I worked at a store in high school as a stocker and cashier. One day, a lady with about ten items came up to the register and I proceeded to ring her up. While I was doing this, she felt the need to tell me her life story and how the courts took her kids away. When I came to the total, she decided she didn't have enough money, and began having me remove one item at a time and retotaling it. I never found out how much money she had to spend, but eventually she worked her way down to two items: a six-pack of beer and toilet paper. She still didn't have enough....guess which one she threw out. No wonder the courts took your kids away. Enjoy your beer and lack of toilet paper.
-Travis, VMI

I'm a middle school teacher and one day in class most of the kids were picking on one student who has a mole on his cheek. The next day, his mother comes in to talk to me as she's picking her son up. The boys mother is about 5 foot 3, about 230 pounds, and has a thick moustache. When I told her I would watch out for her boy, she said thank you and told me she had been made fun of as a kid too. She said she was made fun of for being fat and hairy. As if I needed any more evidence, she pulled down her shirt to reveal a Burt Reynolds type mane of hair on her upper chest. I haven't made eye contact with her in the two months since.
-Anonymous, College of William and Mary

I used to work at a local pet shop a few years back. Lots of cute girls used to pass through since it was near a high school. As an ice breaker for the ladies, I used to have a cockatoo perched up on my shoulder. Little did I know, the little bastard crapped all over my back...it was too late before I found out. I never imagined being cockblocked by a bird.
-Rich, NY

I don't get it. Just look at her boobs. Or maybe you're gay or something, I dunno. She's naked, right? Just have her tug at your boner. If it doesn't work, you like dudes. Go have sex with a dude or something. I'll bet your boner will stay.

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, but he's never given me an orgasm. Are we doing something wrong?
Carol H., California

You should let him finger you. My friend Ray fingered a girl behind the 7/11 and she came like three times. But Ray says he's really good so I don't know if it will work with your boyfriend. He should still try though.

I started dating this girl about 3 weeks ago, and she already thinks we were "meant to be." How can I let her down gently?
Will C., North Carolina

First of all, how hot is she? You have to ask yourself, "Do I really want to find a new girl to get to second base with when I can already get to second base with this one?" Boobs are boobs, unless they're small. You should only break up with her if she has small boobs.

My partner and I have been keeping our relationship a secret from my family. Is there any way to tell my dad that I'm a lesbian without setting him off?
Lacey L., New York

Lesbians are awesome. If your dad doesn't like lesbians, he's gay. You guys should make out in front of him and send me a video of it.

worksuxiknow[at]gmail.com!

Over the summer I worked at a daycare and we took a kindergarten class outside. This one little boy (who is a little crazy in the head) came up to me and goes "I gotta go potty!" Even though we asked if anyone needed to go before we went outside, I promptly took him to a bathroom. Upon looking in I saw he had already crapped his pants and was picking it up (bare-handed) to throw in the toilet.
-Anonymous

I worked at KFC while in high school. One day around the holidays, an angry group of people stormed into the store and proceeded to drag an employee out into the lobby and beat him with the Christmas tree. Oh yeah, that employee was a convicted rapist and the mob was the victim's family.
-Alex

When I was about 15, I worked at a family restaurant. One day, a woman came in with her newborn baby. She had a high chair and her detachable car seat, but she still insisted that I hold her baby while she went to the bathroom. The baby decided she didn't like lunch and threw it up all over my work shirt. I wasn't given a new shirt and couldn't go home to change. I had to work the next 6 hours smelling like baby vomit.
-Chris, CSU

I used to work at a crappy old cinema during college. The manager was so cheap he'd understaff - so I'd usually be the ticket taker and also run the concession stand -- so when people walked in I'd shout for them to come over to me so I could tear their ticket. The manager also insisted we stood at our "post" for our entire shift. That's why I regularly pissed in the concession stand's tiny under-the-counter sink. And yes, on more than one occasion customers walked in while I did it. They couldn't see anything so I just acted like nothing was going on and kept my junk under the counter.
-Travis

Girl: Ohhhh yeah, baby. Just like th- Wait!

Meat Loaf: What's wrong?

Girl: You can't just get right to it like that.

Meat Loaf: Why not?

Girl: We need...you know. Foreplay.

Meat Loaf: Oh. Wow. Yeah. Not really my thing.

Girl: I thought you said you'd do anything for love?

Meat Loaf: Right. But I won't do that.

Girl: That's what you were talking about? I always thought it was something more profound...

Meat Loaf: Nope. I just don't like going down on chicks.

Girl: So you'd go to "hell and back" before you'd perform oral sex on me?

Meat Loaf: Haha, now you're just trying to make me sound bad.

Girl: I just don't think it's fair.

Meat Loaf: Look, The Loaf doesn't need foreplay to get chicks wet.

worksuxiknow[at]gmail.com!

I work at a fairly large retail drug store and encounter all different types of interesting people. I had an older man stop me as I was stocking shelves one day and tell me that I reminded him of his second ex-wife and he was so glad she had died.
-Anonymous

Within the first two hours of my first substitute teaching job a 5th grade girl told me I had a nice butt. I was sexually harassed by an eleven year old.
-Ethan

Obi-Wan: Can't argue with you there.

Anakin: And another thing-

Obi-Wan: Whoa, whoa. Is that a new saber in your holster?

Anakin: ...What? Haha, no way man. Same old one I've always had.

Obi-Wan: Nope. The handle's totally different. Let me see! Let me see!

*Anakin resists, but Obi-Wan wrestles it away from him.*

Obi-Wan: This looks so badass. How do you turn it on?

So I work at a gym helping the elderly regain muscle function and range of motion.... today I trained a woman in her late 70's for an hour. She was wearing black spandex. She had the worst camel toe possible for the entire session.
-Anonymous

Zach: Just back up, you're drawing agro.

David: I can't, I'm-

Cheryl: *opening the door* David...?

David: Oh sh*t!

Cheryl: Discarded pizza rolls, empty Mountain Dew bottles...What's going on here?

David: We were...I was...fixing Zach's computer!

Cheryl: Liar! *starts bawling* You're having a LAN party aren't you!?

David: You weren't supposed to see this! You aren't supposed to be home for another three hours!

Zach: I should leave.

David: No, you know what? I'm done hiding.

Cheryl: *crying* You told me you were watching football.

David: Zach and I are in love! With Warcraft.

Cheryl: What's next, David? Painting Warhammer figures? Magic The Gathering? You're a child.

Zach: Magic is a complex game of strategy! It's not for kids!

Cheryl: You stay out of this! You...you...virgin loser!