Waking up on your bedroom floor?  No big deal-you fell out of bed.  Waking up on the couch?  Whatever, you passed out.  Waking up next to a hobo under the Fremont Bridge with your wallet in the crotch of your boxers? 

Yea, you fucked up.

Here goes-numbers 10 through 6.

10. Prison Cell, Next to a Pile of Poo

A couple of my friends went to Corvallis, Oregon to watch the OSU vs. UW football game.  Naturally, UW lost, which naturally sent my buddy DevCakes into a drunken rage, which naturally made him tackle an obnoxious OSU fan, who naturally turned out to be a police officer, who naturally arrested him.  Naturally, DevCakes was put in a prison cell for assaulting the officer, which he naturally found unjust, which naturally led him to take a shit in the middle of the cell in a drunken act of defiance.

Some things, I guess, just come naturally.

9. Rival Fraternity, Butt-Naked

At the University of Washington, Tau Kappa Epsilon (TKE) and my fraternity, Pi Kappa Alpha, are "rivals."  This is primarily because we try to bang the same girls, but also because we try to fuck the same girls, sleep with the same girls, and receive blowjobs from the same girls.  So when my friend AngryOven woke up naked on the top bunk in a room he didn't recognize, he was scared stiff when a group of TKEs walked in.

AngryOven: "I apologize for anything I did."

TKE: "You mean get a girlfriend? I'm sorry for you too."

AngryOven: "Huh?"

TKE: (to the other TKEs) "I hate when girls with boyfriends live in."

In the summer, girls move into fraternities to fill the vacancies left by guys who move home.  AngryOven's girlfriend lived in at TKE, and he had spent the night with her.  How he forgot that his girlfriend lived across the street when it was he who helped her move in, well, let's just say that a light course load coupled with unlimited opportunities to party can do things to your memory.

8. Under a Bridge, Next To a Hobo

Sadly, this was me.  My friend got a party bus for his 22 birthday, and after endless keg stands on Interstate 5 and a dozen $1 Beers at the first bar, I decided to go for a stumble.  It was a pleasant night. The sky was clear, and I assume there were beautiful stars somewhere behind myriad layers of smog. 

I started calling the typical late-night drunken calls, and was halfway through an ill-intentioned conversation when I heard footsteps coming up quickly behind me.  Without looking back I snapped my phone shut and began running. 

They're trying to steal my wallet!   

I bolted down sidewalks and flew around corners, never once chancing a glance at my pursuer. 

I know, I thought, if I jam my wallet down my pants, even if they catch me they'll never get my money!  With my wallet well-hid behind my testicles, I continued running until I saw a bridge, slid down, and curled up in the fetal position in a dark corner.  When I came-to an hour or so later, I was delighted to find a friendly hobo prodding me with his finger.  I would have laughed, but my pursuers might have heard me.

7. Side of the Freeway, Being Arrested, Given DUI 

I believe this two-line conversation will sum up this particular drunken come-to:

Officer: "What have you been drinking?"

Willow: "Everclear."

6. Bedroom Floor

This one isn't so much the place as it is the circumstances surrounding it.  A friend of mine that for purposes of anonymity will be referred to as "A Bash" had a long night of beer pong and brotherhood planned, but instead decided to black-out, lose a pint of blood and make a dozen drunk dials to the King County Police Station.

Here is his story:

8:05am: A Bash wakes up, commences confusion.

8:06: opens eyes, prays for sun to implode.

8:07: holy sinning testicles, his head hurts.

8:10: does not want move; afraid of which limb may not repond.

8:12: uncurls from fetal position. Only left arm is immobile.  Not so bad.

8:14: discovers left arm is completely encrusted in strawberry jam.

8:15: realizes only he would find strawberry jam prank funny.

8:16: realizes he is in extreme pain.

8:17: realizes jam is indeed dried river of blood.

8:20: realizes he has no recollection of anything after deciding to finish half gallon of rum with his little bro, Spam.

8:25: checks outgoing calls: Spam, Spam, Spam, 911, King County Prison, Spam, 91111, Spam, King County Prison, Professor McKinstry, Spam.

8:26: great...

8:30: stands up; holy awkward hand-jobs, his head hurts.

8:35: enters bathroom.

9:35: leaves bathroom.

9:50: calls girlfriend for info.

9:51: girlfriend's roommate says girlfriend will not speak to him.

9:52: girlfriend's roommate is disgusted with him.

9:52: great...

9:55: sits down on bed; holy indecipherable hieroglyphics, his head hurts.

10:10: ten people ask why Spam is in jail.  He does not know why Spam is in jail. 

He also does not know why he is covered in blood.

10:16: no one else knows why he is covered in blood, but apparently he must call a girl from next door to apologize for something.

10:17: uses girl for information. New information: he is a douche bag.

10:20: calls King County Prison; is told he will receive harassment charges if calling continues.

10:22: cleverly calls girlfriend from friend's phone; is told to "eat shit and die."

10:25: tries to stave off hangover with nice, cold beer.

10:35: enters bathroom.

11:35: leaves bathroom.

11:40: cell phone rings.  He answers.  It is Spam's older brother with new information. New information: he is a douche bag.

11:45: enters pledge quad. Is handed a paper titled: "Quotes from A Bash"

"I swam through gravel; I wouldn't recommend it."

"Hi, my name is A Bash, and Spam is getting gang-raped as we speak! Hello? Hello? I said Spam is getting-dammit!"

"If Spam has illegitimate ass babies it's all my fault."  

11:47: lies back down.

11:48: holy ostracized cheek fat, his head hurts.

11:50: drifts off to sleep.

Make sure to tune in next week for numbers 5-1!

1. Calling my roommate from...somewhere:

Mikey: "What?"

Alex: "Want me to pick you up anything from Burgerville?"
Mikey: "The fuck are you talking about?"

Alex: "We're going through the drive-through at Burgerville; you want a shake or something?"

Mikey: "The closest Burgerville to Seattle is like 200 miles away."

Alex: "I see..."

Mikey: "Dude, who are you with?"

(Long pause)

Alex: "I'm gonna have to call you back."

2. Calling a friend for a ride home:

Bonnie: "Where are you?"

Alex: "Hiding under a bridge."

Bonnie: "Again?"

3. Stumbling home from a 4 of July celebration:

Jeff: "Hello?"

