CollegeHumor: User 14937's Articles

This Week in Sports!!

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 13:21:25 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> CH'ers, I am on a mission to bring you the best of thebest in all that is sports on a weekly basis. Enough chat, let's get to it!

1) First things first. i know you all have that feeling in the pit ofyou're stomachs. That's right, ONLY 2 WEEKS UNTIL COLLEGE FOOTBALL!!!!!

2) Speaking of college football, hereare some rankingsto get you ready for the season.

3) USC is really itchingstory to get the season started.

4) Now on to the Olympics, the greatest sporting event ever.Chad Johnson doesn't think he's the best, he knows he's the best. So good in fact,he knows he can beat MichaelPhelps in swimming. I'm going to have to disagree, but, I would like to seeChad Johnson in the next summer games, competing in the 100m doggy paddle.

5) Actually if Ocho Cincodid win, the rest of the swimming world would be happy, or at least thisguy.

6) Olympic fever is spreading faster than malaria in an Africanrefugee camp. However, if notpsyched about the Olympics, and you're a red-blooded American dude, here'ssomething to look for while you're roommates, bar buddies, and everyone else inthe world, forceyou to watch the Olympics. Exhibit1- Tatiana Golovin: French Tennis, Exhibit2- Nicole Hudson Aussie Field Hockey, Exhibit3-Leryn Franco Paraguay Javalin , Exhibit4- Heather Mitts, USA Soccer. And that's just some of the lesser knownhotties. Thereare tons more!! Heretoo!

7) Or, you could just getdrunk.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:14937"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/2/collegehumor.d2d3edb420b6e7aeef369e826f389dc6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:14937">Kevin P. [Retired]</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:258"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760646">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

A day with Matthew McConoughey

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 17:10:14 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> (Kevin arrives homefrom work to see his roommate, Matthew McConoughey sitting on the floor,staring at the ceiling.)

Kevin: Hey, what'sgoing on Matt, I see you had a busy day.

Matthew McConoughey:Busy day indeed brah, busy indeed...and another thing buddy, call me Matt, Mr.McConoughey is my dad's name man...Haha, alright....haha.

Kevin: *Stares at Matthew McConoughey, perplexed* Ok...Matt,did you find some time in the day to go get some milk?

MM: Sure enough ambrosia.The ceiling is, I don't know man it's trippy...uh..haha...alright.

Kevin: *Stares at MM, still perplexed...opens fridge,no milk in sight.* Where's the milk?

MM: Oh right man,you right...check out this. *opens bedroomdoor*

Kevin: *looks in to find a goat, staring right back*It's a goat.

MM: Right onright on. Isn't that little guy phenomenal?

Kevin: It's agoat.

MM: It'sbeautiful Abe-BRO-ham Lincoln...hah..uhh.It's like, there man, it there.

Kevin: Yeah man,it's there...What the hell are you thinking, about the goat and whatnot.

MM: I don't thinkman, I react...to the situation that life throws at us man. I embrace it and thewinds of life take me bro. Just, react man.

Kevin: What?

MM: ...haha, you'realright man. You really are. This is a good...moment man. Absolutely a goodmoment...just awesome. Hey, let's drink some beer with our new roommate. Right, Wayne,lets drink some beer and just be.

Kevin: *Stares at Matthew McConoughey, perplexed* Whyare you alive?

MM: *hands Kevin and Wayne a beer, cracks openhis* I'm not alive that's the crazy art man, I'm just living bro...justliving.

Kevin: This is ajoke, right?

Wayne: Bah. *eats can of beer*

MM: No way! Wayne is officially inthe "League of Righteous Dudes." That was inspiringly beautiful on all levelsof the human and animal world. Beautiful. Haha...alright.

Kevin: *Stares at MM* It was pretty cool.

MM: Alright man.You getting' it brother. Uhhhh...question amigo. You know what's cool?

Kevin: *sighs* What?

MM: A thermosmug.

Kevin: *Stares at Matthew McConoughey, utterlyshocked*

MM: When you putcold stuff in it, it keeps it cold. When you put hot stuff in it, the sameexact thermos, it keeps it hot. HOW DOES IT KNOW!!...WHOA!!! Blow the mind awayman, crazy. Wayne,whatcha think about that.

Wayne: *Stares at Matthew McConoughey, perplexe,continues eating carpet*

MM: I got you Wayne. That cat is deep.Hey bro, let's go to the river and swim bro.

Kevin: You meanthe Mississippi River?

MM: Right on, themighty Mississippi...themighty MISS-AH-SSSIIIII-PAH. You want some of that cleaning river mud.

Kevin: Do I wantthat? Just about as much as I want to befucked in the ass.

MM: Alright man,next time...next time. Come on Wayne,lets got get you baptized.

Wayne: bah.

*Wayne and MM ride off into the sunset*

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:14937"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/2/collegehumor.d2d3edb420b6e7aeef369e826f389dc6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:14937">Kevin P. [Retired]</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:258"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760122">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

What Your Book Bag Says About You...

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 00:51:26 -0500

Run-of-the-mill College Student

If you have one of these bad boys, you're in college for one reason, to get out and have fun while you're at it. You're not too involved with the exception of going to a few sporting events here and there.

English Major

If you have one of these book bags, chances are you don't need room for bulky text books or some shit like that. No, all you need is room for a few novels and notebook or as you call it, a "Creative Writing Pad" Chances are you won't get a good paying job either.

Emo

You are an Emo. You refuse to conform to the norm so you pay extra money to buy the latest and trendiest back sack from a big corporation so you and you friends can show that you don't need the latest trend and friends to thrive in a world run by corporations. Way to stick it to the man.

Business Major

It's a leather bag that says "I'm going places" and it has space for your legal pads and blackberry. Sure, you don't get any legit business e-mails yet but you're always on top of your profile on Facebook.

Miss Acadamia

The girl with this bag is usually pretty cute but, you can't get a good look at her because she sits in the front. This bag is always jam packed with text books so that it sticks out two feet when she's walking on campus. This book bag says, "I'm cute and smart! YAY!"

Asian/ Child Prodigy

You can never mix this bag up with anyone else's because it has your fucking initials on it. The owner usually falls into one of these categories.
1) Asian
2) Really smart kid or child prodigy.
3) Lazy kid who hasn't got a new book bag since the 4th grade.

Sorority Girl

Usually comes with a pastel color Northface fleece, huge sunglasses, pink razr, and keys to a BMW. These things are usually 3/4 the size of the girl carrying them and most likely have some greek letters embroidered on the front. They hold a lot of shit. Sure, all that weight on your shoulder will lead to back problems, at least you look good.

Frat Boy

Hey Brody, gonna hit the slopes later? Trey, you going camping? No; you're in a frat aren't you so of course you gotta have the best camping back pack available. Also comes with matching black Northface fleece, Costa Del Mar sunglasses with matching frat strap and a lifted 4x4 Z71 Tahoe that has never been taken off-road.

Continuing Education

Yeah, back in the day college wasn't that big of a deal but since the kids are moved out, why not get your associates degree. We can here you rolling your books all the way to class and we watch you as you struggle with the handle when you're trying to put it down. These people will sit in the front row and always ask questions at the end of class and share stories of how they already applied to life the lessons learned in class.

Student Athlete

I admire the person with this bag. You see, they represent all that is good with college sports. They work hard to make the team and play for the love of the game. Unfortunately, they lack the God-given talent required to start. But the upside is that you still get a bunch of free stuff, including that book bag.

Scholarship Athlete

Lets face it. You don't need to carry any books because you are here for one reason. You run quick/ catch great/ throw fast/ hit hard/ shoot well. What you lack in academic prowess you make up in raw athletic ability. Get us a ring, we'll get you a degree or high draft pick.

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The Generic College Football Argument: Part Deux

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 16:04:14 -0400

Man, what a crazy year it has been in college football. Once again, the _____ conference is looking like a powerhouse and the _____ conference seems to be slacking off. At least there is one constant that will never change, the media loves _____. I hate how the media defends that team, even after that poor showing against _____. Sure they won, but they should have killed them if _____ was really that good, according to the media. And what about all of these upsets, _____ beating ______ at home, _____ beating _____ on the road. I thought _____ was such a hard place to play, NOT!

You know something though, I don’t care what everyone says, _____ blank should not be ranked in the top __. My old high school plays harder teams than ______ and yet, since ____ blank has plays a much harder schedule and slipped up against _____ at ______,_____ gets to waltz right up to number ____. Such bullshit. Oh well, if ______ isn’t playing ______ in the BCS Title Game, then we have a problem. At least Notre Dame sucks, TAKE THAT LOU HOLTZ YOU ______. I bet Les Miles has a pair of huge _____ for brains. Nick Saban is a ______.

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The inner monologue of a jealous Kevin P., while reading Jason Michaels' articles.

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 10:50:03 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Ah, time to kick back and get me a dose of funny from good ole CH. Let’s see, what do we have today. Here we go pictures. Funny...funny...eh...seen it…If someone says “Simpsons did it” again, I might have to leave CH. No, I would be missed, probably not…Yeah, I would.
Videos; alright let’s see here. Funny...weird...how did the cow do that...I would totally bang her and her twin in the mirror, at the same time…STREET FIGHTER!! Man that was good. Good job CH, solid performance.
Time to read; what is going to exercise the brain today? WYR, pretty good...CCG, pretty cute...What’s this, “Commenter Keyboard.” Hmm, this is pretty funny...Wow, Jason Michaels, he sure is getting a lot of front page time. Jeeze, even the staffers are commenting on his articles; might have to pull out the old “staff infection” joke Now that joke is funny, but would it be appropriate since the super bug is out. I’ll hold back.… “Dan, you just made my CH.com scrapbook...and yes, i do have one” Why don’t you suck up more often Michaels. Whoa, this kid’s is getting a lot of praise. Jesus, ok, it’s funny, not that funny. WHY IS THIS GETTING SO MUCH PRAISE? I have to check out his other works....Oh a Carlos Mencia remote, that’s about as funny as Carlos Mencia himself....AIM buddy list? Alright might be a little funny.... What else. Tic-tac-toe, are you fucking serious....Stick figure...ha-ha.NO! Not funny. I can’t kid myself, that was funny, but I won’t “Like it”...Jesus, drunk dial, it’s been done…Paris Hilton, old news…more Jesus stuff…masturbating...“This Article Sucks”, I agree!... How can this kid just sign up and start making the front page like nothing. I mean, I wrote “Man vs. Wild meets Survivorman”. That was gold. “The Generic College Football Argument” was pure genius. Not to mention my other articles were equally as good in their own right. What a joke. I’m hungry.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:14937"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/2/collegehumor.d2d3edb420b6e7aeef369e826f389dc6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:14937">Kevin P. [Retired]</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:258"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1742951">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

The Saints are Back.

