CollegeHumor: User 1328040's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789049 My Summer Morning Routine Hates Me Tue, 04 Aug 2009 13:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789049 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Alarm Clock: I'm a racing car, passing by, like Lady Godiva. I'm gonna go, go, go, there's no stopping me. I'M BURNING THROUGH THE SKY, YEAH!

Me: Ugh, please stop.

Alarm Clock: Don't give me that sh*t, college boy. You've been working for two months and you're still incapable of waking up early like a normal working person? What are you going to do when you graduate?

Pillow: He probably won't find a job anyway.

Curtains: Hey boss, want me to pull up for the day?

Me: Please, no. Just let me sleep for 7 more minutes.

Alarm Clock: No. You hit snooze 6 times yesterday, we are not starting this again. Go ahead curtains, let him have it.

Me: Arrrrrgh!

Sun: Morning you lil' bitch! Yeah, got my sh*t all up in them eyes, how you like that!?

Alarm Clock: 9,900 DEGREES, THAT'S WHY THEY CALL HIM MR. FARENHEIT!

Me: OK, fine, I'm up, I'm up.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-08-04 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 40 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774131 If Samuel L. Jackson Lines Followed The "Snakes on a Plane" Formula Wed, 22 Apr 2009 12:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774131 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
"I have had it with these motherf*cking dinosaurs in this motherf*cking theme park!"

"I have had it with these motherf*cking kids failing their motherf*cking classes!"
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-04-22 12:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 75 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1772597 March Madness No Fun and Games for State Mental Institutions Sun, 22 Mar 2009 16:29:22 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1772597 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>      
"I was THIS close to picking Wisconsin over Florida State!"

     Although "March Madness" is a fun and exciting time of year for college sports fans and gambling enthusiasts alike, it is the most dreaded time of year for the numerous mental institution employees in Massachusetts. "March is absolutely the worst time to work here," said Maria Williams, who works at the Massachusetts Mental Health Center. "I have to deal with over 30 prank calls a day, and it is very difficult to remain civil with people who joke about something that is in fact very serious." Williams said that the prank calls include people saying things like "I always go a little mad this time of year, can I check in for the month?", "How busy do you guys usually get in March?", and the inevitable "Yes hi, can I speak to a Cray Person, middle initial Z?"
      The agony extends beyond the nuthouse for many of these employees, as friends and family ruthlessly make pun after pun on the word "mad". "It's the same s***, year after year," lamented Williams, lighting a cigarette. "I don't know how much more I can take." Williams said that even her husband of 10 years, who knows she can't stand this time of year, also cannot resist making jokes to her."It's just too much fun," said a smirking Brian Williams, Maria's husband." Besides, she's so cute when she's mad."
      Williams and a few of her coworkers appealed to the NCAA to change "March Madness" to a different term to avoid their suffering, but their efforts were to no avail. Williams knew that she had only a small chance of succeeding in getting the NCAA to change the name, and upon realizing that the best alternative they could offer was the laughably inadequate "March Merriment", she almost gave up hope entirely. "We had to try, we just had to try to end this," said a melancholy Williams. "I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that my life is going to miserable one month out of the year." I foolishly asked at the end of the interview whether Williams thought her suffering should be compensated witha bump to the next income bracket, at which point she lunged out of her chair and attempted to strangle the life out of me. I ended up OK though, and I hear Mrs. Williams is doing fine as a resident in the Massachusetts Mental Health Center.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1770643 7 Homeless Signs That Might Persuade Me to Give a Dollar to The Person Holding It, Provided That There Was A Unfavorable Timing On the Upcoming Stoplight Wed, 11 Feb 2009 15:02:08 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1770643 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
























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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 9 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1768776 Appropriate Post-New Year Cards Tue, 06 Jan 2009 18:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1768776 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> There are some situations that arise on New Year's Eve that are difficult to address, but now you can handle these issues through the age old practice of mailing cards.


