God nervously paces back and forth in front of Adam and Eve.

God: We need to talk. You've both have been alive for a full three weeks now, and you may have started to notice certain, um, urges when you're around each other.

The two stare blankly.

God: Let me start over. You know the birds and the bees?

Adam: I named them both. So?

God: You're right, that metaphor doesn't help or even make sense. To try another tack - there are only two of you. What if we wanted more?

Adam: I guess you could take another of my ribs, but that really hurt and now I whistle when I breathe.

God: Right! Well, if you love each other very much and decide to spend the rest of your lives with each other-

Eve: As opposed to whom?

God: Here, the angels gave me these diagrams. Maybe they help?

One day, as horrifying as it may seem, you will have to leave college. No more waking up at 3:29 in the afternoon and then rushing out to show up late and still drunk to your 3:30 class. It's time to make something of yourself. What will YOU become when you leave that beer-soaked wonderland and enter that beer-soaked real world?

The Soul-Crushing Cubicle Dweller: I sure do love the mind-numbing monotony of typing things into Excel all day long in my gray cubicle! It's great, because I can pretend to be John Locke working at a box company, and then hopefully I'll get in a plane crash too! That way, I can either die or live on a deserted island. Either option is better than this.

Woman: Help! Someone stole my purse.
Captain Power: Fear not, citizen! For I am Captain Pow-
Girlfriend: Oh my GOD! You DID NOT just hit on someone in front of me!
CP: Chill babe...I'm just doing my job.
GF: Why do you want to help her anyway? Do you think she's pretty?
CP: No, of course not.
GF: Yeah, REAL convincing.
CP: Come on, don't be mad. Please, babe?
GF: You always do this, Joe. You KNOW I've been totally stressing out about not having an outfit for Saturday.
W: He's getting away!
GF: *cough* SLUT *cough*
W: Please! Help me!
CP: He's almost out of sight. But if I use my super speed I ca-
GF: *sigh*
CP: What's that about?
GF: Nothing.
CP: Are you pissed? You look like you're pissed.
GF: I'm fine.

June 26th 2008

What a glorious morning! This earth was made for battle, not only because of its perfectly symmetrical black and white squares! Ah, to be the unit directly in front of the King himself! Oh, mother would be so proud!

June 27th 2008

The battle commenced today, and guess who was the first unit off? You guessed it! Mother would be so proud of my two square hop, why, I could rival the knight himself! I wonder how the enemy will react to such a bold move?

June 28th 2008

So, this enemy isn't to be underestimated! They discovered one of my weak spots. As we speak a rival pawn is standing right in front of me, glaring down at me as I write. So I'm stuck here until the bastard moves, or is killed.

Aging Rock Star:

(The Freshman Virgin is hooking up with a guy in her dorm room. He takes off his pants and pushes her head down.)

FV: Oh! Okay, so listen, I don't know if I made myself clear at dinner and I'm sure you're a super guy, but..."can't put in the thing without that special ring." Sorry.

GUY: Yeah, yeah, whatever, it's cool. Blow me then.

FV: Oh! Um...okay.

GUY: Ow! What the f*ck?! Stop! Ow! F*ck, that hurts. What the f*ck is your problem.?!

FV: Nothing, God. Do you want a blowjob or not?

GUY: No, not from you, you freak! (He puts on his pants and hobbles out)


Four Years Prior

Two Hours Prior

(The Freshman Virgin is studying with a guy in his basement)

FV: Okay, so in the Krebs Cyle two carbons are-
(he leans in and starts kissing her, shoving his hands up her skirt )
Oh! Okay...ow, ow, oooo, ow, ow, ugh, yeah, ow, yeah, yeah.

Two Years Prior

(The Freshman Virgin is eating in her middle school cafeteria with her friend Beth)

BETH: Okay, so don't freak out, but Brendan just gave me a blow job in the boys bathroom!

FV: Oh my God, did you use a condom?

BETH: No, do you think I should have?

FV: I don't know. Probably.

BETH: Whatever.

FV: So, wait, Brendan gave you a blow job?!

BETH: Yeah it was fun, but it kinda hurt.

FV: It hurt, what do you mean it hurt?! What did he do exactly. Tell me everything.

BETH: Okay, well he stuck is whole hand down my jeans and into my underwear and then he, like, poked really hard at my vagina with his fingers for, like, a really long time.

FV: Oh my God, that's disgusting!

BETH: Yeah.

FV: Wow, so that's a blow job.

BETH: Yeah.

Remember a while ago when we hired a new illustrator and he worked on a few pet projects for us?Well, we got a new one and he was cool enough to do some work on this awesome comic strip Jake and I have been brainstorming for a while. Enjoy.

Oh, and Pat whined until he got his own panel in this one as well.