Like many others I find myself wondering why Americans just don't care about soccer. Soccer itself is an amazing display of teamwork, precision, and intense rivalry, and is truly a sight to behold. Experts have put forth explanations such as lack of star power and a weak professional league. However I believe a so-called "lame soccer culture" is what truly repels spectators from the United States. After watching the competition for the past two weeks, I believe I have come up with three potential reasons for soccer's lack of popularity in our country.

¢1.       The Dramatic Dives:

        Since I began watching soccer, I have noticed a particularly disgusting strategy that many professional players employ during a match. This act known as "diving" is done in order to gain undeserving free kicks from the referee. It begins with the player dribbling swiftly down the field aggressively in the direction of the opponent's goal. Things are actually getting pretty impressive, but don't worry, this is about to change drastically. A defender then comes in for a sliding challenge, and the offensive player falls to the ground, a look of intense agony on his face that would seem to imply the sort of pain most people only experience a couple times during their lives. At this point one would assume that he has broken his

                Now this sort of garbage may fly over in Europe, but in athletic competition in the United States this stuff just doesn't happen. How many times have you seen a batter take a 95 mile-per-hour-fastball straight to the back, pause for a moment while he considers whether or not he should charge the mound, then trot down to first base with a face of stone? In the same respect, how many times has a wide receiver on a crossing pattern met the shoulder pads of a 245 pound linebacker with such ferocity that his helmet explodes from his head, not unlike a Tweety Bird Pez dispenser. In general, the receiver will pop up in an instant (unless he is genuinely knocked out or he is Chad Johnson) to preserve his invaluable pride.  If Americans are ever going to follow soccer with the same passion as the rest of the world, the athletes need to learn not to crumple to the ground crying every time they take a cleat to the shin. In a country that produced "NFL Blitz", the movie "Total Recall" (How easy would a Chuck Norris reference be right here?), and the Enormous Omelet Sandwich from Burger King, it is not common to be enthused by a sport in which grown men show such displays cowardice.  To sum it up, European soccer is the opposite of John McClain in "Die Hard".

¢2.       The Ceremonies:

In the United States we pride ourselves in our taste for the delightfully tacky. This sort of tradition extends itself to the ceremonies before, during and after our sporting events. In the NFL, football players explode from tunnels through a gauntlet of fireworks,  large breasted cheerleaders with sparkling pom-poms, and "Back in Black" by AC/DC. During halftime of our nation's sporting events there is always some sort of spectacle to observe. Whether it is a half-court shot contest, an Asian woman juggling plates on a twenty foot unicycle, or a good old-fashioned baby race, Americans need something to spectacular to satisfy our very short attention spans.

             At the European Cup there are no such theatrics. Instead the players hold hands with a young child  (actually a little creepy) as they make their way onto the field, listen respectfully to both team's national anthem, and shake hands with opposing players before the match. How soccer of them. I mean there are usually only a couple of goals scored each game. Take note soccer. To become popular in the U.S. the sporting event needs to become just that, an event. Would it be so terrible to have teenagers dressed in wacky rainbow suspenders and comical wigs shooting Oscar Meyer Wieners into the crowd with a hotdog shaped bazooka?

¢3.       America is not the best:

The United States Soccer Team is currently ranked 21 in the world, somewhere in between Turkey and Israel. At the 2006 World Cup the national team failed to advance to the round of sixteen, win a single game, and managed only one goal in a losing effort against Ghana (The only other score was an own goal scored by Italy in the second game). In the Ricky Bobby culture of the United States this is simply not acceptable. It is not likely that the typical McDonald's eating, UFC loving, firework blasting American can witness a national team responsible for representing the Stars and Stripes being utterly dominated in by Spaniards, Italians, and even the French in athletic competition.

Oh yeah and the scarves don't help either.

Master Chief: It's been really tough lately. My guy logged about 80 hours of game time this week. Went from a level 30 to a 32 so that's pretty cool, I guess. It would be nice to get a little bit of a break though. Just trying to avoid another nervous breakdown.

Mario: Oh man here we go again...

Luigi (under his breath): Shut up, dude.

Leader: You will have your chance Mario. Let him finish.

Master Chief: There is no way you can understand what it's like... you only get played by little kids or high college guys at three o'clock in the morning, . You just can't imagine the stress that comes with a twelve hour session of Team Slayer. He never stops playing. His mom brings him all his meals in the basement. He does not work, he does not sleep, and now he wants his parents to put a new bathroom in the basement. I am just so tired.

Mario (laughs): What a bitch.

Master Chief: You're such a jerk. I don't understand why you come to these meetings if you can't be at least a little sensitive. I have seen the new Mario Kart

Mario: Yeah, whatever.

Leader: No, no this is good. It is important for us to release our emotions and be able to share them with each other. Thank you for sharing Master Chief. But let's move on. Sonic, you are being awfully quiet over there. What's new with you this week?

Sonic (sighs): Nothing new to report.
Mario: Pathetic.

Sonic: No words can explain the passion with which I hate you. If I had one wish it would be that the Mushroom Kingdom be plagued by an incurable strain of the Ebola Virus, ravaging every man, woman, and mushroom in that God forsaken hell hole.

Suddenly the door swings open and WordMuncher (small green monster) walks in the door.

Word Muncher: Is this Over Eaters Anonymous?

Leader: No, that is down the hall in room 103 Number Muncher.

Word Muncher: Why does everyone get me confused with that guy? He can't even read!

Mario (under his breath): What the hell is that thing?

Leader: I'm sorry you just look so much alike.

Word Muncher: You know what? Screw you, and screw this place. I'm gonna go stuff my face with some adjectives.

Word muncher leaves the room

Leader: Ok... well moving on. Luigi I know you had mentioned to me earlier in the week you had something important you wanted to bring up.

Mario: What, really?

Leader: Please Mario, let him speak.

Luigi: I'm just saying I sort of want to create a name for myself, on my own. I just can't seem to get away from being Mario's "wussy" little brother.

Luigi: Have you ever played "Luigi's Mansion"?

Mario: Honestly....no.

Luigi: See what I mean? I worked really hard on that, and my own brother didn't even bother to play it.

Mario: Look I'm sorry.

Luigi: You know how much you hate doing ghost levels?

Mario: Well yeah, that's true. They're just too much work.

Luigi: This game is one giant ghost level. The whole thing is basically me walking around with a fruity little vacuum cleaner, getting the bejesus scared out of me by a bunch of psycho spirits.

Mario: Ha ha that sucks man... I know you get scared really easily.

Luigi: No I do not! I don't know why the creators decided to make it sound like I am about to crap my pants every time I jump a pit or encounter a goomba, but its simply not a just representation. I mean seriously, do you realize that everyone thinks I'm gay?

Mario: Wait, you're not?

Luigi: You too!?!?

Mario: Its just Daisy was talking to Peach about how you still haven't tried anything with her and we all just sort of assumed you were... well you know.

Luigi: Just because, unlike you, I actually respect women, does not mean I'm gay!

Mario: Ok fine, but still I don't think it's so bad being a huge part of the greatest video game series of all time and...

Sonic: Whoa! Wait a minute. Who said Mario was the greatest game of all time?

Mario: Are you being serious?

Sonic: My games for Sega were actually very popular during the 1990's.

Master Chief: I loved Tales! He was so cool.

Luigi: Yeah, and Sonic Spinball was also highly underrated.

Mario glares at Luigi with a look of the utmost disgust.

Mario: First of all...traitor (pointing toward Luigi). And second... Sonic you haven't been relevant since...

Sonic: Don't say it...

Leader: Please gentlemen, let's get back on track.

Mario: Sega Dreamcast.

Suddenly a flurry of gold rings explodes from Sonic's body. He jumps from his seat in an immediate attempt to recover them.

Leader: Sonic please sit down. I thought we worked on your obsession with these rings. They are not as you claim, the only things that keep you living.

Sonic mumbles inaudibly under his breath.

Leader: Now Mario, would you classify that comment as a "Warm Fuzzy" or a "Cold Prickly"?

Mario: Hey it's not my fault Sonic hasn't done anything this year except try to bandwagon on the Smash Bros. series.

Sonic collapses from his chair, and then disappears through the floor.

Luigi: See this is what I'm talking about. You're such a dick dude.

Mario: You would be nothing without me, and you know it.

Luigi: Yeah? Well good luck making new Mario Bros. games sans Luigi.

Mario: Oh don't worry I will. Have fun working on "Luigi Goes to Fire Island". It be should awesome.

Luigi: I hate you Mario Mario. I hate you.

Luigi runs from the room crying.

Mario: He will be fine. He did the same thing when he found out he was not going to be playable in "Mario Sunshine"

Leader: Ok well this has been about as unproductive a session as I could imagine. I guess I will see you all next week...Oh yeah, and will someone go get Sonic from the basement. Last week he was down there for three days before the janitor found him.

Master Chief: Thank you so much for the session.

Mario: You are so lame.

           As many of you know this spring marks the release of the new   "Sex and the City" feature length film. Much like other men I was not upset when this show ended its run on T.V., and was not excited to learn of its upcoming move to theatres. This is not necessarily because I think the show to be of poor quality, but instead because it seems to foreshadow the inevitable reemergence of the "Which Sex and the City character do you think I am?" question that has been asked by most girlfriends to their unwitting boyfriends since it premiered several years ago. Often times an incorrect response to this question will result in harsh feelings, and non enjoyable interactions. Why girls give a shit about this shit I can't answer, however I have seen many episodes of this show, and I believe I have formulated a comprehensive guide to answering this question safely, with respect to varying women and relationships.  (I grew up with two older sisters in a house with one T.V. I could also probably tell you a lot about Dawson's Creek, Party of Five, and Sabrina the Teenage Witch, if you asked me.).  But anyway, here it is:

 Although this is most likely your safest response, it is not always optimal. Telling a girl you just met, and hoping to hook-up with later in the night you think she is a Carrie will probably come across as phony. Women are intelligent fickle creatures, and if they sense that you are not being genuine they will be turned off. Even the densest of females will sense your not-so-noble intentions, and your "game" will face a serious setback. I would avoid telling a girl she is a "Carrie" unless you have been dating her for more than a month, or its if its just really how you feel.

          There are certain women that will not appreciate being referred to as a "Charlotte". For a girlfriend who is a feminist, you know a real "Susan B. Anthony" type, Charlotte is not best for your particular situation. She will think you have completely misjudged her, and see her as a homemaker with no ability to be self supportive, rather than an independent powerful woman. The more modern woman will normally not see this assessment as a compliment.  In general Charlotte is a pretty safe bet, but I recommend some caution when utilizing this response.

               Although it seems that Samantha is a bad route to take in answering this question, this is not always the case. Some women like to be lightly teased by the guy whose affection they seek.  A woman that you are not dating, but would like to hook-up with in the very near future, may find you funny, and therefore attractive, for making fun of her. Your ever-so-slight jeer aimed at the object of your desire can, if used correctly, result in successful relations in your future. A one way ticket to sexy-time-town.