I am SO. BORED. Ugh. I want to go see a movie, but there is NOTHING out right now. I guess I'll go see Meet Dave. Wait, what? There's a new Batman movie out? No way! And it's broken every single record ever? Man. I am always the last to know. (DListed)

Not the last to know? Christian Bale's insane mother and sister, who have been waiting for this moment their entire lives. I'm sure you've all heard some watered down story of Christian Bale getting arrested for punching his mom in the face or something, but here's the story.

1. Christian Bale's movie made tons of money
2. Christian Bale's crazy mother and sister came to his hotel all liquored up
3. Christian Bale's sister asked for $200,000
4. Christian Bale said no
5. Christian Bale's sister insulted Christian Bale's wife or something
6. Christian Bale crushed both their heads.
7. JK, Christian Bale got pissed and cursed at them
8. They went to the police like a couple bitches
9. Christian Bale was arrested and willfully went in for questioning
10. Christian Bale is free.  Christian Bale wins. The end. (Celebslam, IDLYITW, DListed, IDLYITW, WWTDD)

James Blunt was also a winner this week.  Blunt, despite looking like a muppet and singing like a boy halfway through puberty, is still pulling hot naked chicks. Let this be a lesson to all of you. Anything is possible.(Celebslam)

I'm going to start off this weeks article with a moment of disturbing realism that many of us may be afraid to admit to.  On January 22nd 2008 when Heath Ledger died due to an accidental overdose, about 95% of people reacted to the news in this manner: "Oh my God...did they finish The Dark Knight?"  The level of anticipation for this movie has been just as high as, or higher than any other film in recent memory.  Batman Begins was a movie that not only redeemed the entire Batman franchise from such horrific failures as Batman and Robin, and Batman Forever, but also redefined the comic book movie genre by adding levels of intense realism, dark protagonist character conflict, and situations concerning the morality of man. 

Everyone has been sitting on pins and needles over this movie for the past 3 years, and why not? There's a lot that has been hanging in the balance.  Is it possible that this movie will be able to stand up to the greatness of Batman Begins? Or will it be a gross disappointment that tarnishes the series we fell in love with, like Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3, and Spider-Man 3?  Will Heath Ledgers acting stand out since the last great portrayal of the Joker; Jack Nicholson in the 1989 Batman?  

Gather 'round, children, and lets find out.

Hand-holding. The most harmless part of a relationship, right? DEAD. WRONG. Hand-holding is a dangerous craft, and how you execute it says more about your relationship than you'll ever know.

	The Interlock The ultimate hand-hold. Confucious once said, "the truest sign of love is whether or not your finger pits touch when you hold hands." He also said "you will probably stop watching The Simpsons after the 9th season," so you know he's wise as hell.
	The Bread Basket You're committed, but you're not having sex. Why? Because this hand-hold is lame. Stop holding hands like a grandmother. And if you're dating your grandmother, well, then, I guess it's okay. But YIKES.
	2 in the Pink A single-digit hand-hold, really? That's the best you can do? This isn't a teenage girl hand-slapping game. Claim that hand! Claim it like Sacajawea claimed the Louisiana Purchase! Right?
	The Chinese Greeting What the f*ck are you doing? Do you even know how to hold hands? This must be so uncomfortable for both of you, seriously. Just stop it. Stop everything.

For most lazy people, even "last minute" costume ideas are too time consuming because "last minute" is actually a figure of speech.

These people need real last minute costume ideas. Ideas that quite literally take sixty seconds or less to prepare. So for those of you still stressing at 9:59, here are some legit "last minute" costume ideas.

Our attempt to give you the information you crave on the actors responsible for our favorite supporting roles. 

Anyone who has seen an episode of Scrubs knows Rob Maschio as The Todd: The hospital's banana hammock wearing, high five giving, sexually ambiguous, wildly horny surgeon.  Let's take a minute to learn a little bit more about America's most lovable chauvinist pig. 

How many high fives do you give out every day, on average?
Not a day goes by where someone (a dude) will approach me and ask for a high five. It's fun , I get a kick out of it. Now I know I didn't  invent the high five, but the funny aspect of the Todd's High Fives are that he names them - the miracle five, mental five, sterile five, betrayal five, I miss you five, self five, air five, make it stop five, euphemism five, and the list goes on and on.  That's fun for me to be in a scene and think what type of high five I might be able to give. During the episode where the todd was acting gay (episode 5.20 My Lunch) I had a bunch of gay five improvs up my sleeve that didn't make it into the episode. Hot Gay sex five, Man on man five, reach around five, in your ass five...naturally these were way to dirty for TV, but the crew seemed to like them.

Who is responsible for adding the finger snap, post-high five? 
That's all me my friend, I was looking to put my personal touch on it, and it's great for timing and buttoning or punching a comedic moment.

Scrubs gets crazy famous guest stars all the time, who was your favorite to work with?
Michael J. Fox, Dick Van Dyke, and Heather Graham were among my favorite guest stars. Michael J. Fox and Dick Van Dyke because they're TV royalty and I have so much respect for them and Heather Graham because I wanted her very badly and couldn't have made it more clear. Alas... She was also really good on the show - she played a quirky, absent minded, free spirited doctor and I think it's because she's so hot that people don't see what a good job she did on the show.  I offered to high five her, to low five her, to side five her, and she wouldn't have it. Nevertheless I am still a big fan of hers.

I’ve been searching long and hard for two things while pursuing degrees in college: the perfect public toilet and the perfect girl. The other day I had an epiphany when I realized their similarities. With both the perfect toilet and the perfect girl, you want it/her to:


#Smell nice.

#Have not been used by a lot of guys.

#Be disease-free.

#Be worthy of sharing with your friends.

#Not require protection to use.

#Be pube-free

#Appear clean enough for your mother to approve.

#Not mind being peed on.

#Have no fetuses inside.

#Have soft toilet paper nearby for when you're finished.

Recently, I had the chance to talk to Colleen Marie, Miss August 2003. Aside from gracing the hallowed pages of Playboy, Colleen also found time to become a vet! That's right, a vet. She also had time to create her own website, creatively called ColleenMarie.com Anyway, I figured this was my only chance to ask the questions I've always dreamed about asking a Playboy Playmate, and guess what? She answered them. How did you decide you wanted to pose nude? My friend sent my pics in for a college search. So technically none of this blatant nudity is my fault. Is it weird knowing that millions of people have seen you naked? Only when creepy people like you put it like that. :) Actually only weird to know my relatives might have seen it, remember I am from the south so the chances are pretty high.

Ah drunk people...will they ever say what they mean? Below you'll find some common drunk phrases and what they translate to in sober language. I hope this helps you gauge whether or not it's a good idea to let your buddy in the car when he claims he's "totally fine, dude."

(Drunk Term = Sober Translation)

I LOVE This Song! = I KNOW This Song!

Dude, all the chicks at this party are ugly = Dude, none of the chicks at this party will talk to me.

Man, I'm hungry = Man, if I don't eat right now I am going to be puking all over this bar...again.

You're really pretty = I'm going to be ashamed of it tomorrow but tonight is all about instant gratification, honey.

Want to watch a movie? = Want to come over to my room for some extremely creepy back rubbing and some equally disturbing neck-nibbling?

I'm soooo drunk = I'm planting a seed in your head that will eventually grow into a beautiful tree which excuses me from blame for my actions tonight.

I just, like, want to help animals, ya know? = I just, like, want to get in your pants, ya know?

You're my best friend, man = You're my only friend in arm's reach right now and I need someone to pay for this shot, man.

I don't want to ruin the friendship = You're a nice girl but you're very heavy and I'd rather pretend I value our friendship than spend tomorrow dreaming up ways to kill myself.

This is the BEST night of my LIFE! = This is the BEST night of my WEEKEND!

Let's take a walk, this bar is crowded = I prefer my handjobs outdoors.

I'm totally fine, dude = I'm totally going to be needing a toilet or bucket in about five minutes, dude.

What's up, Bro? = What's up, guy-whose-name-I-can't-ever-remember?

Who wants to dance? = Who wants to watch me stumble around the party, waving my arms, spilling my drink and pile-driving my genitals into anything wearing a skirt?

Hey, did you get the notes from Bio? = Hey, I'm going to ask you about class because I'm too scared to ask you out.

I had, like, ten beers before I even came out = I'm, like, the kind of guy that lies about how much I drink.

Dude, I didn't even make it out of the dorms last night! = Dude, my girlfriend made me stay in and watch the Gilmore Girls season 1 DVD with her last night!

Now, seriously, who wants to watch a movie?