Alex Bash's Articles

To truly understand where we are going as partiers, we must understand from where we have come. We must enlighten ourselves with tales of belligerence from the past.  We must study the ways of great drinkers before us, for if we do, we very well may be able to avoid having to pay the gaggle of coked-out Swedish midgets $3K to hide the body and lie to the media.

Again.

Mankind's history is littered with moments when booze reigned supreme.  Even the most bright and powerful of their day have been swayed by its invigorating intoxicants.  From jewel-encrusted goblets to mono-encrusted keg cups, alcohol is truly the one indulgence shared by the richest of the rich to the poorest of the poor.

Also, masturbation.

Contained in this article are many of the great moments in Alcoholism, specifically, American Alcoholism.  I feel like everyone, including many Americans, believes that compared to the rest of the developed world, Americans can't drink worth shit.  Although this may be somewhat true (we're 14 in Beer Consumption Per Capita), throughout our history we have had some impressive high points, last night's three-story beer bong being only one of them.  For example:

¢ President Lincoln, when informed that General Grant drank whiskey while leading his troops, replied "Find out the name of the brand so I can give it to my other generals."  General Grant drinking whiskey = kicking ass.  Sounds about right.

¢ Rock Island, Illinois, has a bar that stretches 684 feet.  It is the longest in the world.  America? Fuck yeah.

¢ A great American named Johnny Appleseed spent the better part of his life walking around the Mid-West plating apple trees.  Not so the apples could be eaten, but so they could be fermented and made into hard cider. Dedication: what America is all about.

¢ The Puritans loaded more beer than water onto the Mayflower before they cast off for the New World.  They made it.  Weird.

¢ Before he was called to take his famous ride, Paul Revere was reportedly boozing tough.  Historians believe that if it weren't for his intoxication, he would have never been able to belligerently yell as loud as he did.

¢ Bourbon is the official spirit of the United States, by act of Congress.  Insert your "That explains everything!" joke here: ________.

¢ During World War II, "reduction of consumption" activists argued that soldiers should not be permitted to drink alcohol beverages. However, General George C. Marshall, Chief of Staff of the U.S. Army, insisted that such prohibition would be "harmful to the men in the service."  You read it right: prohibitionists supported Hitler.

¢ One particularly proud American was so offended by prohibition that he threw a huge party at his undergrad, Dartmouth, and was thus banned from all extra-curricular activities.  His name was Theodore Geisel. We know him better as Dr. Seuss.  You read it right: prohibitionists are against teaching children to read.

¢ The U.S. Marines' first recruiting station was in a bar.  Enough said.

¢ To celebrate the drafting of the US Constitution, the 55 writers ordered: 82 bottles of wine, 8 bottles of whiskey, 8 bottles of hard cider, and 7 bowls of punch large enough that "ducks could swim in them." No wonder the Constitution has worked so well for so long.

¢ Abraham Lincoln held a liquor license and operated several taverns.

America kicks ass.

But that's not all.

See, those aren't the only times alcohol has greatly impacted the fate of many.  Sure, they may be the only public/true ones, but I have sources deep within the news media who have informed me of several major international cover-ups over the last three millenniums.  Conspiracies that led them through unmarked doors and abandoned warehouses. Unlit alleys and untraceable phones.  Windowless buildings and disappearing walls.  Secret documents and clandestine scrolls.

And once they reached the end of the mysterious maze, they were given this super good lime vodka that didn't even need a chaser.

Stay tuned next week, when we discover why dice have six sides, why Satan's pitchfork has three prongs, how anally-raping prohibitionists can get you into heaven, and how they all connect to alcohol.

After a night of drinking,I often find myself going through various fast food drive-throughs.  But occasionally, I find myself going through other kinds of pseudo-drive-throughs, some of which lead to spinal leakage, others to bruised pelvises, and a few undoubtedly are sold out of everything except large orders of tow-trucks pulling stolen cars out of ditches.

Below are five of the more, um, unique drive throughs my friends and I sometimes wind up at after one too many double shots of whatever that creepy girl with the Adam's Apple at the end of the bar bought us.

Drunken Outcome Drive Through

Guy #1: "Hi, I'd like thirteen Busch Lights and a shot of cheap vodka, please."

Cashier: "Alright, that'll be nine frequent bathroom breaks and a jacket to keep warm when you pass out on your ex-girlfriend's porch."

Guy #1: "Alright!"

Guy #2: "I'd like a six pack of Sam Adams and a dry martini, sir."

Cashier: "Let's see, your total comes to one inflated ego, two false perceptions of oneself, and a buffer to get the dried eggs off your car's windshield."

Guy #2: "Got change for a $100?"

Guy #3: "Hi, yeah, I'll take a pint of Jack Daniels and...let's do another pint of Jack Daniels."

Cashier: "Sure thing, chief!  That'll be three notebook-sized bandages, two mangled limbs, and a tow truck to get your car out of the ditch.  Oh, and a lawyer to defend you for stealing the car."

Guy #3: "Damn; did you guys raise your prices?"

Cashier: "Haven't changed ?em in 133 years."

Guy #4: "Hi, I'd like a bottle of absinthe, three Flaming Dr. Peppers and a pint of Bacardi 151."

Cashier: "Alright, I'm gonna need a doctor to call Time of Death, tissues to wipe away the tears of your loved ones, and a local news reporter trying hard to hide his laughter as he reports on your Darwinism-proving death."

Guy #4: "Just like my cousin."

Girl #1: "I'd like a bottle of flavored vodka please."

Cashier: "That'll be one broken condom and a head full of regrets."

Medical Drive Through

Shwang: "Hi, I'd like a textbook lumbar puncture and an EKG please?"

Cashier: "Sorry, we only have lumbar punctures with complications left."

Shwang: "Ok then, I guess I'll just do the Number Four with heparin."

Cashier: "Would you like any epinephrine with that?"

Shwang: "Um...sure.  Hey Todd, what do you want?"

Todd: "I'm gonna go with the brain MRI and a large shunt."

Cashier: "Spinal fluid leakage or lower stomach pain with your shunt?"

Todd: "Let's do the spinal leakage; that wasn't too bad last time."

Cashier: "Alright, your total comes to $13,000.  Please pull up to the next window and have your insurance cards ready."

Post Overly-Idealistic Plans Drive-Through

Tiggles: "Hello there, could I have one late-night bridge jumping session followed by a three-hour fuck-fest with Jamie as we're drying off?"

Cashier: "Sorry, we ran out of those in the 70s.  I could offer you one freezing cock and not enough towels followed by an unbroken moment of sexual tension as you struggle to change into dry clothes in the cramped back seat?"

Tiggles: "Fine.  Then could I also have a bottle of lube for later then?"

Cashier: "Sure; I'll even throw in the sympathy discount."

Tiggles: "Thanks, bud."

Brodie: "Hi, I'd like a spontaneous dance party on the corner of 6 and Pike followed by a limo ride with complete strangers to the VIP section of a club I've only seen on the travel channel."

Cashier: "Ouch, um, not gonna be able to do that.  What I can offer you is a series of questionably gay hip-gyrations followed by a seemingly endless string of poorly stifled laughter and awkward stares?"

Brodie: "I wish I was rich."

Cashier: "Don't we all."

ScrambledEgg: "Let's see...I'll take an incredibly attractive female two nights after a harsh breakup, a free bottle of champagne for winning the wing-eating contest, and a magic drug that cures both my shyness and speech impediment."

Cashier: "Sure, we can do that, but only if by "that" you mean "some ugly bitch in need of a self-esteem boost, overpriced doubles of tequila to lower your standards, and a happily over-looked slew of imperfections."

ScrambledEgg: "Great, it's like junior year all over again."

Valve: "Hi there. I would like to, for once: not lose my cell phone, wake up without an IV and/or catheter, resist calling a desperate fat chick, and forgo alienating a co-worker."

Cashier: "Sorry, no can do there Valve.  Looks like all we have left in stock are a fully-submerged, urine-covered cell phone, an infected catheter followed by a round of mislabeled prescription pills, a bruised pelvis, and an awkward walk past his office on Monday."

Valve: "I'm never going to retire, am I?"

Cashier: "You'll be dead by 33.  Don't worry about retiring."

Valve: "Wow, if it were possible, I'd say I'm even more depressed than before."

Cashier: "And I haven't even told you what the mislabeled pills were yet."

Inflated Self-Image & Reality Check Drive-Through

Duder: "I will take two extremely ripped biceps, dashing eyes and a smile that melts the clothes off the ladies."

Cashier: "Great. Well, we're out of everything you wanted, but what I can do is go ahead and replace the biceps with small shirt sleeves, the "dashing" with a plethora of synonyms for "dull," and your smile with a complex metaphor in which your teeth are daggers, clothes are various vital organs, and ladies are transgender midgets."

Duder: "Where's the clit?"

Cashier: "Kill yourself."

Chester Bennington III: "Give me three double shots of girls-will-like-me-because-I'm-rich. Pronto."

Cashier: "Alright, that'll be one empty wallet, a hooker, and an extra $100 for the hooker to lie to your friends about not being a hooker."

Chester Bennington III: "I wish I was my dad..."

PoorlyHiddenInsecurities: "I'll have one incredibleset of tits, an eye-catching crevasse of cleavage, and an ass that makes J-Lo sob."

Cashier: "Sure thing!"

PoorlyHiddenInsecurities: "Really?!"

Cashier: "No.  What I can do is offer you the Saturday night special of nine over-priced drinks, a pushup bra two cup sizes too small, frighteningly butt-cheek-like cleavage that makes guys wonder if you're actually an incredibly tall chick bending over, and a booty so flat pancakes feel cocky."

PoorlyHiddenInsecurities: "That doesn't sound too appetizing.  Anything else on the menu?"

Cashier: "Clinical Bulimia and Xanax."

PoorlyHiddenInsecurities: "Oh! I used to love that in high school!"

I Wish I was Somebody Else Drive-Through

Loser: "I'll take a long night of convincing myself that one more drink will make me confident enough to talk to girls, a resignedly-ordered large pizza, and a drunken pass-out on my friend's couch within the first ten minutes of a movie I've seen seven times."

Cashier: "Coming right up!"