Articles by Neal Drew on CollegeHumor

Physically, the gymnast was way better

by Neal Drew August 28, 2008

Physically, the gymnast was way better,
Yea dude, no doubt.

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Little Gerry's Got a Habit

by Neal Drew August 28, 2008

Little Gerry loves his Lego's
He loves his Cheerios,
But he's got a little secret
That not even his mommy knows.
Because Gerry loves Rockstar III
He loves his expensive Nerf-Gun,
But he also loves smack,
And that's why he sold his
Yugi-Oh collection.

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I'll pretend to be offended if you ask me if I'm juicing

by Neal Drew August 28, 2008

I'll pretend to be outraged
At your absurd insinuation
When inside I'm celebrating
And getting excited for
Flexing in front of the next bathroom mirror
In the spare minutes before dinner.

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I hear a New Yorker

by Neal Drew August 28, 2008

It just has to be one.
The loud, braying tone,
The hairspray in the air
The way you felt the class
Get sucked right out of the room.

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The postman likes to think of himself as quietly sexy

by Neal Drew August 28, 2008

The postman likes to think of himself as quietly sexy,
And there's no mistaking it.
His cologne is a little too expensive,
And his shins a little too shaved
For him not to have a mental image of himself
As a Mildly Erotic Mail Carrier.

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Ashley's got a sore throat, and it's not because she's sick

by Neal Drew August 28, 2008

Oh no.
Not strep.
It's something really different.
Something over the weekend
That wicked Brian suggested.

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I just took the joke too far for the 10 millionth time

by Neal Drew August 28, 2008

I just took a hilarious and inventive thought
Beyond the point of humor
And deep into the countryside of annoyance.
People who were laughing just seconds ago
Are exchanging knowing looks
And mentally preparing hurtful comments.

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That was the most pimped out shitbox I have ever seen

by Neal Drew August 28, 2008

And right now I am praying that he circles back around
So I can truly appreciate
The amount of work
This man
Chose to put into
A car whose rust sores
And missing muffler
And dangling tail light
Make me say "Oh dear, what a pity."

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I am the Hitler of the Insect World

by Neal Drew August 28, 2008

Ants shake in their boots
When I draw near.
When I open up my fishing tackle box
A funhouse of insect torture tools is revealed.
The termites know
But the beetles are blithely ignorant
Running their routes
Rolling in dung
Unaware that my appetite is growing
And my magnifying glass is warm.

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Smiling old woman, are you blind or insane?

by Neal Drew August 28, 2008

I really don't know,
If your vacant smile,
And misty eyes
Are the result of blindness
Or madness.
But the way you just
Dropped a pocketful of daisies
In a symmetrical arrangement
In the crosswalk
Makes the lean towards the latter.

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I doubt you are raising money for Pop Warner football

by Neal Drew August 28, 2008

The way you stared at your shoes
And the extremely wrinkled condition of your signup sheet
Combined with the fact that
All of the names are written in your 3rd grade handwriting
And there are several repeats
And that you asked me for cash, before you explained
that it was for Pop Warner football
Makes me severely doubt
That you are being entirely honest.

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I think my cock ring is septic

by Neal Drew August 28, 2008

Yes, it just might be drastically infected.
My long weekend in Amsterdam
Turned out to be even more productive than I imagined
It produced an infection that
Makes it hard to say
"I'm in this S & M game fo life, yo!".
Turns out that Argentinian transsexuals
May not be as innocent
As their online bio's claim.

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Erection in a Funeral

by Neal Drew August 27, 2008

This is so inappropriate.
I deserve to be the one in the coffin.
But my condition at the moment
Would make that even more glaringly out of line.
An elderly man is staring at me sternly
I wonder if he knows,
Or if he too
Has managed to summon up
A diabolical level of wood-ity
In this somber setting.

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There

by Neal Drew August 27, 2008

He's stuck there, and he must be in pain.
A single, Christ-like tear trickled down his saintly cheek
As the Bridgestone tire dug into his abdomen
His hand quivered slightly,
As he nimbly produced 3 pamphlets from his overcoat pocket,
And apologized about their bloodstained condition.

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That cab driver may have threatened/propositioned me

by Neal Drew August 27, 2008

That cab driver may have threatened/propositioned me.
He might want to kill me or bed me.
He shook his finger, said some gibberish
Blew me a kiss and did a pretend pistol to the temple thing
Either way I'm disturbed
And now I'm wondering why
He felt the need to put his hazard lights
And step out the cab,
His Hawaiian shirt askew.

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I think your swagger makes you official

by Neal Drew August 27, 2008

That's it, I'm convinced.
The swagger's all we'll need to see.
Something about it suggests
"I'm jaded by so many shootouts"
I barely noticed the slightly unorthodox Nautica logo
That's how well you carried yourself.
And people stepped aside, for sure
Enough for you to walk sideways in several places.

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Many People saw me expose myself in that Brookstone

by Neal Drew August 27, 2008

Many people saw me expose myself in that Brookstone's
Oh many, many, many people gasped.
"Call the cops, can't somebody call the fucking cops?"
Many, many, many people asked.
I stood there quite still
Because I thought I could blend in
But the officers painfully wrestled me down
My aroused state made it quite hard to pin me completely
And one officer said "you sick fuck!"
With a nasty old frown.

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Uncle Lenny was a mischievous scamp

by Neal Drew August 27, 2008

Uncle Lenny was a mischievous scamp
And nobody knew it but me.
Once when Mommy and Daddy were in the kitchen
He showed me his "snake" for free.
I ran to share the joke, but he pinned my arms with force,
And gave me a wink,
And a magical grin.
From then on we were thick as thieves
Although Lenny was awfully strong.
I used to protest and say "I'm too tired"
But that never lasted for long!

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I'm curious about my neighbor with the black van

by Neal Drew August 27, 2008

I'm curious about my neighbor with the black van.
He's a very, very, very busy man.
He always brings a friend
Who rides in the back
And bangs on the glass in a very merry way.
He comes to let them out,
Sometimes they make a little noise
But then he says "hush"
And gently guides them inside,
Because their hands are usually broken and tied.

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My breasts are organic

by Neal Drew August 27, 2008

I live such a pure and healthy lifestyle
It seems to have spread to my breasts.
Sorry! No fast food here!
Just wholesomeness and goodness
And a little bit of teat.
Tempt me with trans-fats, and processed ingredients?
No.
This cow grazes in greener pastures.