Cards are in sets of 2, showing front and inside:



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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-01-06 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 125 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1768378 3 Alternative Time Wasters for Christmas Break Fri, 02 Jan 2009 12:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1768378 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I think it's safe to say that many college students, particularly those under 21 and without a fake ID, experience heavy amounts of boredom while at home or at a relative's house over Christmas Break. Aside from the first few days home where you sleep 18 hours of the day, the 10 exhilarating minutes of opening a dwindling amount of presents each year, and the few parties with your high school friends, you end up with several hours with absolutely nothing to do. I've developed three activities to carve away at some of the remaining hours between now and when you return to college, aside from the basic lame time wasters such as reading a book, watching the same stupid Christmas movies, or bonding with family you haven't seen in years.

 

(Note: All are tried and true.)

Start a political argument with the relative that holds the strongest beliefs: Every family has that one uncle/aunt that is absolutely entrenched in his/her beliefs, and argues blindly for his/her points without even considering opposing arguments. This is the relative that will change you from being bored into fearing for your life, which is a good way to pass the time. Start out with a small little poke to get them started and then just build their anger from there. Say for example Uncle Randy is in town from Detroit. Just make a little comment such as "it's a shame the government decided to bailout those doomed U.S. automakers" and watch the fun begin. Uncle Randy will then launch into a tirade about how the automakers are a pillar of the economy and their collapse could launch us into a second Great Depression, and you get hours of entertainment from telling someone exactly what they don't want to hear.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-01-02 12:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 65 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764984 If Ryanair's Safety Cards Had Captions Wed, 19 Nov 2008 14:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764984 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

 

In case you aren't familiar with Ryanair, they are the world's cheapest airline, and flying on a cramped, non-reclining seat as I did this morning will make you realize why. They cut costs in every aspect of their business, including their safety "cards" (which are actually just printed on the seat back in front of you), which look like they could have been drawn by a mentally challenged kindergartner. Bored while waiting for my flight to take off, I thought of captions that could accompany the ridiculous safety card drawings.

Note: Quality is terrible but it was the best I could find, and this article may be more appropriate for the European crowd (collegehumour.com?), but its the best I've got.


Emergency Oxygen:
1. Become hypnotized by the swinging oxygen mask. 2. Catch it as it launches towards you. 3. Once you have secured it properly, turn it around so that the mask is on the back of your head.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-11-19 14:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 72 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764567 A Guide To Whether Or Not You Should Go To Class Fri, 14 Nov 2008 12:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764567 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> It's Friday morning at 8:45, and you have to make a game-time decision whether or not to roll out of bed and lurch into your 9:00am class or stay in the warmth of your bed for a few more hours. Luckily, you now have this handy guide to help you decide if the benefits of going to class outweigh the costs. Simply add up the points attributed and find your answer!

Section 1: You have a test/quiz in class today and:

a) You have studied for it: 17 points
b) You glanced over the material briefly: 15 points
c) Oh f***! *Put on bullshitting hat*: 11 points
d) Oh wait! That test is next week! Yes!: -2 points

Section 2: You have a paper due and:

a) You spent a lot of time on it and got it done: 17 points
b) If you get up now, you can finish it up and be just a little late for class: 15 points
c) Oh f***! *Put on excuse-generating sweater*: 11 points
d) Meh, I'll do it tonight, the late penalty is only half of a letter grade: -2 points

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-11-14 12:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 41 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1762923 Rejected Crayola Crayon Colors Mon, 06 Oct 2008 10:43:23 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1762923 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 12 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1762790 The Seven Stages of Halloween Thu, 02 Oct 2008 10:24:50 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1762790 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> To prepare for Halloween this year, I decided to put together a rough guide of how people's Halloweens are spent at different times in their lives:

Stage 1: Trick or Treating: Ages 3-13


The most innocent of the Halloween stages, the Trick or Treating stage is an opportunity to dress up like your favorite power ranger, animal, or scary character for a whole day, then come home to a family pumpkin carving festival. After that, kids in the Trick or Treating stage spend the night walking around the neighborhood getting candy from the neighbors. It is a simple time...it is a better time.

 

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-10-02 10:24:50 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 224 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760081 If MLB Games Were Decided By a Fight Between the Teams' Names: Cubs vs. Pirates Sun, 03 Aug 2008 23:05:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760081 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> MLB Commissioner Buld Selig, in an effort to increase ticket sales and boost TV ratings, announced that for one day of the club's choosing, scheduled baseball games would be decided by a cage match between the names of the two opposing teams. The teams were allowed to interpret their names in any way they desired, as long as the umpires approved the choice of representation. The games would last until one of the two opponents was unable to continue or clearly beaten, as determined by the umpires. Here is the radio broadcast from the Cubs/Pirates game if you missed it.

