Growing up in a small town you search for ways to amuse yourself.  So,when confronted with the idea of spending yet another night sitting in the gas station parking lot, one can't be blamed for searching for more creative ways to spend a warm summer evening.  It just so happened that years before my parents, in a fit of building that included a new driveway and an addition to our two-story colonial, built a beautiful in-ground pool/hot tub combo. The shallow end was around 3 ½ feet deep and the deep end sunk to the impenetrable depth of 5 feet.  At the time, I questioned my parents' wisdom. "But it won't have a diving board or water slide," I ignorantly protested, having no idea that by benefit of having a shallow deep end I would have some very memorable nights.  However, the pool merely played host to the real star of the backyard: the hot tub.    

It was a 5x5 square, with tiered seating and separated from the pool by a 9" wide tiled partition.  It didn't have any bubbles to speak of but it did feature four jets from which spouted blisteringly hot water.  Many a day was spent backed up to one of the jets, feeling the hot water pour over my lower back.  As I grew older and began to sweat profusely at the slightest hint of heat- a wonderful trait I carry to this day - the idea of sitting in a pool of practically boiling water started to become less appealing. Luckily, being the inventive sort, I worked out a great system for balancing the pool's icy extreme with the hot tub's scorching heat: I would kneel in the pool and submerge my hands in the hot tub.  Much like my habit of driving in winter with the window down and the heat on, this method kept me in a relatively comfortable temperature range.  

But,of course, I'm not writing of my fascinating experiments in human thermodynamic regulation; I am writing about how my parents' desire to give my family a wholesome water-bound playground turned into anything but. 

(Compilation video after the jump)

Blade Runner
Horror films enjoy including eye-gouging for gross-out effect. Philosophical films like Blade Runner, however, tend to use the move as a sophisticated Oedipal metaphor. Either way, we the audience get our well-deserved share of thumbed carnage.

28 Days Later
Danny Boyle's post-modern zombie flick explored the savage similarities between man and monster. The conclusion: you don't need to be undead to jam your opposable digits into someone's skull until blood oozes out like red corn syrup.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Buffy was a show that never shied away from killing off major characters for big moments, and as the final story arc wound down the writers wanted to reinforce the idea that anything could still happen. The best way to show that was to go where no network drama had gone before -- knuckle-deep into a sidekick's eye socket.

Rob Zombie's Halloween
With a scene where a young man is pinned to a kitchen wall with a knife, the original Halloween is hard to top in the gore department. Luckily, the remake was helmed by Rob Zombie; how could it NOT include gratuitous eye gouging?

All week, a stupid word has been pervading the media and that can only mean one thing: Angelina Jolie had another kid. Two actually. Knox and Vivienne. Yeah, Knox. Let's all start placing our bets on what they'll call baby #7. Rex? Jax? Snorlax? You can really tell that Brad and Angie expect their kids to be cool, beautiful people. What if Knox Jolie-Pitt were the name of a fat loser? With this many kids, they're bound to produce at least one dud.[IDLYITW]

Speaking of babies, here's one that's gotten kind of overshadowed by old Foxy Knoxy: Jessica Alba's kid, Honor. She exists. And, yes, Jessica Alba is skinny again. [DListed, PopSugar]

If, however, you were wondering which hotties were looking particularly unskinny this week, take a peek at Uma Thurman's totally f*cked up bikini gut. Either she's pregnant too...or she ate a baby. [Egotastic]

Now that you're totally sick of hearing about pregnant chicks and their offspring, it's time to bask in the beauty of the post-menopausal set. Yeah, I'm talking about sexy old Helen Mirren. I'm serious. [IDLYITW]