I swear to God you guys, she said that. Seriously, you don’t understand how much I need this. Just do this one thing for me, you know I’d do it for you. Check this out.

 
100 likes I get the threesome

 
150 likes and it gets to be with another girl

 
200 likes and I post pictures of it

 
300 likes and she won’t tell people I hit her

 
400 likes and I can have Amir Blumenfeld videotape it

450 likes and Jeff Rubin will videotape Amir videotaping it, and we'll post it on CollegeHumor

 
500 likes and she’ll respect me

 
550 likes and I get anal.

My day was going bad, it was.
I burned my tit (spilled coffee) because
I blew my muffler on the interstate
And at home, I have no one with whom to fornicate.

As I walked through my door, just a minute ago
I sat in my computer chair, riding low.
I clicked on a button to open my inbox
And saw your name to my great shock.

Shannon (last name omitted), it did say
It was the best news that I had heard all day.
My mind a'spining with possibility
Because she wanted to subscribe to my column, you see.

Oh, Shannon, you know not how I feel
The joy, the pleasure, it is surreal.
You've made my day, it is true
And all this poem is for you.

Whenever I am sober enough
I promise to send you all my new stuff.
This elation, this happiness, I wish you all could feel it
When someone likes to read your bullshit.

And so I say, to you my dear
It is from you, I wish to hear.
And when you write, please attach to it
Some wholesome, classy naked pics. (just kidding, unless of course, you want to)

Note: not all of my subscribers will receive there own poem.
Another Note: I recently found out that Shannon is a guy, much to my great dismay. Oh well, I'm open to new things I guess