Alex: "Jeff, what's a dime sack?"

Jeff: "A measurement of weed.  Why?"

Alex: "˜Because I'm currently holding one."

Jeff: "But you don't smoke."

Alex: "I know."

Jeff: "So how'd you get it?"

Alex: "I...don't know."

(Long pause)

Jeff: "It's really sad that I'm not even that surprised right now."

Alex: "What's an 8-ball?"

4. Coming out of a blackout, realizing I have no idea who I'm talking to:

Girl: "You're an asshole."

Alex: "Huh?"

Girl: "You're an asshole.  You're never nice to me; I don't know why I put up with you."

Alex: "Right, um, yea sorry about that. What exactly did I do?"

Girl: "Just...everything!  I mean, you always-"

Alex: "Gonna need specifics here, babe."

Girl: "Aaargh!"

-Click-

5. Calling Dano while watching football the morning after he got arrested:

Dano's Phone: "You've reached Dano's phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Alex: "Dano!  You're in fucking jail, man!  That sucks!"

TheOrangutan: "We're gonna come break you out, so listen up."

Alex: "Fuck jail!"

TheOrangutan:  "I have a Jeep, you have a truck.  Somehow I'm sure we can make that work."

Alex: (to TheOrangutan) "Dude, I think he's like ten stories up."

TheOrangutan: "Fuck. Well, how high can you jump?"

-Beep-

Dano's Phone: "You've reached Dano's phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Alex: "I can't believe you're actually in jail Dano.  I mean, come on, bro."

TheOrangutan:  "New plan; we're gonna gather everyone from the pledge class and bum rush the front desk."

Alex: "After the game, though."

TheOrangutan:  "Right."

Alex: "We should give him updates so he feels more connected."

TheOrangutan:  "Good idea."

Alex: "So, we just kicked off to them, and they ran it about fifteen yards until-"

-Beep-

Dano's Phone: "You've reached Dano's phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Alex: "Dano, bro, you really just need to get out of jail."

TheOrangutan: "Final plan: push the skinny button until you can squeeze out the window, then just float down like a piece of paper."

Alex: "But don't let some hobo make you into a sign."
TheOrangutan: "Unless it's one of those funny ones about ninjas."

Alex: "Right.  You hear that Dano?  Only if it has ninjas."

-Beep-

6. Attempting to make (un)wise investments:

Alex's Dad: "Hello?"

Alex: "Hi dad; could you buy me some stock in Anheuser-Busch?"

Alex's Dad: "The markets are closed."

Alex: "I'll pay you back."

Alex's Dad: "No, Alex, listen, the - wait, why do you want to buy Anheuser-Busch stock?"

Alex: "Well, judging by the size of my friends' and my bar tabs, you're going to want to buy some too."

Alex's Dad: (sighs)

Alex: "Do you think shareholders can opt to receive dividends in the form of Bud Light?"

7. Calling my old Atmospheric Sciences 101 Teacher's Assistant:

Alex: "Yo Jonesy how's it goin' bro?"

Jonesy: "It's going well man, just printing out tomorrow's quizzes."

Alex: "Really now...that's funny, because I was just studying for tomorrow's quiz and was wondering if you could help me, um, focus my studies?"

Jonesy: "Do you always study with Ludacris in the background?"

Alex: "Creates a nice aura of confidence."

Jonesy: "Yeah, you could really use more of that..."

ObnoxiousGirl: "What's up Weather TA?!  Holla!  I make it rain!  Haha."

Jonesy: "Drunk girls?"

Alex: "Just adding to the Ludacris concept."

Jonesy: "Are you going to come to class hungover again and sprint to the bathroom halfway through the quiz to puke?"

Alex: "For you Jonesy, I'll puke before I get to class."

Jonesy: "Thanks, Bash."

(Long silence)

Alex: "Sooo...how about them quiz questions?"

Jonesy: "Bye Alex."

-Click-

Alex: "Oh well, there's always cheating to fall back on."

Alcohol can do many things: increase confidence, get you laid, corrode your liver, make boring people interesting.  But did you know it could aid in eternal salvation, save endangered species, and protect otherwise-bludgeoned hobos?

That's fucking right you didn't.

But that's OK, because The Alcoholic Medium is here to show you how the world should be through groggy, bloodshot eyes.  Below you shall eleven places in which alcohol should flow abundantly.

(Note: funny thing is, I initially wrote this article as a total joke, but about halfway through realized I wasn't kidding at all.  Let me know if you agree.  Or, if you don't agree, why you hate yourself.)

Hospital waiting areas: miscommunication in healthcare can be deadly, and while we may speak different languages, we all slur the same.  We're also more open when buzzed, more honest about our medical histories/sex partners/drug use/defecation fetishes, and more likely to sleep with our doctors and nurses, which we all know leads to better care.

Naturally, being more open and informed will lead to more accurate diagnoses, more adeptly followed prescription plans, and overall, more lives saved.  No big deal.

Gyms: I think actually getting people to go to the gym and stay for longer outweighs the potential downfall of dropping a dumbbell on their foot.  As for legalities, make people sign legal waivers.  As for the strengthened hearts and healthier bodies-lived saved?  Hell fucking yes. Big deal? Not at all.

School Libraries: Want students to actually stick around for more than half an hour? Then give them a beer and stop making them pack up and go home because they want to study with a cold Bud Light.  Then they can study biology better, come up with cures for diseases, and save lives, which of course is no big deal.

Public Libraries: you're attendance is down-how do you get it up?  That's what I thought.  Keep us liquored-up brainiacs in there so we can read fantasy novels, become creative, and come up with new, innovative ways to combat the world's problems, in turn saving lives, and in turn declaring that it is, once again, no big deal.

Funerals: As a man, I generally only cry when my team unfairly loses or I get so fucked-in-half drunk I digress to the mental state of a four-year-old.  As a man, I tend to bottle up my feelings instead of pouring them out.  As a man, I generally block out obvious long-term life lessons in favor of living in the moment.

Having booze at funerals would solve all these problems. I would ball my eyes out, open my heart as if getting a mental pap smear, and cherish every waking moment with my loved ones.

Also, the typical funeral costs about $7,000.  200 attendees dropping $35 each at the bar...it's how grandpa would have wanted it. Grandpa also would have liked you to down a couple gin martinis in his memory, so stop shitting on his grave and tip a few back.

