CollegeHumor: User 1633334's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1790814 If Sitcoms Were Real Thu, 03 Sep 2009 17:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1790814 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Bill, a paunchy middle-aged man, eats breakfast with his young, thin wife Mandy.

Bill: Maybe I'll finally clean out the rain gutters this weekend.

Mandy: Right, and I'll do cartwheels on the moon!

Laugh track plays. Their wacky neighbor DONALDSON enters to wild applause. 

Donaldson: So! I've entered the marathon. You gonna be my training partner, buddy?

Mandy: Nice try. The only running Bill does is towards a cherry pie! (Laugh track plays.) And the only miles he sees are on his belt loop! (Laugh track plays even louder!)

Accordingto Bill, the couple have not had intercourse for several months.

Bill: You know Mandy, that really hurts my feelings. Your incessant digs about my weight are putting a massive strain on an already shaky marriage.

Mandy: Uh...I thought the only thing undergoing a massive strain was the seat of your jeans! (Laugh track plays quietly.)

Bill: Have you asked yourself why you feel the need to hide behind jokes and communicate with passive-aggression?

Mandy: Well excuse me! Do you think I wanted to get married to a chunky, ambitionless plumber? I have a B.A. in art history!

Donaldson: Oooh baby, it's getting serious in here. Bill, buddy, if you change your mind, I'll be on the track. It's gonna be a heck of a 'thon!

Bill: And you, Donaldson. You've been a trusted neighbor and friend for 2 years, plus summer reruns. Yet your antics have gotten my car towed, my boss on the verge of firing me twice, and I had to have my stomach pumped in the episode where I ate your homemade blood sausage. Do you feel no remorse about the major inconveniences you've caused me what feels like every single week?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/0/collegehumor.28312b2ae0149c00422e87d022e79e25.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-09-03 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334">Hallie Cantor</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:211"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 14 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1777561 Moviegoing: An Epic Quest Tue, 16 Jun 2009 17:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1777561 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Epic fail (wordplay!)

Without exams, papers, and dining-hall-induced digestive issues, summer should be easy and relaxing, right? SO EXTREMELY WRONG! Take moviegoing, second only to outdoor drinking on the Summer Fun Index. Your quest for entertainment is actually a modern retelling of the ancient hero's journey. Your experience will be exactly like Star Wars, the Matrix, Lord of the Rings, and countless other epics! Just less exciting, and with uglier actors.

THE HERO'S DEPARTURE

"I'm sooo bored. Let's do something. Let's see a movie." The call to adventure! You might be skeptical at first. All the best heroes are. Important questions stand in your way: What is "the matrix"? What is "the force"? What movies don't suck this week? As you learn the answers, avoid being seduced by power and turning evil (see: Vader, Voldemort, Lucifer, Gollum). In your case, consider the "dark side" to be anyone who spells movie theater with an "re. (The THEATRE is for Neil Simon plays, black berets and the French. The THEATER is for Jerry Bruckheimer and America. You're going to the theater.)

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/0/collegehumor.28312b2ae0149c00422e87d022e79e25.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-16 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334">Hallie Cantor</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:211"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 7 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1769499 Your Politically Active Friend Wed, 21 Jan 2009 17:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1769499 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
High School Graduation:

"Let's get drunk!"

Got a sick Red Army hat at Hot Topic yesterday.
Freshman Year:

"Did you know that that school hoodie was made by laborers so young they're still in the womb? The kids here have really opened my eyes to the evils of capitalism. I can't wait for graduation when I can live on a commune and tend to my own hemp fields, just living in harmony with my fellow man and shit. Oh yeah, you like my new iPod? I got it in red to symbolize my allegiance with the proletariat."


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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/0/collegehumor.28312b2ae0149c00422e87d022e79e25.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-01-21 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334">Hallie Cantor</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:211"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 32 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760876 Simple Ways to Slack Off at Work Wed, 20 Aug 2008 12:32:56 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760876 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Some people think that slacking off at work means concocting elaborate alibis about mysterious recurring dental ailments just to cautiously sneak out a few precious minutes early. These people are wrong. Slacking off can be as easy as falling off a log...while you're sleeping...and a powerful tornado is blowing you off the log. Choose any of these effortless tricks and you too can become a World Champion Slacker!

