Alex Bash's Articles

1. Calling my roommate from...somewhere:

Mikey: "What?"

Alex: "Want me to pick you up anything from Burgerville?"
Mikey: "The fuck are you talking about?"

Alex: "We're going through the drive-through at Burgerville; you want a shake or something?"

Mikey: "The closest Burgerville to Seattle is like 200 miles away."

Alex: "I see..."

Mikey: "Dude, who are you with?"

(Long pause)

Alex: "I'm gonna have to call you back."

2. Calling a friend for a ride home:

Bonnie: "Where are you?"

Alex: "Hiding under a bridge."

Bonnie: "Again?"

3. Stumbling home from a 4 of July celebration:

Jeff: "Hello?"

Alex: "Jeff, what's a dime sack?"

Jeff: "A measurement of weed.  Why?"

Alex: "˜Because I'm currently holding one."

Jeff: "But you don't smoke."

Alex: "I know."

Jeff: "So how'd you get it?"

Alex: "I...don't know."

(Long pause)

Jeff: "It's really sad that I'm not even that surprised right now."

Alex: "What's an 8-ball?"

4. Coming out of a blackout, realizing I have no idea who I'm talking to:

Girl: "You're an asshole."

Alex: "Huh?"

Girl: "You're an asshole.  You're never nice to me; I don't know why I put up with you."

Alex: "Right, um, yea sorry about that. What exactly did I do?"

Girl: "Just...everything!  I mean, you always-"

Alex: "Gonna need specifics here, babe."

Girl: "Aaargh!"

-Click-

5. Calling Dano while watching football the morning after he got arrested:

Dano's Phone: "You've reached Dano's phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Alex: "Dano!  You're in fucking jail, man!  That sucks!"

TheOrangutan: "We're gonna come break you out, so listen up."

Alex: "Fuck jail!"

TheOrangutan:  "I have a Jeep, you have a truck.  Somehow I'm sure we can make that work."

Alex: (to TheOrangutan) "Dude, I think he's like ten stories up."

TheOrangutan: "Fuck. Well, how high can you jump?"

-Beep-

Dano's Phone: "You've reached Dano's phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Alex: "I can't believe you're actually in jail Dano.  I mean, come on, bro."

TheOrangutan:  "New plan; we're gonna gather everyone from the pledge class and bum rush the front desk."

Alex: "After the game, though."

TheOrangutan:  "Right."

Alex: "We should give him updates so he feels more connected."

TheOrangutan:  "Good idea."

Alex: "So, we just kicked off to them, and they ran it about fifteen yards until-"

-Beep-

Dano's Phone: "You've reached Dano's phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Alex: "Dano, bro, you really just need to get out of jail."

TheOrangutan: "Final plan: push the skinny button until you can squeeze out the window, then just float down like a piece of paper."

Alex: "But don't let some hobo make you into a sign."
TheOrangutan: "Unless it's one of those funny ones about ninjas."

Alex: "Right.  You hear that Dano?  Only if it has ninjas."

-Beep-

6. Attempting to make (un)wise investments:

Alex's Dad: "Hello?"

Alex: "Hi dad; could you buy me some stock in Anheuser-Busch?"

Alex's Dad: "The markets are closed."

Alex: "I'll pay you back."

Alex's Dad: "No, Alex, listen, the - wait, why do you want to buy Anheuser-Busch stock?"

Alex: "Well, judging by the size of my friends' and my bar tabs, you're going to want to buy some too."

Alex's Dad: (sighs)

Alex: "Do you think shareholders can opt to receive dividends in the form of Bud Light?"

7. Calling my old Atmospheric Sciences 101 Teacher's Assistant:

Alex: "Yo Jonesy how's it goin' bro?"

Jonesy: "It's going well man, just printing out tomorrow's quizzes."

Alex: "Really now...that's funny, because I was just studying for tomorrow's quiz and was wondering if you could help me, um, focus my studies?"

Jonesy: "Do you always study with Ludacris in the background?"

Alex: "Creates a nice aura of confidence."

Jonesy: "Yeah, you could really use more of that..."

ObnoxiousGirl: "What's up Weather TA?!  Holla!  I make it rain!  Haha."

Jonesy: "Drunk girls?"

Alex: "Just adding to the Ludacris concept."

Jonesy: "Are you going to come to class hungover again and sprint to the bathroom halfway through the quiz to puke?"

Alex: "For you Jonesy, I'll puke before I get to class."

Jonesy: "Thanks, Bash."

(Long silence)

Alex: "Sooo...how about them quiz questions?"

Jonesy: "Bye Alex."

