Andrew B.'s Articles

5 total in August 2009

5 Filmmakers' Greatest Shame
by Andrew B. September 14, 2009

1. JJ ABRAMS (writer of Gone Fishin')

The master of the overly complex mysteries of Lost/Alias/Fringe, omnipresent lens flares of Star Trek, and frizzy hair of Felicity hasn't always been able to spin engaging plots with fresh, interesting characters. In fact, JJ (at the time known as "Jeffrey") may have made the most ridiculously, jaw-droppingly bad buddy comedy of all-time: Gone Fishin'. In case the pairing of Joe Pesci and Danny Glover as wacky fishin' pals who get into wild hijinks in an attempt to go fishing (really) isn't enough for you, just watch the film and prepare for his greatest mystery of all: how did this movie ever got made? Nothing is funny, the hijinks are non-sensical, and it contains possibly the most uncomfortable Willie Nelson cameo of all-time. SPOILER ALERT! They don't even catch any fish.
Extra Bit of Ridiculous: Dean Cain's dad directed it.

2. JOSS WHEDON (writer of Alien: Resurrection)

Millions of geeks praise everything Joss Whedon touches without even needing to think. Joss Whedon has a new show? IT WAS THE MOST BRILLIANT SHOW OF ALL-TIME! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT GOT CANCELLED! Joss Whedon makes a sandwich? SINGLE GREATEST SANDWICH EVER! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT GOT EATEN! Joss Whedon makes a third sequel to Alien? IT WAS THE...oh, the one with Winona Ryder? Ew. That crap was terrible. Whedonites try to forget their Lord/Master/Rich Man's Diablo Cody ever had his hand in that pot, but helping Winona Ryder stay employed is something that should be punishable by death.

Extra Bit of Ridiculous: The director's next film? Amelie.

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Don Draper Invents the Pop-Up Ad
by Andrew B. August 24, 2009

Don: When a man visits a website, he's looking for something more than code and images. He's looking for...himself. He's looking for something that makes him special. But a man is nothing if he feels lost in the vastness and anonymity of the internet.

Campbell: Where are you going with this, Draper?

Don: What if the ad existed on it's own separate window? A window that would just "pop-up," as if out of thin air? Like a lightbulb flashing above your head - here it is. It's the answer to the question you didn't even know you were asking.

Campbell: But why wouldn't he just minimize or close the window? What's so special about it?

Don: It's not the window that's special, Campbell. It's the man who clicks it. In fact, the window isn't a window at all. It's a mirror. It's a reflection of the man's specialness...his soul. It tells him that he's the one millionth visitor, and he's won a free iPod Shuffle.

Campbell: That's preposterous!

Don: Even if he isn't actually the one millionth visitor, he's still one in a million. He's unique, he's special. That's why the ad popped up. Because of him. The pop-up ad is just for him, no one else. That's why he clicked it.

Campbell: But we can't just give away millions of iPod Shuffles!
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Welcome to Fox River Maximum Security Dorm
by Andrew B. August 18, 2009

Jon: Hey, you must be my roommate, Horace. I'm -
Everyone gains the freshman fifteen...stab wounds, that is.

H-Job: Shut the hell up, man. I ain't no Horace. I'm your new cellie, name's H-Job.

Jon: ...oookay. You're a little older than I-

H-Job: WANT ME TO SHIV YOU, FISH? I said shut the f*ck up and in H-Job's dorm cell you listen to what H-Job says. So what you in for?

Jon: Pre-Med.

H-Job: Ooo, rough, fish. That's some hard time you got ahead of you. I'm doin' 5 years, 4 with good behavior.

Jon: What're you in for?
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The Twist: A Preview of M. Night Shyamalan's New Script
by Andrew B. August 12, 2009

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Batman 3 Rumors and News
by Andrew B. August 06, 2009

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