Pictured here: The word 'Sexy' written in Times New Roman, and that's no coincidence.

"It's fierce, it's thin, and it's in", said Banks late Tuesday afternoon. "What we're seeing in font trends these days is a throw back to some of the earlier typeface fonts of the 1980's. Fat fonts like Arial and Courier are yesterday's news. Today's diva types up her self-involved and boring blog in the timeless and skinny Times New Roman font."

In a movement that's taking the nation by storm, nerds across the country are attempting to wrestle back control over the N word, that being the word 'NERD'.

Though once considered social laughing stocks, nerds have have had what can only be referred to as a technological resurgence. As computers continue to become an integral part of our lives, people are increasingly spending inordinate amounts of time on websites such as facebook.com and digg.com -- and the nerds behind these sites are becoming mini-celebrities. Today, most 15 year old kids are as familiar with Mark Zuckerberg as they are with Paris Hilton and Lebron James.

That said, it has almost become 'cool' to be a 'nerd', and if you think that Nerds would applaud this transition you'd be wrong.

Many nerds have grown angry as the 'n word' continues to be inappropriately used in the media. The word 'nerd' has traditionally been used to poke fun at the technologically inclined and socially inept members of society. But over time, nerds have grown to embrace their status and have become remarkably protective over who can use the n-word and under what circumstances.

"I'm tired of it", said James Gene, a 24 year old nerd from Brooklyn. "My whole childhood I was pushed around for being a nerd. People made fun of me and laughed at me in high school for never talking to girls and for being interested in computers. Now, I've embraced being a nerd and I'm proud to say that I was and continue to be one. And then I turn on the TV and see celebrities tossing the n-word around like it's no big deal."

"I agree", said Steve Rigleman, a lifelong nerd from San Fransisco, "I'm watching Leno the other day and this gorgeous model is on talking about how when she was a kid, she was really awkward and a huge nerd. Never mind the fact that when she was 14 she was off modeling in Paris."

Abuse of the n-word has even seeped into the workplace.

Rigelman, who works for a consulting firm, said that one of his co-workers always tries to play up the fact that he USED to be a nerd in order to get girls. "This guy really ticks me off. Just the other day he was telling an attractive female co-worker that he used to be the biggest nerd in high school and that he only had 3 girlfriends during his teens. THREE GIRLFRIENDS?! In high school I only had three friends TOTAL!! And I never even talked to a girl until I got to college."

According to John Lee, president of the NAACP (Nerd Association for the Advancement of Computer Programmers), this isn't the first time non-nerds have treaded onto nerd territory.

"Non-nerds exploiting nerd culture to their advantage is nothing new. In the late 1990's, black rimmed glasses became very chic. But historically, only nerds wore black rimmed glasses. This trend did not go unnoticed by nerds. In fact, many nerds continue to view stylish black rimmed glasses as being downright inflammatory, insulting, and offensive."

According to most nerds, a non-nerd wearing black rimmed glasses is the equivalent to saying, "Hey, look at me! I'm so cool and good looking that I can even look good while wearing nerd glasses!"

"What's next", said an anonymous nerd via twitter, "the pocket protector?"

Some people, however, don't see what the big deal is. Mark Tilson, a 20 year old college student from Santa Cruz, isn't a nerd but doesn't see why he shouldn't be able to utter the n-word. "Look", said Tilson, "my best friend is a nerd. I grew up around nerds and I really like the culture. "

"This is an argument we hear often", said Jason Lee of the NAACP, "but what people don't realize is that being a nerd isn't just about being into computers. It's a state of mind. A lifestyle. What it really is is a badge of honor, and we want to make sure that the people who use the n-word are the people who have earned the right to say it."

According to noted Psychologist Michelle Senk, the word nerd has very powerful connotations. "Though the word 'nerd' is just a simple 4 letter word, it has a very deep meaning and we should be wary of who is allowed to say it. A few nerd jokes might not seem so harmful, but before you know it, nerds are getting wedgied in gym class and are having their books knocked out of their hands as they walk to class."

Often times, non-nerds refer to themselves as nerds as a way to deflect attention away from an interest of theirs that they deem embarrassing. For example, it is quite common for people to exclaim, "I think I'm gonna skip out on that party and take it easy and watch a movie this weekend. Yeah, I'm a nerd." WRONG! A real nerd wouldn't have even been invited to that party and wouldn't even have the option of going out in the first place.

Ironically, however, the nerds are fighting back. Well, sort of.

"If I have to hear one more athletic guy talk about how he's such a nerd because he likes the show LOST, I'm gonna lose it", said David Finkelstein, a 19 year old college student at M.I.T. "It's like me calling myself an athlete because I enjoy watching basketball... which I don't. "

A job interview can be a very scary experience, and the ability to handle yourself under pressure can be the difference between getting the job and begging for change on the street. That's why you should approach a job interview like a Ninja. Instead of sitting there and answering questions like an idiot, why not take control of the situation and show your potential employer that you have the minerals to stay cool under pressure.

For example: Most people turn off their cell-phones during job interviews out of fear that it might go off. This signifies weakness. Instead, use the cellphone toyour advantage like so -- If you have an interview scheduled for 11:30 in the morning, keep your cellphone on with the ringer at the maximum volume. Tell a buddy of yours to call you at 11:40. When the phone rings, you can now handle this "surprise" interruption with ease. First, politely apologize to the interviewer as you silence your ringer. Second, make light of the situation with a sarcastic comment such as, "Well at least we weren't discussing anything important!" The interviewer will appreciate your sense of humor and will take note of the way you calmly and cooly handled what for most people would have been an extremely nerve racking situation.

Tidbits:

Why call at 11:40?  By 11:40, most of the standard interview pleasantries will have already been discussed and it is more likely that the 'meat' of the interviewis already underway. Calling too soon might undermine the entire operation.

What ringer should I use? It's up to you, but try and think outside the box. Remember, this is a job interview, be creative!

Kristin: Hi Mr. Spitzer

Elliott: Haha, please, my Dad is Mr. Spitzer. You can just call me Governor Spitzer.

Kristin: Hehe, sure thing Governor.

Elliott: Now you're sure this whole thing is uh.. umm., just gonna stay between you and me, right?

Kristin: Hehe, of course silly. I'm 6 diamonds, and one of those "D's" stands for 'Discreet'.

Elliott: Heh, okay. That works for me.

[Spitzer akwardly leans in and attempts to kiss her]

Kristin: Whoa, slow down there Governor. First we gotta take care of the payment. I'm 4,000 dollars an hour.

Elliott: Oh right, my mistake. Okay, so 4,000 dollars an hour. That sounds reasonable. Can I pay on a pro-rata basis? If I'm done in 30 seconds, can I just give you 100 bucks or so?

Kristin: Sorry sexy, it's a flat rate, but I'm well worth every penny... or should i say diamond? hehe

Elliott: Okay, let me wire you the money [takes out his blackberry]. Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's initiate the intercourse.

Kristin: wow, you're such a dirty talker

Elliott: [thinks to himself] "Stillll got it!"

Kristin: So what do you have in mind? Before we get busy, I should just let you know that I'm kind of like Lebron James..

Elliott: What do you mean?

Kristin: I'm quite talented at a number of positions, hehe

Elliott: That's good to know because I have a special request

Kristin: What is it? The legistlative leglock? The gubenetorial crane? The Harry S Truman?

Elliott: No no no, none of those. This is something different.. Something WILD

[Elliott whispers something in Kristen's ear]

Kristin: Are you out of your mind? You want me to do THAT? Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?

Elliott: Come on, I think it'd be fun, and I'm a realllly good tipper..

Kristin: I'm sorry, but that's just not safe and I don't feel comfortable doingthat. Having sex in the shower might sound like a good idea, but over 200 people a year are injured in shower-related mishaps. We couldeasily slip and fall and break a limb.

Elliott: Okay okay, we'll do it your way...

[she proceeds to unbutton his shirt]

Elliott: You ready B?

Kristin: Oh yeah...

[15 minutes of awkward governor sex ensue. The 2 are now lying face up in bed together]

Elliott: Wow, that was amazing.

Kristin: Thanks, it is kinda my job.

Elliott: No not that. Your voice... it almost sounds majestic.

Kristin: Really?!! Wow. It's funny you say that because my real aspiration is to be a singer. Hey, I'll give you the link to my myspace and you can check me out.

[Kristen gets up from the bed to get a pen and paper. She's only wearing panties and a bra]

Elliott: Hey, I think I'm going to call you K-mart from now on

Kristin: Huh? Why?

Elliott: Because you're clothes are half off!

Kristin: [pretends to laugh and remembers why guys like this need to go to prostitutes in the first place]

Elliott: [continues his K-mart analogy to himself and thinks "and because you also service 2,000 people a day"]

Kristin: Shoot. I can't find a pen, how bout I call you later and let you know?

Elliott: Sure, just don't forget to dial 9 first!

[Kristin and Elliott share a hearty laugh]

Where are they now?

After resigning over the prositution scandal, Elliott Spitzer's wife divorced him 2 months later. Elliott currently stars on VH1's newest reality dating show "Spitz or Swallows" where he attempts to find true love.

Kristin is currently starring in the 4th season of Flavor of Love.

A common way to measure a Presidential candidates popularity is the percentage of people would like to have a beer with that candidate. A recent poll of 1500 college students reveals that there will, in fact, be a woman in the White House in 2008. But it's not who you might think..

The future president thinking about foreign policy

Hey everyone, I just returned home from my trip abroad and wanted to let you all know how it went. Wait a minute, my email inbox just exploded with 50 new emails. Lemme quickly go through them and then I'll catch up with you guys:

WHOA. I know I promised to tell you all about my trip, but something amazing is happening. I just received anemail from a long lost relative of mine from Nigeria who claims that I stand to inherit a large sum of money. I have to admit that I was skeptical at first since I'm obviously not from Nigeria. As you all know, I'm from Chad, and although the two countries border each other,they are vastly different both socially and economically.

Anyways, a distant cousin of mine was recently murdered at the Nigerian Embassy in a coup d'etat and he left all his money to me. But as luck would have it, the money is tied up in tons of redtape. I can, however, hire someone to work through the legal entanglements and have the money wired directly to my bank account. I just have to send over some bank information so that the transfer goes smoothly. I know it seems risky,but my my relative is risking his life in order to help me out, so worrying over sending over some bank information seems a bit petty in comparison.

Well, if you can get over THAT excitment, allow me to tell you about my trip to Costa Rica. We flew into San Jose last Sunday and were greeted with 90 degree weather. It was beautiful. In fact, OH SHIT, HOLD UP!! I just got an email for a pill promoting a"machine gun man muscle." As you all know, my last 3 relationships ended because I was impotent, so this email is my second blessing of the day. The email says that "women are laughing at me" -- tell me about it brother! So I only need to send in 80 dollars for a 2 month prescription. Done and done! Anyways, back to the story. We landed in San Jose and decide to head right to the beach and get our surf on.

WAIT! Okay, I realize this is the third time I've interrupted this email but the Gods are smiling down upon me today. Check this out. As you all know, I was laid off 3 weeks ago and have been struggling to find a job. But I just received an email that reads: "In a recent review of online resumes, yours stood out and I believe you might be what my client needs. Alpine Access is hiring a Business Development Manager and I would like to invite you to accept the position."

A business position? For me? A high school drop out?! Wow, I might have to start leaving town more often :) The job is pretty much guaranteed. I get 80 grand a year (300% raise!) and tons of benefits. I. Am.Utterly. Speechless.

Okay, so I'm not sure if it's related to my new job, but I just now received an email invitation to join "The Winners Club". When I clicked on the link my computer started acting funny. Hmm.. I wonder if it's a glitch on their end. I'll have to ask about that when I start next week.

Hey, this is odd. I was just offered another position as a "Senior New Media and GraphicDesigner." Aside from the fact that I'm not qualified, I'm a little bit perplexed because I've never heard of the company and when I go their website, the URL is comprised of a bunch of numbers. Maybe it's a pattern like on LOST? I don't know, I'll have to follow up and call them. I guess I'm just being paranoid. I'm sure they just got my name from the same place the first company got my name. Too bad for them though, I already gots me a job :)

I know thats a lot to takein, so thank you for staying with me if you're still reading. Now Iknow you guys are all wondering what's going on with my lady situation.Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but me and Michelle broke up while in Costa Rica. We had a great run together, but it just wasn't right, and we both knew it was time to end it. But don't worry, I just got an email from a hot girl (trust me, I saw her pics ;-) saying that she saw my online profile and thinks I'm sexy. She sent me a link toher webpage and lets just say that the pics don't lie! Long story short, I only had to pay $29.95 (that's chump change considering my inheritance) so that I could chat with her. So far she seems really nice, but who wears a bikini indoors? But hey, I'm not complaining.

HAHA.I just checked my spam and I had an email saying "Enjoy an exciting after-party after the party - with your large gun". What idiots. Firstof all, an after-party after the party is already like 7am and no one parties so late into the morning. And second of all, I don't own a gun. Obviously SPAM! Some people sure are idiots.

Anyways, I know I didn't tell you about my trip in detail, but I'll have to let ya'll know the scoop soon. Sorry for blabbing on, but it's just been such an amazing day, what with my new penis pills, my new job, and my new girl!

talk soon,

Graham

With the NFL season already done and over with, theNew England Patriots are once again the center of attention as a new Spygate scandal has been uncovered. In a shocking revelation, the investigation into Patriots spying activities will expand to includenot only the New England coaching staff, but the players as well.Earlier today, reliable sources within the Patriots organization confirmed that throughout the season, illegal video tapes of otherteams playing football were not only made available to the New England coaching staff, but to each and every member of the football team.

These "Game Tapes", as they're called, allowed the Patriotsto witness first-hand many of the plays run by their opponents. Every Monday morning, a tape of the previous Sunday's games would arrive at Foxboro under lock and key. Throughout the week, players and coacheswould study these 'game tapes' to better learn about their next opponent. Players across the NFL expressed their surprise and disgust at the news.

LaDainian Tomlinson, whose San Diego Chargers lost to thePatriots, was outraged. "I'm not surprised one bit. Even though I didn't play in that playoff game, I could tell through my visor that something was a little bit off. Every time we ran the ball, the Patriots tried to tackle us. Every time we threw the ball, they triedto intercept it. The fact that they had first-hand knowledge of ourgame plan, that we wanted to not only rush the ball, but pass it aswell... well that just calls into question their entire season." Thissentiment was echoed by Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry - "I'm outraged! I never watch game film, so when I heard about this my jaw dropped. I damn near dropped my gat."

In cahoots with the Patriots are many of the major newsnetworks. NBC, ESPN, and Fox have all been named as co-conspirators asa result of filming football games and making them available to thegeneral public. It goes without saying that by watching their opponents play football games, the Patriots were able to better understand their opponent's strengths and weakness'. A sneaky move, to be sure, but notsurprising coming from coaching genius Bill Belichick, a noted footballstrategist and hooded sweatshirt connoisseur.

As news of this story broke at the Pro Bowl this pastSunday, players weren't hesitant to voice their opinions. Always willing to talk, Cowboys wideout Terrell Owens had some choice wordsfor the media as he munched on some Pop Secret popcorn. "This is not about Bill", said Owens with tears streaming down from behind his sunglasses as his voice trembled with emotion. "You guys can point thefinger at him, you can talk about the family vacation he took lastMarch, and if you do that, it's really unfair." Calls to Patriots quarterback Tom Brady went unanswered, presumably because he was having sex with his hot girlfriend. Eli Manning, however, got back to us immediately, but he didn't have anything interesting to add to thestory.

As this story continues to break, it's sad to saythat many of the Patriots great accomplishments will now be tarnished and diminished in the history books. Many will call them cheaters whowere willing to do whatever it took to get to the top, and if thatinvolved watching tapes of other teams playing Football on Sunday afternoons, then all be damned. And with reports surfacing that RandyMoss often attempted to outrun defensive backs and out maneuver them via onfield trickery, this once proud dynasty will have a lot of questionsto answer.

I was at the supermarket yesterday and was dumb founded that SwissCheese is expensive as hell. A pack of American singles goes for about $2.50 at the local supermarket while a pack of Swiss goes for over 4 bucks! I didn't go to a fancy college, or any college at all for that matter, but isn't it obvious that Swiss cheese should be the cheapestkind of cheese? Just think of all those holes, it's less cheese per piece.

Think about it. One piece of swiss cheeese proably has only 3/4 the amount of cheese as any other kind of cheese. It's an outrage, and I'm pissed off about it. People always talk about how the Swiss are so great, how their chocolate is so tasty and how they're a neutral nation that doesn't take any side during a war. Well of course not! They're too busy living it up on all of their cheese profits that they scam out of the rest of the world to actually take time out of their day to pickup a rifle and head to battle.

So what good are the Swiss if they can't back you up in battle? Well, they do make the Swiss Army Knife, which I imagine was originally crafted to give cheesemakers more flexibility in the types of holes they could cut.

Look at all those tools. Imagine how many holes they've cut over the years. With a weapon like that, it's a good thing they're neutral!

And don't think I'm just mad about cheese. I've also noticed that skimpy lingerie is just as expensive as any other piece of clothing. I don't have a girlfriend or anything, but I do get the Victorias Secretcatalogue and I know that that stuff costs a lot of money. In fact, alot of the clothes at Victorias Secret are comprised of very littlematerial, yet for whatever reason, people continue to shop there. It's outrageous! And I know what you're all thinking so let me pre-emptively answer your questions right now. Yes, I myself have ordered some lingerie from Victorias Secret. And yes, I'm a male. And yes, I wearthe lingerie I purchase. And no, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Sometimes I want to feel sexy too, and the last time Ichecked, that's not considered a crime.

Anyways, I'm off on a tanget here. Oh yes, the cheese. The hole-ycheese. All I can say is that there's nothing holy about paying a 30%premium for a food that's 25% missing. Now put that in yer pipe andsmoke it ya hooligan.

World traveling adoption superstar, Angelina Jolie, made quite theblunder last week when she adopted, unknowingly, an American child.

"It was an honest mistake," said Angelina, "his dark compexion made me think he was from the Sudan, but it turns out his parents were both born and raised right here in LA."

"It's like having an authentic Louis Vutton bag", explained Jolie."Sure everyone has kids, but mine are original Africans, not cheap knockoffs."