My name is Hans and I am your personal trainer.

You may say "Hans, I don't need a personal trainer," or "Hans, what do your many African tattoos represent?" But these are distractions. Our focus is your body.

Show me your body. Okay. Now turn. Okay. Now bend. Now, while bending, look back at me like you have a secret. Okay. Good.

You are ready for the training. Please ascend the treadmill, set the incline to two, and clench your butt.

I like to tell my students that, while I was eating raw meat in the forests of Austria, I saw my reflection in a pool. It looked back at me and said "Hans, you should be a personal trainer."

Do you mind if I put my hands on you? Yes? Forget I asked the question.

These days, I go to the social security office for my check, but they refuse because they say I have no job. They say, "Hans, you just sneak into a gym. That is not a job." Then I punch the window and run crying out the door.

Now the weights. Grasp this five pounder and bend at the knees. Good. So, so good.

Can you crawl on your knees, whispering my name? No? Maybe that was too much.

I am so sorry to hear you're cutting our session short. Perhaps we can share dinner sometime.

I like dark meat and naked runs.

Do you have a number I can call? Wait, come back! I am HANS!!

Me: Josh.

Nurse: And you pregnant?

Me: Huh.

Nurse: I know this is sensitive. Take your time.

Me: I'm not pregnant. In fact, I'm sure I'm not pregnant.

Nurse: Be honest.!slice

Me: I'm a man! I physically cannot give birth.

Nurse: Look hon, you don't have to tell me you're pregnant. I can tell. You have that attitude.

Me: The what? The pregnant attitude? Is that an attitude?

The doctor comes in.

Doc: Excuse me. Nurse? You're in the wrong room.

Me: ...

Nurse: I know you're pregnant.

The nurse leaves.

Doc: Sorry about that. We needed your nurse in the room over, where your friend Dave is giving birth.

Me: He's just fat! Dave! DAVE!!

Pants Brigade: Limp and ready for action, sir!

Captain Noggin: Private Eye! I need a status check now.

Private Eye: We got a bogey moving in at 2 miles per hour. She appears to be drunk.

Captain Noggin: Stats?

Private Eye: Weight approximately 200. Wears a tube top.

Captain Noggin: Oh sweet Jesus.

Pants Brigade: What are our orders?

Captain Noggin: Stand down men! I repeat: stand down!

Major Mouth: Ingesting beer... beer ingested.

Captain Noggin: Private Eye, what's the bogey status?

Private Eye: She's at 5 feet and closing and... I'm getting a new status... bogey weighs approximately 160.

Captain Noggin: But that's impossible!

Private Eye: Things are looking blurry, sir.

Destination:

England, France, Germany, Spain, Italy, Sweden, Norway, Finland, Czech Republic, Poland, Ukraine, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Amsterdam, Hungary, Romania, Bosnia, Turkey, Israel, Morocco, Algeria, Egypt, Austria, Australia, New Zealand, New Guinea, Philippines, Japan, China, Russia, South Africa, Zimbabwe, Madagascar, Tanzania, Niger, Mauritania, Senegal, Kazakhstan, Belarus, Pakistan, Mexico, Puerto Rico, Costa Rica, Brazil, Argentina, Venezuela, Peru, Brazil:

1. Go to clubs.

2. Drink.

The Polar Ice Caps:

1. Try not to freeze to death.

Ingredients: Rock

1. Throw the rock at a supermarket window.

2. Climb through the window.

3. Take the watermelon.