CollegeHumor: User 1484743's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792653 The Wonka Lawsuit - Defendant's Answer to the Complaint Fri, 09 Oct 2009 01:44:41 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792653 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Read the original plaintiff's complaint HERE




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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.66d559c6e6785c3aa3eabfbfd7da899f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743">David Siegel</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 1 like </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1787943 Gloop, Augustus et al vs. Wonka Tue, 14 Jul 2009 18:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1787943 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.66d559c6e6785c3aa3eabfbfd7da899f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-14 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743">David Siegel</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 143 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1776744 Your college stereotyped via police blotter Mon, 15 Jun 2009 13:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1776744 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Ivy League:
Campus police responding to a noise complaint at Wrenington Social Hall at 2:34am
reported evidence of "excessive folly" and what "seemed to be just a gay time" after
arriving at the scene. Sophomore Plimpert B. Rothington IV was briefly taken into custody after insisting officers accept a copy of his family crest in lieu of I.D. but all charges were dropped after his father called.

Seven Sisters:
4 lesbians were arrested last night for trespass after campus security refused
them a permit for a late night summoning ceremony of the bitch goddess Lilith on the central quad. The names of the four students are being withheld, but according to police reports they're all anthropology and sexuality studies majors and smelled terrible.


Fashion School:
Freshman Violet Franz was hospitalized after attempting to overdose on
lipstick after failing her dress making final. Doctors say she'll make a full
recovery, thanks largely to the copious amounts of cocaine in her system
at the time.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.66d559c6e6785c3aa3eabfbfd7da899f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-15 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743">David Siegel</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 40 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1775360 Your 8am Lecture Class Professor's End of Semester Email, Translated Wed, 13 May 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1775360 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Before you all head off for vacation I wanted to say thanks for contributing to a great semester.
I have no idea who you are, but I'd like to acknowledge the termination of this mutually obligatory experience.
Teaching undergraduate classes like this keeps me young.
Teaching undergraduate classes like this is a requirement for my research funding.
Hopefully you can take things from this class with you in your future studies.
I made you buy my book, biatch!
You all really helped shape the future direction of this class.
I'll be using the identical Powerpoint slides 10 years from now.
I was surprised by the quality and diversity of opinions in your term papers.
I've never read a single paper you've ever written, but the TA's said they were fine.
Thank you to everyone who came to lecture every week despite the early start time.
Thank you to the 3 Asians and the ROTC kids.
There's nothing better than looking out at rows of eager students every morning.
When the LCD projector is on I can't see sh*t.
For those of you intrigued by the subject matter, I teach an upper level course in the fall.
Buy more of my books, biatch!
Many thanks to our wonderful team of teaching assistants for all their hard work.
Many thanks to our detached team of teaching assistants who do this entirely for the stipend.
I look forward to hopefully hearing from you down the road.
I look forward to you awkwardly asking me to write a letter of recommendation.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.66d559c6e6785c3aa3eabfbfd7da899f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-05-13 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743">David Siegel</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 58 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1775245 Your body freaks out about swine flu Tue, 12 May 2009 13:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1775245 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Brain: Hey everybody, thanks for coming in early. As you know there's a serious threat from this swine flu, and we need to make sure that...

White Blood Cells: Zzzzzzz....

Brain: Hey! Guys! Wanna pay attention, please?

White Blood Cells: Relax, boss. He started taking a multi-vitamin like 2-days ago, it's cool.

Brain: It's cool?

White Blood Cells: Yeah dawg. You seen what's in those things? 100% daily value niacin, yo, iron and mofuggin' ZINC. We on cruise control, b.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.66d559c6e6785c3aa3eabfbfd7da899f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-05-12 13:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743">David Siegel</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 43 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764857 Your body's visit to the doctor Thu, 13 Nov 2008 14:57:57 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1764857 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Tongue: Agaggbalhgagggh...


Esophagus: What the hell is going on?

Tongue: ...blaghgasghghgh

Larynx: Dude! Wtf?

Tongue: Sorry guys. Mouth opened up and all of a sudden I was getting smothered by some gross piece of wood. I feel violated.

Brain: Don't get depressed, Tongue. I care about you guys, so we're having a quick checkup at the doctor's office today.

Balls: OKAY, we're freaking' out of here. We're not about to get bounced around like two chicken eggs getting the okay from a USDA inspector.

Penis: I want nothing to do with this. I don't trust myself in these situations.

Brain: Don't worry. I have a mental image of Rosie O'Donnell doing squats all lined up. You'll be fine. Heart, you there?

Heart: Lub dub. Lub dub.

Brain: Good. No funny business, okay? Just act normal. Skin, I knew that stethoscope is freezing, but just deal with it.

Heart: Lub dub.

Brain: Thanks. This is important.