And, after this emotionally wrenching experience, all present would learn from Grandpa's mistakes and live more carefully, which would save lives. Big deal? We're getting there.

Church: religious or not, packing the pews with the Lord's Blood would, well, pack the pews.  Christmas and Easter Christians would come more regularly, never-befores would give it a chance the same way disenfranchised employees give open-bar company parties a chance, and devotees would be happy to see all the new faces.

Moreover, who hasn't woken up with an empty wallet after drinking?  The Collection Plates would be like big-titted bartenders.  Hymns would be like happily sang-along to 80s metal ballads.  Confessions would be tear-filled and way-way-way too honest, and sermons would be listened to like an ex-high school football player's crushed NFL dreams.

Lastly, if people end up converting, then in theory we're saving lives, and potentially-depending on what that white light means-avoiding eternal damnation. Big deal...? Nah.

Inside sharks: we should put alcohol where God forgot to, thus giving us a reason to fucking slice open the bastards.  Sharks, in case you forgot, kill people, so dicing them up and drinking their spoils would not only get us nice and saucy, but save some lives as well.  NBD.

In the Salivary Glands of Endangered Species: who would want to kill a Woodland Caribou if it secreted vodka? Booyah-lives saved.

Mars: There's no bigger motivator than having 10,000 liters of fine booze to choose from when some innovative young chap makes his way there and discovers the secret to saving earth from meeting the Red Planet's fate, thus saving the entire human population.  Hmmmm...maybe that one sort of is a big deal.

Back Seat of my Friends' Cars: I promise I won't spill this time.  I also won't throw the empty 40s out the window, thus not cracking the skulls of unfortunate passerby.  I didn't stick around long enough to see if this would save lives or merely a few intensive surgical procedures, but either way, it's kind of a big deal.

That One Bush I Always Stumble into on My Way Home from the Bars: Seriously, it's placed right after this unavoidable bump in the sidewalk.  It'd be nice to have something waiting for me in there instead of bristles and broken branches.  It would also possibly make me not bludgeon a hobo in frustration afterward. 

But they're just hobos, so I guess that really isn't a big deal after all.

Top 10 Guys Most Likely to be Dumped by their Girlfriends For Making Out With Dudes.

Top 10 Guys Most Likely to Shatter the Neighbor's Chandelier with a Stolen Assault Rifle.

Top 10 People Who Suck at Surviving Brain Hemorrhages.

Top 10 Girls Most Likely to Frantically Un-tag themselves in Facebook Pictures.

Top 10 Guys Who Should Cover Their Face and Run When They Hear Sirens.

Top 5 Girls Most Likely to Curl up in the Fetal Position in the Corner of the Shower and Cry.

Top 10 Guys Least Likely to Remember they Consented to a Paternity Test with that Chick they Knocked Up in Cabo and Now Have to Pay Six Years' Worth of Child Support.

Top 10 People Who are Seriously Considering Fleeing the Country-Like, Are Actually Legitimately Planning the Details-No Joke.

Top 10 People Most Likely to Not Be Able to Vote in the Upcoming Election.

Top 10 Girls Most Likely to be Able to Relate to Entirely Too Many Scenes from Requiem for a Dream.

To truly understand where we are going as partiers, we must understand from where we have come. We must enlighten ourselves with tales of belligerence from the past.  We must study the ways of great drinkers before us, for if we do, we very well may be able to avoid having to pay the gaggle of coked-out Swedish midgets $3K to hide the body and lie to the media.

Again.

Mankind's history is littered with moments when booze reigned supreme.  Even the most bright and powerful of their day have been swayed by its invigorating intoxicants.  From jewel-encrusted goblets to mono-encrusted keg cups, alcohol is truly the one indulgence shared by the richest of the rich to the poorest of the poor.

Also, masturbation.

Contained in this article are many of the great moments in Alcoholism, specifically, American Alcoholism.  I feel like everyone, including many Americans, believes that compared to the rest of the developed world, Americans can't drink worth shit.  Although this may be somewhat true (we're 14 in Beer Consumption Per Capita), throughout our history we have had some impressive high points, last night's three-story beer bong being only one of them.  For example:

¢ President Lincoln, when informed that General Grant drank whiskey while leading his troops, replied "Find out the name of the brand so I can give it to my other generals."  General Grant drinking whiskey = kicking ass.  Sounds about right.

¢ Rock Island, Illinois, has a bar that stretches 684 feet.  It is the longest in the world.  America? Fuck yeah.

¢ A great American named Johnny Appleseed spent the better part of his life walking around the Mid-West plating apple trees.  Not so the apples could be eaten, but so they could be fermented and made into hard cider. Dedication: what America is all about.

¢ The Puritans loaded more beer than water onto the Mayflower before they cast off for the New World.  They made it.  Weird.

¢ Before he was called to take his famous ride, Paul Revere was reportedly boozing tough.  Historians believe that if it weren't for his intoxication, he would have never been able to belligerently yell as loud as he did.

¢ Bourbon is the official spirit of the United States, by act of Congress.  Insert your "That explains everything!" joke here: ________.

¢ During World War II, "reduction of consumption" activists argued that soldiers should not be permitted to drink alcohol beverages. However, General George C. Marshall, Chief of Staff of the U.S. Army, insisted that such prohibition would be "harmful to the men in the service."  You read it right: prohibitionists supported Hitler.

¢ One particularly proud American was so offended by prohibition that he threw a huge party at his undergrad, Dartmouth, and was thus banned from all extra-curricular activities.  His name was Theodore Geisel. We know him better as Dr. Seuss.  You read it right: prohibitionists are against teaching children to read.

¢ The U.S. Marines' first recruiting station was in a bar.  Enough said.

¢ To celebrate the drafting of the US Constitution, the 55 writers ordered: 82 bottles of wine, 8 bottles of whiskey, 8 bottles of hard cider, and 7 bowls of punch large enough that "ducks could swim in them." No wonder the Constitution has worked so well for so long.

¢ Abraham Lincoln held a liquor license and operated several taverns.

America kicks ass.

But that's not all.

See, those aren't the only times alcohol has greatly impacted the fate of many.  Sure, they may be the only public/true ones, but I have sources deep within the news media who have informed me of several major international cover-ups over the last three millenniums.  Conspiracies that led them through unmarked doors and abandoned warehouses. Unlit alleys and untraceable phones.  Windowless buildings and disappearing walls.  Secret documents and clandestine scrolls.

And once they reached the end of the mysterious maze, they were given this super good lime vodka that didn't even need a chaser.

Stay tuned next week, when we discover why dice have six sides, why Satan's pitchfork has three prongs, how anally-raping prohibitionists can get you into heaven, and how they all connect to alcohol.

Below are five of the more, um, unique drive throughs my friends and I sometimes wind up at after one too many double shots of whatever that creepy girl with the Adam's Apple at the end of the bar bought us.

Drunken Outcome Drive Through

Guy #1: "Hi, I'd like thirteen Busch Lights and a shot of cheap vodka, please."

Cashier: "Alright, that'll be nine frequent bathroom breaks and a jacket to keep warm when you pass out on your ex-girlfriend's porch."

Guy #1: "Alright!"

Guy #2: "I'd like a six pack of Sam Adams and a dry martini, sir."

Cashier: "Let's see, your total comes to one inflated ego, two false perceptions of oneself, and a buffer to get the dried eggs off your car's windshield."

Guy #2: "Got change for a $100?"

Guy #3: "Hi, yeah, I'll take a pint of Jack Daniels and...let's do another pint of Jack Daniels."

Cashier: "Sure thing, chief!  That'll be three notebook-sized bandages, two mangled limbs, and a tow truck to get your car out of the ditch.  Oh, and a lawyer to defend you for stealing the car."

Guy #3: "Damn; did you guys raise your prices?"

Cashier: "Haven't changed ?em in 133 years."

Guy #4: "Hi, I'd like a bottle of absinthe, three Flaming Dr. Peppers and a pint of Bacardi 151."

Cashier: "Alright, I'm gonna need a doctor to call Time of Death, tissues to wipe away the tears of your loved ones, and a local news reporter trying hard to hide his laughter as he reports on your Darwinism-proving death."

Guy #4: "Just like my cousin."

Girl #1: "I'd like a bottle of flavored vodka please."

Cashier: "That'll be one broken condom and a head full of regrets."

Medical Drive Through

Shwang: "Hi, I'd like a textbook lumbar puncture and an EKG please?"

Cashier: "Sorry, we only have lumbar punctures with complications left."

Shwang: "Ok then, I guess I'll just do the Number Four with heparin."

Cashier: "Would you like any epinephrine with that?"

Shwang: "Um...sure.  Hey Todd, what do you want?"

Todd: "I'm gonna go with the brain MRI and a large shunt."

Cashier: "Spinal fluid leakage or lower stomach pain with your shunt?"

Todd: "Let's do the spinal leakage; that wasn't too bad last time."

Cashier: "Alright, your total comes to $13,000.  Please pull up to the next window and have your insurance cards ready."

Post Overly-Idealistic Plans Drive-Through

Tiggles: "Hello there, could I have one late-night bridge jumping session followed by a three-hour fuck-fest with Jamie as we're drying off?"

Cashier: "Sorry, we ran out of those in the 70s.  I could offer you one freezing cock and not enough towels followed by an unbroken moment of sexual tension as you struggle to change into dry clothes in the cramped back seat?"

Tiggles: "Fine.  Then could I also have a bottle of lube for later then?"

Cashier: "Sure; I'll even throw in the sympathy discount."

Tiggles: "Thanks, bud."

Brodie: "Hi, I'd like a spontaneous dance party on the corner of 6 and Pike followed by a limo ride with complete strangers to the VIP section of a club I've only seen on the travel channel."

Cashier: "Ouch, um, not gonna be able to do that.  What I can offer you is a series of questionably gay hip-gyrations followed by a seemingly endless string of poorly stifled laughter and awkward stares?"

Brodie: "I wish I was rich."

Cashier: "Don't we all."

ScrambledEgg: "Let's see...I'll take an incredibly attractive female two nights after a harsh breakup, a free bottle of champagne for winning the wing-eating contest, and a magic drug that cures both my shyness and speech impediment."

Cashier: "Sure, we can do that, but only if by "that" you mean "some ugly bitch in need of a self-esteem boost, overpriced doubles of tequila to lower your standards, and a happily over-looked slew of imperfections."

ScrambledEgg: "Great, it's like junior year all over again."

Valve: "Hi there. I would like to, for once: not lose my cell phone, wake up without an IV and/or catheter, resist calling a desperate fat chick, and forgo alienating a co-worker."

Cashier: "Sorry, no can do there Valve.  Looks like all we have left in stock are a fully-submerged, urine-covered cell phone, an infected catheter followed by a round of mislabeled prescription pills, a bruised pelvis, and an awkward walk past his office on Monday."

Valve: "I'm never going to retire, am I?"

Cashier: "You'll be dead by 33.  Don't worry about retiring."

Valve: "Wow, if it were possible, I'd say I'm even more depressed than before."

Cashier: "And I haven't even told you what the mislabeled pills were yet."

Inflated Self-Image & Reality Check Drive-Through

Duder: "I will take two extremely ripped biceps, dashing eyes and a smile that melts the clothes off the ladies."

Cashier: "Great. Well, we're out of everything you wanted, but what I can do is go ahead and replace the biceps with small shirt sleeves, the "dashing" with a plethora of synonyms for "dull," and your smile with a complex metaphor in which your teeth are daggers, clothes are various vital organs, and ladies are transgender midgets."

Duder: "Where's the clit?"

Cashier: "Kill yourself."

Chester Bennington III: "Give me three double shots of girls-will-like-me-because-I'm-rich. Pronto."

Cashier: "Alright, that'll be one empty wallet, a hooker, and an extra $100 for the hooker to lie to your friends about not being a hooker."

Chester Bennington III: "I wish I was my dad..."

PoorlyHiddenInsecurities: "I'll have one incredibleset of tits, an eye-catching crevasse of cleavage, and an ass that makes J-Lo sob."

Cashier: "Sure thing!"

PoorlyHiddenInsecurities: "Really?!"

Cashier: "No.  What I can do is offer you the Saturday night special of nine over-priced drinks, a pushup bra two cup sizes too small, frighteningly butt-cheek-like cleavage that makes guys wonder if you're actually an incredibly tall chick bending over, and a booty so flat pancakes feel cocky."

PoorlyHiddenInsecurities: "That doesn't sound too appetizing.  Anything else on the menu?"

Cashier: "Clinical Bulimia and Xanax."

PoorlyHiddenInsecurities: "Oh! I used to love that in high school!"

I Wish I was Somebody Else Drive-Through

Loser: "I'll take a long night of convincing myself that one more drink will make me confident enough to talk to girls, a resignedly-ordered large pizza, and a drunken pass-out on my friend's couch within the first ten minutes of a movie I've seen seven times."

Cashier: "Coming right up!"

A Tragedy Explained: Most think anchors were created to keep ships in place; this is a lie. It's what drink-happy captains told the public to justify having a gigantic cool-shaped keg on board at all times, and Edward John Smith (ill-fated captain of the Titanic) was about as big an imbiber as they come. As the Titanic approached the ice berg, people tried to use the anchor to slow them down only to discover the truth: they were going to be the most happily drunken people to ever drown in the icy waters of the Atlantic Ocean.

Sailors:

Two ships of four.

Supplies:

- Eight quarters (try not to dip into savings).
- A large pitcher of beer.
- Hand-eye coordination.
- Cup to mouth coordination.
- Throat to Stomach coordination.
- Sober to Drunk coordination.

49. Battle Axes: killing people just became 66% more bad ass.

48. Cows: meat and milk? It's like a super animal!

47. Masturbation: through pain and suffering and joy and happiness, masturbation is there for you.

46. Fake Cell Phone Calls: fuck you, annoying guy from down the street.

45. Vagueness: when mumbling about nothing fails, vagueness can always be called upon to get you off the hook.

44. Whales: because we need something pointless to nuke.

43. Sarcasm: allows me to say outrageous comments that I really do mean but will never get in trouble for.

42. Sharp Objects & Accidents: saving the gene pool.

41. High Bridges: giving suicidal people one last moment of fun.

40. Bubble Yum: inducing mouth-orgasms since 1975.

39. The Menstrual Cycle: a completely justifiable excuse for guys to declare "Blow Job Week" once a month.

38. Paying for Dinner: a completely justifiable excuse for guys to declare "Blow Job Week" once a month.

37. Re-Runs: wasting time has never been more almost enjoyable.

36. Grandpa's Frequent Flyer Miles: It's not like he uses them.

35. 9-1-1: providing quick relief to drunken idiots who see how far they can throw flaming Pita Pit wrappers in mid-July.

34. Metaphors: I didn't really call you a soulless whore, it was just a metaphor.

33. Jock Straps: saving my nuts since 1874.

32. Viagra: fuck you, whiskey dick.

31. Suffrage: giving women to right to be just as horny as men.

30. Hand Sanitizer: because washing my hands takes too fucking long.

29. Really Cold Milk: hella good.

28. Altoids: hiding rum-breath from your boss since the 19th century.

27. Pancakes: (see number 24)

26. Good Charlotte: giving hope to aspiring musicians, because if they made it, anyone can.

25. Judging People: why keep an open mind when you can close it and get back to growing that sweet goatee?

24. Microwaved Syrup: (see number 27)

23. Spam Email: because getting rid of pointless shit makes me feel productive.

22. Integrity: giving politicians something to lie about besides the goats they fuck.

21. Torture: hey, for those who deserve it...

20. Stereotyping: because analyzing people based on facts and personality is way too much work.

19. Toilets: hell yeah Ammonium Laureth Sulfate is the second most common ingredient in Pantene Pro-V.

18. Flavored Vodka: waaaaaay easier to get girls drunk.

17. Mario Cart: I've seen people kill over this game, which is excellent.

16. Social Standards: because holy fucking shit is it easy being a guy.

15. Spelling/Grammar Check: I'm alwayees loved thiis feeture.

14. Internet Porn: free samples are more than enough for me.

13. Fraternities: where stereotypes come to life in the most drunkenly awesome ways.

12. Sororities: where stereotypes come to life in the most drunkenly awesome ways.

11. Seemingly-Endless Lists about Random Shit: because writing real books requires work.

10. Blow Jobs: giving infinitely more use to the female mouth.

9. Vegans: God needs to hate somebody, right?

8. Post-it Notes: the anti-clusterfuck.

7. Football Season: the ultimate justification for daytime drinking.

6. Lying: keeping me out of jail since age 12.

5. Grading Curves: because compared to that moron I'm a fucking genius.

4. Coffee: No, I don't have a severe caffeine addiction, I just love my java!

3. Doggie-Style: simply the best.

2. Nipples: no explanation necessary.

1. Alcohol: enhancing every aspect of life by 8 billion percent.

But aside from oral projectiles of half-digested chicken wings and tequila shots, there are also many words to describe how you feel.  Sure, they may be slurred and spoken through a mouth full of mozzarella sticks, bar nuts, dick, etc., but if comprehended, they can tell volumes about what your given drunkard has in store for themselves.  And, more likely, what you can do to avoid Hurricane Slammed.

Below are the seventy-two most commonly used words and phrases to declare one's intoxication, and what exactly the particular form of belligerence will lead to.  Yes, there are others, but the lab is still working on them

So if you're ready to figure out if you'll end up chain smoking, fighting the bar stool or fucking a fat chick, read on brave soldier, read on.

Buzzed: actually laugh at girls' jokes.

Hammered: fight bar stools.

Tipsy: legitimately begin to believe you can dance.

Browned-Out: steal bagels.

Shit-Housed: shit on, or around the living quarters of your fellow man.

Shit-Faced: argue with lamps.

Blacked-Out: vomit and punch people.

Sloshed: vomit and punch people.

Slammed: eat late night fast food,vomit and punch people.

Faded: smoke pot.

Seriously drunk dude, seriously, for reals: get punched in the face.

Pissed: play cricket.

Loaded: chain smoke and scream at passing cars.

Crunk: lose seventy IQ points.

Bombed: be denied liver transplant.

Fucked-Up: make outrageous claims regarding sexual conquests and FUCK YOU TOO, BITCH!

Fat-Chick-Fucking-Drunk: fuck fat chicks.

Wasted: drop the d, add "of life," embody.

Intoxicated: masturbate, cry.

Blasted: chip tooth mid Jager Bomb.

Awiurgfwiurel: attempt to speak with dick in mouth.

