Meat Loaf: You like it when The Loaf kisses your neck?

Girl: Ohhhh yeah, baby. Just like th- Wait!

Meat Loaf: What's wrong?

Girl: You can't just get right to it like that.

Meat Loaf: Why not?

Girl: We need...you know. Foreplay.

Meat Loaf: Oh. Wow. Yeah. Not really my thing.

Girl: I thought you said you'd do anything for love?

Meat Loaf: Right. But I won't do that.

Girl: That's what you were talking about? I always thought it was something more profound...

Meat Loaf: Nope. I just don't like going down on chicks.

Girl: So you'd go to "hell and back" before you'd perform oral sex on me?

Meat Loaf: Haha, now you're just trying to make me sound bad.

Girl: I just don't think it's fair.

Meat Loaf: Look, The Loaf doesn't need foreplay to get chicks wet.

Uncle Owen: So...you think this is the best idea?

Obi-Wan: Of course, you're Luke's only living relative. Where else is he supposed to go?

Uncle Owen: I was thinking anywhere else. This is absolutely the first place that anyone would look for him.

Obi-Wan: Who's gonna be looking for him?

Uncle Owen: Hmmm...maybe ANAKIN?! My psycho half-brother who is now Emporer Palpatine's apprentice. Remember him?

Obi-Wan: Uncle Owen, I chopped off his legs and watched him get all burned up. It's not like anyone has the technology to heal him.

Uncle Owen: What?! They absolutely do. We can travel at light speed through outer space, we sure as hell can heal some burn victim who has magic powers. I've got a bad feeling about this...

Obi-Wan: I wouldn't worry. It's not like he'd be able to find you.

Uncle Owen: Oh yeah, I'm sure the Emporer's right hand man would never think to check his home planet, his only living relative, or the only other person in the galaxy named "Skywalker." Can't we call him something else? How about Luke Smith?

Tired of your old Photoshop filters? Adobe just released five new ones to make your life even better (or at least seem that way).

Roll over each image to see the new filters in action.

Disclaimer: Tweets are chronologically backwards for the sake of readability

One time the girlfriend and I were outside in my backyard when she happened to find a bar of soap. So she picks it up tosses in her hands, pretending to take a shower and having a good laugh. So the next day, I'm studying for a midterm and mom comes up to me and tells me not leave my bar of soap on the bottom of the shower because the dog eats and poops it out. I never did explain to my girlfriend how the bar of soap got out there.
-James B, Ontario

My girlfriend hated Transformers 2 because there was "too much" robot fighting.
-Anonymous

My GF of six years dumped me the week of finals, seven days before I graduated college. She said she, "wanted time to be single and trust her own decision making." Six months later, she was engaged, pregnant and enlisted in the army.
-Rich

This August while sleeping on an air mattress on vacation, my girlfriend pissed herself, and because I'm heavier than her, it all came down and pooled around me. I woke up shivering, soaked in my girlfriend's piss.
-Drew, Wayne State

Weird Al has adapted to the Internet better than any other artist from the 80's. His Chamillionaire parody "White and Nerdy" has over 50 million views on YouTube, and is currently one of the site's most popular videos of all-time. The song was his career peak, going all the way to#9 on the Billboard Hot 100 (his previous best - "Eat It" at #12 in1984). Since then he's explored digital distribution which, for the first time in his three decade career, has allowed him to parody current events and songs that are popular right now. Really, it's hard to believe Weird Al survived at all - much less thrived - before iTunes and YouTube. He recently released The Essential Weird Al collects 38 of Al's best songs into two discs.

CollegeHumor: How did you decide which were the greatest hits from your distinguished career?

Weird Al: It was tough. I've got twelve studio albums of material and I did have to leave off a lot of stuff that some fans think should have been on the essentials collection. There's some historically important ones missing. "My Bologna," isn't even on there, which was my first pseudo-hit. Even though My Bologna was historically important, it wasn't so brilliant I would consider it among my best work. So I had to weigh fan favorites with what I thought were songs that actually merited being on a best-of compilation.

CH: So you hand picked the songs yourself?

WA: I did, yeah.

CH: When you were going through your earlier albums, did you rediscover any material that you'd forgotten about?

WA: I don't think I'd actually literally forgotten about any of it but it was kinda nice to listen to some of the old tracks again that I hadn't heard in a while. It also was an opportunity to clean up a couple things. This new collection is completely remastered. It's not remixed, but we cleaned it up. I won't mention where exactly because I don't want people to obsess over it the way I did, but there were a couple songs that had a few little pops and ticks and just little things that probably most people have never heard before in their life but they'd been bugging me for 25 years.

Let's face it, you're a busy human being. Between sleeping in and putting it off, you've barely had time to come up with a good Halloween costume this year. Thank God we're here to help. Here are a few quick and easy Halloween costumes that are sure to make people go "oh, that's kind of funny I guess..."!


What you need

• Sheet
  
• Scissors
• Legs
  
• Heels
  

Tips for "selling it"

• Make sure to yell "boo" at least once during orgasm
  

What you need

• Too-tight T-shirt with stupid pattern on it
• Too-tight jeans
• Hair gel
• Imported beer
• Cigarette
• Scarf

Tips for "selling it"

• Scoff at most things people say
• Dance with your hands only, no hips
• Be generally obnoxious and dismissive of American customs

What you need

• Filthy dress shirt
  
• Loose necktie
  
• Bottle of whiskey
  
• Red blush for gin blossoms on nose and cheeks (or just rub your face raw all night, you'll probably be too drunk to feel it)
  

Tips for "selling it"

• Hit on younger girls
  
• Request Billy Ocean songs all night
  
• Pretend your excessive drinking is "just part of the costume"

Bill: Hello, new acquaintance.

Dave: Hey, neighbor, can I ask you something?

Bill: City hall. Rain cloud. Dollar sign.

Dave: Um, yeah. Listen, I really need a friend. My boss says I can't get promoted until I get one and learn something about cooking. Life in politics is not what I imagined.

Bill: Soccer ball. Earth. Ghost!

Dave: Uh...huh.

Bill: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!

Pause.

Dave: So....you watch any sports or anything?

Bill: Backrub?

Dave: Um, no thanks. I only ask because my TV only gets four channels, and they all speak this non-sense jibberish language. It's so weird.

Bill: Backrub?

Dave: Uh, still no, thanks.

Bill: Tickle!

Dave: Haaaa...very funny. That was not at all awkward.

Bill: We're friends now.

Senior year, my girlfriend and I broke my bed while making love (j/k- while boning). My roommate's dog was under the bed. He wasn't injured, but then again, he wasn't quite the same there after. Sorry Duke.
-Anonymous

I once bought my (ex)girlfriend flowers for no reason. Immediately after I gave them to her my roommate came home and we started talking about what he was doing for his girlfriend for thier anniversary. With the flowers still in her hand she turned to me and said "Why don't you ever do things like that for me?"
-Will

I was a 19 year old college freshman dating another 19 year old college freshman. We stopped in at a Dunkin' Donuts that he frequented. Upon walking up to the counter, the cashier said, "Oh hi, Chris! Is this your mom?"
-Hillari

My significant other of a year and a half cried hysterically for an hour and swore to never talk to me again because I jokingly said I was more attractive then her.
-Nick

Zombie #1: BRAAAAIIINS...

Victim: AAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!

Zombie #1: BRAAAAIIINS!

Zombie #2: Mark.

Zombie #1: Shhh, I'm trying to stay focused here. BRRAAAAIINNNS!!

Zombie #2: Mark that guy is getting away from us, like, really easily.

Zombie #1: Dude I know. Who would've thought a middle-aged used car salesman could suddenly turn into frickin' Usain Bolt? Usain Bolt when he was alive, I mean. Zombie Usain Bolt is slower than me somehow.

Zombie #2: But that guy's just... he's just walking briskly.

Zombie #1: I know! It's like, where's the fire, asshole? I mean, there's fires all over the place, but you know what I mean. *Sigh* C'est la vie. We'll get the next one.

Zombie #2: Mark, I've been thinking.

Zombie #1: How? Your head's barely on.

After working with partners Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright to create a successful British sitcom (Spaced) and two hit feature films

(Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz), Nick Frost now appears as '60s DJ Doctor Dave in the upcoming Pirate Radio. He's also a charming, soft-spoken Brit, and I encourage you to read this interview with his voice in your head.

Your character in this film, Dave, could be quite the sexual role model for full-figured men.

I think I'm going to be asked to appear on the cover of "All American Bear".  It's pretty brave of Richard (Curtis, the director) to cast a 20 stone man in a romantic role. It's not everyday you get to just wander around naked and people don't give a sh*t.

Tom Sturridge (the film's lead) said the one scene he'd always remember was being naked with you in a tiny boat bathroom.

If you had to show an alien race how different the human form can be I think Tom would be at one end and I'd be at the other. If you get the Blu-Ray version and pause, you will see a sliver of nut. Two hands couldn't contain my range.

This film is a love letter to 1960s rock. Were you familiar with the era's music?

Growing up, my big love was house music. I was 15 or 16, going to raves and not going to school like naughty boy. In the first week of the film, I said to Richard, "I've never listened to a Rolling Stones record, don't tell anyone." And he immediately told Bill Nighy - he's a massive Stones nut - and Bill told me off for 5 minutes.