Heart: Lub dub. Lub dub. Lub dub. KISS MY ASS YES WE CAN OBAMA 08! Lub dub.

Brain: Dammit! Doc is going to think you have an arrhythmia. Straighten up!

Heart: Fine. Lame. Lub dub. Lub dub.

Knees: I just want to apologize in advance for anything I might do. One tap from that little brown hammer and it's like I turn into a different person.

Elbows: That's weak sauce. Grow a pair, knees. I don't go off like some loose cannon just because someone taps me.

Knees: I can't control it! I think I have a problem...OH GOD, there I go. I'm trying so hard to hold still. OH!

Elbows: Hold it together, you puss...WHOA...something's tapping me now. I can't stop moving! There I go again!

Knees: So this is what it feels like when doves cry. One day we'll have this monkey off our back.

Penis: Alright, Balls. We're probably next. Now you give your name, rank and serial number, but nothing else, okay! Don't let them see you sweat. Brain, you got that Rosie O'Donnell image all lined up?

Brain: Yep, with a backup image of Barbara and George Bush Sr making love in case that doesn't cut it.

Penis: Jesus. Yeah, that should help.

Balls: Hang in there, buddy. Don't let them get you riled up. That's probably what they want anyway. Hey you know? This isn't bad. A little clammy, but overall I've had wors...WHOA! Ouch! They got me in some kind of choke hold!


Lungs: Cough, cough.

Balls: Ahhhh! He squeezes harder when you do that! Help!!!!

Lungs: Cough, cough.

Brain: Hey everyone, we need you to roll over. You're all doing great.

Sphincter: Intruder alert! Intruder alert! We have a bogie at 6 o'clock, looks like a gloved finger trying to enter the system. Initiating emergency airlock sealing procedures...

Brain: I'm going to half to override that. They've got clearance.

Sphincter: What? We're just going to let them march on in and look around? They're heading right for the prostate!

Prostate: Oh no! What do I do? I don't think that....I'maYankeeDoodleDandyAYankeeDoodledoordieareallivenephewofmyUncleSam
BornontheFourthofJuly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Balls: What the hell was that? You just burst into song!

Prostate: I have no idea! No one's ever done that to me before.

Brain: Sorry about that. Sphincter, please return to normal security procedures.

Balls: Can we get out of here?

Penis: Seriously.

Mouth: I don't know what you all are bitching about. I got a lollipop out of the whole deal.

Heart: Lub dub. Stub hub. Tub rub. Bud mud.

Brain: Stop it!


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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.66d559c6e6785c3aa3eabfbfd7da899f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743">David Siegel</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 16 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1756743 Your Body's Night In Fri, 06 Jun 2008 11:15:48 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1756743 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

4pm
Feet: Workin' hard there, Butt?

Butt: Not really. He's been on the couch for hours, but it's pretty mindless work.

Feet: I think everyone is pretty wiped. I heard Liver shouting earlier about how "if he wants any alcohol tonight you can metabolize it your damn selves!"

Butt: You know how he gets.

6:30pm

Brain: Hey guys, listen up a sec? Everyone has been really busting it lately. It's been a hell of a week, so looks like we're going to take it easy tonight and stay in.

Hand: Awesome! Hey, you hear that, Balls? Brain just called it. He's not going out. Looks like we'll be working together tonight!

Balls: Excelsior!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.66d559c6e6785c3aa3eabfbfd7da899f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-06-06 11:15:48 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743">David Siegel</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 432 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1755201 If 21st Century Girls Had 17th Century Standards Tue, 13 May 2008 18:03:26 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1755201 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Tricia and Kara, two extremely hot girls, are laying out in the quad.

Tricia: Oh my god, Kara, take a look at Henry Popper over there laying on the bench.

Kara: Wow. Look at that healthy, full gut. He must be like, totally well fed and wealthy.

Tricia: Seriously. He must get to eat rich, dairy-based foods and meats, like, all the time.

Kara: Compared to Biff Ryland over there playing Frisbee, all sinewy and shirtless.

Tricia: Effing gross. Look at those abs and well-defined delts. Uhh, can you spell "field laborer?"

Kara: Haha, you're such a bitch, Tricia.

Tricia: It's true! Ew, and that bronze tan? Girl I want a man that owns the land, NOT works on it.

Kara: Ew, Biff even has that "cut V" thing going on near his crotch.

Tricia: Sheesh, why doesn't he just wear a sign that says, "I don't get to eat figgy pudding with gravy very often."
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.66d559c6e6785c3aa3eabfbfd7da899f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-05-13 18:03:26 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743">David Siegel</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 390 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1754748 Your Body's Night Out Wed, 07 May 2008 13:07:46 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1754748 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

4:45 PM

Stomach: Cool, he's napping. That's good, I need all the energy I can get to work on those two crunchwrap supremes he just plopped down here.

Colon: Sorry, gotta do my 'thang.

Stomach: Colon! You just woke him up! I'm not even halfway done with this yet. Whatever, sounds like he's up and about now. You're trigger-happy, Colon. It's not safe!

Colon: Sorry.
6:00 PM

Stomach: What's that, Skin? He's in the shower? Sounds good. Whadaya say, Balls? He's using a lot of soap? Nice!

Balls: I know!

(splash)

Stomach: What the hell? A beer? A freezing-ass beer in the shower? Whatever it's just one, but really?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.66d559c6e6785c3aa3eabfbfd7da899f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-05-07 13:07:46 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743">David Siegel</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 571 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1754283 Your Commencement Speech, Translated Thu, 01 May 2008 13:16:01 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1754283 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
I'm amazed to see such a vibrant graduating class.
I'm amazed to see such a hung-over graduating class.
Months ago, I began thinking about what to say to you all this morning.
On the plane, I began thinking about what to say to you all this morning.
I'm glad to accept this honorary degree.
I'm glad to accept this fake degree.
I was thrilled when your school first contacted me.
I wasn't booked when your school first contacted me.
I understand many of you may not recognize me.
I understand many of you were hoping for Bill Cosby.
30 years ago I was wearing a mortarboard just like you.
30 years ago I was chugging vodka from a water bottle just like you.
You will all go on to do great things.
Approximately 1/3 of you will go on to do great things.
Now surely, some of you made mistakes over the last four years.
Now surely, some of you majored in communications.
Weeks, months and years from today, your alma mater will not forget you.
Weeks, months and years from today your alma mater will solicit you for money.
You now begin the most exciting and wonderful part of your life.
You just finished the most exciting and wonderful part of your life.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.66d559c6e6785c3aa3eabfbfd7da899f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-05-01 13:16:01 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743">David Siegel</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 76 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1754029 Dorm contraband move out instructions Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:00:19 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1754029 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>  


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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.66d559c6e6785c3aa3eabfbfd7da899f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-04-28 15:00:19 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743">David Siegel</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 120 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1753819 Dad sets the record straight about the birds & bees...sort of Fri, 25 Apr 2008 16:19:35 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1753819 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dad: "Son, can we talk for a minute?"

Son: "Sure, Dad. What's up?"

Dad: "I know you've had sex-ed in school, and I know you're practically a young man, but frankly there is a lot of innaccurate and dangerous information out there in the schoolyard. I want to talk to you like an adult and set the record straight about some important things."

Son: "Ok."

Dad: "First of all, whether it's having sex or something else we'll get to later, be careful how many times you do it. You don't want to run out of sperm, and you have a very limited supply."

Son: "What?"

Dad: "You better believe it. Once you're out, you're out. That's why your mother and I slept together just four times: once on our honeymoon, twice to conceive you and your brother and once by accident."

Son: "Gross."

Dad: "Well, son, sex is gross so try to be mature about this. So then you know intercourse actually occurs when the..."

Son "Dad I already know that part."

Dad: "Oh. Well then you must also know the main thing to worry about is accidentally peeing inside the girl."

Son: "WHAT?"

Dad: "It's extremely easy to do. That switch between option A or option B is like a hair trigger. One of nature's little mysteries I guess."

Son: "Dad I don't think..."

Dad: "Look, son this is difficult for me to even talk about, so stop interrupting."

Son: "Sorry."

Dad: "Now like I said earlier this whole business is pretty icky, so you want to make sure to get it over with as quickly as possible. Women value efficiency, and a pretty girl's time isn't something to waste."

Son: "Jesus, Dad!"

Dad: "Son, this is serious! We're talking about the capacity to bring a new life into this world!"

Son: "I know. You're right."

Dad: "Now luckily you get one mulligan, and a girl can't get pregnant the first time she has sex. Maybe that is consolation for the hair trigger peeing thing, I don't know."

Son: "Dad, I don't want to talk about this anymore. Please?"

Dad: "Fine, just one last thing. Using one condom is like using SPF 5 sunscreen, practically useless. You need to pile those things on. If you drink enough Mellow Yellow your sperm count should be low enough to get by with one, but is that a risk you really want to take?"

Son: "I'm getting up and leaving."

Dad: "I'm glad we did this, son. My father never had this talk with me."

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.66d559c6e6785c3aa3eabfbfd7da899f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743">David Siegel</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 10 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1753588 Am I Giving Up My Subway Seat? Tue, 22 Apr 2008 00:24:37 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1753588 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> FAT GUY = NO

FAT GUY plus CANE = YES

ELDERLY VETERAN = YES

ELDERLY NAZI VETERAN = NO!

LADY plus BABY = YES

BABY = NO?