-Click-

Alex: "Oh well, there's always cheating to fall back on."

Alcohol can do many things: increase confidence, get you laid, corrode your liver, make boring people interesting.  But did you know it could aid in eternal salvation, save endangered species, and protect otherwise-bludgeoned hobos?

That's fucking right you didn't.

But that's OK, because The Alcoholic Medium is here to show you how the world should be through groggy, bloodshot eyes.  Below you shall eleven places in which alcohol should flow abundantly.

(Note: funny thing is, I initially wrote this article as a total joke, but about halfway through realized I wasn't kidding at all.  Let me know if you agree.  Or, if you don't agree, why you hate yourself.)

Hospital waiting areas: miscommunication in healthcare can be deadly, and while we may speak different languages, we all slur the same.  We're also more open when buzzed, more honest about our medical histories/sex partners/drug use/defecation fetishes, and more likely to sleep with our doctors and nurses, which we all know leads to better care.

Naturally, being more open and informed will lead to more accurate diagnoses, more adeptly followed prescription plans, and overall, more lives saved.  No big deal.

Gyms: I think actually getting people to go to the gym and stay for longer outweighs the potential downfall of dropping a dumbbell on their foot.  As for legalities, make people sign legal waivers.  As for the strengthened hearts and healthier bodies-lived saved?  Hell fucking yes. Big deal? Not at all.

School Libraries: Want students to actually stick around for more than half an hour? Then give them a beer and stop making them pack up and go home because they want to study with a cold Bud Light.  Then they can study biology better, come up with cures for diseases, and save lives, which of course is no big deal.

Public Libraries: you're attendance is down-how do you get it up?  That's what I thought.  Keep us liquored-up brainiacs in there so we can read fantasy novels, become creative, and come up with new, innovative ways to combat the world's problems, in turn saving lives, and in turn declaring that it is, once again, no big deal.

Funerals: As a man, I generally only cry when my team unfairly loses or I get so fucked-in-half drunk I digress to the mental state of a four-year-old.  As a man, I tend to bottle up my feelings instead of pouring them out.  As a man, I generally block out obvious long-term life lessons in favor of living in the moment.

Having booze at funerals would solve all these problems. I would ball my eyes out, open my heart as if getting a mental pap smear, and cherish every waking moment with my loved ones.

Also, the typical funeral costs about $7,000.  200 attendees dropping $35 each at the bar...it's how grandpa would have wanted it. Grandpa also would have liked you to down a couple gin martinis in his memory, so stop shitting on his grave and tip a few back.

And, after this emotionally wrenching experience, all present would learn from Grandpa's mistakes and live more carefully, which would save lives. Big deal? We're getting there.

Church: religious or not, packing the pews with the Lord's Blood would, well, pack the pews.  Christmas and Easter Christians would come more regularly, never-befores would give it a chance the same way disenfranchised employees give open-bar company parties a chance, and devotees would be happy to see all the new faces.

Moreover, who hasn't woken up with an empty wallet after drinking?  The Collection Plates would be like big-titted bartenders.  Hymns would be like happily sang-along to 80s metal ballads.  Confessions would be tear-filled and way-way-way too honest, and sermons would be listened to like an ex-high school football player's crushed NFL dreams.

Lastly, if people end up converting, then in theory we're saving lives, and potentially-depending on what that white light means-avoiding eternal damnation. Big deal...? Nah.

Inside sharks: we should put alcohol where God forgot to, thus giving us a reason to fucking slice open the bastards.  Sharks, in case you forgot, kill people, so dicing them up and drinking their spoils would not only get us nice and saucy, but save some lives as well.  NBD.

In the Salivary Glands of Endangered Species: who would want to kill a Woodland Caribou if it secreted vodka? Booyah-lives saved.

Mars: There's no bigger motivator than having 10,000 liters of fine booze to choose from when some innovative young chap makes his way there and discovers the secret to saving earth from meeting the Red Planet's fate, thus saving the entire human population.  Hmmmm...maybe that one sort of is a big deal.

Back Seat of my Friends' Cars: I promise I won't spill this time.  I also won't throw the empty 40s out the window, thus not cracking the skulls of unfortunate passerby.  I didn't stick around long enough to see if this would save lives or merely a few intensive surgical procedures, but either way, it's kind of a big deal.

That One Bush I Always Stumble into on My Way Home from the Bars: Seriously, it's placed right after this unavoidable bump in the sidewalk.  It'd be nice to have something waiting for me in there instead of bristles and broken branches.  It would also possibly make me not bludgeon a hobo in frustration afterward. 

But they're just hobos, so I guess that really isn't a big deal after all.