The Cubs

vs.

The Pirates


Pat Hughes: Well here we are on a beautiful day at PNC Park, where a most unusual matchup between the Chicago Cubs and Pittsburgh Pirates is about to take place.

Ron Santo: That's right Pat, and I believe the teams are moving toward the cage right now. Chicago has chosen to be represented by 4 juvenile grizzly bear cubs, and they do not look too happy.

Hughes: You can't be too surprised about that, since Derrek Lee was hitting ground balls at their cage for a couple hours before this game was scheduled to begin. And here comes Pittsburgh's rep, which appears to be Jack Sparrow from the popular movie trilogy "Pirates of the Caribbean".

Santo: You know, I know Johnny Depp takes a lot of roles for the money these days, but you couldn't pay me enough to get into the cage with those 4 bears.

Hughes: I'm not sure Johnny knows quite what is going on, he's taking his time stumbling over to the cage. I think he may be really immersed in his character, who is known as a bit of a drunk.

Santo: I'm sure it took a bit of that Caribbean rum to muster the courage to get in the cage to begin with. Well, both parties are now positioned in their respective corners of the cage, it looks like it's go time!

Hughes: Alright, the umpire has called "play ball", and the PNC capacity crowd of 39,000 are on their feet!

Santo: The cubs seem rather inattentive, but Sparrow is verbally taunting them! You would think the best strategy for the pirate here would be a sort of divide and conquer move, maybe try to take out a bear by himself, then move onto the others.

Hughes: I'm not sure what's going through Sparrow's head right now with the exception of some of that rum he had before the game, but it doesn't look like he's capable of putting together any sort of attack strategy in the state he's in now.

Santo: Sparrow has now thrown an empty rum bottle at the bears and has gotten their attention. One of the cubs is dashing over to him as we speak, and at 30 miles per hour, Sparrow's not going to have a lot of time to react. Ohhhhhhhh and the bear got him! Sparrow has been tackled by the cub and it looks like it might all be over soon!

Hughes: Hold on there Ron, it looks like Johnny has drawn his pistol...Sparrow appears to be insulting the bear's mother and now...ohhhh, Sparrow has shot the cub straight through the head!

Santo: And just listen to that crowd Pat, they are just loving it! Sparrow pushes the dead bear off of him and does a little jig for the crowd, and they are just eating it up!

Hughes: Doesn't look like he'll be happy for long here Ron, because the other cubs don't seem to be taking well to the fact that their brother has just been killed. The three remaining cubs are circling Sparrow menacingly, and it is going to take a miracle for him to take them all out at once.

Santo: Sparrow's in a bit of a predicament now, because I know he only has one shot in that gun, so he is going to have to deal with the rest with his sword alone. This is not going to be easy.

Hughes: Well if this is the same Jack Sparrow I saw escape from...oh and the bear has his arm! One of the cubs lunged, and with Sparrow's reaction time considerably slowed by his pre-game alcohol intake, there was nothing he could do.

Santo: Well the good news for Sparrow is that it wasn't his dominant arm, so he can still wield a weapon with considerable control over it, but I think the heavy blood loss will start to detract from his fighting ability soon.

Hughes: We will take this opportunity to mention one of our sponsors for the day, Band-Aid Brand adhesive bandages; "Heals the wound fast, heals the hurt faster".

Santo: I think Sparrow's going to need more than a Band-Aid Brand adhesive bandage, as the brachial artery in his left arm is spurting out blood like a broken fire hydrant. If Sparrow's going to make a move, he's gonna have to make it now.

Hughes: And here he goes! Sparrow takes a hack at one of the cubs who was seemingly blinded by the shower of blood, and the cub collapses in a heap! Sparrow runs over to another cub, who is still gnawing on his detached limb, and just drives the sword straight into the bear's back!

Santo: Holy cow! Have you ever heard a shriek like that come out of a bear?

Hughes: Not since I visited your mother's house last week Ron. Sparrow has rolled into one corner of the cage, and it is now just him and the last cub left standing in this most unusual baseball game, but you have to remember that this will actually affect the standings in the NL Central, as Bud Selig has declared this an actual game.

Santo: I haven't heard a crowd cheer this loud for any baseball game I have in memory, that's for sure. And the bear is lunging! Sparrow attempts to sidestep it, but the cub is too quick and he has Sparrow on the floor again!

Hughes: Sparrow is grappling with the cub, but with only one arm, it looks like he's got his hand full! The bear has pinned Sparrow's arm and now takes a big bite out of Sparrow's neck and is just beating the life out of him! The umpires are calling the game! It's all over!

Santo: Cubs Win! Cubs Win!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 4 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759754 The First Annual American Beer Conference Mon, 28 Jul 2008 18:32:21 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759754 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Budweiser: Alright, it seems that most of us are here, so lets get started. I'm glad all of you could make it out tonight to this American Beer Conference, and I think that by sharing ideas and strategies with each other can benefit all of our respective businesses. Our first order of business is to discuss sales patterns and demographic trends within...

Icehouse: (bursts through the door and interrupts, clearly drunk) Heeeeeeey bitches! What's goin' on?

Budweiser: Icehouse, please just sit down, I wish you would try harder to be on time to these kinds of things.

Icehouse: What are you talkin' about, Bud man? I was right on time for your barbeque last week!

Keystone Light: Budweiser! You had a barbeque last week and didn't invite me?

Miller Lite: That's because nobody likes you, Keystone.

MGD: Lite! I let you tag along to this thing, so you better mind your manners!

Miller Lite: Sorry, dad.

Keystone Light: Oh look, Lite is sucking up to his dad again, what a surprise!

Miller Lite: Shut your mouth, rat piss!

Keystone Light: I think someone's a little upset that they will never be as full-bodied or tasteful as their father!

Miller Lite: At least my father's still around!

Budweiser: GENTLEMEN! Please, stop fighting. We are all here to work together, not argue amongst ourselves. Now onto the...what's that noise?

MGD: I don't know, but brrrrrrr, it just got really cold in here.

(The sound of a train whistle gets louder and louder. Suddenly the Coors Silver Bullet train blasts through the wall of the convention center and Coors hops off.)

Coors: Howdy! How y'all doin' tonight?

Budweiser: COORS! For the last time, you cannot ride that train to the exact spot you want to go all the time! The train station is only 3 blocks away for God's sake!

Coors: Sorry about that Bud, I sensed that some people in here were hot and parched, so I thought it'd be best to ride the bullet on through.

Budweiser: Well if we were outdoors it'd be one thing, but we are renting space from a hotel, and I'm going to be responsible for what looks to be a couple thousand dollars worth of damages!

Icehouse: (under his breath) I'm sure that'll really hurt, Mr. 16 billion dollars in sales.

Coors: That's my bad Bud; I'll help you out with those expenses.

Keystone Light: Ha! What are you gonna do, rent out the spare bedroom in your trailer?

Coors: Oh for cryin' out loud, who invited Keystone?

Miller Lite: I bet he was browsing events on Facebook and invited himself!

Keystone Light: Shut your tab, Lite! Hey Coors, why don't you go watch some NASCAR, white trash!

Budweiser: God you're an asshole Keystone.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 8 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759714 Things That Would Have Terrible Opposites Sun, 27 Jul 2008 21:12:07 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759714 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> I was painfully sipping a "Milwaukee's Best" one night when I thought, "If this is Milwaukee's Best, what would "Milwaukee's Worst" be like?" As the normal thought process of a drinking night resumed, I found that many of the things I thought of during the course of the night would have awful opposites. Here are the ones I remember:



Milwaukee's Best ---> Milwaukee's Worst: Jesus, if this is the best beer Milwaukee has to offer, I can't even imagine what "Milwaukee's Worst" would taste like. Probably something like liquified garbage. On fire.


Boy Meets World ---> Girl Meets World: It took Cory Matthews 7 seasons to meet the world, and it was awesome, a few laughs along the way, a couple of romantic flings, and a helpful neighbor in Mr. Feeny. Girl Meets World would be the kind of oxymoronic travesty that would make viewers just sick to their stomachs, over the 39 season run time.


