Late last month, President Obama gave a statement concerning the vulnerability of the United States' internet security. In addition, President Obama spoke about creating a new department functioning within the Pentagon that focuses on our cyberspace defense. This department has been very efficient at their job, apprehending 12 of the largest threats to America's virtual space in their first month. Unfortunately, the news is not all good. A source (who has asked to remain unidentified) released the government manual of the torture methods that the department put these computer savvy detainees through. I warn you, the following material is inappropriate for children.

Me: Alright doc, how's she looking?

Doctor: Your grandmother is good as new. We just had to do a little more work than we'd originally planned on.

Me: Whoa, hold on. How much extra work?

Doctor: Well, we suspect she may have had a kidney stone, so we just went ahead and got rid of one em'. Then we did the same thing with the appendix and put in a pace-maker for good measure.

Me: What!? She came in here with a little cough! Couldn't you have just given her some antibiotics?

Doctor: We had to do some extra work, it couldn't be avoided.

Me: How much more is this going to cost me?

Doctor: About $100,000.

Me: $100k!? There's no way my insurance will cover this!

Yesterday, Google introduced their new Android cell phone platform, which is expected to bring big competition to the iPhone, but people are already starting to notice a few glitches with the new phone's features.

Specifically the Did-You-Mean feature:

Marine 1: Did you hear the announcement? We're being reassigned.

Marine 2: What? That's great news! Maybe now we'll finally see some action!

Marine 1: We're being reassigned... to Master Chief's unit.

Marine 2: Oh. Oh, no.

Marine 1: I know.

Marine 2: Are... are we being punished? Did we do something wrong?

Marine 1: Sarge told me it was an honor. An honor.

Marine 2: That bastard.

Marine 3 enters

Marine 3: Hey guys, did you hear the news? We're going to be in the 254th Spartan Support Unit! We get to meet Master Chief! Holy cow, I gotta go call my mom!

Marine 1: He doesn't know.

Computer:Monitor, display this document, ok?

Monitor: No prob, boss.

Computer: OK, now it looks like Mouse is moving around so, Monitor, will you move the pointer icon accordingly?

Monitor: Anything you ask, boss.

Computer: Great, great. OK, Mouse, where are you going now?

Mouse: Over to the icon panel, sir.

Computer: Hmm, Let me know if he clicks anything, OK?

Mouse: Of course.

Keyboard: Sir, he's pressed control and P simultaneously.

Monitor: Oh God, here we go.

Computer: *sighs* Printer, are you there?

Printer: No.

Computer: Please, Printer. I know you're there.

Printer: NO! I'm not here! Leave me alone!

Computer: Jesus. OK look, you really ne...

Mouse: Sir, he's clicked on the printer icon.

Computer: Printer, now you have to print it twice.

Printer: NO! NO! NO! I don't want to! I hate you! I hate printing! I'm turning off!

It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to RoommateConfessions@GMail.com.

One of our friends is friends with this girl who has a pretty noticeable mustache. We always try to drop hints to her about waxing or how we hate girls that have upper lip hair. Well one night she got really drunk and passed out on the couch. We poked her a couple of times to make sure she was really out. Then we got shaving cream and lathered her up and shaved her upper lip, she looked a million times better the next day.
Eric, East Carolina


During my sophomore year I roomed with a friend which turned out to be a huge mistake. She was a total slob, left half eaten bags of chips and dirty dishes everywhere, played awful show tunes on her computer when I was trying to sleep and didn't really like to shower. Plus, she and her gross boyfriend never left the room and would just spend hours playing Legend of Zelda and watching Seinfeld. Since she was completely lazy her grades kind of sucked. So, after one afternoon of having to listen to her goddamn Hairspray soundtrack for the millionth time, I logged into her student account (she told me her password once, because she's an idiot) and had a copy of her grades sent to her parents. She always told her parents she got good grades, but after they saw her real ones, they canceled her credit card until she brought them up. She never figured out how they got them and she still hasn't gotten her daddy's credit card back.
Emily, School Not Given