phone Calls: fuck you, annoying guy from down the street.

45. Vagueness: when mumbling about nothing fails, vagueness can always be called upon to get you off the hook.

44. Whales: because we need something pointless to nuke.

43. Sarcasm: allows me to say outrageous comments that I really do mean but will never get in trouble for.

42. Sharp Objects & Accidents: saving the gene pool.

41. High Bridges: giving suicidal people one last moment of fun.

40. Bubble Yum: inducing mouth-orgasms since 1975.

39. The Menstrual Cycle: a completely justifiable excuse for guys to declare "Blow Job Week" once a month.

38. Paying for Dinner: a completely justifiable excuse for guys to declare "Blow Job Week" once a month.

37. Re-Runs: wasting time has never been more almost enjoyable.

36. Grandpa's Frequent Flyer Miles: It's not like he uses them.

35. 9-1-1: providing quick relief to drunken idiots who see how far they can throw flaming Pita Pit wrappers in mid-July.

34. Metaphors: I didn't really call you a soulless whore, it was just a metaphor.

33. Jock Straps: saving my nuts since 1874.

32. Viagra: fuck you, whiskey dick.

31. Suffrage: giving women to right to be just as horny as men.

30. Hand Sanitizer: because washing my hands takes too fucking long.

29. Really Cold Milk: hella good.

28. Altoids: hiding rum-breath from your boss since the 19th century.

27. Pancakes: (see number 24)

26. Good Charlotte: giving hope to aspiring musicians, because if they made it, anyone can.

25. Judging People: why keep an open mind when you can close it and get back to growing that sweet goatee?

24. Microwaved Syrup: (see number 27)

23. Spam Email: because getting rid of pointless shit makes me feel productive.

22. Integrity: giving politicians something to lie about besides the goats they fuck.

21. Torture: hey, for those who deserve it...

20. Stereotyping: because analyzing people based on facts and personality is way too much work.

19. Toilets: hell yeah Ammonium Laureth Sulfate is the second most common ingredient in Pantene Pro-V.

18. Flavored Vodka: waaaaaay easier to get girls drunk.

17. Mario Cart: I've seen people kill over this game, which is excellent.

16. Social Standards: because holy fucking shit is it easy being a guy.

15. Spelling/Grammar Check: I'm alwayees loved thiis feeture.

14. Internet Porn: free samples are more than enough for me.

13. Fraternities: where stereotypes come to life in the most drunkenly awesome ways.

12. Sororities: where stereotypes come to life in the most drunkenly awesome ways.

11. Seemingly-Endless Lists about Random Shit: because writing real books requires work.

10. Blow Jobs: giving infinitely more use to the female mouth.

9. Vegans: God needs to hate somebody, right?

8. Post-it Notes: the anti-clusterfuck.

7. Football Season: the ultimate justification for daytime drinking.

6. Lying: keeping me out of jail since age 12.

5. Grading Curves: because compared to that moron I'm a fucking genius.

4. Coffee: No, I don't have a severe caffeine addiction, I just love my java!

3. Doggie-Style: simply the best.

2. Nipples: no explanation necessary.

1. Alcohol: enhancing every aspect of life by 8 billion percent.

There are many ways to inform someone of your drunkenness, the least of which is puking on their shoes.

But aside from oral projectiles of half-digested chicken wings and tequila shots, there are also many words to describe how you feel.  Sure, they may be slurred and spoken through a mouth full of mozzarella sticks, bar nuts, dick, etc., but if comprehended, they can tell volumes about what your given drunkard has in store for themselves.  And, more likely, what you can do to avoid Hurricane Slammed.

Below are the seventy-two most commonly used words and phrases to declare one's intoxication, and what exactly the particular form of belligerence will lead to.  Yes, there are others, but the lab is still working on them

So if you're ready to figure out if you'll end up chain smoking, fighting the bar stool or fucking a fat chick, read on brave soldier, read on.

Buzzed: actually laugh at girls' jokes.

Hammered: fight bar stools.

Tipsy: legitimately begin to believe you can dance.

Browned-Out: steal bagels.

Shit-Housed: shit on, or around the living quarters of your fellow man.

Shit-Faced: argue with lamps.

Blacked-Out: vomit and punch people.

Sloshed: vomit and punch people.

Slammed: eat late night fast food,vomit and punch people.

Faded: smoke pot.

Seriously drunk dude, seriously, for reals: get punched in the face.

Pissed: play cricket.

Loaded: chain smoke and scream at passing cars.

Crunk: lose seventy IQ points.

Bombed: be denied liver transplant.

