Kenzie G.'s Articles

           As many of you know this spring marks the release of the new   "Sex and the City" feature length film. Much like other men I was not upset when this show ended its run on T.V., and was not excited to learn of its upcoming move to theatres. This is not necessarily because I think the show to be of poor quality, but instead because it seems to foreshadow the inevitable reemergence of the "Which Sex and the City character do you think I am?" question that has been asked by most girlfriends to their unwitting boyfriends since it premiered several years ago. Often times an incorrect response to this question will result in harsh feelings, and non enjoyable interactions. Why girls give a shit about this shit I can't answer, however I have seen many episodes of this show, and I believe I have formulated a comprehensive guide to answering this question safely, with respect to varying women and relationships.  (I grew up with two older sisters in a house with one T.V. I could also probably tell you a lot about Dawson's Creek, Party of Five, and Sabrina the Teenage Witch, if you asked me.).  But anyway, here it is:

The Carrie: Telling your girlfriend that she is most like Carrie will most likely net positive results. She is a good all-around response especially for a girl you have just recently started dating. Now I know what you're thinking: Why would any woman want to be likened to that ? (See Image). However the reality is that women do not realize just how unattractive Sara Jessica Parker is to the typical American man. I mean let's be serious. She has to be the ugliest "hot" girl in the world.  With that being said, the character of Carrie on the show is seen as the embodiment of the independent, but still sexy, modern woman. Your girlfriend will feel like you respect her for her mind and body. This will make your girlfriend happy, and in turn your life will become more peaceful.

 Although this is most likely your safest response, it is not always optimal. Telling a girl you just met, and hoping to hook-up with later in the night you think she is a Carrie will probably come across as phony. Women are intelligent fickle creatures, and if they sense that you are not being genuine they will be turned off. Even the densest of females will sense your not-so-noble intentions, and your "game" will face a serious setback. I would avoid telling a girl she is a "Carrie" unless you have been dating her for more than a month, or its if its just really how you feel.

 

The Charlotte: This character is also a decent response. Charlotte is feminine, motherly, and overall pretty sweet. It does not hurt that she also happens to be by far the best looking of the show's four main characters. This is important because when backed into a corner you can  claim to have not seen the show, and that you simply picked the hottest. Telling your girlfriend she is most like Charlotte is best if she is more of the traditional female that dreams of a fancy wedding, loving husband, and beautiful kids.

          There are certain women that will not appreciate being referred to as a "Charlotte". For a girlfriend who is a feminist, you know a real "Susan B. Anthony" type, Charlotte is not best for your particular situation. She will think you have completely misjudged her, and see her as a homemaker with no ability to be self supportive, rather than an independent powerful woman. The more modern woman will normally not see this assessment as a compliment.  In general Charlotte is a pretty safe bet, but I recommend some caution when utilizing this response.

  

The Samantha: Samantha is definitely the most promiscuous of the "Sex and the City" foursome. She is openly slutty and is normally sleeping with a different man in each episode. Most girlfriends will not appreciate you likening her to Samantha. This could be seriously detrimental to preserving positive interactions with your girlfriend, because no girl likes to be thought of as "easy". She will believe you see her as a slut who has had many sexual partners in her past. This will inevitably lead to her making the conclusion that you don't take the relationship seriously, and amicable interactions will not follow. Do not answer with Samantha if you are at least in a semi-serious relationship.

               Although it seems that Samantha is a bad route to take in answering this question, this is not always the case. Some women like to be lightly teased by the guy whose affection they seek.  A woman that you are not dating, but would like to hook-up with in the very near future, may find you funny, and therefore attractive, for making fun of her. Your ever-so-slight jeer aimed at the object of your desire can, if used correctly, result in successful relations in your future. A one way ticket to sexy-time-town.

The Redhead (a.k.a. Miranda): I would never recommend using this character as a response to the "Sex and the City" question. Although she may seem to be a good choice because of the success in her professional life, no woman can overlook the relative unattractiveness that Miranda represents. Miranda is the kind of girl that gives guys that unexplainable feeling where your balls seem to crawl back into your body. Sort of like the sensation you feel when discussing vasectomies, severe nut shots or kidney stones. Not only is she physically unappealing, but she also happens to be a huge witch that can never seem to cease her cock-blockish attitude throughout the series. Telling your girlfriend is she is a "Miranda" is equivalent to calling her a 'stank breath hoe". In one word: Yuck.  Your girlfriend may not become visibly angry if you call her a "Miranda", however she will be internally hurt, which is in fact much more dangerous.  For all intents and purposes, simply pretend this character is not part of your possible choices at all.

Answer Yes or No to the following questions. Keep track of your "Yes's" to see just how hood your campus is.


1. Do you actually know more people that have been robbed/mugged than arrested?

2. Do you know one or more homeless people by name/nickname?

3. Is a Chevy Cutlass/Caprice/Impala a more common sight on your campus than a Jeep/Range Rover/Jetta?

4. Do spoiled, rich, white girls actually attend your school?

5. Has someone ever told you their car ran out of gas just down the street, and that they just need a couple dollars for gas, so they can pick their kids/mother/grandmother up from day care/work/nursing home, by the same person, at the same gas station, two or more times in the same week?

6. Have you ever been a first-hand witness to a scene that was comparable to the following?


7. When your friends visit you at school, do they have to call their parents to let them they are safe before going to bed?

8. Do you live closer to a prison than a corn/wheat/tobacco farm?

9. Has a man who smelled strongly of garbage/urine/fisces ever spit in your, or someone you know's, general direction?

And Finally,

10. Have you ever witnessed an argument/fight/stabbing over a monetary value of less than one dollar?

*Bonus Question*
Has someone ever attempted to charge you money for watching your bike/helping you park your car/giving you directions?

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The Results (count your "Yes's"):

*An answer of "No" to Question 4 equals a "Yes" on the survey.

Less than 3: Your town is far from hood. Don't worry about locking your car doors, your stuff is safe. I would guess you could probably pass out in a gutter somewhere and wake up with your wallet still in your pocket. Have fun being sheltered your whole life.


3-6:  Your school is moderately dangerous. I would definitely lock your bike before going to get your groceries. Still, you will probably go through your entire college career without being the victim of a major crime. Your neighborhood is like Guns n' Roses. It may seem dangerous upon first consideration, but you will soon realize its really pretty tame.


7-9: Wow. Be careful when leaving your house at night. It would not be a bad idea to invest in a taser, or at least a strong can of pepper spray for your safety. Don't feel guilty if you lock your doors and roll up your windows when driving in certain parts of your neighborhood. Your town might worry your parents, but look on the bright side. The police have more important things to do than arrest you for being drunk in public.


10-11: You live in Detroit. Good Luck.

After the Nintendo came out with the new Mario Kart for Wii me and my buddies logged quite a few hours getting reaquainted with its cast of characters. One of my friends was having some woman troubles at the time, so somewhere along the line the conversation arrived upon the female sex, and their various gender specific attributes. The combination of Mario, and some healthy drunken gender bashing led me to a complilation of the varying types of woman and her corresponding character from the classic video game.

The Princess Peach: This is the girl of your dreams. She is beautiful, funny, sexual but not a skank, and generally your view of perfection. She is the kind of girl you want to meet your grandma. You would traverse the all kinds of worlds, fight deadly monsters in your path, and even jump over enormous bottomless pits to win her heart. However there is one problem with the typical Peach; for some reason she spends all her time surrounded by complete morons. She is highly coveted among other males, so it will be necessary to fight off an entire cast of villains to get a chance with this girl. You may think you have finally won her affection once or twice, but in the end she always ends up being stolen away by some dickhead dinosaur or hairy ape.