The time all men feared would come has arrived. The Sex and the City movie is mere days away. You may have suffered through only a few episodes or the entire series, depending on how long you've been with your girlfriend (or depending on how much you identify with overprivileged, bitchy Manhattan women). And now you WILL be getting dragged to this movie on the weekend of May 30th. So if you're going to have to sit through this one, you might as well know what's going on and who everyone is, right? Here's a quick guide that will get you through the 2 and a half hours (yes, you read that right, this will be like Lord of the Rings for people with vaginas) of cosmopolitan-sipping, men-bashing, fashion-talking horror.

Carrie: This is the main character, the narrator, and the person who will be wearing increasingly ridiculous outfits as though it's perfectly normal to have a dress with a flower on it that's roughly the size of a basketball. Looks kind of like Elaine from that episode of Seinfeld where she got steamed at the bagel shop Kramer was picketing mixed with some horse DNA. She is in love with Mr. Big, who saved her from an abusive Russian artist in Paris at the end of the series. She writes a column called "Sex and the City," which always has some parallels to whatever is going on in everyone's life and has deep insights like how men are like shoes. If you had to compare her to a real-life person, she would be Renee Zellweger.

1. Most likely overstated, but seriously guys, I'm falling behind in all of my 
    classes. Instead of starting a ten page paper or my book for a review I 
    have to do, I decided to spend two hours thoroughly scouting out girls for the
    "Hottest College Girl" competition to ensure I made the most precise
    decisions. I can't be looking through all of these articles and videos when I
    have shit to do.

2. I constantly come up with these witty/funny things that I think are hilarious
    only to later realize that one of your articles or videos were subconsciously
    engrained into my head. I spent a week calling all of my friends "brohemian
    rhapsody" thinking I was totally the man. I later discovered that I was just
    recalling the CH original "Brohemian Rhapsody".

3. This is the only place I have repeatedly seen the abbreviation FTW. I'm not
    sure as to what it means, therefore, not knowing how to properly use it. I
    figure I have missed the boat on asking so I just try to fit it in presumably
    inappropriate contexts.

4. On several occasions I have brought up "Stuff You Don't Care About But Will
    Help You Get Laid" topics to girls. Yeah, it's not that simple. Discussing
    celebrity vag only gets you so far ya know.

5. I always think of really specific things that I would like to have a shirt of and
    what do you know, Busted Tees has it. I am a poor college kid; I can't be
    spending money on this stuff. Yes, I know I need a Jessie and the Rippers T-
    shirt, but a kid has got to eat too! FTW?

6. In conversation with friends I will bring up certain things a staff member did; if
    my friend is not a CH regular and I try to explain one of you, all I get are
    blank stares. "Like they're not super famous, but people know them. O.k. so
    they're not on a Tom Cruise level but it's only a matter of time before they all
    blow up like the crack epidemic of the 80's and become mainstream." In which
    case I will then talk about how I knew who you were before you got famous
    and how funny you were, and then trash you for making it big and being
    sellouts. (sorry)

7. Every time I see a security guard I quietly say to myself, "Don't tase me bro."
    I always chuckle a little, but if one of them hears me it could be a serious
    issue. They might get pissed and do something about it, like I don't know,
    tase me or something.

8. I have tried to save this article 3 times now and it keeps getting erased as I
    try to preview it. That could just be my shitty computer, but regardless, I hate
    it.

9. As I inspect the "Hardly Working" sketches I notice that basically everyone has
    a Mac. I have never owned an apple computer in my life, but as I play around
    on my friends and the ones at school I see why. I have become obsessed with
    getting one and am now scheming ways to accumulate money fast. This may
    become extremely treacherous.

10. I love you.