I'm having trouble maintaining an erection during intercourse with my wife. Do you have any tips to help me perform better?
Mike F., New Jersey

I don't get it. Just look at her boobs. Or maybe you're gay or something, I dunno. She's naked, right? Just have her tug at your boner. If it doesn't work, you like dudes. Go have sex with a dude or something. I'll bet your boner will stay.

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, but he's never given me an orgasm. Are we doing something wrong?
Carol H., California

You should let him finger you. My friend Ray fingered a girl behind the 7/11 and she came like three times. But Ray says he's really good so I don't know if it will work with your boyfriend. He should still try though.

I started dating this girl about 3 weeks ago, and she already thinks we were "meant to be." How can I let her down gently?
Will C., North Carolina

First of all, how hot is she? You have to ask yourself, "Do I really want to find a new girl to get to second base with when I can already get to second base with this one?" Boobs are boobs, unless they're small. You should only break up with her if she has small boobs.

My partner and I have been keeping our relationship a secret from my family. Is there any way to tell my dad that I'm a lesbian without setting him off?
Lacey L., New York

Lesbians are awesome. If your dad doesn't like lesbians, he's gay. You guys should make out in front of him and send me a video of it.

For most college students, Thanksgiving break will be the first time you go home all year. Here are some helpful tips for readjusting during your brief return to the real world.

1. Everyone gains weight at college. It's not a big deal. All that matters is who got the fattest. Do NOT be the fattest. 
   

   Come on guys, it's been like 10lbs tops.
2. Hang out with your ex at least once. Christmas break is around the corner and you need to start laying the groundwork for that disastrous hook-up now.
3. Do NOT bring your roommate home. Your high schoolfriends will hate your roommate. Your roommate will think your highschool friends are total d-bags. Drinking in Kevin's garage will get awkward quickly.
   
4. Do not expect the fake ID you made using only MS Paint and a glue stick to work at home.
5. If it does work, expect an unfortunate run-in with your parents' friends at the bar.

After getting her start in hit web series like The Jeannie Tate Show and ESPN's Mayne Street (she's also appeared in a CollegeHumor video or two), Aubrey Plaza currently appears in NBC's Parks and Recreation. She recently finished shooting Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, directed by Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead). She made her feature debut this summer opposite Seth Rogen in Funny People, which comes out on DVD this week. She also wouldn't mind if you followed her on Twitter. 

In Funny People, you play a stand-up. You hadn't done stand-up before the movie, correct?

The first time I did it was in Queens. I did do it just for the film - I had met with Judd and I knew the only obstacle was that I wasn't a real stand-up. Then, when I was cast, I came out to L.A. and had to immediately start doing shows with the rest of the cast. I kind of got thrown into it, but I really liked it so I kept doing it. I'm still doing it now.

You came up through the UCB Theatre - how do you feel about the relationship between stand-up and improv?

Improv is obviously collaborative because you have support and people around you. For me, stand-up is terrifying and really, really hard and scary because it's all on you and your delivery and what you're writing and how you're saying it and everything so it's kind of unapologetic.

Stand-ups will spend hours writing and rehearsing a joke to make it sound organic, improv is always that way.

Totally. In terms of what I like, I think I like improvising more. I don't like planned things, but I like writing too. It's a good exercise for your comedy brain to write stand-up jokes and see how they work.

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"I thought we asked you to bring the cranberry sauce."

Every American knows the story of the First Thanksgiving, when the Wampanoag Indians saved the Pilgrims from starvation and the two peoples celebrated with a feast. Lesser known is the "Second Thanksgiving." Like most Holidays, there was a lot of aggression..

GOVERNOR BRADFORD: (raising a glass) ...And so I'd like to propose a toast to another feast of Thanksgiving, and to our good neighbors, the Wampanoag.

CHIEF MASSASOIT: We are happy to see you have prospered these last 12 months. In fact, we've noticed there are more of you this year. A lot more.

GOVERNOR:  Indeed, new boats from the Old World are landing every day.

CHIEF: So then you're all here to stay? Or...?

GOVERNOR: Of course! Come now, what foods have your people brought?

CHIEF: Nothing. You guys built a city where we used to grow our crops, remember?

GOVERNOR: (under his breath) I thought we weren't going to get into this at dinner.

Sometimes the employees of a company are so consistent in the way they perform a certain task, it seems that's how they must have been trained.  Here, without naming names, are these companies' employee manuals...probably.

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Luke, C-3PO and R2-D2 walk into the Mos Eisley Cantina. The Bartender stops them.

Bartender: Hey! We don't serve their kind here!

Luke: What?

Bartender: Your droids. They'll have to wait outside.

C-3PO and RD-D2 turn to leave.

Bartender: Oh, sorry, the short one can stay. Just not the shiny, prissy one.

Luke: I'm sorry?

Bartender: The effeminate one with the lisp. We don't serve his kind here.

C-3PO: Apologies, sir, it's a British accent. If it offends you, I can certainly...

Luke cuts him off.

Luke: What are you trying to say, buddy?

Aladdin: Genie, I've got my first wish.

Genie: Alright, let's hear it.

Aladdin: I want Princess Jasmine to lust for me non-stop.

Genie: Uh-uh, I can't make anyone fall in love with -

Aladdin: No. Lust. Like, she wants to bang me all the time, day and night. No love required.

Genie: Oh...come on. That's pretty much the same thing.

Aladdin: I live on the streets and my best friend is the monkey from Outbreak, you think I'm ready for a steady girlfriend?