Pictured Here: Clinton in happier times, with basketball advisor Magic Johnson

Terry McAuliffe, chairman of Clinton's Presidential Campaign Committee was incensed. "3 on 3, first team to 11 wins, and losers walk. Those were the rules and everyone knows it." Everyone except for Hillary apparently.

With her team down 10-9, Clinton posted up and scored with a sweet and soft baby hook. With the game tied at 10-10, you could feel the intensity on the court. Even Bill Clinton,who was eating a hotdog and getting a blowjob in the stands at the time, put down his copy of the New York Times and watched intently.

Onthe next play, a Clinton staffer passed the ball to Hillary who slipped in her high heels and turned the ball over. One of her teamates, who wished to remain anonymous, was visibly pissed off. "Who the fuck wears blue high heel pumps when they play Basketball?"

McAuliffe andhis team now had possession of the ball. With the score tied 10-10,McAuliffe took the inbounds pass, crossed Clinton over, and drained a20 footer to give his team the victory.

But Clinton didn't get to where she is by giving up so easily.

Withthe game clearly over, Clinton refused to leave the court claiming that "you have to win by 2!" Even though that wasn't part of the rules, the other team gave in and decided to keep on playing.

8 minutes later, the teams were neck and neck in a 14-14 shootout. After anotherClinton turnover, McAuliffe once again found himself with an opportunity to make history. He passed the ball into the post, and the ball was passed right back to him. He then took a step back behind the 3-point line and launched a high-arcing rainbow that hit nothing but net. He dropped to the floor and raised his hands high into the air ashe lay there exasperated, breathing heavily. After a 45 minute slugfest, his team emerged victorious with a 16-14 win.

Or did they?

Once again, Clinton put a damper on the celebration and refused toleave the court. "The score is 15-14, we're not playing with 2's. Every shot is only worth 1 point." McAuliffe and his teamates pled with Clinton, pointing out that they always play with 2-pointers. Clinton dismissed their arguments, called the game a tie, and left the gym in an angry rush, dragging a pantless Bill Clinton behind her.

5. Which of these characters would you add as a friend on facebook?

6. How cool was Ranch?

The ladies especially love coupon

3. "Coming straight out of South America is a Columbian beauty who you wouldn't mind waking up to every morning. She'll keep you on your toes... and on your back with her sweet and fresh aroma. Ladies and gentleman, give it up for COFFEE BEAN!!"

Pictured here: Coffee Bean relaxing on a day off

4. "Our next dancer sure knows how to move, and she'll put you in a daze when you see her hips shake from side to side. Let's give it up for U-HAUL!"

Pictured here: U-haul and her twin sister Ryder

5. "Can you smell the sex in the air? Oh yeah, get ready to get out of your seat and make some noise for a girl who knows how to get it on. Give it up for WHOOPEE CUSHION!"

6. "Is that something in your pocket, or are you just excited for this next dancer? Coming to the stage next is a girl who loves get it it on on the couch. She's hot. She's kinky, and she has a lot of powerful friends. Give it up for POCKET CHANGE!"

7. "Our next girl definitely knows how to get busy. And gentelman, if you know how to press the right buttons and offer to pick up the TAB, then you may be lucky enough to go home with this hottie. There's a new kind of MILF in town, fellas... Give it up for MICROCHIP!!"

Pictured here: Microchip at a Google recruiting event

Girls will hate on other girls and not think twice about it, and I've never understood why girls tend to do this, but its a very big turn off. Some common phrases one might hear around a female hater:

"Oh my gosh, look at what that girl's wearing, is she trying to be a ho?"

"Her boobs are so fake"

"I bet she looks ugly without makeup on."

"I hate her."

Did you know that there are many different kinds of haters out there? Yes, its true!

THE CLEVER HATER: This type of girl will hate on other girls in a roundabout way. She will pick out a girl in a bar who is mildly attractive, and build her up with amazing compliments. "That girl in the red is like a super model!" In turn, whoever she is with will respond with "What?! She's not that pretty." For you see, the clever hater fiendishly attempts to turn you into the hater! Clever? Indeed. Reprehnsible? No doubt!

THE JEALOUS HATER: This type of girl is jealous of, and will therefore hate on, any girl that gets a lot of attention at a bar. Jealous haters have been known to remark "You know hes just talking to her cuz shes a slut." A Jealous Hater will see a Nun talking to a hot guy and say, "You know he's only talking to her cuz she puts out." Harsh, but some girls are that jealous. It's true.

THE DEVIOUS HATER: This type of girl focuses most of her hating energies on her own friends. Yes, such girls do exist! Girls will be mad if one of their friends is having more luck in the man department than they are, so they start hating! Why? I have no fucking clue but guys, on the other hand, are the complete opposites. If a guy is having no luck with the ladies, and his friends are out there mackin it up, the guy will be like "hey, what's your secret!? What am I doing wrong? Gimme some pointers bro!" A guy will see his friends on the mountain top and says "Give me a hand!" A Devious Hater sees one of her friends on the mountain top and the jealousy kicks in. She starts spreading gossip like the plague, and praying that her friend falls down from that glorious mountain top.

THE SELF HATER a.ka. THE FISHER: This type of girl makes fun of herself only to hear reassurances from other people that she is, in fact, pretty etc. This type of hater is also known as THE FISHER - as fishing for compliments is how they get down and boogie. A Self Hater might say something like, "I'm really just not that pretty." First of all, who says that out of the blue? Second of all, it's obvious that its only being said so that whoever she is with can say, "What are you talking about, you're gorgeous!", to which The Self Hater might respond "No I'm not". This little exchange can go on for hours, days even. Sadly, these girls require constant reassurance from others to maintain their self esteem.

According to ESPN analyst Ron Jaworski, Nader would fit in nicely on the defensive side of the ball. "What I love about this guy is that he's tenacious, a complete bulldog. He's a consumer safety advocate and that's exactly where I see him causing the most damage, at the safety position."

"Has she slept around a lot?"

"Nah dude, she's a George Washington"

Thomas Jefferson - A tramp who's only worth 5 bucks.

"Dude, she's nasty, a total Thomas Jefferson."

Lyndon B. Johnson, a.k.a LBJ - Slang for a penis.

Bill Clinton- Smoking a cigar after it's been placed down south on a woman. The"Bill Clinton" is the only maneuver actually invented by the Presidentit's named after.

The Abraham Lincoln - A sexual act where one of the parties wears a top hat.

Herbert Hoover - A woman adept at giving oral sex. "She's a keeper man, a total Herbert Hoover."

The Grover Cleveland- Having sex with a woman on 2 non-consecutive occassions. For example,if you hook up with a girl in September and in July, and have had sex in the interim, then that girl is known as a "Grover Cleveland." Many Grover Clevelands tend to be Thomas Jeffersons.

Richard Nixon - Refers to when a man is caught with a Prostitute. Often times, the man will exclaim "I am not a crook!"

Ronald Regan - Sex that is so good you forget where you are.

"He's so boring, but a total Ronald Regan in the sack."

Jimmy Carter - A cheap date.

"Think you'll get lucky tonight?"

"Yeah, she's a Jimmy Carter, toss her a few peanuts and she'll be all over the LBJ."

William H. Taft - A person who has sex with a fat woman, a.k.a. a 'dragon slayer', or the act of having sex in a bathtub.

Martin Van Buren - Anal Sex.

"My girlfriend still doesn't want to try the Martin Van Buren."

F.D.R - Having sex with someone in a wheelchair, not to be confused with the "Lt. Dan."

Warren G. Harding - Getting so drunk that you sleep with a Thomas Jefferson and give her the MartinVan Buren.

Mildred Filmore - Kissing a woman's kneecap.

"I totally gave her the Mildred Filmore last night."

"You're a loser."

Theodore Roosevelt - A well endowed man.

William Harrison - A guy who doesn't last long in the sack.

George W. Bush- A guy who lies to get his High School girlfriend in the sack, sleepswith her, and then doesn't know what to do once she gets pregnant.

