Jesse Gold's Articles

• Explorers in certain parts of the Amazon have to wear condoms if they are in the water because of a fish called the candirú. This fish is able – and willing in most cases – to swim into the human urethra as it is similar to the gills of the fish it usually attaches itself to. The candirú will then extend its needle-like spine and begin to feed off the blood of the host until it is removed... by surgery!

• In parts of India, live insects are often used as medicine. If you suffer from urine retention, a healer will gladly insert a Cimex lectularius – or bed bug – into your urethra, where it will siphon blood until the affliction is gone... and probably beyond that too!

• In secluded regions of the American northwest and Canada there lives a majestic bird with an curiously specialized beak. The brown-spotted peckerpecker has evolved the ability search for grubs inside the human urethra, where of course there are none, as some unfortunate loggers have found out. The peckerpecker was once endangered because of its foolish habits... but as of 2005 they number in the thousands!

• A deviously industrious species of crab is the Baja dick crab, named for its prevalence in the Baja region of California. The dick crab will spend weeks establishing a territory, but also expertly fashioning small hook-like objects out of calcium deposits and seaweed. Marine biologists were stupefied by this behavior until a hapless surfer wandered into dick crab country. An encroached-upon crab sprang into action and stealthily attached a hook to the victim's urethra, and then scuttled back down to fasten the rope-like fibers of the other end to a nearby stone. Seconds later there was a powerful scream and the beach bum was down. Further studies have shown that the dick crab does this in order to harvest puka beads from human necklaces... or because it's a dick.
  
  
  

• The Amorist squid, named for the late Dr. Amorist who discovered it, is truly the master of camouflage. On moonlit nights during the Amorist's mating season, which happens to be from February until August, the squid beaches itself on land near the seaports and dockyards of America and Europe's cities. Then, by positioning its tentacles just so, the Amorist can perfectly mimic the image of a high-class prostitute who's had a long night and is willing to give a suckjob for just ten dollars (eight Euro) if anyone's interested. Once a victim is ensnared, the Amorist wastes no time in filling the poor soul's urethra beyond capacity with eggs. Months later, young Amorists explode from the corpse's rotting kidneys... and are put on welfare.

Read the article that inspired this one! Neat!

An old banana back in '98
It turned ripe one morning
And went bad the next day
It's a black fly in your banana daiquiri
It's a junior banana split
When you've already had three
Isn't it bananas... don't you think?

It's like monkeys
On Banana Day
It's when the yellow kind
Tastes like lemon, okay
It's when you're burned alive
Making Bananas Flambé
You add way too much rum... Two jiggers!

Mr. Play-It-Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase
And kissed his kids good-bye
He waited his whole damn life
To take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Gee, I'd really like a banana..."
And isn't it bananas... don't you think?

• Say “in bed!” after you read your fortune. Giggle desperately at how the new phrase may or may not comment on your sexual prowess.

• Say “monkey secretary!” after you read your fortune. Giggle desperately at the novelty of a monkey attempting to use a phone.

• Sneak your fortune into your neighbor’s wonton soup. Say, “Hey, you got a fortune wonton soup!” Sheepishly pay for new soup and avoid eye contact.

• Challenge your date to remove the fortune from the cookie without breaking it using only their tongue. If they accomplish this, propose marriage.

• If the fortune isn’t about the future, or even necessarily about you, complain bitterly about this. When you eat the cookie, redouble your disgust at the poor quality of the dessert. When the last scrap of good will drains from your party, you win.

• If the text of the fortune contains the letter “L,” pronounce it as “R.” Next, squint your eyes and protrude your front teeth. Walk over to a nearby table and peepee in someone’s Coke. Why not attempt some kung fu? The proprietors of the restaurant will find this charming, as it is their custom.

• Run over the proprietor of the restaurant with a tank, as it is their custom.

• If the fortune is the variety that contains “Lucky Numbers,” drag your family to the nearest casino and play Keno until dawn.

• Read the fortune as “You will expose yourself before a crowd in the near future.” Swallow the paper and disrobe slowly while screaming, “It’s fate! FATE!”

• Skip the cookie and sit silently under the black cloud of China’s rapid development into a formidable world power.

• Yoraffim

• Zub

• Quaatir

• Zoenipp

• Ædamric

• Økee-doke

• ™othy

• $uperdamn

• 3van

• %ina

Am I wasting my time at film school? No. Don’t ask me that. Send more money. Wait, you’re not my parents... Ah yes, I can see that you are someone who is a kindred spirit, someone who would appreciate my vision. For you see I have planned out—in my head, I have conceived the greatest film ever. Ever. Ever ever? Ever ever.

