Yoni's Articles

Stripper names are notoriously generic, fake, and funny all at the sametime, i.e 'Rainbow', 'Angel', 'Peaches'. But picking a stripper name isn't as easy as it seems, as evidenced by these horrible stripper introductions below.

1. "Hey everybody, quit your grinnin and drop your linen.. because coming up to the stage next is a girl who always likes her clothes HALF OFF. Oh yeah, you know who I'm talking about. She comes....... in the mail every month. She's hot. She's sexy... Give it up for COUPON!!"

The ladies especially love coupon

3. "Coming straight out of South America is a Columbian beauty who you wouldn't mind waking up to every morning. She'll keep you on your toes... and on your back with her sweet and fresh aroma. Ladies and gentleman, give it up for COFFEE BEAN!!"

Pictured here: Coffee Bean relaxing on a day off

4. "Our next dancer sure knows how to move, and she'll put you in a daze when you see her hips shake from side to side. Let's give it up for U-HAUL!"

Pictured here: U-haul and her twin sister Ryder

5. "Can you smell the sex in the air? Oh yeah, get ready to get out of your seat and make some noise for a girl who knows how to get it on. Give it up for WHOOPEE CUSHION!"

6. "Is that something in your pocket, or are you just excited for this next dancer? Coming to the stage next is a girl who loves get it it on on the couch. She's hot. She's kinky, and she has a lot of powerful friends. Give it up for POCKET CHANGE!"

7. "Our next girl definitely knows how to get busy. And gentelman, if you know how to press the right buttons and offer to pick up the TAB, then you may be lucky enough to go home with this hottie. There's a new kind of MILF in town, fellas... Give it up for MICROCHIP!!"

Pictured here: Microchip at a Google recruiting event

Ever notice how some girls are haters? Do you find it extremely annoying? If so, you are not alone.

Girls will hate on other girls and not think twice about it, and I've never understood why girls tend to do this, but its a very big turn off. Some common phrases one might hear around a female hater:

"Oh my gosh, look at what that girl's wearing, is she trying to be a ho?"

"Her boobs are so fake"

"I bet she looks ugly without makeup on."

"I hate her."

Did you know that there are many different kinds of haters out there? Yes, its true!

THE CLEVER HATER: This type of girl will hate on other girls in a roundabout way. She will pick out a girl in a bar who is mildly attractive, and build her up with amazing compliments. "That girl in the red is like a super model!" In turn, whoever she is with will respond with "What?! She's not that pretty." For you see, the clever hater fiendishly attempts to turn you into the hater! Clever? Indeed. Reprehnsible? No doubt!

THE JEALOUS HATER: This type of girl is jealous of, and will therefore hate on, any girl that gets a lot of attention at a bar. Jealous haters have been known to remark "You know hes just talking to her cuz shes a slut." A Jealous Hater will see a Nun talking to a hot guy and say, "You know he's only talking to her cuz she puts out." Harsh, but some girls are that jealous. It's true.

THE DEVIOUS HATER: This type of girl focuses most of her hating energies on her own friends. Yes, such girls do exist! Girls will be mad if one of their friends is having more luck in the man department than they are, so they start hating! Why? I have no fucking clue but guys, on the other hand, are the complete opposites. If a guy is having no luck with the ladies, and his friends are out there mackin it up, the guy will be like "hey, what's your secret!? What am I doing wrong? Gimme some pointers bro!" A guy will see his friends on the mountain top and says "Give me a hand!" A Devious Hater sees one of her friends on the mountain top and the jealousy kicks in. She starts spreading gossip like the plague, and praying that her friend falls down from that glorious mountain top.

THE SELF HATER a.ka. THE FISHER: This type of girl makes fun of herself only to hear reassurances from other people that she is, in fact, pretty etc. This type of hater is also known as THE FISHER - as fishing for compliments is how they get down and boogie. A Self Hater might say something like, "I'm really just not that pretty." First of all, who says that out of the blue? Second of all, it's obvious that its only being said so that whoever she is with can say, "What are you talking about, you're gorgeous!", to which The Self Hater might respond "No I'm not". This little exchange can go on for hours, days even. Sadly, these girls require constant reassurance from others to maintain their self esteem.

Ralph Nader, the champion of consumer safety has decided to enter the NFL draft, and some of the top NFL prospects are none too pleased."It's a damn shame man," said Matt Ryan of Boston College, "he's runing my chances of being drafted first, or even second."

Not surpringly, Nader is not a household football name and, in fact, hehasn't even touched a pigskin in 24 years. But with a lot of grassroot support, football analysts speculate that he could go high in the first round.

What position would the lanky 6'4 Nader play?

According to ESPN analyst Ron Jaworski, Nader would fit in nicely on the defensive side of the ball. "What I love about this guy is that he's tenacious, a complete bulldog. He's a consumer safety advocate and that's exactly where I see him causing the most damage, at the safety position."