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Joe: How was the bar last night?

Craig: Pretty sweet. Took a chick home with me. We were up all night too, if ya know what I mean.

Joe: Talking?

Craig: Exactly. She had the most fascinating personality.

Joe: Did she have a nice set?

Craig: They were perfect. I could get lost in those eyes for hours.

Joe: Sounds like everything went smoothly.

Craig: Well, not exactly. She wouldn't give it up.

Joe: Ugh, prudes...

Craig: I mean, is it really that hard to say "I love you?"

Joe: Girls HATE commitment.

I saw this on the subway the other day.

New Yorkers will tell you that subway graffiti is not uncommon, in particlar on the subway. Even in more particular is the practice of drawing a penis next to someone's mouth. My pal Nasry even has a joke about how he is afraid to have his own TV show because it will inevitably lead to penises being drawn next to his face. (So far so good!) 

But in this case I have to take exception. This girl doesn't deserve this. I could understand if it was some skanky Bravo reality show about cutting hair or real housewives or "The Cougar"* which seem to fill the subway. Those ads cry out for penis drawings. This is a young lady trying to better herself by getting an education. She's stuck with a shitty sounding book too: Fields of Reading. If reading Catcher in the Rye is the equivalent of finding a million dollars in a suitcase, Fields of Reading sounds like the equivalent of well... having a dick drawn on your face.

1. They can't make sound effects with their mouths.
Why, according to her: What are you talking about? She so can make sound effects. Guns go "pew pew." Explosions go "schploom." Dead on.
Why, according to reality: Because girls can't hear what they sound like. That's also why they think those shrill exclamations they make in bars are adorable and that those derogatory remarks they make in public about your eating habits are quiet.

2. After the end of a long-term relationship, they get an unflattering haircut.
Why, according to her: Because it will signify independence and is just so much more practical and she's always wanted to do it, so why not now, right?
Why, according to reality: Because her heinous new 'do will give her something else to regret besides the 2 years and 64 compromising pictures she allowed whatshisname to have.

3. They think they look cute in baseball shirts.
Why, according to her: That thing? Oh, no, that is just her gross shirt. Why? Do you like it?
Why, according to reality: She thinks it gives her an I-just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-threw-this-on-and-transformed-into-the-girl-next-door-you-want-to-marry-and-play-videogames-with-for-the-rest-of-your-life look. She doesn't realize it just gives her mannish shoulders.

Sure, people know that smoking kills you. But can they visualize it? Maybe if they saw a crowded city street full of crying baby dolls or a hospital entrance blocked off by 70 empty stretchers they'd finally understand.

Never mind the fact that tripping over a f*cking toy on your way to work or not being able to get into a hospital is way more annoying than secondhand smoke. They can edit in little orange dots over the heads of passersby and make it look like they learned something from their little melodramatic street performance!

Besides, how would we have ever known that smoking causes cancer had some smug twenty-something not been yelling about it through a megaphone? I mean, it's not like it's written on the package or anything. Or that Generation Y has been raised in society that openly condemns it.

Likelihood of making it to class at all
Percentage of Stairway to Heaven listened to during walk
Hatred for long-boarders
Likelihood you missed that participation point
Piggy-back rides
Amount girlfriend pissed off
Calls checking up with mom

With the election days away, more and more Americans are becoming interested in the political process. This is great news for the 24 hour news networks, and more specifically, the pundits who infest them. The landscape of pundits is reflective of the diversity of America, as it ranges from rich white guys who grew up on the East Coast to rich white guys who currently spend half their summers on the East Coast. Below is a primer to help you get to know them better, including their celebrity resemblance, a fun drinking game to play with your friends, which 90s band they most resemble, and a douche-o-meter, measured in O'Reillys, ranging from 1 to 6.

 

CNN Headline News, Glenn Beck Conservative

Of all the pundits on television, Glenn Beck is the most outspoken despiser of phony, disingenuous, and opportunistic politicians and celebrities who turn their personal problems and the problems of others into self-indulgent money making business opportunities. And if you don't believe me, then watch his television show, or listen to his radio show, or read one of his books, or purchase a ticket to one of his live shows, where he is sure to delve into his personal story as a former alcoholic who got clean, got married, and then re-discovered religion. Beck's call for an end to political correctness carries a lot of weight, especially since he is a member of the group for whom political correctness has affected the most, the white Christian male population.

Celebrity Resemblance: Barney Rubble, but less human.

Drinking game: Chug a beer every time he complains about the Republican party, then endorses every single one of their candidates.

If He Were A 90s Band, He'd Be: Everclear, then Creed.

Douche-o-meter: 6 O'Reillys

Most people who live in large, urban centers, or anyplace where the population has cracked 100 or so, probably have at least one hobo around town. And while the popular sentiment is that homelessness is a problem and we need to help, there's also the pervasive monkey on the back of every hobo: namely that they're a raving loon who thinks they have a monkey on their back. But this is just a stereotype and the fact is there are many stereotypes that deserve equal consideration. And thanks to the current economy we're all enjoying, the future of hoboing is brighter than ever.  Thus, in the tradition of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, we offer you this guide to identify and catalog hobos.

The Ranter - A popular vagabond due to their "look at me" style, the Ranter is the wastrel you cross the street to avoid and not just because of that stank. Indeed, on a warm summer's day, the Ranter may set himself up outside your favorite mall, one eye looking skyward while the other attempts to peer into your very soul and begin raving about how the government put arsenic in his oatmeal and those geese in the park are nothing but sodomites who talk about him behind his back. The Ranter's effectiveness seems to directly correlate to both how loud he can share a string of epic obscenities and how well dressed the people he wants to listen to him are.

 

 

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The Entrepreneur - No regular bum this, the Entrepreneur is the 'can do' vagrant of today. Not content to be like his begging cousins, the Entrepreneur has a get up and go that makes him wait at busy intersections with a scrap of newsprint and an old Coke bottle he's filled with water and hand sanitizer from down at the clinic. When he finds a potential client stuck at a red light, he springs into action by hobbling over and smudging the sanitizer-laced paper across their windshield in exchange for a few cents. And while this may actually make the window dirtier, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs and this drifter can't make your window clean if he's covered in his own urine.

 

 

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The Millionaire - Curiously, once a town gets large enough, the Millionaire inevitably shows up in local lore and will remain for many years. Potentially disguised as a Ranter, the Millionaire is just what his name suggests. He's stinking rich. At least that's what everyone says, because it's fun to believe when you're enjoying the lower middle class life, someone out there achieved their fortune and decided that instead of living in a mansion, living behind the KFC dumpster and wearing shoes made out of hardened discs of feces would be an interesting adventure to go on. This tramp never speaks of their fortune, potentially due to dementia or just snobbery, and will often be seen counting out pennies to buy McDonald's coffee on a Sunday morning.

 

 

 

Producer: Gentlemen, thank you for coming. We invited you all here today out of respect and admiration for your craft. Each of you have had multiple songs that were popular with the college aged demographic, the group we believe to be most important and influential. Specifically we brought you here to give us a few pointers on how to make a dynamic bro band. We want the chilliest band EVER. Like, literally, we want this band to induce weed-like trances just from one listen. OK, so let's start brainstorming. Just throw out anything you think might help. Jack, can you start?

Jack Johnson: Well obviously it's going to be an acoustic rock band?

Producer: Yes, yes of course.

Ben Harper: That's good, but make sure there's a black guy in the band. Super chill.

Producer: Oooh good idea. That will be mega chill.

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Jason Michaels is the Virgin Mobile Summer Intern. Read his blog HERE