105%-O-Matic's Articles

4 total in July 2009

  • 105%

    Issue One Hundred and Eighteen

    by 105%-O-Matic July 30, 2009


    It's cool. We were invited.

    Every walk is a "Walk of Shame" if you're fat enough.
    -Mike Cence
    Two words that can get you fired the quickest in a Sports Illustrated for Kids pitch meeting
    Swimsuit Issue
    -Adam Newman
    I don't understand why people choose their candles so carefully. They all taste the same to me.
    -Brian Mates
    My mom brought home a step-ladder yesterday. It's so weird not having my real ladder around anymore.
    -Ryan Manning
    If every cigarette I smoke takes minutes off my life, I should start getting up earlier.
    -Michael Lewis
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  • 105%

    Shamelessly Nostalgic "Best of Summer" Issue

    by 105%-O-Matic July 23, 2009


    Blowing through the jasmine in your mind.

    Loser: "I'm into Nickelback."
    Mega-loser: "I was into Nickelback before they were cool."

    -Streeter Seidell
    Worst/Best Newspaper Headline
    Ex-con Pledges to Make Rape History
    -Ben Hutchinson
    "Haley, There's no easy way to tell you this. You were an accident."
    "You told me I was adopted."
    "It was a very big accident."
    -Amir Blumenfeld
    Times Not To Knock On Wood
    "I hope the serial killer doesn't know I'm in the closet!"
    -Sam Reich
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  • 105%

    Issue One Hundred and Seventeen

    by 105%-O-Matic July 16, 2009


    Superior Readability.

    I like to say, "You only live once." Not because I'm adventurous, but because I like pissing off Buddhists.
    -Matt Sandler
    Copernicus Is Your Annoying Mother
    "You know, the world doesn't revolve around you."
    -Patrick Cassels
    My cell phone is anti-Semitic. A Jewish friend called and it said "Restricted."
    -Shawn Pearlman
    I can spell "boobless" on any calculator with any Sharpie.
    -Adam Newman
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  • 105%

    Issue One Hundred and Sixteen

    by 105%-O-Matic July 07, 2009


    This will be on the test.

    Urinals are just God's way of telling us our khakis didn't have enough pee on them.
    -Willie O
    I locked up my bicycle and someone stole my front tire and my seat. I'm on the lookout for anyone riding a unicycle.
    -Shawn Pearlman
    I taught my dog to sit, lay down, roll over and bark -- all at random times of his choosing.
    -Chris Robinson
    The Hardest Question To Answer, For Two Reasons
    Colorblind Toddler: Mommy, why is the sky green?
    -Sarah Schneider
    Is it still called jock itch if it developed from the ball sweat during my 5-hour chess game?
    -Joe Boreman
    I buy oregano from drug dealers in the hopes that they accidentally give me weed.
    -Mesh D
    I like to hit on older women with lots of tattoos. If I can't find any, I'll just have a few drinks and settle for varicose veins.
    -Adam Newman
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