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 10:13:36 -0400

The final whistle blows,
and the Saints are 0-3.
Saints for the Super Bowl they chose,
Which filled me with joy and glee.

Could we finally end the sophomore slumps,
and break out again this year.
No, it seems we're back in the dumps,
from New Orleans, we will not cheer.

Were Brees, Colston, and Bush,
just busy from all the fame?
The Defensive line can't make a push,
and our offense looks like Notre Dame

We can't throw and catch the ball anymore,
and why is it that we cannot run?
Opponents find scoring is not a chore,
last year was great, but '07 is no fun.

I'm quite fond of the good times.
Nothing beats a 4th quarter rally.
Saints suck now, the death bell chimes,
Just add one more to the lost games tally.

There are so many questions in life,
like why can't we be good again?
With all our toils and strife,
we have to beg just for a win.

I still have the faith in New Orleans,
Can you say miracle playoff run?
No, that won't happen in a city full of sins,
at least my LSU Tigers are not done.

I guess the Saints are again perennial losers,
we're a power house in the loser's pack.
but one thing is agreed upon by all the boozers.
The real Saints, the Aints, are surely back.

-Kevin P, Lifelong Aints fan.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:14937"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/2/collegehumor.d2d3edb420b6e7aeef369e826f389dc6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:14937">Kevin P. [Retired]</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:258"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1741303">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Transcripts:Loyd Carr and Charlie Weis give a pep talk to their team.

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 10:53:30 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Michigan locker room:

LC: Alright guys, gather up, we have a very good team coming in the Big House with all intentions of turning their season around just like we want too. I be--

Mike Hart: Did you just say Notre Dame was "very good"?

*awkward silence*

LC: Yes, Notre Dame is Notre Dame, there always good and they're in the hunt for a national title year in and year out.

*locker room arupts in laughter*

LC: I watched them on film, they are good and they have this one guy who has a bigger heart than any of you! If anyone on this sorry excuse for a football team had a tenth of his heart, we'd be #1!

Chad Henne: Can we see this film coach?

LC: Yeah, sure.

*Carr hands film to Henne*

CH: Coach, this is the movie Rudy and it was rented from blockbuster. Have you looked at any game tape?

LC: *tears up*...No, they didn't give my anything but a program and a empty KFC bucket.

CH: Aww, come here coach, shhh. It's alright big guy. *Henne and Carr tenderly hug*

*Locker room falls into stunned silence*

MH: We're fucked.
_________________________________________________________________

Notre Dame locker room:

Weis: ...and that's how I won my first Super Bowl.

Jimmy Clausen: WOW WEE! Coach, Tell us another story. Pllleeeaassee!!!

Weis: *Licks the nacho cheese from his finger tips* Not now Jimmy. Let's talk about the game Saturday. *Grabs a Big Mac from his pocket* Now fellas, we have a tough ball game ahead of us this weekend. We've been called on to go to their house and our fans expect us to win. *Spits pieces of Big Mac out of his mouth as he tries to contain his laughter* I think we can do it...*Weis loses it and busts out laughing*

JC: I think we can win coach and if we don't, we'll know we tried our hardest!

Demetrius Jones: Wow. That is pathetic.

Weis: Let's face it guys. We ain't gonna win and that's that. What else do you want me to do. I'm only here to focus on our overrated QB's and that's all. I'm doing my job, maybe you should do yours! *Swallows a cooked turkey whole"

DJ: They pay you $3.5 million just to get big name QB's?

Weis: Yep. *Drinks a five gallon bucket of Diet Coke* Guys, I don't know what all the fuss is about. You know damn well that after the season is over, we go in next season ranked in the Top 25. We're Notre Dame for Christ's sake! *Eats a bottle of Tums* But seriously, I hired someone very familiar with the prestige of Notre Dame and he's gonna give you guys a pep talk. Coach come on in!

*Lou Holtz walks through the door*

Holtz: Get ready guys *spit flies everywhere*. We got to go out there *Holtz gets excited, more spit flies* and beat them at there own game. *more spit*. Come on! *inaudible*

DJ: We're fucked.

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The Generic College Football Argument

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 23:41:15 -0400

My God, are they f*cking serious? Honestly, how can they rank _____ ahead of ____!? Who cares if they only had ___ losses last year, they play in the _____ conference. If they played in the _____ conference, they would have way more losses and wouldn't be getting all this media love. There is such a ____ coast bias it's unbelievable. The ____ coast gets no love whats so ever, even though the ____ conference is clearly to toughest conference. _____ could do awesome in the ____ conference even though they suck in the ____ conference. Maybe if ____ would play in the _____ conference and have to play top teams week after week, and still won, they would deserve their rank, but no, the ___ poll just likes sucking ____'s dick all the time. Such bullsh*t! And why is ____ ranked so high, who do they play? F*cking media darlings.

