Owen Parsons's Articles

4 total in October 2009

Halloween 2009

Razor Blade Apples

by Owen Parsons October 29, 2009

Interior - The Spooky Old House Up the Block - Halloween Night

The old witch Mrs. Wilkins talks to her evil cat familiar, Hugo.

Mrs. Wilkins: Tonight's the night, Hugo. Tonight, when the moon is large and the spirits fly from their tombs, I shall take my revenge on the children of this town with razor blade-laced apples to spoil their goodie bags!

Hugo: Meow.

Doorbell rings. Mrs. Wilkins opens her front door, clutching a bowl of goodies.

Tommy and Lucy: Trick or Treat!

Mrs. Wilkins: Hello, little children. Would you like some candy? A Snickers bar? Some Nerds? Or perhaps an innocent, succulent APPLE!

Lightning. Thunderclap.

Tommy: Snickers bar!

Lucy: Yay! Nerds!

Mrs. Wilkins: Yeah, um... so no one wants the apple? Hmm? Anyone?

Lucy: No thanks! Bye, Mrs. Wilkins!

Mrs. Wilkins: No, wait! Hang on. I really think you kids should take this apple.

Tommy: Why?

Mrs. Wilkins: Why? Why? Because it's Halloween, that's why. This is a treat. You're trick-or-treaters. When I was a kid, I would have given anything for a juicy red apple like this. You could even say... I'd die for it.

Lightning. Thunderclap.

Tommy: Apples are gross.
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Five Bosses You'll Have After College
by Owen Parsons October 26, 2009

1. The "Why Isn't This Working?" Boss

At first, you may mistake this guy for an unusually thick intern. But once he parks himself behind his executive credenza and starts bawling about his email client, your ego will be piledrived by the horrible truth: this flailing man-child is your boss.

Odds are you'll never get to your real job, since you'll spend every moment helping this special-needs supervisor send "eMemos" through his "BlogBerry." Why has someone who can't understand how a mouse works been given control over other human beings? Maybe it's fate, or maybe it's because your entire life is the subject of Japan's #1 Hidden Camera Prank Show: "Happy Go Go Dream-Crushing: American Youth Has Maximum Aneurysm With Peanut Sauce."

You May Already Know Him: In college, he was the guy outside your window at 4AM screaming "Why isn't the food court open?" and sobbing while he tugged on the door handle.

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CollegeHumor Classic

7 New Professors on RateMyProfessors.com

by Owen Parsons October 13, 2009

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King Koopa Becomes Bowser
by Owen Parsons October 06, 2009

Koopa Troopa, Goomba, Shy Guy and Bob-omb sit in a pub.
Hey guys!
Troopa: How much longer they got you walking between those two pipes?
Goomba: Two more weeks on the job, then I'm retired. I can't wait to see my kids again.
King Koopa enters.
King Koopa: Hey guys!
Everyone: Hey, King Koopa!
King Koopa: Ha, yeah, about that actually. You guys can just call me Bowser now.
Everyone looks confused.
Goomba: Bowser? What's Bowser?
King Koopa: It's my new nickname. You know, I'm a big turtle dinosaur, and everyone bows before me. I am the Bow-saur! Or Bowser, cause that's easier to say.
Goomba: That's retarded.
King Koopa crushes Goomba.
Troopa: Oh my god! Well, I definitely think it's cool!
King Koopa: Thanks! I knew I could count on you guys. So it's settled, I'm Bowser from now on.
Shy Guy: I don't know. What was wrong with just being King Koopa?
King Koopa: Uh, well... it's just that "King Koopa" was my father's name. And his father's, and his father's before that. That's kind of how monarchy works, you know? I figured it was time for a change.
Bob-omb: So this has nothing to do with the fact that someone spray-painted "King Poopa" all over your castle last week?

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