Strippers ---> Dressers: I'm sure there are many talented women out there that can make the act of putting on clothes very sexy, but I'm not sure they would be able to make a living out of it. Sure, the very small group of people with the fetish of seeing people put clothes on would be satisfied, but i dont think dressers would be popular for the most part. "Dress Club" sounds like some sort of old person club where they show off their old dresses, so the people with that fetish would be confused as well.


Happy Endings ---> Angry Endings: I know many gentleman readers love nothing more than to go down to their favorite Chinatown massage parlor and get the muscles loose, with a tug and a kiss as a sendoff. My legs cross thinking of an angry ending, and picturing deranged Chinese massagers keeping closets full of souvenirs from once-happy clients.


Chicken Tenders ---> Chicken Gristlers: During a night of drinking, chicken tenders are certainly on the top 10 list of desired foods. Can you imagine walking to get food, waiting in line, getting all settled in, and then biting into a chewy, rubbery, tough hunk of fried chicken? Disappointment really doesn't capture the feeling, I think it would be more like screaming "Oh, the humanity!"



(sleep)




The Wall Street Journal ---> The Wall Street Diary: "OMG! You will never guess what happened today! This, like big bank called WaMu (after the whale) said they lost, like, a ton of money! I don't know why, those commericals with the old guys are so adorable! Except for the one when they are all naked. That was gross."
-Jessica Simpson, Wall St. Staff Reporter

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759475 If ER Was a Sitcom Wed, 23 Jul 2008 11:38:52 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759475 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Since the popular television series "ER" is going into its 15th season, odds are the writers are running out of dramatic material to put on the show. To keep the audience interested for one more season, they may need to change their routine and give the drama a comedic twist.





(Three doctors and a nurse wheel in a patient and put him on the operating table.)

Nurse Samantha Taggart: Doctor, we need to act fast! The patient is Timothy Benson, and he apparently was shot in the head with a nailgun by a construction worker, who claims Benson was trying to attack him with a shovel while naked on several occasions. The thing is, he survived, but the nail is still in his head!

Dr. Tony Gates: Sounds like he may have a few screws loose in there as well! (laughtrack)

Dr. Abby Lockhart: (looking at a monitor) It appears the nail pierced the right hemisphere of his brain and entered the brain stem. The patient has lost all motor function in the left side of his body.

Dr. Archie Morris: That's odd, he doesn't look all right to me! (laughtrack)

(The patient wakes up.)

Timothy Benson: Where am I? What's going on?

Taggart: This is incredible! Dr. Gates, the patient is conscious!

Gates: Young man, you are in a hospital. It looks like we are going to have to perform a partial brain transplant if you are to live. Based on the report, though, we may want to just replace the whole thing! (laughtrack)

Benson: I don't want to live! Just let me die!

Morris: We cannot do that, we have a duty to preserve human life, no matter how much the world would be better off without you. (laughtrack) Nurse, prepare the transplant and the blood transfusion.

Taggart: What's his blood type?

Morris: (nudging Gates in the side) Something tells me it's B-negative! (laughtrack)

Taggart: Transfusion ready! Abby, apply the anesthetic!

Lockhart: Alright Timothy, just breathe in, pretend you are huffing some of that stuff you did earlier. (laughtrack)

Benson: I don't wan...I don't...I...

Gates: Jeez, he put up less of a fight against being knocked out than my ex-wiife! (The cast shares a laugh, also laughtrack.)

Taggart: Doctor, everything is prepared for the surgery. Make the incision when you are ready, but remember, it must be very precise.

Morris: Ah, I've done this procedure a million times; I guess you could call it a no-brainer! (laughtrack)

Lockhart: The transplant is ready, Dr. Gates.

Gates: Alright everyone, stand back. (He successfully performs the surgery.)

Taggart: Excellent work Dr. Gates! I wish I had a pair of fingers like that around the house! (Camera zooms in on her looking at a picture of her husband on the desk and sighing. Laughtrack)

(The patient wakes up.)

Benson: Wow, I feel great! I guess I could give life another go!

Gates: That's the right attitude. Looks like we really...changed your mind! (laughtrack)

Benson: (looking at the camera and shrugging) I guess laughter really is the best medicine!

(The camera fades out as the cast has a good laugh.)