Fucked-Up: make outrageous claims regarding sexual conquests and FUCK YOU TOO, BITCH!

Fat-Chick-Fucking-Drunk: fuck fat chicks.

Wasted: drop the d, add "of life," embody.

Intoxicated: masturbate, cry.

Blasted: chip tooth mid Jager Bomb.

Awiurgfwiurel: attempt to speak with dick in mouth.

Belligerent: engage in debauchery, shenanigans, and other nouns that have too many letters for the average level of drunkenness of their participants.

Blitzed: commit genocide upon liver enzymes.

Tanked: shatter dreams.

Totally GONE Bro!: continue not shaving.

Plastered: pee yourself.

Under the Table: acquire tape worms.

Canned: crush metaphorical beer can on metaphorical life.

Sauced: sweat from nipples.

Inebriated: see "intoxicated."

Obliterated: die in fiery inferno of twisted metal and horrific screams.

Besotted: search "drunk" on thesaurus.com.

Befuddled: under-tip due to non-remembrance of last four drinks.

Cockeyed: finally figure out what Little Jon meant by "Skeet."

Absolutely Destroyed: attempt to crawl out of ditch, fail, curl in fetal position, cry.

Grogged-up: play Flogging Molly at unacceptably loud volume.

Juiced: join MLB.

Plowed: tackle unsuspecting chairs.

Sauced: pile-drive genitals into backside of unfortunate female.

Bent: borrow girlfriend's makeup to cover black eye(s).

Three Sheets to the Wind: annoy others with constant usage of vague metaphors.

Pixelated: become frightened by size of one's own pupils.  Acquire phacoemulsification probe for orogolomistician surgery.

Legless: scream in agony.

Under the Influence:

Blotto: get raped by a kangaroo.  Contemplate telling others.

Merle Haggard: run agambling and brewing racket from your prison cell.

On the Piss: drink Coors Light.

Wroughted: embark upon Lord of the Rings-esque journey to nearest Wendy's.

Guttered: wake up in bed; laugh at irony.

Crapulent: attain Pink Eye. Spread to housemates.

Toasted: pray that white paste in hair is cream cheese.

A Couple of Chapters into the Novel: begin detailed character development, history and complexities of relationships, and outline of possible future conflicts.  Puke in sink.

Blitzkrieged: make tasteless jokes.

Chemically Imbalanced: inject thyroid with scotch; open gates to Manic Depressive Roller Coaster Theme Park.

Cranked: ride the white pony.

Down the Creek:

Fermented: bathe in tub of barley and hops. Drink own urine.

Jazzed: forget to push elevator button. Pass out in lobby.

Marinated: mistake blood for marinara sauce. Contract AIDS.

Saturated: drown in nearby puddle.

Seasoned: hate yourself for knowing when to stop.

Stupified: ponder the heavenly wonder that is the Flaming Dr. Pepper.

Smurfed Up: engage in Socialist/Marxist propaganda.

Toxic: come so close to death it takes up to a week for it to be ok for someone to make a joke about.

Wicked Retaarded: go to a Red Sox game.

Afflicted: stare at Happy Hour menu; consider alcohol percentage per dollar.

At Peace with the Floor: get Athlete's Foot in ear canal.

Ambushed:

Drucking Funk: remain persistent in making lame wordplay jokes despite continued groans of annoyance.

In Rare Form: make increasingly ironic jokes about one's afflictions.

Wearing a Wobbly Boot: repeat phrases you heard from Australian cousins.

Catatonic: practice partial differential equations. Stumble into bush.

Another form of inebriation comes from something I believe scientists these days are calling "Dank Chron."  However, in some laboratory circles they are still referring to it by its original chemical name, "The Stickiest of the Icky."

As with being drunk, there are various kinds of highs derived from marijuana, all of which cause the smokee to act in a particular way, usually ending in the consumption of large amount of Cool Ranch Doritos.

High: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat three bowls of Fritos.

Stoned: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat eight bags of white cheddar popcorn.

Toasted: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat four Cheerio and honey sandwiches with chocolate sauce and sprinkles.

Roasted: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat six bags of gummy worms.

Baked: Watch TV, make lame jokes,

Fried: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat three pints of ice cream with questionable expiration date.

Hazed: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat unexplainable assortment of Chinese food and pasta alfredo.

Seasoned: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat severely undercooked, over-seasoned and over-sauced meat product.

Blazed: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat congealed bacon fat.

Ripped: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat totally fucking insane amounts of those one ranch-flavored corn nuts.

Hashed: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat three packets of Big League Chew.

Doped: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat index finger mistaken for dangerously cheesy Cheeto.