Don't get me started on the whole playoff/ BCS debate. Clearly, the ____ is the best option. Both systems have controversy but the ____ method is the fairest and they are both better than the old poll and bowl system. But, in this day and age, the regular season ____ a playoff, no matter what ____ says.

Did ____'s coach really day that in public? What a f*cking idiot. That reminds me, Charlie Weis is really fat....I hate ____.

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King of Pong

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 14:44:33 -0400

It’s just another party for Andy, the self-proclaimed beer pong champion of the world, to piss greatness all over those who dare to challenge him. He considers the rest of us mere mortal and only himself, and maybe his partner on a couple of shots, but mainly himself, to be the god of beer pong.

�

*The champ sets up the cups and is ready to play*

Andy: Alright suckas, who’s ready to get beat by me and Mike. Who? Anybody?

Me: Me and Ross will give it a shot.

Andy: Anybody good I mean and can give me a challenge.

Me: Andy, me and Ross won your “tournament of champions” last weekend.

Ross: Yeah, we nearly shut you out.

Andy: Well, that’s because I had some stupid fag on my team who didn’t make shit. If it were just me, you boys would be dead from alcohol poisoning and shame.

Me: What? That doesn’t really make sense.

Andy: Whatever faggots, you know I could probably take a national crown…seriously I could. Now quit talking and let’s play some pong babies! WOO!!

*Andy shoots, makes a cup.*

Andy: That’s right boys. WORLD CHAMP!!! It’s going to be a quick game baby!

*Mike shoots and misses long*

Mike: Shit

Andy: You probably should just kill yourself Mike. I was undefeated last night. Stayed at the table for 15 games and didn’t lose one and I’ll be damned if you ruined my hot streak!

*Ross and I shoot and each make a cup*

Ross: Send ‘em back fellas, we’re not through yet.

*I shoot and miss*

Ross: Back-right cup…

*Shoots and makes the called cup*

Ross: That’s 2 cups buddy…drink up!

Me: Nice man.

Andy: Shut up, watch this.

*Mike and Andy both miss*

Andy: Damn it Mike! Why don’t you fucking contribute!

Mike: Are you serious dude? Just a game man.

Andy: You’re gay….I’m not drunk enough. Let me funnel a beer real quick.

*Andy funnels beer and gets beer all over his shirt. Mood changes from happily drunk to sad as Me, Ross, and Mike see friend lose his dignity*

Me: Alright, ready now?

*Ross and I both make cups*

Ross: Roll that shit back!

Me: We’ll take a re-rack too. Diamond please.

*Ross’s arc shot misses but opens the door for my bounce shot which lands in the front cup…Ross and I chest bump*

Me: I SPIT HOT FIYAH!!! You’re right. This will be a quick game.

Andy: Shut up dude

*Mike makes one, Andy misses*

Andy: It’s about fucking time!

*Ross makes his shot, I miss*

Andy: Alright Mike. Make this shot.

*Mike misses.*

Andy: I’m so fucking pissed off that you’re making me lose focus. It takes focus to be a WORLD CHAMP!

*Andy makes cup*

Andy: YES! Drink up sissies!

Me: Alright Ross, this is all you.

*Ross makes last cup, I miss opening door for a rebuttal*

Andy: Don’t fuck this up Mike.

*Mike misses.*

Andy: You really suck. Get out of my house.

*Andy misses rebuttal. Loses game.*

Me: *Whistles Queen’s “We are the Champions”*

Ross: So do we get a belt for beating the world champ.

Andy: Shut up. It’s hard to repeat last nights performance with douchebag Mike on you’re team.

Mike: What the hell man. You didn’t look so stellar yourself.

Andy: Shut the fuck up or I’ll kick your ass. Besides, its shark week, why are we playing beer pong when we can drink inside and watch sharks attack shit.

Me: He’s got a point

*Everyone goes inside to watch Shark Week…Only on the Discovery Channel*

Andy: I would totally kick that shark’s ass!

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:14937"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/2/collegehumor.d2d3edb420b6e7aeef369e826f389dc6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:14937">Kevin P. [Retired]</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:258"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1737441">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />

Carrie Underwood is a felon

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 14:01:02 -0400

The police have come to arrest Carrie Underwood for felony vandalism for cause over $3000 in damage to her estranged boyfriend’s truck. �

�

*Police knock on Underwood’s door*

�

Policeman: Ms. Underwood, we know you’re in there. We have a warrant for your arrest.

�

*Underwood opens door*

�

Underwood: �What…what’s this all about. Why do y’all have a warrant for my arrest? Don’t you know who I am?

�

Policeman: We do know who you are and we know what you did to a certain someone 4x4 pick-up truck in the early morning hours on July 5.

Underwood: What…I’m confused. What did I do?

�

Policeman: You don’t remember vandalizing your’ ex-boyfriends truck. He filed a report yesterday.

�

Underwood: I didn’t do anything.

�

Policeman: Ma’am, are you telling us that you didn’t and I quote, “dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive”

�

Underwood: That wasn’t me.

�

Policeman: You didn’t take a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all 4 tires.

�

Underwood: No, I swear officer.

�

Policeman: Then why is your name carved into his leather seats?