View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759419 Honest Weekend Fast Food Advertisements Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:35:18 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759419 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> If fast food chains advertised honestly on weekend nights at colleges, this is what the commercials would sound like:

Arby's

Do you have no respect at all for your body? Tired of paying a dollar for some worthless double cheeseburger? I bet you're thinking Arby's! Since our meat arrives at out restaurants in gelatinous form, we can assure you that the time you wait for your meal is a carefully designed hardening process that is similar to the cooking of a fresh roast beef sandwich! Do we normally tell you this information? No! But we figure that if you are even considering going to Arby's in the first place, you won't give a shit about how our sandwiches are made, at least until tomorrow morning in the bathroom!

McDonalds

Drunk? Don't know where the fuck you are? Well, we know there's one symbol you can recognize even in your current state; that's right, the Golden Arches! If you are looking to fill your beer-stretched stomach after a night of shameless drinking, McDonalds is the restaurant for you! We put so little thought or effort into the production or preparation of our product, but you won't even notice because you are so fucked out of your mind! In addition, we will be giving out free rides on our prestigious Ronald McDonald statue, who comes to life on Saturdays, and we encourage all customers to partake!

Burger King

Drunk? No McDonalds in sight? Get the fuck over to Burger King! The King will deliver any food you desire, and maybe a little something extra ;).God those bastards at McDonalds are real pricks, aren't they? Trying to run the little guy out of business! I'll tell you what; let's just take down the man, you know? McDonalds is just so corporate, they're just using the people, man. Don't support the fat cats of this nation, bro, go to Burger King. Oh, and Chicken Nuggets don't have fuckin' shit on our Chicken Tenders! Ronald McDonald likes touching children!

White Castle

Don't have any plans between 9:00 A.M and 3:00 P.M tomorrow? Why don't you stop on in and have a few slyders? Our buns and burgers are softer and more manageable than any other fast food chain, that is, in terms of eating them! But I'll tell you, you better have an open schedule in the morning and afternoon tomorrow, because our burgers are going to come out as fast as they went in! We just try to get you on your way here at White Castle, and if that means pumping the burgers full of laxatives so you can clear your barrel in one shot, so be it. Just make sure you have the safety on overnight!

Taco Bell

Curious about why your dog gets so excited over every meal? Why don't you come on in to Taco Bell? We can show you why eating low grade meat can be so exciting, time after time! We've paid homeless Hispanics for years to come up with new taco ideas, but don't fret; Taco Bell has retained the same standard that got several restaurants shut down in the 90s in restaurants nationwide! But who the fuck cares? Chalupas! Chalupas!

Subway

Hey, couldn't find a party tonight? That's alright, pussy, we can give you something that will keep you completely healthy, since you have no friends and all! Why don't you join Jared and have no life for 10 years and try to slim down so you have some attempt at finding a wife! But you will have to have a sandwich with no toppings or sauces for it to be healthy! We actually have a bin around back with day old bread, so why don't you just scrounge through that, fatty! You can even pretend those leftover twelve inch loaves are your friends, loser!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759286 Things That Are Better Than Jesus Fri, 18 Jul 2008 18:27:53 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759286 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> While Jesus was and is still well known for his time on Earth 2,000 years ago, in a modern context there are many items that accomplish the same things he did, and then some. For example:



Jesus
Cell Phones


View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 2 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759284 An Affair With a Woman That Only Talks In Rolling Stones Song Titles Fri, 18 Jul 2008 17:08:07 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759284 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> (On the phone)

Me: Hey Angie, how's it going?

Angie: Sad, Sad, Sad.

Me: Oh no, trouble with the husband again?

Angie: 19th Nervous Breakdown. Always Suffering.

Me: Wow. I can't believe you two are still married.

Angie: That's How Strong My Love Is.

Me: Well, is there anything I can do to help?

Angie: I Just Want To Make Love To You.

Me: Are you serious?

Angie: This Place is Empty.

Me: But doesn't your husband come home from work in a few hours?

Angie: It Won't Take Long. A Quick One While He's Away.

Me: Well, I guess if your husband isn't giving you the attention you deserve...

Angie: Everybody Needs Somebody to Love. Ain't Too Proud To Beg.

Me: Well, alright. What's your address again?

Angie: 2120 South Michigan Avenue.

Me: What's the best way to get there from my house?

Angie: Take the "A" Train.

