CollegeHumor: User 193715's Articles http://www.collegehumor.com http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1787075 Issue One Hundred and Fifteen Tue, 30 Jun 2009 16:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1787075 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Literature's junk drawer.

I was looking at the javelins for our track team. They have a warning label. It says, "Check surroundings for people before throwing." Shouldn't that be standard procedure for everything sharp?
-Michael Lodato
Uncomfortable Riddle
A father and son are in a car accident. The father is killed instantly and the son is rushed to the emergency room. The doctor enters, looks at the boy, and says, "I can't operate on this boy, I'm a woman!"
-Patrick Cassels
I've been having a rough week. My dog was stolen, my car was run over, and my doctor diagnosed me with dyslexia.
-Mike Cence
Never put an exclamation mark at the end of "iPhone." It just looks like you're yelling the word "Phone" in Spanish.
-Shawn Pearlman
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-30 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1787075">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1778381 Issue One Hundred and Fourteen Tue, 23 Jun 2009 16:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1778381 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Stick it to Iran: Waste more time on the Internet.

I can count cards. 52 everytime.
-Shawn Pearlman
A man walked into a BAR exam. He didnt study. Ouch.
-The NTC
Adolf Hitler
The original sour Kraut.
-Patrick Cassels
I'm certain Survivor is just a reality show about America. The last person still actually watching is the winner.
-Amir Blumenfeld
To cheat on a test, I just bring a bunch of snapple caps and hope I'm really lucky.
-The NTC
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-23 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1778381">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1777843 Issue One Hundred and Thirteen Tue, 16 Jun 2009 16:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1777843 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Turn on, tune in, drop out. In that order EXACTLY.

Every movie made before 1990 should just be called a "premake."
-Andrew B.
They say that neanderthals went extinct because early humans hunted and ate them, which is just horrible. Now I'll never know what they tasted like.
-Streeter Seidell
I was having a conversation the other day that got really awkward because I kept blurting out curse words at random times throughout the discussion. I tried to explain that it was due to a disease that I have. It's called alcoholism.
-Jon Robbins
What came first, HBO or DiGiorno Pizza? Because their slogans are surprisingly similar.
-Shawn Pearlman
Insulin
The one type of medicine a spoonful of sugar doesn't help go down.
-Brian Fediuk
Juggling
Juggling is the hardest, most impressive way to get people to not like you.
-Patrick Cassels
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-16 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1777843">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1777178 Issue One Hundred and Twelve Tue, 09 Jun 2009 16:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1777178 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Fun out of the sun.

Having fans keeps you cool.
-Streeter Seidell
I can't stop checking my symptoms on WebMD. I really need to stop obsessing over whether or not I have OCD.
-Dan Ders
Signs technological acronyms have gone too far
JCVD HDDVD
-Ron DelGarno
Twitter from an uptight woman
In the women's studies section of the library. The first person to touch me gets a sexual harassment lawsuit.
-Nick Griffith
Snakes that eat other snakes look the same during digestion.
-Alex Turner
My dad used to always tell me, "When life gives you lemons, drink a Mike's Hard Lemonade." My dad was a gay alcoholic.
-Dylan Niles
Guy that doesn't understand puns
I'm on a seafood diet... when I see food, I eat it! But only if it's fish.
-Charles Enderle
Hamlet The Namedropper
"Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio."
-Shawn Pearlman
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-09 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1777178">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1776709 Issue One Hundred and Eleven Tue, 02 Jun 2009 16:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1776709 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Smoking kills. Especially when it's a smoking hotel full of people.

I'm a recovering alcoholic in the sense that I like to drink to recover from my hangovers.
-Jon Robbins
I went on a raw food diet. I'm only consuming nachos, hot dogs, beer, and anything else they sell at WWE Raw.
-Adam Newman
I am terrible with the Internet and computers. I realized this the other day when I was online and couldn't find any pornography.
-Justin Perry
My boyfriend and I fight about the future a lot. I want two boys and a girl, and he thinks the Earth is going to be destroyed by robots in 2023.
-Sarah Schneider
I wonder if fish vaginas sometimes smell like human.
-Steve Strzyzynski
I recently gave a speech at a nudist colony. I was nervous, so I imagined everyone in the crowd with their skin off.
-Dan Gurewitch
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-06-02 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1776709">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1776363 Issue One Hundred and Ten Tue, 26 May 2009 16:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1776363 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Rated "R" for the hell of it.

Foley artists use everyday objects to create movie sound effects. For example, to replicate screaming, they use a saw and a leg.
-Shawn Pearlman
I thought the movie Cliffhanger would have a more ambiguous ending.
-Adam Newman
Words To Live By
- Neighbor
- Street
- Cul-de-sac
- Other houses
-Rene B
My mom and dad are actually brother and sister. Not each other's, but still. Gross!
-Amir Blumenfeld
Sad: "I drank so much last night, I can't even remember what happened."
Sadder: "I ate so much last night, I can't even remember what happened."
-Dan Gurewitch
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-05-26 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1776363">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1776092 Issue One Hundred and Nine Tue, 19 May 2009 17:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1776092 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

No money down. The more you owe us, the better.

Isn't it funny that things that are the least scary, like puppies or little old ladies, are the scariest to see driving cars?
-Kyle Kallman
My aunt is so allergic to dogs, her eyes start watering even when I mention her dead dog.
-Shawn Pearlman
School House Classic Rock: I'm just a Bill. Yes I'm only a Bill. And I'm sitting here on Capital Hill. Well It's a long, long way to the capital city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Oh won't you please take me home.
-Price Garrison
Eunuchs. UNIX. Either way, no sex is involved.
-Chris M
I usually don't sugar coat things because then I end up eating them.
-Cecilia Nguyen
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-05-19 17:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1776092">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1775649 Issue One Hundred and Eight Tue, 12 May 2009 16:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1775649 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Do not panic. The rashes are normal.

"Ithaca is Gorges." Ithaca is known for two things: bad puns, and high suicide rates. Coincidence?
-Eric Clendening
Arranged Marriage
Do your parents like my parents? Check Yes or No.
-Boo Radley
I love eating baby carrots because they satisfy my needs for vitamins and infanticide simultaneously.
-Brian McFadden
I don't kiss and tell, but I f*cked a girl last night. I can tell you that because I made it clear... no kissing.
-Dan Gurewitch
It was so beautiful out this weekend, I woke up extra early on Saturday to paint my windows black.
-Patrick Cassels
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-05-12 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1775649">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1775287 105%: Issue One Hundred and Seven Tue, 05 May 2009 16:03:23 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1775287 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Now with 10% more funny!

I feel like I am becoming to much of a yuppie nowadays, because every time I smoke pot I get the brunchies.
-Jason Saenz
You're momma's so old...
The odds are good you have Downs Syndrome.
-Kacie Peters
Swine Flew
Several news organizations are reporting there might be a worldwide epidemic...when pigs fly!
-Andrew B.
Germany, the original Polish remover.
-Ruck Ruck
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-05-05 16:03:23 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1775287">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774893 Issue One Hundred and Six Tue, 28 Apr 2009 16:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774893 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Keys made while you wait. Though not necessarily yours.

I thought of the only good Nicolas Cage movie the other day. It's a documentary in which Nicolas Cage is legally forbidden from making any more movies
-Chris Trusk
Buddhist Suicide Note
BRB, cruel world!
-Brendan Bell
I saw a t-shirt that said "raaaaaawr means 'I love you' in dinosaur." That can't be right, that's what my dinosaur said before she broke up with me.
-Samuel Center
Hay fever and disco fever are very similar. The only difference is with disco fever you're snorting cocaine not snot.
-Kenny Davis
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, 'I wanna watch'.
-Anony Mous
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-04-28 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774893">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774504 The "Slightly Better of 105%" 105th Issue Spectacular Tue, 21 Apr 2009 16:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774504 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

An issue for every day of the year.
(You don't count May through August, right?)

"I'm drunk, you're Asian, let's f*ck," has never worked as a pick-up line for me. But I refuse to throw it away, at least until I get to try it out on an Asian.
-Adam Newman
I recently walked in on my son smoking pot, and thought, "That's weird, I don't have any kids."
-Marc Butcavage
Proud Thoughts on Obama's Inauguration
This must be how white people felt when George Washington became President.
-Tim C.
My dog threw up yesterday all over my hand, because that's what I shoved down its mouth.
-Shawn Pearlman
They say knowledge is power. But what if you know you're a pussy?
-Rene Benavidez
What do you call an ugly girl with no arms? Sorry I meant, "Why."
-Amir Blumenfeld
Time Machines
Is the fact that we don't see people from the future suddenly appearing all over an indication that time machines will never be invented, or that we just live in a very boring time?
-Japser Japser
Drug Test
I figured I had failed my company's drug test because I put "C" for every answer. Turns it they just wanted a urine sample. I was really high that day.
-Conor McKeon
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-04-21 16:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774504">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774015 Issue One Hundred and Four Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:18:50 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774015 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Go Tarheels. Not the team, the horrific rare animals.

The only thing more satisfying than peeing in the pool is peeing into the pool.
-Willie Huff
Every toilet is a bidet if you're desperate.
-P. Kraft
She thinks she's my girlfriend, but it's really just a 146-night stand.
-Richy Arnold
Cannibalism
I have enough meat on my body to feed me for the rest of my life.
-Lee Pederson
When I was a kid I used to dunk on a 7' hoop in my driveway and wait for an NBA scout to drive by and draft me. Unfortunately the chance of that happening was very slim; I lived in a culdesac.
-Adam Newman
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-04-14 17:18:50 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1774015">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1773606 Issue One Hundred and Three Tue, 07 Apr 2009 18:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1773606 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

The Yoohoo to actual reading's chocolate milk.

The Newest "Lost" Mystery: What happened to Jack's balls?
-Patrick Cassels
I believe the bible is literally god's word and command, so I always skip celebrating Passover.
-Ian Pickus
My friend asked me if I wanted to do a line of coke the other day. I said, "No, I don't want to get too f*cked up tonight. Just give me a line segment."
-Tim MacKenzie
Jack Button
What if you mixed Robin Williams' character from 'Jack' and Brad Pitt in 'Benjamin Button', not to attempt to cure anything, but just to see how awful the movie that came out of it would be...
-Trevor T
Pleasant Surprise
All this time, I thought the movie "Monsters vs. Aliens" was a sequel to "Alien vs. Predator". Boy was I mistaken.
-Justin Gamble
If I had a nickel for every time I've had to apologize for running over your pets and burying them in your yard before you came home, I would have ten cents.
-Tyson Wiebe
I'm not an alcoholic; I'm just freelance quality assurance for the beer industry
-Ben Cox
I think it is ironic A-Rod was getting nasty with that octogenarian Madonna and he is the one who ends up throwing out his hip.
-Adam Mowery
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-04-07 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1773606">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1773160 Issue One Hundred and Two Tue, 31 Mar 2009 18:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1773160 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Open 24 hours, because our lease only lasts a day.

Unfortunate
If you pay to see a fortune teller, odds are you have no future.
-Emilia Tessaro
English muffins? The English are clearly retarded.
-Adam Newman
I'm the kind of person who laughs at their mistakes, which is why it's really hard for me to hang out with my kids.
-Ryan Pashley
New Jersey Games
My favorite city is Hoboken which coincidentally is my favorite character in Street Fighter 2: Homeless Edition.
-Chris Lataille
I find it terrifying that Amazon named their digital book after something that burns very easily.
-Patrick Cassels
Keep Reading
]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-03-31 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1773160">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1772844 Issue One Hundred and One Tue, 24 Mar 2009 23:07:24 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1772844 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Days Since Last Accident: 0

My psychic is a gifted blind man. He has a fifth sense.
-Rick Morphew
Bikini contest? I'll be the judge of that!
-Kirk Mullen
I'm a workaholic. My boss told me that if he catches me drinking on the job again, I'm fired.
-Jay Stellers
I get confused when I hear people saying Lebron James is going to be the next Michael Jordan, because still to this date I haven't seen a single preview for Space Jam 2.
-Kyle Bradley
Emo Forrest Gump
When Forrest said life was like a box of chocolates, was he saying that life is a cheap and unoriginal present that's only truly enjoyable for a maximum of three days?
-John Brodish
Have you seen the Broadway musical "The Dictionary"?It's a play on words
-Eric Bolo
I called Gieco for a quote they told me to "seize the day"
-Craig Goble
Did You Know
Peanut butter contains the ingredient rape-seed? Which explains why my sandwhiches are always screaming.
-Devin Wall
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-03-24 23:07:24 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1772844">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1772362 Issue One Hundred: St. Patrick's Day Drinking Problem Edition Tue, 17 Mar 2009 18:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1772362 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>
A lot of my friends take alcoholism very seriously, but it's more of a Christmas and Easter thing for me.
-John O'Connor
I thought getting my dog drunk would be really funny, but he just throws up like everyone else.
-Andrew Roth
If funerals were like college parties
How did I know the deceased? I didn't, but one of my friends did and said there would be free beer.
-Hillary Fink
TI just invented a new cocktail combining my two favorite drinks:a sex on the beach and a Manhattan. It's called a Sex and the City.
-Shawn Pearlman
"I'm drunk, you're Asian, let's f*ck," has never worked as a pick-up line for me. But I refuse to throw it away, at least until I get to try it out on an Asian.
-Adam Newman
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-03-17 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1772362">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1771952 Issue Ninety-Nine Tue, 10 Mar 2009 18:00:00 -0400 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1771952 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Reading can be fun. Oh wait, that's water slides.

I don't know which fate is worse: No longer being able to wear those millennium New Years novelty glasses after 2010, or having eyes so deformed you can.
-Patrick Cassels
Bliss
If ignorance is bliss, why does the KKK always seem so angry?
-Dustin Davis
I feel like Cesar Millan is just a very specific version of The Beastmaster.
-Jenny Gustafson
It's ironic that I make instant oatmeal but then don't do crap for an hour.
-Linda Gresham
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-03-10 18:00:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1771952">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1771697 Issue Ninety-Eight Tue, 03 Mar 2009 18:13:00 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1771697 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

The totally [expletive] awesome unrated edition.

World War Two could have been called World War Too.
-Tim MacKenzie
Tongue Twister
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if someone gave a f*ck to measure.
-Brian Foster
If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don't eat it: It's probably poison.
-Timmy Dale
Bad Day
I walked in on my dad having sex with my mom earlier today. It was so gross, especially since my mom's been dead for two years.
-J Linback
If you want your relationship to last, it's all about listening. I had no idea that was the case until I met what's her name.
-John Loftin
long island
"I laughed so hard muscle milk came out my nose"!
-Mark F
Women
Women dye their hair, put makeup on, get a liposuction, get a boobjob and then they complain there is no real men out there...
-Wojtek Bryniak
I was rapped by a werewolf...and now every time there's a full moon I throw up.
-Danny Kitson
If abortion is murder, then blowjobs are cannibalism and masturbation is mass genocide.
-Tom Fulp
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-03-03 18:13:00 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1771697">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1771305 Issue Ninety-Seven Wed, 25 Feb 2009 08:08:21 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1771305 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

18 to party, 21 to party legally.

I overheard a guy say that he was knee-deep in pussy. I was really impressed; I didn't even realize you could go in foot first.
-Adam Newman
The road to Amish country is paved with good intentions.
-Steve H.
People complain that the only two constants in this world are death and taxes, but it's just not true. The kid I hit with my car never paid taxes.
-Steve H.
Fur is murder, especially when it's human fur.
-Cock Blockula
Whenever I buy Wendy's chili, I just pour it directly into the toilet. It's like time-traveling 20 minutes into the future.
-Cock Blockula
I want to catch a freight car and carry a bindle, no hobo.
-Josh Heller
The recession is so bad...
I had to stop shopping at the dollar store and switch to the Canadian dollar store.
-Ryan Adams
My high school chess club was actually pretty similar to fight club. We both had the same first rule and the members generally got beaten up a lot.
-Ryan Adams
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-02-25 08:08:21 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1771305">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr /> http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1770921 Issue Ninety-Six Wed, 18 Feb 2009 08:15:38 -0500 http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1770921 <table border=0 width="360px"> <tr> <td colspan=2>

Did someone say, "Help!"

Kill the cheerleader, save the series.
-Rame Thomas
America's Funniest Home Videos should be renamed America Thinks This Sh*t Is Funny But Hasn't Seen It On A Giant Tape.
-Ezz Pigman
My '88 Honda Civic
My car has been making all sorts of noises lately. From my steering column being squeaky to my vibrating muffler to whatever the hell that noise in my engine is, I can't even drown it out with my stereo anymore. It really sucks because I'm not sure I have the money for louder speakers.
-Tyler Reiriz
The road to diabetes will be sweet.
-Sam Hinson
Race
I finished a race that ended at the Norway-Finland border. So you might say I crossed the Finnish line.
-Ben Long
The hippie and the prosecutor
My mom was a hippie and my dad a prosecutor. Sometimes people say, Like Dharma & Greg! Yeah, except it sucked FOR REAL.
-Matt Ruby
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]]> </td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan=2> <hr> </td> </tr> <tr><td valign="top" width="35px"> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715"><img src="http://3.media.collegehumor.com/collegehumor/ch6/0/3/collegehumor.32aef8c071da54cebf90f683568f0d30.jpg"></a> </td> <td valign="top"> Written 2009-02-18 08:15:38 by <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/user:193715">105%-O-Matic</a> <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/school:1446"></a> <p> <img src="http://www.collegehumor.com/artwork/icon_likeIt_noLink.gif" align="texttop" /> likes so far. <a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1770921">Be the first!</a> </p> </td> </tr> </table> <hr />