�

Underwood: Uh…I di…

�

Policeman: We’re going to have to take you in. There is over $3000 in damage to his truck not to mention a pending restraining order filed against you by your ex-boyfriend and his fianc�. If you are unaware, that's a felony in this state.

�

Underwood: That stupid little bitch.

�

Policeman: Ok, that’s enough. *cuffs Underwood, puts her in the cop car* And ma’am, maybe next time you’ll think before you try to get back at you’re boyfriend and then write a catchy tune about it. *closes car door, slaps the trunk*

�

*cop drives away to station*

�

Policeman: Alright boys, lets go get Nickleback off the streets.

�

Stupid Rookie Cop: Why boss.

�

Policeman: Because they torture anyone who listens to their songs…stupid rookie.

*all cops on hand get in their cars and speed away* ��

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Kevin P's Preseason College Football Top 10

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 12:46:43 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> In less than 50 days, a new season of college football will begin and what better way to pass the time than to pick the preseason top ten teams! Here it goes.

1.USC

I actually tried to put USC number 2 but then the AP sent me an e-mail threatening my life if I didn’t put the Trojans as the top team going into the 2007 season. Anyways, USC will be good, again. I mean, according to some circles, they’re going for their 10 straight national title.

2.LSU

This is going to be a great season for the Tigers but we got a new QB and he can’t throw a 125 yard pass like Russell could but new LSU QB Matt Flynn’s last start was against Thug U (Miami) and the Bayou Bengals won a close one, 40-3 . The Tigers should be playing in a bowl game close to home this season because the national title game is in the Big Easy and the their defense will be nasty this year. If not, the Sugar Bowl sounds good too.

3.Florida

Hey remember last year when everybody called the Michigan-OSU game the national title game. I do. Remember when nobody gave Florida a snowflakes chance in hell in the NC game. I do. Remember the end result of that game. 41-14 Gators.�Anyway, offensively, Florida will be fine. They have Tim Tebow leading the way. Defense is the big question.

4.West Virginia

Pat White, Steve Slaton, and Noel Devine Name three reasons why WVU will be fun to watch. Add that to the fact the my old high school is on their schedule and the Mountaineers should tear it up but lose a game late and dash their national title hopes

5.Michigan

Michigan would have had a case for a share of the national title if A) They beat USC B) OSU beat Florida…Neither happened to the dismay of the sportswriters across the world. Oh well. This year Michigan will be really good on offence but they have to replace a pretty solid defense from last year.

6.Louisville

Brian Brohm is back. But their coach, who vowed he would never leave Louisville, left for the ATL. �What a bastard, right? Hey, I know the feeling Louisville! But, this will be a shaky year but, the Cardinals are in a good conference to make mistakes in because the Big East, though they went 5-0 in the bowls, might have some trouble being as predominate as last year.

7.Wisconsin

DYK: Wisconsin tied for the 2nd best record in NCAA football last year yet no one even mentioned them. I felt bad for Wisconsin last year. They got snubbed and they actually won their bowl game, over struggling Arkansas. (The secret was to make them pass.) �The got no love. But, they should get plenty of love this year for making a legit run for the Big Ten Plus One title. PJ Hill will help out with that one.

8.Texas

It’s going to be a make or break year for Colt McCoy. Seriously, who names a kid Colt, after a hand gun? Good thing he’s a QB because that’s all his crazy name would allow. But, Texas will either go undefeated or win 8 games. Either way, Mack Brown will be on the hot seat.

9.Virginia Tech

VT had a crazy good defense last year and of that defense from 2006, 8 starters return. That means they’ll probably have a crazy good defense this year too. These guys could play in the national championship this year if their offence is worth a shit.

10.�Oklahoma

These guys bounced back from a winless season (true story, just announced) in 2005 to and 11-3. OU is a pretty established team this year but they have plenty of new guys who can tear it up. That’s why they make the top ten. Not to mention an easy schedule that will have them 5-0 going into the Texas game.

�

Final Note:

It’s not that I hate the Big Ten, I just think they are overrated consistently. There are only 2-3 teams worth a damn on any given year in that conference while the rest just plain suck. That inflates stats and makes team look better on paper than they actually are. Last Michigan had a highly touted defense but what happened in OSU game, they give up 502 yards in a 42-39 game. OSU look unstoppable against any defense but only had 82 yards against Florida.

�

View Article

Wedding Time Blues

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 18:40:45 -0400

Kevin and his girlfriend are at the reception of mutual friends after their wedding.

GF: Aww, I love weddings. Laura looks so beautiful in her dress and John is just so handsome. It must be so exciting.

Kevin: I bet it is.

GF: I can't wait!

Kevin: Wait for what? *Takes bite of the chicken alfredo*

GF: Until we get married silly!

Kevin: *chokes on food* What!

GF: Baby are you ok.

Kevin: Yeah, I'm fine, just went down the wrong pipe. I'm going to go get something to drink. *rushes to bar*

GF: But you have water right here! *turns to friend* I think he might pop the question soon!!

Friend of GF: Aww!! Really? That's so great!

*The two share a giggle. Meanwhile, Kevin spots his buddy at the bar*

Buddy: What is up KEV-VON!! Bro, haven't seen you in forever!

Kevin: Nothing man, just getting a drink. *turns to bartender*�Crown & Coke�on the rocks.

Buddy: Pretty crazy seeing John get hitched bro. He found the one, that's for sure.

Kevin: A little young if you ask me. If she's really the one, she'll be the one in 5 years, you know, when they get out of school and have some income rolling in. That's when you get married, when you can afford it. *finishes drinks, orders another* Just leave me the bottle.

Buddy: You still dating that one girl.

*Kevin and buddy see GF fight for the bouquet...Kevin winces*

Kevin: Yeah, she's getting antsy for one of these too.

Buddy: Tough break...All hells yeah, the chocolate fountain is running. SO ACE! *runs to chocolate goodness*

*Kevin returns to table*

GF: Hey babe. Feeling any better?

Kevin: Yep.�*finishes drink*�I'm fine.

GF: Great. Let's dance. *drags Kevin to dance floor, next to the bride and groom* I love you Kevy.�*Kevin sighs and smiles back* Laura, your dress is gorgeous. I'm so jealous!

Kevin: There's nothing to be jealous about. *turns to groom* Congrats man and...good luck.

John: Thanks man. It seems like yesterday we were playing around with fireworks and doing other stupid stuff young kids do. Now we're getting old and have house payments to worry about.

Kevin: Jesus John, we were doing that stuff not even a week ago.

GF: I caught the bouquet. You know what that means.

John: Yeah man, you're next. Hah.

Kevin: Have you all gone completely crazy! I'm still in college! While you two will be worrying about your finances, I'll be in my finance lecture! And no, we're not getting married anytime soon. *music convenently cuts out, everyone at reception notices the yelling.*�We may be next, but it'll will only be because no one else got married in the next 5 to 10 years! Which, at this rate, won't happen!

*Gasps come from around reception. Grandmother of the bride faints*

GF: I thought you loved me! *runs to bathroom, crying. all her girlfriends follow to console her*

Kevin: Uh...Again, congrats to you two. Wrap it up tonight.

*Gets whiskey and walks out. Buddy greets him at the door.*

Buddy: Pound it! That was Ace bro. You speak for us all!

View Article

If all the countries of the world were actual people...

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 00:57:20 -0400

USA�is walking outside to pick up the mail and see's his nieghbor Canada and the begin to talk.

Canada: Hey there USA, what's going on, eh.

USA: Ah nothing much, just getting the mail. No one bothered to even send a birthday card, all I get is bills! Trillions of dollars in bills.

Canada: Tough break. I know the feeling, My birthday was the July 1st but no one cares because, you know, I'm Canada.

USA: Well happy belated birthday Canada, we should hang out more often, we could learn a lot from each other.

Canada: That would be great!

USA: NOT!!! Just kidding.

*Mexico goes into USA's backyard*

USA: Hey Mexico, get the hell out of my yard or I'll kick your ass!

Mexico: Que?

USA: Forget it.

Iran, Iraq and Afganistan are across the street.

USA: Looks like those three are up to no good, again.

Canada: Don't look at them, they might see up and try to pick a fight like they did that one day.

USA: Oh, you mean when they punched me in the face from behind. Those pricks. I should have completely beat the shit out of them when I had the chance. I mean look, I beat up Afganistan and Iraq and tell them, unless they want to get beat again, they have to stop being a bitch and stop hanging out with Iran, and look what they're doing. God knows what the bastard Iran is telling them to do.

Canada: They can't be that bad. Maybe fighting people is not the way to go.

USA: Worked for Japan, worked for Germany, why not them. Wait until you get punched in the face. Hell, look what they're doing to�Britain and Scotland. Those fucking pricks are messing with my friends and they should pay!

Canada: Chill out, eh. Maybe your way of dealing with people is not the best way is all I'm saying. You know?

USA: Maybe you're right. I'm no pussy though. People look up to me you know, and whether they like me or not, who do they call for when times are tough...me.

Milk truck drives up, Saudi Arabia gets out and delivers milk to USA's front step.

USA: Thanks! Hey Canada, you have any milk for me too.

Canada: Yeah, I'll get you some. Don't you make your own milk too?

USA: Yeah, in the southern most part of the backyard, by my pond. I love milk, where do you think I get these huge guns from?

Canada: Well, I better get going.

USA: Alright see you later...Hey, I'm having this party tonight for my birthday. Come if you would like. If I don't hear the doorbell, just come in. It's not hard to get in. Don't tell Mexico either. They'll probably show up anyway but don't give them the heads up. They just steal my shit. Even if I don't want it, the steal it anyway.

View Article

KP Thrilla: Original Office Gangsta

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 15:01:18 -0400

Waz up thuglettes. Ready for me to spread some peep-juice all up in this bizatch. I hope so, y'allz best take a seat ˜cuz this shit Ima about to drop on ya is for real son, no joke, some potent shit coming your way! Your boy, KP-thrilla, just gotta raise son. Now don't be jealous y'all. As my boy Nick Andrews A.K.A Numberz from the A-Kounting Krew says, "Don't get yo hate up, get yo weight up." That's deep shit for realz. No y'all for real though, great week for the thugs and bitches up in the office. Birthdays out the ass son! So we're havin' some bomb-ass parties and they gonna be THA SHIT! Even true gangstas can always use some cake action, ya heard that? You want more reality, they hired some new bitch in Hizzle Rizzle Mizzle and she's a fuckin' dime piece killas! No whah I'm saying!? Ha hah! For real though, Numberz did a little investigatin' and said she's flyin' solo. That mean it's time for this thug to go out on the hunt son. No ho can resist this kid over hurr. So what if she's talkin' to that salesman Brian, he's weak-shit. I know how it's going down. He be all, "I'm a regional salesmen." Then I come in and say baby girl, you know, say it all smoove like, "You want a regional salesmen, or you want an international playa." Then, once again, KP-thrilla gets tha bitch. Ima fuckin' legend in the hallz son.

Alright yo, we'z gots to take a moment say some words yo to the big guy in the sky for my boy Donald William AKA "Tha Don" from Corporate Relations. He's hurtin' man, sitting at home yo. Last weekend you, my other thug D-Box from Shipping/Receiving had the hella crazy party yo at his duplex.

(His neighbors were gone so the law wouldn't show up, it was tight!) Anywayz, it was crazy yo, bitches, ho's, thugs, and stunnas was everywhere. Anyway, Tha Don was fixin' to get set up with this fine ass dime piece so he starts doin' his thing. So he's "walkin' it out" right, turns out, he walked it out right in front of my boy's fresh Miata, broke his leg and trashed his kicks. Bill Starkey A.K.A "Dollar Billz," also a part of the A-Kounting Krew, was driving. He's all bummed and shit. But hey, parties can't pop without the Grey Goose ya heard!? Aight, nuff with the sermon. Church is out peeps. Go on bout cha bidness!

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Take Home Chef: The Lost Episode

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 14:29:14 -0400

We pick up the show when the unsuspecting husband, Bill,�is just about to come home. Take Home Chef, Curtis Stone is in the kitchen preparing dinner with Stacey, the lucky lady selected "at random" (She was the hottest) in a grocery store earlier in the day.

Curtis: Ok, now all we have left to do is chop these carrots into small pieces and throw them in the oven with the pork. Can you handle this Stacey?

Stacey: I don't know, I'm not a good cook. *annoying laugh* I'll try. *more annoying laughter*

Curtis: Jesus Christ Stacey! You've done nothing but drink wine. The least you can do is chop up some damn carrots!

*Awkward Silence*

Curtis: Oh...uh...GOTCHA!!!

Stacey: ...OH! *annoying laughter*

PRODUCTION CREW: The husband is coming. Places everyone!

*Drunk husband stumbles through the door, and is surprised to see everyone in his house*

Bill:� What...who...What the hell is going on in my house?

Curtis: You're on take home chef! Your wife has been in the kitchen all afternoon making you dinner.

Bill: ...Who the hell are you?! Stacey! Are you cheating on me again!? Tell me now before I kill someone!

Curtis: That's not it mate, you're on a TV show, where I help your wife cook you dinner after a long hard day at wor--

Stacey: Were you at a bar again Bill? WERE YOU!

Bill: And if I was, Stacey? What are you going to do about it? Huh?

*Bill nearly falls*

Stacey: You're pathetic, you know that. You know I don't feel so bad about chea--

Curtis: Let's have a seat shall we. The pork is just about done!

*Bill and Stacey have a seat. Curtis finishes his dinner and serves it to Bill and Stacey with a�bottle of wine*

Curtis: Here we have seasoned pork loin with lemon essence with a side of french cut green beans and roasted garlic mash potatoes.

Stacey: Looks great Curtis, Thank you for everything.*Pours glass of wine*

Bill: Yeah man, this is fucking fantastic! You can cheat on my wife anytime just as long as you cook! *drinks wine straight from the bottle*

Curtis: Well, I'll take that as a compliment.

Stacey: *tears up* I want a divorce.

Bill: Yeah, well, I want a job!

Stacey: You have a job.

Bill: Correction, I had a job, but I got fired so I went to the bar instead.

Stacey: *starts crying hysterically* GET OUT! Just get out!

Curtis: *rushes out the door* Well, that's all the time we have. Recipe is easy, check the website. *yells to Stacey and Bill* Dessert is in the fridge!

*Door shuts. Yelling and breaking glass can be heard from inside*

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Man vs. Wild meets Survivorman

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 11:42:06 -0400

While filming for their next episode, Les Stroud of "Survivorman" and Bear Grylls of "Man vs. Wild" cross paths in the wilderness of� Alaska. Here's what follows:

Bear: It's very important to stay as warm and rubbing animal feces on yourself is a good way to do this. *Hears Footsteps*

Les: Well hey, look who it is. Sh*tface himself,�Bear Grylls...

Bear:� Oh...Hello Les, get separated from you boy scout troop again. Did Discovery Channel actually give you a 2nd season?

Les: Yes they did. They had no choice. Your roll is to be like the show WildBoyz, I have to be the show that teaches you to survive.

Bear: What, are you jealous that I'm stealing the spotlight?

Les: Yeah, I'm real jealous. I wish I had sh*t on my face and I wish that I used my own piss soaked shirt to keep cool, or drink water from elephant sh*t. COME ON GRYLLS, WHO ARE YOU KIDDING!?

Bear: I TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO SURVIVE!!

Les: Is that so. So normal people jump out of planes when the go camping in the middle of the Costa Rican jungle. Is that it? Normal people have camera crews following them as the go "deep into the jungle". Normal people choose to eat raw fish or jump into icy water on a glacier when they have a perfectly good fire? Face it, you're a joke. Your just a pretty face that goes hiking and films it!

Keep Reading

Is that your sister?

Tue, 15 May 2007 16:17:48 -0400

It's summer and I have recently came home from school out of state�to visit some friends. Here's how it went.

Me
Friend

Hey man, I haven’t seen you in ages. How you been buddy.

Been good man, it’s been a few years since you’ve been to my house.

That’s what going to school 1000 miles away will do. Hey, was that your sister who answered the door?

Yeah…why?

Nothing. Just that, she, you know, grew up a bit. How old is she now…18?

Dude, she’s 16.

Chill dude, I’m not checking her out or anything.

Better not.

I just haven’t seen her in a while. Just noticing she’s…growing up.

Whatever man…so where we brewing it up tonight?

I don’t care…So, she drives now too.

Yes…Seriously man, stop hitting on my sister.

Whoa, stop right there. I’m not hitting on your sister. You’re my best friend. I wouldn’t do that…Besides, I can’t help it if your sister was giving me that look.

What look?

That “I’m totally vibing you at this moment” look.

Bullshit!

*Sister walks in*

What’s up guys.

Oh nothing much…what’s up with you little lady?

…not cool

Haha...Nothing, just baking a rack of cookies. Want some?

No, that’s alright, thanks.

I would love some. Need some help with your rack?

No, I’m fine.

*walks to kitchen*

I agree

DUDE!

Fucking stop with that shit already!

Ok Ok…that last bit was just a joke. She set herself up for that one. But, she does bake some good cookies.

Yeah, they are pretty good.

In fact, I think I’m going to go grub one out with your sister right now.

What!

Kidding…but seriously, she’s hot…and grew some tits. Admit it.

Get out.

It’s natural!

OUT!

Ha…I’ll call you later.

Fine…I got a new cell number.

I’ll just call the house…BYE MICHELLE!

BYE!!

�

View Article

The dreaded phone call.

Fri, 11 May 2007 17:19:23 -0400

It's the end of school and your parents want to see how well you did and just want to talk to you because the "miss you." So, here's the typical conversation.

Mom
Me

Hello

Hey Kevin, Just calling to see how your week went.

It went by alright, just glad school is done.

That’s good, how did finals go?

…So what are you doing for Mothers Day.

Your dad’s taking me out to dinner. How did you do one your finals?

Well, I got something for you in the mail as we speak.

Kevin, your finals, how did they go?

They were alright. I think I did well in ISDS.

What about physics?

What about you shut up about physics mom…

What was that sweetie?

Nothing; Physics was alright, I studied a long time but, I guess I studied the wrong chapter. My professor in physics is an asshole though so who knows. He’s dumb; I didn’t like him at all. He would brag about failing kids.

What do you think you got in the class?

I don’t know; grades haven’t come out yet. Probably a B or a C…or a D.

What about geology?

Well, I think the whole class did bad on that one so I think the curve should be pretty big.

And if they didn’t?

I�don’t know mom. Stop asking so many fucking questions!!

Excuse me.

Sorry mom, just stressed…from all the studying….I love you.

Kevin, we didn’t send you to LSU to slack off in school.

Mom, with all due respect, you never went to college, and dad wasn’t the best student either.

Kevin!

I said with all due respect!

Your fathers educational background is irrelevant. Besides, your sister graduated in 3 years.

…in communications.

Still, it was only 3 years.

Alright, I’ll do better next semester. I’m taking easier classes.

When do you plan on coming home.

I don’t know, I have work.

Alright well, I let you go. Love you.

You too, Laters.com

What?

Bye.

�

View Article

An open letter to the Asian Guy who took the last PC with AutoCAD

Wed, 02 May 2007 21:56:32 -0400

<table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Dear Asian Guy who took the last PC with AutoCAD,

�� I hate you with an unrivaled passion now. Of all the spaces to “look at your schedule,” you choose the last open computer station with CAD. You see, in 12 hours, I have a little project due worth half of my grade and I kind of need that computer, but no. You just had to login to your e-mail account and start reading the newspaper. That would be fine if the paper wasn’t on NEWSPRINT asshole! You know, the internet, is finally catching up and you can actually read the news, ON THE COMPUTER! Before I forget, please forgive me for asking if you were using the computer or just sitting there, reading the paper, back turned to the double screens, with the screensaver going, ME SO MUHRA-FUCKRING SORREE. Do you understand that!
�� Seriously dude, there was at least 10 Mac stations open which were perfectly suited for your obviously, desperate needs for a computer yet you take the only computer with the program I need. I know you don’t want to sit with all the English comp majors who are writing their paper on why people like me should be nicer to cock-sucks like yourself, but if you were planning to bury your nose in black and white ink, why would it have mattered? Besides, I fucking hate Macs.
�� Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are officially on my shit list ahead of Nick Saban, Carlos Mencia, and Osama bin Laden. Congrats.

��
Go Fuck Yourself,

Kevin P.

View Article

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:14937"><img src="http://6.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/4/2/collegehumor.d2d3edb420b6e7aeef369e826f389dc6.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:14937">Kevin P. [Retired]</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:258"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 0 likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1729511">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />