I'm having trouble maintaining an erection during intercourse with my wife. Do you have any tips to help me perform better?
Mike F., New Jersey

I don't get it. Just look at her boobs. Or maybe you're gay or something, I dunno. She's naked, right? Just have her tug at your boner. If it doesn't work, you like dudes. Go have sex with a dude or something. I'll bet your boner will stay.

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, but he's never given me an orgasm. Are we doing something wrong?
Carol H., California

You should let him finger you. My friend Ray fingered a girl behind the 7/11 and she came like three times. But Ray says he's really good so I don't know if it will work with your boyfriend. He should still try though.

I started dating this girl about 3 weeks ago, and she already thinks we were "meant to be." How can I let her down gently?
Will C., North Carolina

First of all, how hot is she? You have to ask yourself, "Do I really want to find a new girl to get to second base with when I can already get to second base with this one?" Boobs are boobs, unless they're small. You should only break up with her if she has small boobs.

My partner and I have been keeping our relationship a secret from my family. Is there any way to tell my dad that I'm a lesbian without setting him off?
Lacey L., New York

Lesbians are awesome. If your dad doesn't like lesbians, he's gay. You guys should make out in front of him and send me a video of it.

Sometimes the employees of a company are so consistent in the way they perform a certain task, it seems that's how they must have been trained.  Here, without naming names, are these companies' employee manuals...probably.

---

Luke, C-3PO and R2-D2 walk into the Mos Eisley Cantina. The Bartender stops them.

Bartender: Hey! We don't serve their kind here!

Luke: What?

Bartender: Your droids. They'll have to wait outside.

C-3PO and RD-D2 turn to leave.

Bartender: Oh, sorry, the short one can stay. Just not the shiny, prissy one.

Luke: I'm sorry?

Bartender: The effeminate one with the lisp. We don't serve his kind here.

C-3PO: Apologies, sir, it's a British accent. If it offends you, I can certainly...

Luke cuts him off.

Luke: What are you trying to say, buddy?

Aladdin: Genie, I've got my first wish.

Genie: Alright, let's hear it.

Aladdin: I want Princess Jasmine to lust for me non-stop.

Genie: Uh-uh, I can't make anyone fall in love with -

Aladdin: No. Lust. Like, she wants to bang me all the time, day and night. No love required.

Genie: Oh...come on. That's pretty much the same thing.

Aladdin: I live on the streets and my best friend is the monkey from Outbreak, you think I'm ready for a steady girlfriend?

Well well well...It's come to my attention that despite my previous and painfully clear instructions, some of you are still failing to nail any chick you want. Weird, I know. But because my drop-dread good looks and winning personality are matched only by my boundless compassion, I've decided to give you helpless few some more inside advice to aid you in your carnal pursuits. So if babies, sandwiches, and periodic clubbings didn't do it for you, here are some more tips for getting the lady of your dreams this semester...

1. Find Her Best Friend and Hit on Her

The modern woman isn't afraid of a challenge and nothing sparks that competitive flame within us all like pitting two friends against each other. Here's the thing fellas, behind every obnoxious BFF LYLAS 4 EVA friendship is the insatiable desire to claw each others' eyes out. Why else would chicks dig pillow fights and mud wrestling so much? Start talking up the object of your desire (henceforth known as "Prey") and then flip the switch and go for her friend. I know what you're thinking, "Won't they both see through my thinly veiled attempt to double my odds?" The answer, of course, is no. We're not that smart.

2. Be Yourself

Now that you've got the attention of her and her friend, feel free to just let your guard down and be... hahaha just kidding.

It's a well-known fact that guys like to name their junk. Balls, shaft, the whole package. Celebrities are no different. Through extensive personal research, I managed to compile this list of celebs and the nicknames that they have for their bits and pieces.

NOTE: In case it's not clear, balls are listed first. Of course.

Matt Groening, creator of The Simpsons:
Itchy, Scratchy, Bleeding Gums Murphy











Robert DeNiro, actor:
The Untouchables, Raging Bull

Things look a little different when you're drunk...