"Trust me, you can't get pregnant the first time."

Pictured here: The word 'Sexy' written in Times New Roman, and that's no coincidence.

"It's fierce, it's thin, and it's in", said Banks late Tuesday afternoon. "What we're seeing in font trends these days is a throw back to some of the earlier typeface fonts of the 1980's. Fat fonts like Arial and Courier are yesterday's news. Today's diva types up her self-involved and boring blog in the timeless and skinny Times New Roman font."

Tidbits:

Why call at 11:40?  By 11:40, most of the standard interview pleasantries will have already been discussed and it is more likely that the 'meat' of the interviewis already underway. Calling too soon might undermine the entire operation.

What ringer should I use? It's up to you, but try and think outside the box. Remember, this is a job interview, be creative!

Kristin: Hi Mr. Spitzer

Elliott: Haha, please, my Dad is Mr. Spitzer. You can just call me Governor Spitzer.

Kristin: Hehe, sure thing Governor.

Elliott: Now you're sure this whole thing is uh.. umm., just gonna stay between you and me, right?

Kristin: Hehe, of course silly. I'm 6 diamonds, and one of those "D's" stands for 'Discreet'.

Elliott: Heh, okay. That works for me.

[Spitzer akwardly leans in and attempts to kiss her]

Kristin: Whoa, slow down there Governor. First we gotta take care of the payment. I'm 4,000 dollars an hour.

Elliott: Oh right, my mistake. Okay, so 4,000 dollars an hour. That sounds reasonable. Can I pay on a pro-rata basis? If I'm done in 30 seconds, can I just give you 100 bucks or so?

Kristin: Sorry sexy, it's a flat rate, but I'm well worth every penny... or should i say diamond? hehe

Elliott: Okay, let me wire you the money [takes out his blackberry]. Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's initiate the intercourse.

Kristin: wow, you're such a dirty talker

Elliott: [thinks to himself] "Stillll got it!"

Kristin: So what do you have in mind? Before we get busy, I should just let you know that I'm kind of like Lebron James..

Elliott: What do you mean?

Kristin: I'm quite talented at a number of positions, hehe

Elliott: That's good to know because I have a special request

Kristin: What is it? The legistlative leglock? The gubenetorial crane? The Harry S Truman?

Elliott: No no no, none of those. This is something different.. Something WILD

[Elliott whispers something in Kristen's ear]

Kristin: Are you out of your mind? You want me to do THAT? Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?

Elliott: Come on, I think it'd be fun, and I'm a realllly good tipper..

Kristin: I'm sorry, but that's just not safe and I don't feel comfortable doingthat. Having sex in the shower might sound like a good idea, but over 200 people a year are injured in shower-related mishaps. We couldeasily slip and fall and break a limb.

Elliott: Okay okay, we'll do it your way...

[she proceeds to unbutton his shirt]

Elliott: You ready B?

Kristin: Oh yeah...

[15 minutes of awkward governor sex ensue. The 2 are now lying face up in bed together]

Elliott: Wow, that was amazing.

Kristin: Thanks, it is kinda my job.

Elliott: No not that. Your voice... it almost sounds majestic.

Kristin: Really?!! Wow. It's funny you say that because my real aspiration is to be a singer. Hey, I'll give you the link to my myspace and you can check me out.

[Kristen gets up from the bed to get a pen and paper. She's only wearing panties and a bra]

Elliott: Hey, I think I'm going to call you K-mart from now on

Kristin: Huh? Why?

Elliott: Because you're clothes are half off!

Kristin: [pretends to laugh and remembers why guys like this need to go to prostitutes in the first place]

Elliott: [continues his K-mart analogy to himself and thinks "and because you also service 2,000 people a day"]

Kristin: Shoot. I can't find a pen, how bout I call you later and let you know?

Elliott: Sure, just don't forget to dial 9 first!

[Kristin and Elliott share a hearty laugh]

Where are they now?

After resigning over the prositution scandal, Elliott Spitzer's wife divorced him 2 months later. Elliott currently stars on VH1's newest reality dating show "Spitz or Swallows" where he attempts to find true love.

Kristin is currently starring in the 4th season of Flavor of Love.

A common way to measure a Presidential candidates popularity is the percentage of people would like to have a beer with that candidate. A recent poll of 1500 college students reveals that there will, in fact, be a woman in the White House in 2008. But it's not who you might think..

The future president thinking about foreign policy

WHOA. I know I promised to tell you all about my trip, but something amazing is happening. I just received anemail from a long lost relative of mine from Nigeria who claims that I stand to inherit a large sum of money. I have to admit that I was skeptical at first since I'm obviously not from Nigeria. As you all know, I'm from Chad, and although the two countries border each other,they are vastly different both socially and economically.

Anyways, a distant cousin of mine was recently murdered at the Nigerian Embassy in a coup d'etat and he left all his money to me. But as luck would have it, the money is tied up in tons of redtape. I can, however, hire someone to work through the legal entanglements and have the money wired directly to my bank account. I just have to send over some bank information so that the transfer goes smoothly. I know it seems risky,but my my relative is risking his life in order to help me out, so worrying over sending over some bank information seems a bit petty in comparison.

Well, if you can get over THAT excitment, allow me to tell you about my trip to Costa Rica. We flew into San Jose last Sunday and were greeted with 90 degree weather. It was beautiful. In fact, OH SHIT, HOLD UP!! I just got an email for a pill promoting a"machine gun man muscle." As you all know, my last 3 relationships ended because I was impotent, so this email is my second blessing of the day. The email says that "women are laughing at me" -- tell me about it brother! So I only need to send in 80 dollars for a 2 month prescription. Done and done! Anyways, back to the story. We landed in San Jose and decide to head right to the beach and get our surf on.

WAIT! Okay, I realize this is the third time I've interrupted this email but the Gods are smiling down upon me today. Check this out. As you all know, I was laid off 3 weeks ago and have been struggling to find a job. But I just received an email that reads: "In a recent review of online resumes, yours stood out and I believe you might be what my client needs. Alpine Access is hiring a Business Development Manager and I would like to invite you to accept the position."

A business position? For me? A high school drop out?! Wow, I might have to start leaving town more often :) The job is pretty much guaranteed. I get 80 grand a year (300% raise!) and tons of benefits. I. Am.Utterly. Speechless.

Okay, so I'm not sure if it's related to my new job, but I just now received an email invitation to join "The Winners Club". When I clicked on the link my computer started acting funny. Hmm.. I wonder if it's a glitch on their end. I'll have to ask about that when I start next week.

Hey, this is odd. I was just offered another position as a "Senior New Media and GraphicDesigner." Aside from the fact that I'm not qualified, I'm a little bit perplexed because I've never heard of the company and when I go their website, the URL is comprised of a bunch of numbers. Maybe it's a pattern like on LOST? I don't know, I'll have to follow up and call them. I guess I'm just being paranoid. I'm sure they just got my name from the same place the first company got my name. Too bad for them though, I already gots me a job :)

I know thats a lot to takein, so thank you for staying with me if you're still reading. Now Iknow you guys are all wondering what's going on with my lady situation.Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but me and Michelle broke up while in Costa Rica. We had a great run together, but it just wasn't right, and we both knew it was time to end it. But don't worry, I just got an email from a hot girl (trust me, I saw her pics ;-) saying that she saw my online profile and thinks I'm sexy. She sent me a link toher webpage and lets just say that the pics don't lie! Long story short, I only had to pay $29.95 (that's chump change considering my inheritance) so that I could chat with her. So far she seems really nice, but who wears a bikini indoors? But hey, I'm not complaining.

HAHA.I just checked my spam and I had an email saying "Enjoy an exciting after-party after the party - with your large gun". What idiots. Firstof all, an after-party after the party is already like 7am and no one parties so late into the morning. And second of all, I don't own a gun. Obviously SPAM! Some people sure are idiots.

