Train Horn-


Train: WATCH OUT. WATCH OUT, I AM A TRAIN.

Me: Ah! Jesus, what time is it?

Train: I AM THE 3AM TRAIN OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW. DON'T GO ONTO THE TRACKS!

Me: Wha- It's three o'clock in the morning. I was asleep, in my bed. In my home.

Train: CAN'T STOP TO TALK. I HAVE TO DELIVER A VERY IMPORTANT SHIPMENT OF NOTHING AT ALL. WATCH OUT FOR ME, THE TRAIN.

Me: I am not watching out. I am going back to sleep.

Train: WE COULD TALK A LITTLE, IF YOU WANT. I AM VERY LONELY!

There are some situations that arise on New Year's Eve that are difficult to address, but now you can handle these issues through the age old practice of mailing cards.

I think it's safe to say that many college students, particularly those under 21 and without a fake ID, experience heavy amounts of boredom while at home or at a relative's house over Christmas Break. Aside from the first few days home where you sleep 18 hours of the day, the 10 exhilarating minutes of opening a dwindling amount of presents each year, and the few parties with your high school friends, you end up with several hours with absolutely nothing to do. I've developed three activities to carve away at some of the remaining hours between now and when you return to college, aside from the basic lame time wasters such as reading a book, watching the same stupid Christmas movies, or bonding with family you haven't seen in years.

It's Friday morning at 8:45, and you have to make a game-time decision whether or not to roll out of bed and lurch into your 9:00am class or stay in the warmth of your bed for a few more hours. Luckily, you now have this handy guide to help you decide if the benefits of going to class outweigh the costs. Simply add up the points attributed and find your answer!

For the past two years, I've been outsourcing the most tedious parts of my life to India.  It's a win-win situation:  Some desperately poor Indian becomes a tiny bit less poor, and I can train my laser-like intellect on the things in life that really matter, like making perfect toast. Every. Single. Time.  Here's how I outsource my life, so you can too:

Homework
For $6 a day, I send all my homework to a 33 year-old Indian man named Rahul Vasanta.  My English professor was really impressed by my 28-page paper comparing Macbeth to the ancient myth of Vishnu complete with translations from the original Sanskrit.  He was less impressed by the intricate cricket metaphors and the constant misspelling of "color."  I guess Rahul thinks that he can make up whatever weird words he wants just because he has a PhD. from Oxford in 17th century English literature and wrote two chapters of the dictionary.  (That's what you get for going to a college named after a type of shirt.  Idiot.)

Because sometimes real news headlines inspire supplemental cartoons. All these headlines were stolen from CNN.com

To prepare for Halloween this year, I decided to put together a rough guide of how people's Halloweens are spent at different times in their lives:

Stage 1: Trick or Treating: Ages 3-13

The most innocent of the Halloween stages, the Trick or Treating stage is an opportunity to dress up like your favorite power ranger, animal, or scary character for a whole day, then come home to a family pumpkin carving festival. After that, kids in the Trick or Treating stage spend the night walking around the neighborhood getting candy from the neighbors. It is a simple time...it is a better time.

 

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We all know of the standard second base, third base, etc. when describing different kinds of sexual endeavors, but there are many other baseball terms that are used more rarely to describe these kinds of acts. For instance:

Sacrifice Fly: A term describing the act of "taking one for the team". You sacrifice your dignity and get with a below average friend of a girl so that he can score.

First Base Coach: This represents your wingman. Once you get to first, he advises you to either make your way to second or stop at first if he knows you won't make it.

Check Your Swing: This symbolizes being about to get with a girl, but then at the last moment decide that it's not a good idea, and that you'll try your chances when a better girl/pitch comes along.

Fielder's Choice: This term comes into play when 2 guys are both trying to get with the same girl, and you know that she is going to throw one of them out and one is going to reach base.

We recently got a very interesting email here at CollegeHumor. We realized right away what kind of opportunity we had. I scrambled to write questions, questions I have been dying to ask. 24 hours later here I am. Posting an interview with I had with this guy.

When did you make the jump from one collared shirt to two, two to three, three to four? Was it a gradual process with steps? Or did 4 come out of nowhere?

Trust me, you don't want to make the jump straight to 4, it could kill you. It's a long and grueling process to get up to 4 shirts, and so far I'm the only one with enough coolness to get there.

How hard is the final shirt to put on? Do you need to buy your shirts in varying sizes?

They are all size small, to accentuate my already bulging muscles. In order to get the last one on, I had to have several women rub me down in corn oil. It took about 7 hours, plus 2 for the corn oil to dry.

How many collared shirts do you own?

Hmmm. How many different polo shirts has Abercrombie & Fitch made? Multiply that number by 4. That's your answer.

THE YEAR: 2019. Dale is playing Virtual Boy 6 when Chris rolls through the door.

Chris: Hey bro! Sorry about this. There were so many PT Cruisers outside I couldn't find a place to park my Segway.

Chris plops down on the couch and begins channel surfing.

Chris: Yo, toss me a Zima!

Dale: All out, bro. I've got New Coke, Coke II, and Crystal Pepsi.

Chris: Hey, the XFL playoffs are on. The Chicago Enforcers are playing the Orlando Rage.

News Anchor: We interrupt this broadcast of the XFL to bring you a tragic message: President Howard Dean has succumbed to the Asian Bird Flu.

Chris: (changing the channel) I hate how they schedule "Joey" at the same time as "Studio 60." They're both so f*cking good.

Dale: Really? I feel like "Joey" went downhill after the thirteenth season.