Belligerent: engage in debauchery, shenanigans, and other nouns that have too many letters for the average level of drunkenness of their participants.

Blitzed: commit genocide upon liver enzymes.

Tanked: shatter dreams.

Totally GONE Bro!: continue not shaving.

Plastered: pee yourself.

Under the Table: acquire tape worms.

Canned: crush metaphorical beer can on metaphorical life.

Sauced: sweat from nipples.

Inebriated: see "intoxicated."

Obliterated: die in fiery inferno of twisted metal and horrific screams.

Besotted: search "drunk" on thesaurus.com.

Befuddled: under-tip due to non-remembrance of last four drinks.

Cockeyed: finally figure out what Little Jon meant by "Skeet."

Absolutely Destroyed: attempt to crawl out of ditch, fail, curl in fetal position, cry.

Grogged-up: play Flogging Molly at unacceptably loud volume.

Juiced: join MLB.

Plowed: tackle unsuspecting chairs.

Sauced: pile-drive genitals into backside of unfortunate female.

Bent: borrow girlfriend's makeup to cover black eye(s).

Three Sheets to the Wind: annoy others with constant usage of vague metaphors.

Pixelated: become frightened by size of one's own pupils.  Acquire phacoemulsification probe for orogolomistician surgery.

Legless: scream in agony.

Under the Influence:

Blotto: get raped by a kangaroo.  Contemplate telling others.

Merle Haggard: run agambling and brewing racket from your prison cell.

On the Piss: drink Coors Light.

Wroughted: embark upon Lord of the Rings-esque journey to nearest Wendy's.

Guttered: wake up in bed; laugh at irony.

Crapulent: attain Pink Eye. Spread to housemates.

Toasted: pray that white paste in hair is cream cheese.

A Couple of Chapters into the Novel: begin detailed character development, history and complexities of relationships, and outline of possible future conflicts.  Puke in sink.

Blitzkrieged: make tasteless jokes.

Chemically Imbalanced: inject thyroid with scotch; open gates to Manic Depressive Roller Coaster Theme Park.

Cranked: ride the white pony.

Down the Creek:

Fermented: bathe in tub of barley and hops. Drink own urine.

Jazzed: forget to push elevator button. Pass out in lobby.

Marinated: mistake blood for marinara sauce. Contract AIDS.

Saturated: drown in nearby puddle.

Seasoned: hate yourself for knowing when to stop.

Stupified: ponder the heavenly wonder that is the Flaming Dr. Pepper.

Smurfed Up: engage in Socialist/Marxist propaganda.

Toxic: come so close to death it takes up to a week for it to be ok for someone to make a joke about.

Wicked Retaarded: go to a Red Sox game.

Afflicted: stare at Happy Hour menu; consider alcohol percentage per dollar.

At Peace with the Floor: get Athlete's Foot in ear canal.

Ambushed:

Drucking Funk: remain persistent in making lame wordplay jokes despite continued groans of annoyance.

In Rare Form: make increasingly ironic jokes about one's afflictions.

Wearing a Wobbly Boot: repeat phrases you heard from Australian cousins.

Catatonic: practice partial differential equations. Stumble into bush.

Another form of inebriation comes from something I believe scientists these days are calling "Dank Chron."  However, in some laboratory circles they are still referring to it by its original chemical name, "The Stickiest of the Icky."

As with being drunk, there are various kinds of highs derived from marijuana, all of which cause the smokee to act in a particular way, usually ending in the consumption of large amount of Cool Ranch Doritos.

High: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat three bowls of Fritos.

Stoned: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat eight bags of white cheddar popcorn.

Toasted: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat four Cheerio and honey sandwiches with chocolate sauce and sprinkles.

Roasted: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat six bags of gummy worms.

Baked: Watch TV, make lame jokes,

Fried: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat three pints of ice cream with questionable expiration date.

Hazed: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat unexplainable assortment of Chinese food and pasta alfredo.

Seasoned: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat severely undercooked, over-seasoned and over-sauced meat product.

Blazed: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat congealed bacon fat.

Ripped: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat totally fucking insane amounts of those one ranch-flavored corn nuts.

Hashed: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat three packets of Big League Chew.

Doped: Watch TV, make lame jokes, eat index finger mistaken for dangerously cheesy Cheeto.

But it's not only me calling others that has become a problem.  What's happening now is that I'm receiving important phone calls when I'm drunk, and therefore involving myself in something I like to call Alcoholic Answering.  I have since learned to let calls go to voice mail so I can listen and devise a plan before calling them back.  The number of times I have actually followed through with this logic can be counted with my elbow.

Below are eight drunken phone conversations I have had over the years. All of them are true, at least to my best recollection, which I'll be the first to admit is absolutely terrible. 

Don't be like me.

(Calling an ex-girlfriend during a night of drunken nostalgia)

Alex: "So what are you up to these days?"

Jess: "Just hanging out with my husband; still trying to play soccer whenever I-""

Alex: "Nice talking to you!"

-Click-


(Trying to help a friend get to the bar I was at)

Alex: "I don't know the name of the bar."

Aaron: "Well, describe it to me then."

Alex: "Ok, there's some pool tables, a dance floor, and a bunch of fire on the table."

Aaron: "Oh, you mean the Ballroom; they have those little fire pits and-"

Alex: "I found it! The sign says...Red Door.  We're at the Red Door in Fremont."

Aaron: "Alex, there's no fire pits at the Red Door.

Alex: "I don't suppose fire trucks are a part of the décor?"

Aaron: "I'm staying home."


(Walking back from the bars to find my girlfriend)

Alex: "Where are you?"

Bonnie: "Your house - do you need me to come get you from the bars again?"

Alex: "No I walked back."

Bonnie: "Alex that's like three miles."

Alex: "Three miles ain't got shit on me. I'll fucking kill three miles."

Bonnie: "Alex where are you?"

Alex: "Going to your house to pick you up."

Bonnie: "But I'm at your house."

Alex: "Gimme like thirty seconds I'll be outside."

Bonnie: "No, Alex, I'm at your house. I'm at the annex with the other guys and-"

Alex: "About ten steps I'll be at your door."

Bonnie: "Jesus Christ Alex I'm at YOUR HOUSE. On 19 and 47 just before-"

Alex: "Bonnie they won't let me into your house."

