So you think your undergrad-assigned roommate may be a Mossad agent? Here are a few tips to help you decide:

1. She knew your blood type before you ever even met.

2. Her "cool party gag" is disassembling your laptop in less than 25 seconds.

3. She fashions an Uzi out of the heap of disassembled laptop parts.

4. She does that trick where she ties a cherry-stem into a knot using only her tongue. Except when she does it, the stem becomes an Uzi.

5. A week into your first semester, the school's German-studies program is suspended after it's uncovered that half the professors are Nazi war-criminals. *Bonus points if...after hearing about this you confront her in your dorm room and she looks at you with that "I have no idea what your talking about" face.

6. An annoying drunk dude hits on her at a party and she paralyzes him using only three pimento olives.

7. She uses the olives to assemble an Uzi.

8. Her cell rings at 4 am on consecutive nights. You ask who it is. She replies, "oh, it's just that asshole Michael Chertoff again."

9. She has perfect 20/20 vision and can detect small mammal movement at 50 yards. Blindfolded.

10. She read this article. Before I wrote it.

Final exam instructions administered by regular proctor:

"Good afternoon students. Today you will be taking your final examination for Introduction to British Literature. Please remember that this is a closed book exam. Students may under no circumstances have notes, books, or other study aids open in the exam area. Please leave all backpacks, purses, book-bags, and satchels at the front of the room. Ok, my husband Ralph has passed out all of the test booklets. If you see me or Ralph walking through the rows, please push your chair in so we can avoid disturbing you. You have three hours for this examination. You may begin now."

Final exam instructions administered by my grandfather:

"Ugh. Ahem. *smoker's hack* Ugh. Good morning students. Ugh. You're gonna take an test of some sort now. Ok let me see now...ugh...British Literature? Man that sounds like a fruitcake type a' boondoggle. Ok. Ugh. *hack* You may not use any notes or anythin' a' that sort. Everyone have the'er backpacks at the front? Well WHY NOT?! Now I've already given each a' ya your test booklets. And if you see my whore wife walking towards yer desk, stick your chair out, maybe she'll break her hip."

Final exam instructions administered by a frat guy:

"Ok, huhuhuhuh God this is awesome I'm so HIGH! Uuugggghhhh *moronic laughter* So like, uggghhh. You're gonna have to take prof. Williamson's British Lit test now. Man that sucks sorry yo's. But uh, ok, let me just do a keg-stand real quick and then I'll pass out the test booklets.

Final exam instructions administered on Jupiter:

"Hello students. I'm astronaut Steve O'Donnell and I'm the director of NASA's ˜Head Start for College' program. I am pleased to announce that you, the fortunate students of professor Tom Williamson's British Literature class, have been selected to take the first final exam administered on the planet Jupiter. Now, I must warn you that Jupiter's gravitational pull is over a billion billion times stronger than that of the Earth's, so as soon as I open this space-hatch, it's exceedingly likely that your bodies will instantly collapse upon themselves. Remember that you only have three hours to finish this exam. Good luck!"

Final exam instructions administered by Helen Keller:

"..."