What did you think of the ending? No, I really do want to hear what you think.

What - what does it mean? It's right there. It's a man sucking on a woman's boobs. I think that's pretty clear. Do you need more? I thought I was a good writer. Maybe I'm wrong. Let me ask what my Pulitzer thinks. It can't talk, but it has my name on it.

I thought you understood, man. John gets lonely. John needs a little excitement. You know what it's like to be with this woman Carol, my wife? It's terrible. I'm trying to tell people, "I need this. That shop closed up long ago. If I want to buy my medicine, it's going to be in the books or not at all." If there's any metaphor here, it's the dustbowl.

So forgive me if I tried to make a good American novel great. Most people would've put the pen down after pleasing the critics. I only put the pen down after pleasing myself.

You're not the first, though. I read some review that said the ending represented my "belief in the power of sacrifice for the greater good of mankind." What? Like, "Okay, yeah. Ya' got me. I just wrote a five-hundred-page book so I could hide the moral in a titty-sucking scene on the last page. Guilty!"

Come on. You can't kid a kidder. Unless there was a misprint, that scene reads as just one thing, and that's man on woman action.

But here's the good news: paid by the word. Viking Press gets their sob story about poor people; readers get the hottest scene of the decade; and I get cash money.

I mean, America! I love this country!

Ryu: You did quite well, but you need more training to defeat me!

Balrog: You got two perfects on me so you're probably right. Any tips?

Ryu: Well, I'd say if there was anything I'd work on for a guy your size and weight, I might try to be faster. Some more stretching and jogging just to loosen the legs up a bit.

Balrog: Oh, that's good advice. See, I need to hear stuff like this.

***

Year: Sophomore:
School: University of Miami
Hometown: Tamarac, FL
Major: Journalism / Public Relations

You're double majoring in two fields that require a lot of social interaction. Which, gosh, how's that working out for you?

Wonderful! Ever since I was a kid, I've loved working and talking with others. I guess you could say I'm a PPP: professional people person.

Really? That wasn't what I'd, you know, expect.

Hah! Well, don't let this smile fool you; I can get serious as the next girl!

What are you serious about?

Too much to name! During summers, I travel to Mozambique to help with some home building efforts through... hello?

What?

You seemed distracted by something. Is everything okay?

Uh, sure, yeah. You built Mozambique.

Hah. You're funny.

Thanks?

A lot of people say that God's greatest gift to mankind was speech, but I think listening is even more valuable. That's why I like talking to you. It's hard to find a nice guy who listens...

Oh, wow... okay... well...

(Sighs) You're flattered but you only date girls in the 10 sizes or less aisle.

I wasn't going to say that.

No, I know. I'm... I'm not mad. I just thought when you called me for an interview, it'd be deeper than this. I guess I just thought more with my heart than with my brain.

Well maybe if you didn't cling like a sock to a dryer, it'd be less terrifying getting to know you.

My clinginess would be immaterial if I were thin! You would like my clinginess if I were thin!

And had two eyebrows.

Now that's just uncalled for! You think because you wear an ironic t-shirt that says "Kansas Kan-Sass" you're some hip guy? How many girls have you laid this semester?

Seven.

Well, okay... I stand corrected. But that doesn't forgive your valuing a woman in a place of learning for the size of her ass and chest.

What's the matter, Regina? Jealous?

Of course I'm jealous! But at least I can see my selfishness for what it is rather than bury my lack of insight with a thick layer of irony and Saturday morning cartoon references.

Well, now this is awkward...

Look, I'm sorry... I'm sure you're a great guy. You obviously worked hard to get a good gig writing for a website like this. I shouldn't have judged you so fast because of my insecurities.

That's alright. I'm sorry all the charity work in the world you do doesn't give me a boner. Can I maybe buy you a drink?

That would be nice.

Any last thoughts?

I wish we were real people instead of poorly written facsimiles of reality.

Me too, sister.

Let's fly to Alpha Centaur!

The imagination has no limit!

Dear Michael:

Regarding your past thirteen inquiries, I appreciate your application for the position of being my boyfriend.

While your promise to "be loyal, no matter what" and "write [me] a poem every day" were tempting, I received many applicants in the courting process and have begun dating another individual whose body is better suited to my newly developed needs.

Thus I will not be offering you the position, but thank you for your interest.

If the need arises for me to contact you in the future about any upcoming openings or study sessions, please be assured I am keeping your note on file and will add you to my AIM buddy list.

Very truly yours,

Dana Shephard

P.S.: Due to the volume of requests I receive, I must ask all future correspondence be addressed to me care of Sally Cohnberg, my BFF.

1.) Sex is the Super Bowl of Making Out. Act Like You've Been There Before

If she asks if it's your first time, say, "No! I have sex all the time with, like, fifty girls. Not at once, although that would be great too! I've been seeing vagina since they day I was born. But because I want this to be as good as possible for you, please direct my penis with your hands into your bikini area in order to give you maximum satisfaction." She'll think you're an expert and taking it slow for her benefit.

Nothing nets you a high-five like letting the boys (or girls! Lucky you with your co-ed suites!) know that you are about to have sex. Put a sock on the doorknob and wink at everyone playing Smash Brothers Brawl. They know what's about to happen! Score one for the big guy!

NOTE: Try not to let your sex partner see you do this unless she's chill. In which case, man, buy a ring and tie that shit down.

3.) Tell Her She's Beautiful. Constantly.

Girls can be insecure about being naked. Smooth this over by constantly shout whispering, "You are beautiful! You are beautiful! You are beautiful! You are beautiful! You are beautiful!" She'll feel more comfortable in no time.

4.) For Background Noise, Music is Good. But Ridley Scott's Gladiator is Better.

Maximus! Maximus! Maximus! Can you imagine how good it will feel to have sex when you've got all of ancient Rome cheering you on? When you're about to finish, scream, "Am I not merciful!" and you can both have a good laugh. If you've got a lot of stamina, there is also an Extended Edition of the movie.

5.) Avoid Taping (This Time).

I know you're excited to get this baby up on YouTube. Someone's got to take down "The Evolution of Dance," am I right ladies? High-five! But think of your first time having sex as the PSAT. Sure, the questions are mainly the same. But you don't want that score to count as much as when you're actually prepared for the big test. The second time you'll get a 2350 for sure!

Well, I hope this helps you have an enjoyable time. If it doesn't go well as you hoped, maybe sex isn't for you. Not everyone can be the World Champion. Judah Friedlander owns that hat. If it doesn't pan out, I would try something new. I mentioned Super Smash Brothers Brawl earlier. That's also a lot of fun!