Bonnie: "Oh my fucking God I'm not at my hou-"

Alex: "I'm going to try the back entrance. Wish me luck babe!"

(Calling a girl I wanted to come over)

Alex: "Hi Casey! Remember me?!"

Casey: "Huh?"

Alex: "It's me, Alex. The guitar guy. Remember? I even knew that one Sense Field song you claimed no one had heard of."

Casey: "Yeah..."

Alex: "Oh come on! We hung out for like two hours!"

Casey: "What did you say your name was again?"

Alex: "Fuck this; I'm calling Chelsea."

Casey: "Relax Alex, I'm kidding.  We've been hooking up for almost a month now you dork.  And wait, who the fuck is Chelsea?  Are you fucking playing me?"

(Long silence)

Alex: "I really need a girlfriend."

(Calling my girlfriend from South Padre Island)

Alex: "I think I'm lost."

Bonnie: "How are you lost?"

Alex: "Well, me and Chris got kicked out of the club and then snuck back in and hid under the stage and then got caught and ran and jumped over the fence and fell through a tree and ran and ran and ran and now I don't know where I am.

Bonnie: "Where's Chris?"

Alex: "Probably in jail."

Bonnie: "Oh my God!"
Alex: "Nah it's cool he was in jail last week too; he'll be fine."

Bonnie: "Alex you need to find him!"

Alex: "I think I'm being chased."

Bonnie: "By who? Alex you need to call the police!"

Alex: "Meh. They don't look too threatening. I should probably put down the phone though so I can run faster.  Who knew Spring Break would be such a good workout?!"

(Calling my roommate from...somewhere)

Mikey: "What?"

Alex: "Want me to pick you up anything from Burgerville?"
Mikey: "The fuck are you talking about?"

Alex: "We're going through the drive-through at Burgerville; you want a shake or something?"

Mikey: "The closest Burgerville to Seattle is almost 200 miles away."

Alex: "I see..."

Mikey: "Dude, who are you with?"

(long pause)

Alex: "I'm gonna have to call you back."


(Calling Teebs while watching football the morning after he got arrested)

Teebs' Phone: "You've reached Teebs' phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Alex: "Teebs!  You're in fucking jail, man!  That sucks!"

TheOrangutan: "We're gonna come break you out, so listen up.

Alex: "Fuck jail!"

TheOrangutan:  "I have a Jeep, you have a truck.  Somehow I'm sure we can make that work."

Alex: "Dude, I think he's like ten stories up."

TheOrangutan: "Fuck. Well, how high can you jump?"

-Beep-

Teebs' Phone: "You've reached Teebs' phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Alex: "I can't believe you're actually in jail Teebs.  I mean, come on, bro."

TheOrangutan:  "New plan; we're gonna gather everyone from the pledge class and bum rush the front desk."

Alex: "After the game though."

TheOrangutan:  "Right."

Alex: "We should give him updates so he feels more connected."

TheOrangutan:  "Good idea."

Alex: "So, we just kicked off to them, and they ran it about fifteen yards until-"

-Beep-

Teebs' Phone: "You've reached Teebs' phone, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Alex: "Teebs, bro, you really just need to get out of jail."

TheOrangutan: "Final plan: push the skinny button until you can squeeze out, then float out the window like a piece of paper."

Alex: "Just don't let some hobo make you into a sign."
TheOrangutan: "Unless it's one of those funny ones about ninjas."

Alex: "Right.  You hear that Teebs?  Only if it has ninjas."

-Beep-


(Calling jack-in-the-Box for the new delivery service they apparently started offering)

Alex: "Yeah, can I get three cheese burgers, a diet coke, and two orders of-"

Alex's Mom: "Alex?"
Alex: "Shhh, not done yet.  And two orders of fries.  What do you want, Doug?"

Doug: "Hi Jack-in-the-Box. I'll have four hamburgers and a vanilla shake. And can I have a few fries to dip in the shake? That'd be super sweet."

Alex's Mom: "Alex, I' don't know what you think you're-"

Alex:  "Oh!  Can I change my three cheeseburgers to FOUR cheeseburgers? Please please please please please?"

(long silence)

Alex's Mom: "Sure."

Alex and Doug: "YAY!!"

(sound of high-fiving)

Vodka: parked in front of the office, checking pockets for DUI ticket.

Whiskey: bar fight.

Margaritas: pet store, face pressed against Parrot cage.

Light Beer: friend's couch with Guitar Hero guitar resting on lap, surrounded by flipped-over keg cups and wearing an empty eighteen pack of Busch Light as a helmet.

Everclear: morgue.

Dark Beer: roof of unfamiliar building, considering feasibility of Matrix.

Rum: hotel bedroom, unsure of why you're in a hotel bedroom.

Vodka-Red Bulls: ditch on side of the road, analyzing car tire skid marks.

Wine: your parent's house.

Gin: BarcaLounger in front of deafeningly loud C-Span.

Saki: death match with Goku.

Absinthe: Bat Cave.

You would have needed a new laptop soon anyway.  Those 2007 models are crap.

I like to think of times like these as good opportunities to practice optimism. 

Really more of an implosion than an explosion, I'd say. 

Well, now that you have no beer left you can't get a DUI.  You're welcome.

Think of it as a new convertible.

9. Why can't I move my arm?

8. Please be attractive, please be attractive...

7. I really hope that's not my blood.

6. He posts the lecture notes online, right?

5. I was tired of having a job anyway.

4. Where the fuck am I?

3. I can always take a make-up quiz.

2. Please don't tell (insert name) about this.

1. I am not going to drink until at least next week...minus six days.

It's not my fault you paint cop cars the same color as urinals.

Oh...that explains why the super glue didn't work.  My bad.

Why does everyone always say that?  Alex, you drink too much. Alex, you can't keep coming home with yield signs.  Alex, my fish don't like vodka.  Chill people, chill.

There's no way I could have had sex with your hot tub jet; I had whiskey dick.

Well, that's what health insurance is for.  And plastic surgeons.

I think now is a good time to practice your compassion skills.

Fine, look, we'll go to the vet and see if they can remove the fish hook from Brownie's nose; I'll even pay for gas.

Those molars had to come out eventually anyway.

Exactly, and now that you can't eat anything but ice chips for two weeks, you'll lose tons of weight!

Who cares; I mean, you're right handed, right?

Expect the cardio side of the gym to be lined with wine tastings, and instead of water fountains: barrels of wine! Just place you cup under the tap and bam! heart-saving French Burgundy spills out. Scared that you'll drop a dumbbell on yourself after too much heart-juice? Don't worry! Just stop using weights too! See, the heart pumps blood through your entire body including your muscles, so the healthier your heart gets, the more blood it will pump through your muscles, which is the whole point of using free weights in the first place, right? Instead of spending 30 minutes a day pounding out reps, spend that time pounding back red.

But wait, there's more:
So your heart is under control with the wine, and your muscles are thoroughly pumped, but you still need to tear those muscle fibers. Nobody wants a double chin or flabby face, but how do you work it out? Well, if you live in Seattle this should be easy, because studies show that a steady diet of screaming at other cars during times of extreme traffic (hours: 4am - God damn fucking forever) is sufficient to keep those cheeks taught. Think Pilates will tone your upper body? Think again: studies show that pushing firmly on your car's horn 25-30 times per drive can work all the muscles in your chest and shoulders. Not enough? Try a solid minute-long horn blast and feel the burn!

Toning up:
Studies also show that to really tone your muscles you need to work those little "stabilizer" muscles that large movements and classic lifts just can't seem to find. But how do you work them out, you ask? This used to be an expert's-only piece of information, but new studies show that the body works the stabilizer muscles best when done naturally, so they suggest that, at least three times a week, you walk to a bar, drink yourself into state of intoxication rivaling a coma, and then stumble your way home. The amount of balance you'll need to make it there will be more than enough to work even the tiniest of stabilizer muscles, and the hour you spend trying to call your ex-girlfriend will keep your fingers nice and nimble.

Don't forget the upper body:
Now that we're heart-healthy and toned, how about some upper bodywork? What man doesn't want muscular arms? Well, no longer do you have to hide those twigs behind expensive suits, because studies show that Wendy's new triple-stack burger is so heavy and takes so many bites to eat that raising it your mouth 10-15 times with both arms will do more than enough work on the biceps. But it doesn't stop there! The added weight the triple-stack puts on your body will force you to push harder to get your fat-ass out of chairs, thus working the triceps in a dipping motion. It really is that easy!

And lastly, the abdominals:
There's one last muscle group that science has yet to figure out, and it's a big one: abs. However, a Sri Lankan informant of mine has just briefed me on a ground-breaking study from "this scientist guy he knows" claiming that simply breathing harder can work the abs as much as a 30-minute sit-up session. See, when you breathe, the stomach muscles contract, thus working the abs like a sit-up would. The problem is that we're not breathing enough. Luckily, we already have a solution. If you follow the aforementioned health-science breakthroughs the amount of extra breathing you'll need to do between long swigs of red wine, loud shouts at incompetent motorists, and large bites of processed meat will be more than enough to burn away that muffin top.

Now if you'll excuse you, it's almost afternoon rush hour - time to hit the gym!

9. Thou shall knoweth more about thy daily zinc and calcium intake from one serving than thou knows about thy family history.

8. Thou shall laugheth during Austin Powers when the bad guy says "They're always after me lucky charms" for yea, our marketing team kicks ass.

7. Thou shall not diggith through thine box and pick out the marshmallows, for yea, thy hands are fucking dirty.

6. Thou shall spiketh thy blood sugar daily with thine high fructose corn syrup.

5. Thou shall never send in proofs of purchase for shitty toys, for behold, they are shitty.

4. Thou shall doeth the puzzles on the back of thee box, for yea, they are awesome.

3. Thou shall wondereth with thine friends why General Mills doesn't make a cereal with only the marshmallows.

2. Thou shall drinketh thy left over milk from thy cereal, for yea, it is delicious.

1. Thou shall eateth all the brown pieces first and saveth the marshmallows for last, for I tell the truth: the first will be last and the last will be delicious.

Saying: "I'm studying jazz piano."
Translation: "Stop. Stop laughing at me. It's my passion. Fuck you guys!"

Saying: "I'm studying geography."
Translation: "Because there is no ˜real estate' major."

Saying: (female) "I'm studying sales."
Translation: "I have a loose vagina."

Saying: (male) "I'm studying sales."
Translation: "I have a loose vagina."

Saying: "I'm studying History."
Translation: "I˜d like to be a teacher."

Pass Go, Collect 200 Watts of Awesome
Mutated Hamsters and the Carrot Famine
Questionably Expired Milk
Sinful Testicles and the Long Road Home
Impure Tomatoes
Butt Thumbers
Hindered Peripheral Vision
The Humming Gynecologists
Difficult Caucasian Grad School Admission
Malfunctioning PC Load Letters
Back-Dated Stock Options
Grammatical Flaws
Inerasable Scantrons
Peeing off the Balcony
The Beatles
40 Ounces of Awesome
Grandpa's Inheritance
Gigabytes of Funk
The Cervix Ticklers
The Questionable 9th Planet

9. Thou shall not considereth thine use of lube, for yea, thou art inexperienced.

8. Thou shall kind of hurt, but kind of feel good, depending on thou's level of drunkenness.

7. Thou shall thinketh that faster is better, but behold, thine technique is most important.

6. Thou shall attempteth thine ball-tickle, for yea, thou hath seen it in Cosmo.

5. Thou shall createth dost unholy conundrum, where thine desires the blowjob but is afraid to ask, for yea, some girls are not into that.

4. Thou shall thinketh thine pre-cum is enough lubrication, but behold, it is gone within seconds.

3. Thou shall sayeth thee classic line "It's not that I don't like it, but, well, um, could you use your mouth?"

2. Thou shall becometh obsolete when thee man discovers thy glorious act of masturbation.

1. Thou shall become synonymous with 9th grade.

Saying: "Wanna go to the gym?"
Translation: "I need a spot on bench."

Saying: "How often do you guys have sorority exchanges?"
Translation: "How many times per week can I expect to get laid?"

Saying: "We have the highest GPA of all the houses."
Translation: "We have the biggest test file ever."

Saying: "Wanna come over and play some beer pong?"
Translation: "And have sex?"

Saying: "We're having a party this Thursday - you should come hang out."
Translation: "And have sex."

Saying: "Wanna come over and have sex?"
Translation: "And have sex?"

Saying: "Work hard, play hard."
Translation: "Don't get caught cheating, drink heavily."