Tarantino will direct... No wait, actually—yeah no, there will be a series of directors — Raimi, Nolan... er, Hitchcock — and Tarantino will be a special guest director. OK, no he won’t, but he will see it and write a very nice article about it... How ‘bout he’ll see some dailies and make an ambivalent noise like “mrrm?” Anyway, it’ll come with his seal of approval, you’ll see. We’ll put that on the DVD cover. Blu-Ray.

Who is the star? Um. People. Loads of them. Yeah, there will be so many names in it, that, like, there’s no discerning who the star is. The only way to determine it will be based on screen time so that makes the star... let’s see... like, Oprah Winfrey as Herself / Queen Morphea I think. It’ll be awesome. Oh yeah, Sean Connery’s in it too. Yeah, he said he retired, didn’t he? Well, guess what? James Brown’s in it too. He’s dead! Also Bogie. Yep. Necromanced. For me.

Plot? Crap. Uhhhhh... well, that’s a bit in the air right now. Like pizza dough. You like pizza, right? Sure, everybody loves pizza! See, we’re friends again—don’t go! OK, I have some elements to the plot ready. Check this bad larry out:

Lesbians.
First scene. Bang. Dykes. Hotter than that Tanya Chalkin poster. Hotter than the goddamn sun. There’s a blond one and a black one. Stylistic, right? Like ying and yang and shit. Also they’re on so much X, that it’s the only way to tell them apart, what with all the limbs and sex flying around in the air. Did I mention that?  Yeah, it’s skydiving lezzes. Four tits. Four thousand feet. Forget about it.

Chase Scene.
My movie’s gonna make Bullitt look like My Little Pony with this chase scene. Believe it. It’s gonna just get bigger and badder and ballser. It’s starts—get this—it starts with them just thinking at each other, real fast-like. And then they run. NO! Speedwalk, with like the flitty arms and everything. And, right, so anyway they end up in jets. Jets. NO! One is in a ultrasonic jet that’s painted hot pink (from the Gay Air Force), the other is riding Santa’s sleigh, backwards down the LA freeway, drawn by eleven white tigers all hopped up on meth. Super Meth from, like, Jupiter. Right. And there’s this third guy and he’s a ghost and just running in and out of people and things and at one point he’s a building just running. Sweet Jesus, this is gonna be so clutch.

Swearing.
Over the top! Gonna make Sam Jackson blush and Hilary Clinton’s vagina explode! Pow! So much swearing! Oh my god! There’s gonna be just, like, extras walking down the street with, like, “CUNT” on their hats. Babies even. The guy’s gonna say stuff like “Shit, I fucking love goddamn you, eagletits!” and she’ll be like, “Christ on a cunt! Me too, bitch!” And we’re even gonna make up new swears for this bitch! Ever hear the word “draccane?” Well, after this movie, you’ll never hear it again. Even on satellite radio. Damn.

Melancholy.
Man oh man, there’s gonna be so much sad shit that, like, emo twelve-year-old girls are gonna watch this movie and come out and grow up to be, like, senators and stuff. Like, there’s this brooding guy and he wears like half-ass clown makeup like The Crow, and his clothes are all this ripped-up black shit like Scissorhands, and he has this boss trenchcoat like Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman. He’s gonna be on backpacks forever. I think his name’s gonna be like Darrrrk or something. Anyway he’s got all this crazy inner turmoil and a back story that’s, like, totally Watchmen-worthy. Also — spoiler alert — at the end he slits his wrists... with his own tears.

Merch.
Considering we’re gonna make, like, the GNP of France on this thing, we really don’t have to make toys and crap, but yeah we will. Gonna be hats, shirts, jeans, belts—did I say belts? I mean, we’re gonna bring back the codpiece! Big as hell, with, like, tiny words on it so people will have to get all close to your junk to read it. Awesome. And this is gonna be the first movie to have it's own line of speedboats. It's OK, we're gonna have to blow up like a thousand of them for the movie itself, so we'll just keep the factory. Also there’s gonna be action figures and maquettes and sex dolls for all of—ALL OF—the primary, secondary, and tertiary characters. Tetratiary and quinciary characters only get maquettes and tee shirts.

OK, so this movie is called... right, I can’t pronounce it because the whole thing is in this new language we’re producing based on Esperanto. But it’s pretty badass. No, that’s what it’s called: pretty badass. Lowercase! Like some e. e. cummings shit! Also, I need seven point four trillion dollars.

You ran away. Damn it.

And I didn’t even tell you about the soundtrack which includes new music by The Beatles and