Anyways, I know I didn't tell you about my trip in detail, but I'll have to let ya'll know the scoop soon. Sorry for blabbing on, but it's just been such an amazing day, what with my new penis pills, my new job, and my new girl!

talk soon,

Graham

These "Game Tapes", as they're called, allowed the Patriotsto witness first-hand many of the plays run by their opponents. Every Monday morning, a tape of the previous Sunday's games would arrive at Foxboro under lock and key. Throughout the week, players and coacheswould study these 'game tapes' to better learn about their next opponent. Players across the NFL expressed their surprise and disgust at the news.

LaDainian Tomlinson, whose San Diego Chargers lost to thePatriots, was outraged. "I'm not surprised one bit. Even though I didn't play in that playoff game, I could tell through my visor that something was a little bit off. Every time we ran the ball, the Patriots tried to tackle us. Every time we threw the ball, they triedto intercept it. The fact that they had first-hand knowledge of ourgame plan, that we wanted to not only rush the ball, but pass it aswell... well that just calls into question their entire season." Thissentiment was echoed by Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry - "I'm outraged! I never watch game film, so when I heard about this my jaw dropped. I damn near dropped my gat."

In cahoots with the Patriots are many of the major newsnetworks. NBC, ESPN, and Fox have all been named as co-conspirators asa result of filming football games and making them available to thegeneral public. It goes without saying that by watching their opponents play football games, the Patriots were able to better understand their opponent's strengths and weakness'. A sneaky move, to be sure, but notsurprising coming from coaching genius Bill Belichick, a noted footballstrategist and hooded sweatshirt connoisseur.

As news of this story broke at the Pro Bowl this pastSunday, players weren't hesitant to voice their opinions. Always willing to talk, Cowboys wideout Terrell Owens had some choice wordsfor the media as he munched on some Pop Secret popcorn. "This is not about Bill", said Owens with tears streaming down from behind his sunglasses as his voice trembled with emotion. "You guys can point thefinger at him, you can talk about the family vacation he took lastMarch, and if you do that, it's really unfair." Calls to Patriots quarterback Tom Brady went unanswered, presumably because he was having sex with his hot girlfriend. Eli Manning, however, got back to us immediately, but he didn't have anything interesting to add to thestory.

As this story continues to break, it's sad to saythat many of the Patriots great accomplishments will now be tarnished and diminished in the history books. Many will call them cheaters whowere willing to do whatever it took to get to the top, and if thatinvolved watching tapes of other teams playing Football on Sunday afternoons, then all be damned. And with reports surfacing that RandyMoss often attempted to outrun defensive backs and out maneuver them via onfield trickery, this once proud dynasty will have a lot of questionsto answer.

So what good are the Swiss if they can't back you up in battle? Well, they do make the Swiss Army Knife, which I imagine was originally crafted to give cheesemakers more flexibility in the types of holes they could cut.

Look at all those tools. Imagine how many holes they've cut over the years. With a weapon like that, it's a good thing they're neutral!

And don't think I'm just mad about cheese. I've also noticed that skimpy lingerie is just as expensive as any other piece of clothing. I don't have a girlfriend or anything, but I do get the Victorias Secretcatalogue and I know that that stuff costs a lot of money. In fact, alot of the clothes at Victorias Secret are comprised of very littlematerial, yet for whatever reason, people continue to shop there. It's outrageous! And I know what you're all thinking so let me pre-emptively answer your questions right now. Yes, I myself have ordered some lingerie from Victorias Secret. And yes, I'm a male. And yes, I wearthe lingerie I purchase. And no, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Sometimes I want to feel sexy too, and the last time Ichecked, that's not considered a crime.

Anyways, I'm off on a tanget here. Oh yes, the cheese. The hole-ycheese. All I can say is that there's nothing holy about paying a 30%premium for a food that's 25% missing. Now put that in yer pipe andsmoke it ya hooligan.

"It was an honest mistake," said Angelina, "his dark compexion made me think he was from the Sudan, but it turns out his parents were both born and raised right here in LA."

"It's like having an authentic Louis Vutton bag", explained Jolie."Sure everyone has kids, but mine are original Africans, not cheap knockoffs."