50 BABIES = YES!

OLD LADY plus BAGS = YES

IMMIGRANT plus LUGGAGE = YES

OLD LADY IMMIGRANT plus EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE = NO

WIDE-EYED TOURISTS = YES

WIDE-EYED TEXANS = NO

WIDE-EYED CYCLOPS = AHH! A F*CKING CYCLOPS! (YES)


REAL COP = YES

LADY COP = NO

LADY COP plus GUN = STILL NO

LADY COP plus GUN plus BABY = YES

LADY COP plus GUN plus NAZI BABY = HELL NO!

BUSINESSMAN plus CELL PHONE = NO

BUSINESSMAN plus DESKTOP COMPUTER plus PRINTER = YES (SUBMIT RESUME)

BUSINESSMAN plus NON-CELLULAR PORTABLE PHONE = NO (BUT GIVE DOLLAR)

ANYONE WHO I THINK COULD PROBABLY KICK MY ASS = YES *

* does not apply if I'm wasted

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.66d559c6e6785c3aa3eabfbfd7da899f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-04-22 00:24:37 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743">David Siegel</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 63 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1753012 Innappropriate Secret Service Code Names Sun, 13 Apr 2008 13:14:46 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1753012 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
The use of official Secret Service code names for presidents didn't begin until the Eisenhower Administration. However earlier presidents had them unofficially, and like most things of a different era, they were far less politically correct...or badass (Bush '41 was "Timberwolf").

President James Garfield

President Zachary Taylor

President Abraham Lincoln

President Ulysses Grant

President William Howard Taft

President Franklin Roosevelt

President James Buchanan

President Grover Cleveland

President Chester "2-Hole" Arthur









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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.66d559c6e6785c3aa3eabfbfd7da899f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743">David Siegel</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751983 Your Roommate Goes Broke via Rent Check Fri, 28 Mar 2008 10:34:12 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1751983 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>


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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.66d559c6e6785c3aa3eabfbfd7da899f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-03-28 10:34:12 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743">David Siegel</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 197 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750493 Your Facebook groups as a professional resume Fri, 29 Feb 2008 00:01:49 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1750493 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Watch out, seniors! As you start sending out those sharp, crisp, semi-truthful resumes, remember that even the guys in HR are on "The Facebook" today and might be checking out your profile before that big interview. What does it say about you?

Travis Speiller
444 Ehringhaus South Dormitory
Tspeiller@college.edu

Facebook Group Affilliations:

"F.I.N.A.L.S" (F*ck, I Never Actually Learned this Stuff)
joined: October 2006
- I'm a lazy putz who will put any work you give me off for as long as I can.

"Screw the morning! I hate getting out of bed!"
joined: November 2006
- I will always be late to work. Always.
- I have a serious substance abuse problem.

"I picked a major I like and will one day be living in a box"
joined: December 2007
- I'm a directionless sap waiting for someone else to figure out my life.
- I never had the stones to suck it up and take a few friggin' math classes.

"I talk to my roommate on AIM even though he/she is sitting right next to me"
joined: December 2007
- Your I.T. guys better lock my computer down, because, well, I clearly like dicking off on AIM.

"Chuck Norris does not sleep...He Waits"
joined: January 2008
- Wait, there's no way I'm just joining this group, is there? Yep, right there, Jan '08.
- If I suck at life, I'll probably suck at this job.

"Finish your beer, there are sober kids in Africa"
joined: February 2008
- I'm a prick.
- I absolutely have a serious substance abuse problem.

"Graduating in 4 years is like leaving the party at 10:30!"
joined: March 2008
- I convinced the school psychologist I was batshit crazy one semester so I could drop all my classes without failing out.

Friends/References:
Professor Tigole Bitties, Chair, Sexuality Studies Department
Barack Obama
Borat
View Article
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.66d559c6e6785c3aa3eabfbfd7da899f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743">David Siegel</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 26 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1749361 Time since doing laundry as indicated by what you're wearing Thu, 07 Feb 2008 10:18:37 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1749361 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> 1. Still-warm sweatpants, teddy bear fresh t-shirt
ELAPSED TIME: 45 seconds

2. Crisply ironed khakis, spring fresh boxers, starched shirt
ELAPSED TIME: 12 hours

3. Jeans, clean hoodie, boxers worn for like 5-minutes the day before (so still clean)
ELAPSED TIME: 3 days

4. Clean khakis, shirt, boxers with Febreze sprayed along asscrack area
ELAPSED TIME: 5 days

5. Wrinkled khakis with freshly purchased socks and boxers
ELAPSED TIME: 7 days

6. Jeans and hoodie with dirty boxers (now with rubbing alcohol instead of Febreze)
ELAPSED TIME: 10 days

Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/6/f/collegehumor.66d559c6e6785c3aa3eabfbfd7da899f.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-02-07 10:18:37 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1484743">David Siegel</a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 131 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />