A pirate ship lies trapped inside a giant cave off the coast of Astoria, Oregon.
One-Eyed Willie and his first mate Derek sit at a table covered with treasure. They're surrounded by several dead pirates.

Willie: So how be the booby trap situation?

Derek: Well, everything's all set up like you wanted so no one should ever be able to get in here.

Willie: Great.

Derek: There's a couple things though...

Willie: Aye?

Derek: Well, it's just that we've been in here for like six years, right?

Willie: Yar.

Derek: Right. And we've managed to survive that entire time...in a cave...with minimal resources.

Willie: What be yer point?

Derek: Okay, well, my point is that we've been a pretty resourceful group,right? We dug tunnels, made a deadfall, carved that stone into a giant skull... We set up a goddamn waterslide...

Willie: So?

Derek: Dude, Jack built a fucking pipe organ out of human bones! Not to mention we've rigged up the entire cave to collapse in on itself if someone touches the treasure.

Willie: 'Tis pretty amazing, aye?

Derek: Yeah, 'tis. But I'm saying if we were able to do all that, shouldn't we be able to get out of here?

Wow. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine I'd have this much money!

It seems like only yesterday that I was living day to day, trying to make ends meet through my lowly job in public restroom maintenance.

In fact, it was yesterday... and it was only a week ago that I decided to suck it up and buy my ticket to a better life.

In hindsight, I can't see why I was so reluctant to ever buy into the whole lottery ?thing' in the first place. I guess I just didn't believe that it was possible to achieve such enormous wealth so quickly and easily!

I'm still coming to terms with the fact that this process is even logical... I mean, if it's really this easy, why doesn't everyone just go out and buy 9.5 million dollars?

It's really quite simple: You buy a ticket that costs eight dollars, and a few days later you exchange your ticket for 9.5 million dollars... hello??? Does any one else want to get in on this?!

It was eighth grade and I had never been kissed and me and some friends were hanging out and all encouraging me to kiss my crush. So finally I told myself the next time someone tells me to kiss him I'll do it. Turns out my crush was the first one to mention it because he said "kiss me", so I went in and kissed him. As soon as our lips parted he said "No I said, "Casey", Casey was out friend sitting across from us.
-Sara, UCDavis

My now ex-gf canceled on a double date a 1/2 hour before we were supposed to go out. I had to call my friend as he was already on his way over to my house and tell him he was on his own for dinner now. Then she broke up with me that night saying she wasn't ready for a relationship. She called me the next day and asked me to buy her booze.
-BMB

I never appreciated the song centerfold until i stumbled across a picture of my ex-girlfriend naked on the internet.
-Brett Y.

A girl once called me 82 times in one night. You think she would have figured it out once I didn't pick up the first time. We weren't dating.
-Bill, Bowling Green

College has ended, and your lack of a job coupled with an overwhelming urge to save money has lead you back to the one place you vowed you'd never return: home. Lucky for you, your parents won't act much differently than the sh*tty roommate you're leaving behind. Can you tell who said what? Roll over for the answers.

Alright, so you've been around the block in your time. You've eaten a pomegranate or two, you cracked a mango once before, and the local grocery store sells coconuts. You know that when you eat asparagus or beans you'll smell it later and you know that the Jambul can be used to treat diarrhea and diabetes. Here's some food that you may, however, not be quite so aware of (but you probably should be):

Tragopogon porrifolius or Purple Salsify
This plant is an invasive species in North America, originally from the Mediterranean, and actually decently common in many regions. The root, however, is quite the strange little fruit in that it tastes like oysters, so much so that this plant is commonly known as the Oyster Plant. It can also be used for a variety of other purposes, including folk medicine and in chewing gum, but don't eat it unless you like seafood. Be aware the first time you eat it, though, because it is also a diuretic--eat too much and you may just go ahead and piss yourself.

Durio zibethinus or the Durian
Alright, this fruit is pretty well known in the East--in fact, it is banned on public transportation and in hotels throughout a number of regions. What would cause such a unified effort against this "sweet and savory" fruit of decent popularity? It isn't dangerous, but it does smell awful. The smell of this fruit has been likened to rotting meat, vomit and pig shit to name a few. While there are many types of durian ranging in taste, Durio zibethinus is the only one available on the international market and tastes of almond custard, if you can get past the smell. It's also used as an antipyretic, or a fever reducer--just make sure you shower after.

Today I had the extreme misfortune of attending the 1-year anniversary of the amusement park, "Tootsie's Cabaret." Not only is it not amusing in the slightest, but I'm pretty sure it's a concentration camp and I'm shocked that I made it out alive.

I entered the park around 10 am for the modest fee of $5. The first ride I went on was a rollercoaster called "Tits" which basically goes around in a circle without ever leaving the ground. I am utterly shocked at how popular this ride is.

After; I waited in line for about 5 hours for the ride, "Death Jump." Here's where things got weird. Installers removed a critical piece of the track without stopping the ride, so the next train that went flew off the track and exploded in mid-air.

Death Count: 20