CollegeHumor: User 193715's Articles

CollegeHumor: User 193715's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794721 Issue One Hundred and Thirty Two Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794721 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

No flash caligraphy.

Traffic Ticket

I got a traffic ticket the other day for not getting in any accidents. The cop told me he pulled me over for "wreckless driving."

-Silas VanSky

Thanksgiving at Norman Rockwell's House

"Wait, so we have to stay totally still and not eat anything until the painting's done?"

-Alex Schmidt

Brother

My brother is crazy. Crazy like a fox! Yesterday I saw him eating a possum on the side of the road

-Amir Blumenfeld

Math Question

If a 410 pound gorilla is running east towards the White House at 22 mph, and Whoopi Goldberg is 27 miles behind the gorilla, pursuing him on a motorcycle at 68 mph, how much acid did I do?

-Charlie K

Argument

I always used to punch any kid that said Mario was cooler than Sonic, then they took away my substitute teaching license.

-Caldwell Tanner

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-11-19 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 112 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794040 Issue One Hundred and Thirty One Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1794040 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

The Ordinary Edition.

Howie Mandel

Howie Mandel's soulpatch makes him look like he tried to grow a Hitler-stache but missed by a few inches.

-Andrew B.

Things Considered "A Waste of Time" By Luke Skywalker's Uncle

1. Protecting the galaxy
2. Picking up power converters

-Patrick Cassels

Anonymous

All Alcoholics are Anonymous. After that many drinks, I can't remember my name either.

-Jennifer Morris

Grammar

Drink, drank, drunk. Not a grammar lesson. A progression.

-Kyle Edds

Hamburglar

Shouldn't the Hamburglar be called the Hamburger Burglar?

-Aaron Jackson

Friends' Moms

I'm gonna watch '70s porn until I find a movie with one of my friends' moms in it.

-Matt Pullman

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-11-05 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 46 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1793335 Issue One Hundred and Thirty Thu, 22 Oct 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1793335 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Not suitable for children and the eternally young.

"Saw VI" Used In A Sentence

I Saw VI versions of the same movie.

-Joseph Dominick

Planet of the Apes!

Charlton Heston: APES enslaving HUMANS? Everything in this world is backwards!
Dr. Zaius: So you had ape slaves?

-Patrick Cassels

I got a DUI, but in my defense I had no idea I was driving.

-Aaron Kasar

Mad Rex

Every novel is post-apocalyptic if you're a dinosaur.

-Andrew B.

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-10-22 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 86 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792941 Issue One Hundred and Twenty-Nine Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792941 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Not available in parallel dimensions.

If you go to clown college, what do you call the funniest guy in class?

-Patrick Christopher N.

What They Should Say

If it ain't broke, then you need to fix your grammar.

-Phillip Leland

Buzz Lightyear doesn't understand the definition of infinity.

-Brock Jackson

Happiness

If money can't buy happiness, shouldn't pizza, pot & sex be free?

-Michel Sanchez

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-10-15 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 69 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792625 Issue One Hundred and Twenty-Eight Thu, 08 Oct 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792625 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Please remove tinfoil suit for better reception.

A true optimist would think the glass is half awesome.

-Jeremy D

Next time you see a porn star lying on one of those heart-shaped beds, take a minute to remember the human-shaped bed who donated it before it died.

-Patrick Cassels

I hear Danny Glover hates to watch himself act in his movies. I never knew we had so much in common

-Thomas Muir

Whistling..."

It's just a louder way of breathing.

-Charlie Forsell

Christian Bale: SNL's Greatest Host

"OK, Christian, we're gonna need you to drop 30lbs for the hobo sketch and then gain 50 for the Batman parody. Also, the green body paint arrived for your Kermit impression."

-Jennifer Morris

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-10-08 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 70 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792290 Issue One Hundred and Twenty-Seven Thu, 01 Oct 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792290 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Y2K10 Compatible.

The Commandment Moses "Lost" on the Way Down From Mount Sinai

11. Thou shalt stone to death he who brought these Commandments down

-Patrick Cassels

I got thrown out of my company's annual family picnic, because apparently there are multiple ways to interpret the term "sack race."

-Conor McKeon

You Know You're an Alcoholic if...

...your bottle-opener-chain has some keys on it.

-Raj Clark

I imagine

If you put a scale upside down on the floor it would just explode under the weight of the world.

-Alex Roda

I tried selling drugs to kids but they were too smart. They have someone test coke before they buy.

-Kevin Beal

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-10-01 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 85 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791949 105%: Issue One Hundred and Twenty-Six Thu, 24 Sep 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791949 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Shark Week

Did you hear the one about the appendix? It's a real side-splitter!

-Ryan Manning

I walked in on my parents having sex

You should see my face on the video tape

-Joseph Flowers

Confused Entourage Fan at the Emmys

"How the hell did Kevin Dillon miss out on a best drama nomination *again*?"

-Jim Awesome

Douchebag? Or Schizophrenic Douchebag?

I think my sick Ed Hardy shirt speaks for itself.

-Conor McKeon

I just got done reading a book about podiatry. The footnotes were incredible.

-Joey Diaferia

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-09-24 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 69 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791629 Issue One Hundred and Twenty-Five Thu, 17 Sep 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791629 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

In color. Actually, two colors: black and white.

In school, I gave 110%. No wonder I failed math.

-Eric Van Der Schlogen

My grandfather winked at me when he told a secret, turns out the secret was that he was having a stroke.

-Will Martin

Most boring super-hero battle ever

Aquaman vs. Storm IN OUTER SPACE.

-Gregory Gorasil

I just had a really nice dinner and a lot of wine at the Space Needle in Seattle. I got so drunk the room felt like it wasn't spinning.

-Evan O'Toole

I wonder how cheerleaders on strike protest.

-The NTC

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-09-17 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 84 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791294 Issue One Hundred and Twenty-Four Thu, 10 Sep 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1791294 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Suitable for all ages except the Renaissance.

Door knobs have the most germs, we should stop telling people to slob on them.

-Andrew Roth

I thought it was ironic that my girlfriend had to work on "Labor" Day, though I'm assuming irony wasn't the first thought of whoever had to clean up the placenta in her cubicle.

-Conor McKeon

I've known my best friend since we were in diapers. We met in 7th grade. Middle school was kind of awkward...

-Jon W

Screw Top Wines...

The motto of the people who drink them.

-Joe Petro

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-09-10 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 71 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1790555 Issue One Hundred and Twenty-Three Thu, 27 Aug 2009 15:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1790555 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

In adequately sharp definition!

The Moon landing was a hoax. It was actually Mars. We didn't want to brag.

-Patrick Cassels

I wasn't a bad wrestler because I lost matches or I couldn't make weight. It was the uncontrollable farting whenever I got pinned.

-Adam Newman

I just found out my dad was a huge stud in college. Apparently he banged both the girls across the hall from me during Parents' Day.

-Conor McKeon

Z, the last letter in the alphabet, indicates sleep when there are many. Zzzzz. A, the first letter, indicates being very awake. Aaaaaaa!!!

-Shawn Pearlman

Rule of Thumb

It's not a finger.

-John Baglio

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-08-27 15:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 63 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1790174 Issue One Hundred and Twenty-Two Thu, 20 Aug 2009 14:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1790174 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Available on Zip Drive.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you bore him for a lifetime.

-Boz Worthy

What's the difference between a unicyclist and a pancake?

Nothing, if your driving a steamroller.

-The NTC

A guy at a party was telling me that pennies weren't being made anymore because it actually costs more than once cent to make each penny. I said, "Wow, that's really boring. I wish I was talking to a girl."

-Adam Newman

Nightclub Philosophy

"Listen to a sh*tty '80s band? Well, When in Rome!"

-Patrick Cassels

If you wear a Tool shirt to a party you're saying more about your personality than your music preferences.

-Joe Bella

I took my last midterm on acid. I passed with flying colors.

-Kevin Scanlon

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-08-20 14:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 74 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789791 Issue One Hundred and Twenty Thu, 13 Aug 2009 12:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789791 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

300 Hours Free!

Do cowboys just call them hats?

-Fred Freiking

Allergies

When I was little I was allergic to strawberries. Last week I tried a strawberry, and to my surprise, I still hate my mother.

-Stephenie Ellis

God doesn't get mad. He gets even.

-Matt Z

I was sober for 12 years. And then I turned 12.

-Matt Larkson

Women face a glass ceiling when it comes to professional basketball. Roughly the bottom of the backboard.

-Lunk N

I was reading this book the other day and I couldn't decide if the word was pronounced "caramel" or "carmel." It ends up the word is pronounced "karma," and it's pretty fitting because I just murdered my English teacher.

-Ross Snow

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-08-13 12:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 58 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789242 105%: One Hundred and Nineteen Thu, 06 Aug 2009 12:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789242 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Issue One Hundred and Nineteen

It would probably suck to be Alice Cooper's kid and have to go to summer school.

-Conor McKeon

I stopped a cannibal from eating me by lying on the ground for 5 seconds.

-Gareth Barsby

Should a deaf child's mother wash their child's hands with soap everytime they swear?

-Ben Kamperschroer

Who doesn't love shark week?!?

Oh...right...probably victims and their families.

-Tom Graber

I came out of the closet to my parents last night...

Scared the sh*t out of 'em!

-Kevin Elliott

I think the best part about being tried as an adult in court is you can have cookies as your last meal.

-Conor McKeon

I wouldn't say I believe in God, but I do believe in something bigger and higher than us. Thats why I believe in a bear on stilts.

-Kevin Collins

I get high on drugs because they haven't developed a way to smoke life yet.

-Vincent Brugnoni

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-08-06 12:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 104 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789012 Issue One Hundred and Eighteen Thu, 30 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1789012 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

It's cool. We were invited.