Follow this simple NASA model to make your periscope.
BossWatch3000
Build a periscope for your cubicle. By placing mirrors at precisely the right angle within a bent tube made of connected toilet paper rolls, you'll be able to be slack off from 9 to 5 without fearing an unexpected visit from the boss man. Nothing will help you relax at work like constantly monitoring your surroundings!

The Ol' Type 'n Switch
In your spare time, record yourself typing a 50-page paper (preferably a defense of the physico-theological proof of the existence of God in Kant's Critique of Pure Reason, though the work of any 18th-century German philosopher will do!). Then play the recording when you're at work. The sound of your diligent, thoughtful key-tapping will mask the violent stabbing of the space bar as you gleefully shoot at alien spaceships.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/0/collegehumor.28312b2ae0149c00422e87d022e79e25.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334">Hallie Cantor</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:211"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 36 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760167 Famous Novelists' Letters Home From College Tue, 05 Aug 2008 16:08:24 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760167 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Henry David Thoreau:

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/0/collegehumor.28312b2ae0149c00422e87d022e79e25.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-08-05 16:08:24 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334">Hallie Cantor</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:211"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 132 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760003 Your Dreamcatcher Fri, 01 Aug 2008 11:08:22 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1760003 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Caldwell Tanner puts the "chill" in "CH Illustrator."

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/0/collegehumor.28312b2ae0149c00422e87d022e79e25.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-08-01 11:08:22 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334">Hallie Cantor</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:211"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 124 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759153 Mythical Creature Convention Wed, 16 Jul 2008 14:08:57 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1759153 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Here, here!
Abominable Snowman: Most illustrious and distinguished creatures, my greatest thanks for your presence. After centuries apart, we are finally reunited with the estimable goal of wreaking havoc on the Earth!

(Polite applause.)

Bigfoot: I hereby volunteer myself to remain behind the scenes, monitoring our efforts, as the two of you begin a timed attack across the globe.

Loch Ness Monster: You are too kind, my sizably-footed comrade. In truth, though, I must share my chief concern: that leaving the icy bosom of my watery domicile may prove unwise...in this changing climate. Let me remain behind.

Abominable Snowman: I cherish your generosity, but this fear is unfounded. Surely you realize that global warming is but a spurious myth! My perch in the majestic Himalayas offers me the best vantage point from which to supervise our attack. I insist.

Bigfoot: No, no, I will not hear of it! You will be too far away in the mountains. I shall be the one to stay back, and you two shall enjoy the glory of battle.

Abominable Snowman: I beg of you, be not so selfless!

Loch Ness Monster: Friends, it seems we are at an impasse. Very well; I will admit to the fear that smolders within each of our breasts. I am but a simple creature and as such I do not wish to venture out and subject myself to the dangerous gaze of Man. To do so would be to betray the holiest value in our credo: to remain shrouded in mystery, veritably doused in mystique, cast for all eternity in the ranks of a questioned existence, forever doubted and denied!

(Polite applause.)

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/0/collegehumor.28312b2ae0149c00422e87d022e79e25.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-07-16 14:08:57 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334">Hallie Cantor</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:211"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 25 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758699 Camp Counselor Buddy Jones Gives a Pep Talk Tue, 08 Jul 2008 13:16:20 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1758699 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
Gather 'round, kiddos! We've got a choice for afternoon activity. Softball with Pete or Arts and Crafts with Bianca. If you want softball, raise your hand. Hands down. Arts and Crafts, raise your hand. Anyone? Well, okay, don't cheer yet. That was a preliminary vote to see where everyone stands on the issue.

Now, we've got all of Rest Hour to make this decision. As your counselor, your friend and your mentor, I urge you to reconsider. Softball is fine for the brutes over in Cabin 9, but Arts and Crafts is a far more suitable, even noble, pastime for young men such as yourselves. Especially under Bianca's tutelage! She's so talented, and considerate...Gentle. Pretty. Like a delicate daffodil swaying in the breeze.

You know, if you guys would have a little more respect for Arts and Crafts, people might take us more seriously as a cabin. Remember that first day of camp when you were working on macaroni necklaces? I leaned over to Bianca and whispered seductively in her ear that I'd like to give her a pearl necklace. Playful yet sensual. The perfect opening line. But she turned her head away from the table so she wouldn't have to look at your pathetic excuses for macaroni-based artwork! Yes, yours too, Evan. Don't think because you ate most of your macaroni pieces that you're off the hook. What, were those 4 hot dogs you had at lunch not enough for you, little piggy? Huh?

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/0/collegehumor.28312b2ae0149c00422e87d022e79e25.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-07-08 13:16:20 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334">Hallie Cantor</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:211"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 30 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1757453 Guy Who Robbed a Liquor Store Last Night Talks to His Buddies Tue, 17 Jun 2008 12:32:10 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1757453 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> Friend 1: Hey, did you guys hear about the liquor store on Main?

Friend 2: No, what happened?

GWRALSLN (a second after Friend 2): No, what happened?

Friend 3: Oh, I heard about that. Apparently some guy just ran in at like 10 last night in a ski mask and tried to hold them up.

Friend 2: Whoa, for real? I was there last night at like 9:45!

What a baller.
Friend 1: Seriously?

Friend 3: That's insane, man.

GWRALSLN: ...yeah, wow!

Friend 2 (to GWRALSLN): Dude, why are you surprised? I ran into you right outside there.

GWRALSLN: Oh, hah, I forgot about that. Yeah, I was just, uh, going in to the store, just picking up some brews, you know, to bring to the party. Gotta have that Miller Chill, right guys?

Friend 2: We didn't drink any beer at the party.

GWRALSLN: Um...that's because I couldn't get any! I got carded. It was gayyy. Heh.

Friend 1: So were you there during the hold-up?

GWRALSLN: No, I guess the guy came in after I left.

Friend 3: Get this--I heard he used a pink Venus razor to scare the clerk.

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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/0/collegehumor.28312b2ae0149c00422e87d022e79e25.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2008-06-17 12:32:10 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334">Hallie Cantor</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:211"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 21 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1755408 If You Had a Time Machine Sat, 17 May 2008 01:58:52 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1755408 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2> You've put a lot of thought into it, and here are the top 5 times you would go back to:

1. The first time you met your freshman roommate.
Why: Little did you know on that fateful day that he would take "sure, I guess country music's alright" as permission to blast Appalachia'sGreatest Hits all year. And sing along. Loudly.

2. The early 1500s.
Why: In the right place, at the right time, you're prettysure you could come up with the heliocentric model of the solar system that started the ScientificRevolution. It's not like it took that much skill (yeah, you heard me right,Copernicus). Sure, people would call you crazy at first, but you understandthat being a visionary comes with a price. I mean, they call you crazy now, butwho's going to be laughing when your macaroni-and-cheese pizza invention hitsthe big time?

3. Marilyn Monroe's apartment in 1955.
Why: To scratch that "Seven Year Itch" you've had since 8th grade US history class. Come to think of it, you do remind yourself a bit of a young JFK...

4: Last week when that girl in the laundry room asked if you knew "the worst thing about doing laundry."
Why: So you could've said, "Sock it to me!" And then made out with her. God, you're witty. Nobody pulls off the laundry room pickup like you do, friend. Nobody.

5. That time your 9 grade girlfriend told youher dad had encephalitis and you thought she said syphilis.
Why: You're pretty sure she was kind of upset when youlaughed. As were the other members of her family at the dinner table.Whatever. Laundry room chick was hotter than her anyway.
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334"><img src="http://0.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/a/0/collegehumor.28312b2ae0149c00422e87d022e79e25.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:1633334">Hallie Cantor</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:211"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 5 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />