Every party you attend in college is like a one sided conversation with yourself. This is what you are basically telling your body every step of the way.

First Shot: Hey baby here's a little poison gift. Come on, I'm just joking. Loosen up, man. It's Saturday! Aw, don't even worry, because after last night, I'm gonna take it easy. You probably wont even feel anything.


Second Shot: That first one was practice, seriously. Two shots will NOT hurt you at all. I bet you won't even feel it. Promise. Hey. Hey! Look at me. I promise, okay? Kay good.


Third Shot: Sorry, that was my bad. They were chanting, things got a little outta hand. I was kinda forced into that. You're not mad are you?


Fourth Shot: Oh, shut up. I went to the gym twice this week and I've been walking to school and back, if anything YOU owe ME one. So, please.

Fifth Shot: I'm not listening! Honestly, I'm not even listening to you.

Our simple, safe and sexy plan to get a great work out while you're rubbing one out.

First, balance yourself on the tips of your toes and the top of your head. Make sure to spread your legs wide to create a stable base. With your dominant hand, reach down and pleasure yourself. With your non-dominant hand you may grab your thigh, place it on the floor to steady yourself, or entertain your anus, if that’s your thing.
Muscles Worked

Amount of mustache combs you own

How ironically funny your friends think you are

Compliments

Amount of mustache competitions won

Amount you look like a cop

Amount you look like a homosexual

Amount of hair you'll be able to easily chew

Desire to kidnap women and tie them to railroad tracks