Me: Got it. I'll see you in about half an hour.

Angie: I Am Waiting. Can't Be Seen.

Me: Alright, I'll be careful


(At the apartment)

Angie: Look What The Cat Dragged In.

Me: Haha, very funny. So...what are we gonna start with?

Angie: Champagne and Reefer.

Me: Sweet! Get it started!

Angie: Rip This Joint.

Me: Nice, that's some good stuff.

Angie: Don't Stop.

Me: Alright, I'll hit it again.

Angie: Flip the Switch.

Me: Alright, lights out.

Angie: On With the Show.

Me: Alright, let's do it.

Angie: Hold on to Your Hat.

Me: Ah, a wild one are you? I'll let you get on top.

Angie: Rock Me Baby, Down in the Hole. Suck on the Jugular.

Me: Whoa, that's kinky. Whatever gets you off...whoa, think I broke the skin there.

Angie: Let It Bleed.

Me: Man you are wild!

Angie: Oh Baby (We Got A Good Thing Goin')

Me: Yeah we do! Keep it up!

Angie: I've Been Loving You Too Long.

Me: Ok, I'll finish up.

Angie: Might as Well Get Juiced.

Me: Alright, if you want it.

Angie: Ain't That A Lot of Love.

Me: Yeeeeah it is.

Angie: It's All Over Now. Congratulations.

Me: Sorry about that.

(suddenly there is a knock on the door from her husband, Mick)

Mick: Can't You Hear Me Knocking?

Me: Oh shit! It's your husband! What should I do?

Angie: Think.

Me: I...I...

Angie: (to me) Out of Time. Get Up, Stand Up, You Gotta Move. Please Go Home.

Me: I can't now, your husband's at the door! Go answer it; I'll hide in the closet!

(Angie answers the door)

Angie: Oh No, Not You Again.

Mick: Who's Been Sleeping Here?

Angie: Angie

Mick: Lies.

(The closet door collapses and I fall onto the floor in front of them)

Me: Mick, I can explain!

Mick: Anyway You Look At It...

Me: I'm sorry, don't hurt Angie, I'll leave and never come back!

Angie: Let Me Go.

Mick: Had It With You. Tie You Up, Bitch. Back of My Hand. (he slaps her) Stop Breaking Down. No Use in Crying.

(A neighbor hears the commotion and walks in.)

Neighbor: What's going on here?

Angie: Now I've Got a Witness.

Mick: What a Shame.

Angie: Biggest Mistake. Mixed Emotions. Empty Heart. I Go Wild. How Can I Stop?

Mick: Pain in My Heart. One More Try? Sweethearts Together?

Angie: Honest I Do. I Wanna Hold You.

(Mick and Angie start making love on the spot.)

Tommy: This is fucked up! Get me outta here! (I run out.)


Credit is given to Matt Gorman for his original article:
http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759016

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759048 Less Common Baseball Sex Terms Mon, 14 Jul 2008 22:21:37 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759048 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Sunday Baseball: An Afternoon Delight
We all know of the standard second base, third base, etc. when describing different kinds of sexual endeavors, but there are many other baseball terms that are used more rarely to describe these kinds of acts. For instance:

Sacrifice Fly: A term describing the act of "taking one for the team". You sacrifice your dignity and get with a below average friend of a girl so that he can score.

First Base Coach: This represents your wingman. Once you get to first, he advises you to either make your way to second or stop at first if he knows you won't make it.

Check Your Swing: This symbolizes being about to get with a girl, but then at the last moment decide that it's not a good idea, and that you'll try your chances when a better girl/pitch comes along.

Fielder's Choice: This term comes into play when 2 guys are both trying to get with the same girl, and you know that she is going to throw one of them out and one is going to reach base.

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-07-14 22:21:37 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 300 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1752622 High School English Teacher Grades an e. e. cummings Poem Mon, 07 Apr 2008 13:03:44 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1752622 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 6 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751188 The Procrastinometer Thu, 13 Mar 2008 00:40:36 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751188 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> This simple guide will help you determine how much you are falling short of living life to the fullest. Enjoy!

The Procrastinometer

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040"><img src="http://1.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/c/3/collegehumor.91e0acec2f6fc184dcac808329183544.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1328040">Tommy</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:205"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 3 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />