Articles by Randy on CollegeHumor

Memo to Cobra Command Employees

by Randy March 27, 2008

Cobra Command HQ

Cobra Island

11/17/07

To: Cobra Command Employees

From: Destro

Subject: Internet Use during Work Hours

As per our Illustrious leader's orders, all internet access will be locked down indefinitely while more stringent security and monitoring software is installed. I just want to take this opportunity to reiterate that your work computers are to be used for just that: work. Lately, there has been an unacceptable rise in the amount of productivity lost due to time wasted on frivolous emails and inappropriate "web surfing." Because of this, it has become apparent that limitations must be placed on internet access. As such the following sites will now be restricted on all computers at Cobra Command:

YoJoe.com

KnowingIsHalfTheBattle.gov

GIjoe.com

GIblow.com

JoeBlows.com

GIjoeSucks.com

Wikipedia.org

Remember that when you misuse the company computers, you are not only wasting your time, you are wasting Cobra's time. The abuse of internet privileges detrimentally affects our entire battle plan, and it must stop if we are to accomplish our final goal: the destruction of G.I. Joe and the domination of the world!

Copy to:

Cobra Commander

The Baroness

Storm Shadow

View Article

Like it? You Like it! (5) Comment (1)

Memo to Cobra Command Employees

by Randy March 24, 2008

View Article

Like it? You Like it! (0) Comments (0)

Sonic's Letter to Sega Corp.

by Randy March 24, 2008

View Article

Like it? You Like it! (2) Comment (1)

What Movies Teach Me: What 'Dazed and Confused' Taught Me

by Randy March 24, 2008

If you're a freshman with a hot older sister, you can hang with the seniors.
Abraham Lincoln can ruin almost any sex dream...ALMOST.
Gillligan's Island was basically the male pornographic fantasy.
The "Every Other Decade Theory" is complete crap. By its calculations, the '70s sucked, but the '00s should be awesome? Wrong!
Coaches in short shorts command respect.
The older I get, the more rules they're going to try to get me to follow. I just gotta keep livin'. L-I-V-I-N.
Ben Affleck is a dick.

View Article

Like it? You Like it! (4) Comments (3)

Police Report, Vice City Police Department, 10/17/02

by Randy March 23, 2008

Keep Reading

See More: Videogames Police Crime

Like it? You Like it! (424) Comments (128)

What The Metal Gear Series Taught Me

by Randy March 21, 2008

Every terrorist bent on world domination will have some sort of insane super power.
When a group of these Super Terrorists threaten the safety of the entire world, it is the policy of the United States government to respond by trusting everything to one man.
If you are cloned, you will look exactly like your father, have the exact same voice, and while your clone father will like to smoke cigars, you will like cigarettes.
Your cloned brother who was cloned from the exact same person you were, will only slightly resemble you, have a different hair color, and speak with an English accent.
Mullets make you indestructable.
A Bandana is just as important as a gun in combat.
The best soldier to ever live looks exactly like Sean Connery, and his clone son bears a striking resemblance to Michael Biehn.
The world is run by a group of twelve men who died 200 years ago.
Next Generation Special Forces will be extremely near sighted, having their vision restricted to about a ten foot cone.
Metal Gear is not, in fact, a titanium penis.

View Article