Sully Sullivan's Articles

What if the nicknames of sports teams were a true reflection of the team and/or its players? FSN (Fake Sports News) proudly presents to you, last night's highlights in the world of Fake Literal Sports...

NewJersey Devils (NHL) vs. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (MLB)
This was a classic battle of good versus evil. Young center field prospect Jesus Christ turned in an MVP-like performance correctly pronouncing infielder Maicer Izturis' name an astounding two times, which the Angels' color commentator emphatically declared a "goddamned miracle". However, in the end, the Devils locked up an easy victory...seemingly too easy in fact. Angels' manager Mike Scoscia later admitted in a post game interview that he had sold his soul to the Devils' owner, Satan himself, for his career .259 batting average and a guaranteed spot in the Italian Baseball Hall of Fame. Joe DiMaggio and Tommy Lasorda, both long deceased, were on hand in spirit as the only other members.

Washington Nationals (MLB) vs. WashingtonRedskins (NFL)
This historical battle played out in front of an abnormally small crowd, as most scalpers had died off in the hours preceding the match. Led into Mayflower Sports Complex by star lefty Grain Alcohol, the Nationals came out absolutely gunning. Reliable catcher Small Pox blanketed the Redskins' offense. The energy in the building was contagious throughout the night as the home team literally raped and pillaged the opposition. The Redskins put up a valiant effort but in all honesty, it was like they brought a bow and arrow to a gun fight. The Nationals now look to their next opponents, the Cleveland Indians, as they continue their Manifest Destiny road trip to the west coast.

The Kid: Apple Paltrow-Martin
The Parents: Gwenyth Paltrowand a poor man's Thom Yorke
Recipe For Disaster:
1 cup of Bad Acting
2 pinches of self righteousness
1 litre of "Yellllllooooooooowwwww"
Future Endeavors: Apple willsnub her parents' encouragement to become a triple threat entertainment star(Acting, Singing, Alcoholism) and settle for a modest life of working in asupermarket produce section. When her trust fund money runs thin, she will turnto affixing the trademark symbol to her name and marketing the new iGiveUptouch screen suicide machine.
Cause of Eventual Death: Eatenby a health conscious cannibal.



The Kid: ZoieLaurel May Herpin
The Parents: Stephanie fromFull House and Cody Herpin
Recipe For Disaster:
2 Tbsp of Sexually Ambiguous First Names
1 Pinch of Brief Child Stardom
3 Handfuls of Uncle Jessie
Future Endeavors: Zoie willdeal with the ups and downs of living with father Cody's brother-in-law andbest friend. She will get into quirky situations that always seem to resolvethemselves by the end of each episode. The heart felt background music willeventually invade her dreams and consequently drive her mad. She will move outof the house at 18 to pursue a porno acting career. Ironically, the first movieshe will star in will be a graphic gang bang film entitled: "FullHouse".
Cause of Eventual Death: Amethamphetamine lab explosion causes her untimely death while simultaneouslyruining the family business.



The Kid: Yet tobe Hilariously Named
The Parents: Jessica Simpson'sless attractive sister and some emo guy from some emo band
Recipe For Disaster:
Equal Parts Angst, Anxiety, Anger, and Alliteration
Future Endeavors: By far themost stylish kid at school, this emo love child will be told repeatedly theylook like their father regardless of what gender they turn out to be. They willbe exposed while hosting Saturday Night Live to go down in history as the firstperson to ever be caught wrist-slit-synching.
Cause of Eventual Death: Isthere really any doubt? Joe Simpson murder-suicide, obviously.



The Kid: LiamAaron McDermott
The Parents: The annoying broadfrom 90210 and Dean McDermott, Canadian Actor
Recipe For Disaster:
3 Shakes of Silicone Polluted Breast Milk
1 Too Many "Uncles" Who Never Seem To Buy You Birthday Presents
3 Dashes of flat-out child neglect
Future Endeavors: Will realizeat age four that he is more mature than his mother. By age nine, questions willarise about why all the other kids have "human mommies" and he has a"horse mommy". Will quit a childhood acting career to go to highschool only to be faced with an adverse situation subsequently comingdangerously close to not graduating. Jason Priestly, still working on passingGrade 11 Gym, will rally the whole school behind his cause.
Cause of Eventual Death: Willbreak a leg in the big race leaving his trainers with no other choice but toshoot him in the face with a rifle.



The Kid: NahlaAriela Aubry
The Parents: Halle Berry andsome French-Canadian Super Model
Recipe For Disaster:
2 gorgeous helpings of juicy tit
4 cups of poutine
Countless nightmarish recalls of mom getting down with Billy Bob Thornton
Future Endeavors: Accepts$500,000 per breast from Gerber Foods Corp to appear topless in a baby food ad.
Cause of Eventual Death: Afterworking his way back into Halle's life, David Justice demonstrates that he's"still got it" by knocking the kid's head RIGHT OUTTA THE (nearby neighborhood)PARK!!!



The Kid: MarquezAnthony Caruso
The Parents: David Caruso (youknow...that fucker from CSI: Miami) and Liza Marquez
Recipe For Disaster:
1 million strands of red hair
4 failed attempts at genuine acting
1 so-so looking mom
Future Endeavors: At anearly age, Marquez developes obsessive compulsive sunglasses disorder. Cannotstart any day without a quick blast of the intro to "Won't Get FoooledAgain" by The Who. Eventually goes on to star in CSI's 16th iteration:CSI: Robert Downy Junior's Apartment.
Cause of Eventual Death: Amysterious murder where you think its gonna be the first guy they bring in, butthen it turns out it isn't, but then in the end...IT ACTUALLY WAS!