Every walk is a "Walk of Shame" if you're fat enough.

-Mike Cence

Two words that can get you fired the quickest in a Sports Illustrated for Kids pitch meeting

Swimsuit Issue

-Adam Newman

I don't understand why people choose their candles so carefully. They all taste the same to me.

-Brian Mates

My mom brought home a step-ladder yesterday. It's so weird not having my real ladder around anymore.

-Ryan Manning

If every cigarette I smoke takes minutes off my life, I should start getting up earlier.

-Michael Lewis

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-30 12:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 105 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788639 Shamelessly Nostalgic "Best of Summer" Issue Thu, 23 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788639 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Blowing through the jasmine in your mind.

Loser: "I'm into Nickelback."
Mega-loser: "I was into Nickelback before they were cool."

-Streeter Seidell

Worst/Best Newspaper Headline

Ex-con Pledges to Make Rape History

-Ben Hutchinson

"Haley, There's no easy way to tell you this. You were an accident."
"You told me I was adopted."
"It was a very big accident."

-Amir Blumenfeld

Times Not To Knock On Wood

"I hope the serial killer doesn't know I'm in the closet!"

-Sam Reich

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-23 12:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 124 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788161 Issue One Hundred and Seventeen Thu, 16 Jul 2009 12:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1788161 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Superior Readability.

I like to say, "You only live once." Not because I'm adventurous, but because I like pissing off Buddhists.

-Matt Sandler

Copernicus Is Your Annoying Mother

"You know, the world doesn't revolve around you."

-Patrick Cassels

My cell phone is anti-Semitic. A Jewish friend called and it said "Restricted."

-Shawn Pearlman

I can spell "boobless" on any calculator with any Sharpie.

-Adam Newman

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-16 12:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 87 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1787512 Issue One Hundred and Sixteen Tue, 07 Jul 2009 16:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1787512 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

This will be on the test.

Urinals are just God's way of telling us our khakis didn't have enough pee on them.

-Willie O

I locked up my bicycle and someone stole my front tire and my seat. I'm on the lookout for anyone riding a unicycle.

-Shawn Pearlman

I taught my dog to sit, lay down, roll over and bark -- all at random times of his choosing.

-Chris Robinson

The Hardest Question To Answer, For Two Reasons

Colorblind Toddler: Mommy, why is the sky green?

-Sarah Schneider

Is it still called jock itch if it developed from the ball sweat during my 5-hour chess game?

-Joe Boreman

I buy oregano from drug dealers in the hopes that they accidentally give me weed.

-Mesh D

I like to hit on older women with lots of tattoos. If I can't find any, I'll just have a few drinks and settle for varicose veins.

-Adam Newman

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-07-07 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 87 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1787075 Issue One Hundred and Fifteen Tue, 30 Jun 2009 16:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1787075 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Literature's junk drawer.

I was looking at the javelins for our track team. They have a warning label. It says, "Check surroundings for people before throwing." Shouldn't that be standard procedure for everything sharp?

-Michael Lodato

Uncomfortable Riddle

A father and son are in a car accident. The father is killed instantly and the son is rushed to the emergency room. The doctor enters, looks at the boy, and says, "I can't operate on this boy, I'm a woman!"

-Patrick Cassels

I've been having a rough week. My dog was stolen, my car was run over, and my doctor diagnosed me with dyslexia.

-Mike Cence

Never put an exclamation mark at the end of "iPhone." It just looks like you're yelling the word "Phone" in Spanish.

-Shawn Pearlman

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-30 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 114 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1778381 Issue One Hundred and Fourteen Tue, 23 Jun 2009 16:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1778381 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Stick it to Iran: Waste more time on the Internet.

I can count cards. 52 everytime.

-Shawn Pearlman

A man walked into a BAR exam. He didnt study. Ouch.

-The NTC

Adolf Hitler

The original sour Kraut.

-Patrick Cassels

I'm certain Survivor is just a reality show about America. The last person still actually watching is the winner.

-Amir Blumenfeld

To cheat on a test, I just bring a bunch of snapple caps and hope I'm really lucky.

-The NTC

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-23 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 70 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1777843 Issue One Hundred and Thirteen Tue, 16 Jun 2009 16:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1777843 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Turn on, tune in, drop out. In that order EXACTLY.

Every movie made before 1990 should just be called a "premake."

-Andrew B.

They say that neanderthals went extinct because early humans hunted and ate them, which is just horrible. Now I'll never know what they tasted like.

-Streeter Seidell

I was having a conversation the other day that got really awkward because I kept blurting out curse words at random times throughout the discussion. I tried to explain that it was due to a disease that I have. It's called alcoholism.

-Jon Robbins

What came first, HBO or DiGiorno Pizza? Because their slogans are surprisingly similar.

-Shawn Pearlman

Juggling

Juggling is the hardest, most impressive way to get people to not like you.

-Patrick Cassels

Keep Reading

]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-16 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> 88 likes </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />