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Disclaimer: Tweets are chronologically backwards for the sake of readability

There comes a time in a professional wrestler's career when cutting a mean promo on the Ultimate Warrior isn't creatively satisfying. They need more. They need to write and perform terrible songs for people to laugh at. Maybe they overestimated their talents, or perhaps they took a few too many chairshots to the head. Regardless, here are seven grapplers who picked up way more than they could body slam.

Professional wrestlers need a gimmick. Shawn Michaels was vain. The Undertaker was an undead warrior who drew mystical power from an urn. Stone Cold was a wife-beating alcoholic. John Cena, arguably the most popular wrestler in the WWE today, intimidates his opponents with freestyle rap. It's a natural fit -- becoming a champion in pro-wrestling isn't about who has the best piledriver, it's about declaring yourself the best and challenging the sexuality of your opponents. After Cena recorded his own theme song, a rap about rap called "Basic Thuganmoics," the WWE decided there would be no more pussyfooting around and it was time to produce an entire album. The Doctor of Thuganmoics named his first record after his outright lie of a slogan, "You Can't See Me." It debuted at #15 on the Billboard Chart and remains the most commercially successful album by a pro-wrestler. Whether this real-world accomplishment is more impressive than his seven world championships and two tag-team championships, we'll let you decide.

Weird Al has adapted to the Internet better than any other artist from the 80's. His Chamillionaire parody "White and Nerdy" has over 50 million views on YouTube, and is currently one of the site's most popular videos of all-time. The song was his career peak, going all the way to#9 on the Billboard Hot 100 (his previous best - "Eat It" at #12 in1984). Since then he's explored digital distribution which, for the first time in his three decade career, has allowed him to parody current events and songs that are popular right now. Really, it's hard to believe Weird Al survived at all - much less thrived - before iTunes and YouTube. He recently released The Essential Weird Al collects 38 of Al's best songs into two discs.

CollegeHumor: How did you decide which were the greatest hits from your distinguished career?

Weird Al: It was tough. I've got twelve studio albums of material and I did have to leave off a lot of stuff that some fans think should have been on the essentials collection. There's some historically important ones missing. "My Bologna," isn't even on there, which was my first pseudo-hit. Even though My Bologna was historically important, it wasn't so brilliant I would consider it among my best work. So I had to weigh fan favorites with what I thought were songs that actually merited being on a best-of compilation.

CH: So you hand picked the songs yourself?

WA: I did, yeah.

CH: When you were going through your earlier albums, did you rediscover any material that you'd forgotten about?

WA: I don't think I'd actually literally forgotten about any of it but it was kinda nice to listen to some of the old tracks again that I hadn't heard in a while. It also was an opportunity to clean up a couple things. This new collection is completely remastered. It's not remixed, but we cleaned it up. I won't mention where exactly because I don't want people to obsess over it the way I did, but there were a couple songs that had a few little pops and ticks and just little things that probably most people have never heard before in their life but they'd been bugging me for 25 years.

Interior - The Spooky Old House Up the Block - Halloween Night
The old witch Mrs. Wilkins talks to her evil cat familiar, Hugo.

Mrs. Wilkins: Tonight's the night, Hugo. Tonight, when the moon is large and the spirits fly from their tombs, I shall take my revenge on the children of this town with razor blade-laced apples to spoil their goodie bags!

Hugo: Meow.

Doorbell rings. Mrs. Wilkins opens her front door, clutching a bowl of goodies.

Tommy and Lucy: Trick or Treat!

Mrs. Wilkins: Hello, little children. Would you like some candy? A Snickers bar? Some Nerds? Or perhaps an innocent, succulent APPLE!

Lightning. Thunderclap.

Tommy: Snickers bar!

Lucy: Yay! Nerds!

Mrs. Wilkins: Yeah, um... so no one wants the apple? Hmm? Anyone?

Lucy: No thanks! Bye, Mrs. Wilkins!

Mrs. Wilkins: No, wait! Hang on. I really think you kids should take this apple.

Tommy: Why?

Mrs. Wilkins: Why? Why? Because it's Halloween, that's why. This is a treat. You're trick-or-treaters. When I was a kid, I would have given anything for a juicy red apple like this. You could even say... I'd die for it.

Lightning. Thunderclap.

Tommy: Apples are gross.

At first, you may mistake this guy for an unusually thick intern. But once he parks himself behind his executive credenza and starts bawling about his email client, your ego will be piledrived by the horrible truth: this flailing man-child is your boss.

Odds are you'll never get to your real job, since you'll spend every moment helping this special-needs supervisor send "eMemos" through his "BlogBerry." Why has someone who can't understand how a mouse works been given control over other human beings? Maybe it's fate, or maybe it's because your entire life is the subject of Japan's #1 Hidden Camera Prank Show: "Happy Go Go Dream-Crushing: American Youth Has Maximum Aneurysm With Peanut Sauce."

You May Already Know Him: In college, he was the guy outside your window at 4AM screaming "Why isn't the food court open?" and sobbing while he tugged on the door handle.

Signing up for a club this semester? Make sure you know what you're really joining. Roll-over these Club Fair posters to see what's really going on.

Our newest Illustrator, Evan, was nice enough to follow in the steps of our previous illustrators and draw a comic Streeter and I have been dying to make. Sarah, happily makes a cameo.*

Pat also, was ecstatic to see his wildest dreams come to life by Evan's hand.

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For centuries Man wondered what wiped out the dinosaurs millions of years ago. Then a bunch of know-it-all scientists ruined our fun and told us it was probably just a big rock from space. But that hasn't stopped science fiction from offering its own insane theories on what (or what evil alien race) killed off our reptilian predecessors.


THEORY:
A meteorite did wipe out most of the dinosaurs, but the impact also created a parallel dimension where they continued to evolve
THEORIST:
Super Mario Bros. (the movie)


What exactly is a koopa? Bowser seems to be a cross between a turtle and a dinosaur, but then what does he want with the human Princess? Controversial issues like these made the story of Super Mario Bros. difficult to adapt. The writers decided that koopas were dinosaurs who had been hiding out in another dimension, and while most had evolved into something vaguely human one had become Dennis Hopper. They were also apparently such big fans of Mario, they insisted that the exposition explaining the scenario be animated using the SNES classic Mario Paint.

Koopa Troopa, Goomba, Shy Guy and Bob-omb sit in a pub. 

Troopa: How much longer they got you walking between those two pipes?

Goomba: Two more weeks on the job, then I'm retired. I can't wait to see my kids again.

King Koopa enters.

King Koopa: Hey guys!

Everyone: Hey, King Koopa! 

King Koopa: Ha, yeah, about that actually. You guys can just call me Bowser now.

Everyone looks confused.

Goomba: Bowser? What's Bowser?

King Koopa: It's my new nickname. You know, I'm a big turtle dinosaur, and everyone bows before me. I am the Bow-saur! Or Bowser, cause that's easier to say.

Goomba: That's retarded.

King Koopa crushes Goomba.

Troopa: Oh my god! Well, I definitely think it's cool!

King Koopa: Thanks! I knew I could count on you guys. So it's settled, I'm Bowser from now on.

Shy Guy: I don't know. What was wrong with just being King Koopa?

King Koopa: Uh, well... it's just that "King Koopa" was my father's name. And his father's, and his father's before that. That's kind of how monarchy works, you know? I figured it was time for a change.

Bob-omb: So this has nothing to do with the fact that someone spray-painted "King Poopa" all over your castle last week?

Ever brought a girl back to your place after a party? There's more to consider than just how long you last...

TV: Guys, he just put on The Notebook! He's hooking up!

Door: I'm not locked! I'm not locked! What do I do?!

Walls: Oh god, the pressure, why can't we be thicker?

Computer: Does this mean no porn tonight? Awh man...

Wallet: I THINK there's a condom in me. If not, bad luck Bed.

Bed: Ahh sh*t, I was only changed yesterday. Wait, they might do it on the carpet like last time.

Carpet: Not a chance, I gave him a burn he won't soon forget. You're screwed.

Bed: Desk?

Desk: Are you kidding? They only do it on me in the movies. I'm so lonely...

Bed: Thank god this chick is lighter than that last one. I was aching for
days.

Carpet: Awh yeah! His shirt just landed on me. It's going down!

I have a younger friend who dates a Psychology TA at her school, and she sent me this amazing exchange he had with a student last semester. 

Some excerpts from the zombie population's answer to the popular book 'The Zombie Survival Guide.'