Some excerpts from the zombie population's answer to the popular book 'The Zombie Survival Guide.'

1. JJ ABRAMS (writer of Gone Fishin')

The master of the overly complex mysteries of Lost/Alias/Fringe, omnipresent lens flares of Star Trek, and frizzy hair of Felicity hasn't always been able to spin engaging plots with fresh, interesting characters. In fact, JJ (at the time known as "Jeffrey") may have made the most ridiculously, jaw-droppingly bad buddy comedy of all-time: Gone Fishin'. In case the pairing of Joe Pesci and Danny Glover as wacky fishin' pals who get into wild hijinks in an attempt to go fishing (really) isn't enough for you, just watch the film and prepare for his greatest mystery of all: how did this movie ever got made? Nothing is funny, the hijinks are non-sensical, and it contains possibly the most uncomfortable Willie Nelson cameo of all-time. SPOILER ALERT! They don't even catch any fish.

Extra Bit of Ridiculous: Dean Cain's dad directed it.

 

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2. JOSS WHEDON (writer of Alien: Resurrection)

 

Millions of geeks praise everything Joss Whedon touches without even needing to think. Joss Whedon has a new show? IT WAS THE MOST BRILLIANT SHOW OF ALL-TIME! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT GOT CANCELLED! Joss Whedon makes a sandwich? SINGLE GREATEST SANDWICH EVER! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT GOT EATEN! Joss Whedon makes a third sequel to Alien? IT WAS THE...oh, the one with Winona Ryder? Ew. That crap was terrible. Whedonites try to forget their Lord/Master/Rich Man's Diablo Cody ever had his hand in that pot, but helping Winona Ryder stay employed is something that should be punishable by death.

Extra Bit of Ridiculous: The director's next film? Amelie.

Learning a language, exploring new cultures, and broadening one's horizons are all really boring reasons to study abroad. Roll-over to see what students really expect overseas.

Link, Encino Man

In Encino Man, Brendan Fraser plays a caveman who's thawed out in contemporary Encino, California. Of course, by "plays" I mean grunts and dances to punk rock, and by "contemporary" I mean the early '90s of a teen movie. This implies all sorts of period nods like roller coasters, skateboards, and an MTV-like channel surfing montage that teaches "Link" the ins and outs of how to be a human being. Or, more specifically, a person trying to survive a Pauly Shore movie (see: making weasel sounds and stuffing your face with burritos).

Ever have a sh*tty job that you wanted to complain about in a weekly submission-based column named after Blink-182 lyrics? Send your submissions to worksuxiknow[at]gmail.com!

I work as a concierge at a fancy retirement home, so I'm running in and out of people's rooms a lot.  The other day I went into a resident's room to give him some paperwork and he was sitting about 8 feet away from his big-screen TV watching soft-core porn with binoculars. He didn't seem to mind me witnessing this and signed the papers without even turning off the TV.
-Eric

I am a high school history teacher in Sonoma, California.  Today I was teaching the students about the Ancient Israelites.  I had them do a warmup by writing all they knew about Judaism in a paragraph.  One kid wrote nothing.  I came over and asked her the easy question, "Well, do you know where the Hebrews lived?" as a way to get an answer out of her.  She replied very seriously, "Aren't they from Switzerland?".... I have to teach these kids for the rest of the school year.
-Jim

This overweight chocolate lab came into the doggy daycare place I work at today. It turns out this lab had eaten the owner's wallet earlier in the day and wanted to let him know if we could recover anything. Sure enough, the dog threw up several unidentifiable items along with a 5 dollar bill that had been ripped into at least 10 different pieces. This guy I work with picked through the vomit and managed to find and tape all the pieces together. He said it was worth it.
-Forrest, University of Colorado

The Simpsons has taken historical, cultural, and political people and events and turned them into the butts of the longest-running satire in television history. Most of the time they're making fun of something that just happened, but what about all those times when The Simpsons created it first? Does this mean the show can predict the future? See for yourself.
 

The Simpsons: Springfield gets a casino. For entertainment, a German magic-and-animals act named Gunter and Ernst, a parody of real life Las Vegas act Siegfried and Roy, perform magic tricks and stunts with two tigers. However, the act ends earlier than planned when Gunter and Ernst are mauled by one of the cats, Anastasia.
("$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)"Season 5, Episode 10)
Real Life: In 2003, Roy Horn of Siegfried and Roy was attacked during a live performance by Montecore, one of their white tigers. He suffered bites to the neck that caused severe damage to several nerves, rendering him unable to walk for nearly three years.

George Steinbrenner, SeinfeldMany of TV's never-seen characters serve as omnipotent gurus whose baritone voices provide much-needed wisdom, like explaining to Tim why his wife's mental health is more important than the Detroit Auto Show. But nobody in Seinfeld's twisted New York was this rational -- not Jerry's neurotic best friends, not the fascist soup proprietor down the street, and certainly not the show's resident unseen force: New York Yankees owner (and boss of George Costanza) George Steinbrenner, whose nasally, scratchy voice (provided by series co-creator Larry David) offered George less advice, and more endless diatribes on the best place to sit in a hot tub and the many virtues of the calzone.

In light of the release of the most recent Terminator movie, I started to think about Arnold Schwarzenegger's career over the last twenty-five years. Of course, when most people think of Arnold, they think of Conan the Barbarian or Predator or Total Recall. But he is an actor who should be seen as the man beyond the muscles. He is so much more than a killing machine.


1. Kindergarten Cop (1990): John Kimble

If you thought that Arnold was badass when he was trying to kill Sarah Connor's unborn child in The Terminator (1984), your mind will be blown by the badassery of Kindergarten Cop as Detective Arnold protects a class of innocent kindergarteners.  Arnold has a ferret that only bites bad guys! And he's a bad teacher! And he does not have a too-mah! Who cares about illegal hijinks when there is the possibility of an Arnold vs. Kindergarteners blowout? It would have been an awesome twist, although it may have boosted the rating a little bit.  But it will most likely be the plot of Kindergarten Cop 2: The Next Generation. Just wait.  You'll see.  He can't be Governor forever. 

PostSecret is a place where guilty people upload handmade confessions, allowing them to combine 'art' with 'anonymous complaining.' But it's been around longer than you think.

Teacher: So who can tell me when the war of 1812 ended?
Jake: Um, was it 1-
Aragorn: I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I swear to you I will not let the White City fall, nor our people fail.
Jake: I was gonna say-
Teacher: Let Aragorn finish.
Jake: But he obviously doesn't know the answer...
Aragorn: Be at peace, Son of Gondor.
Teacher: Aragorn you get to be Valedictorian!


Jake: Hey, Jessica... Um. Hi. I was wondering if. Do you wanna go to the prom with-
Aragorn: Lady Jessica. When we first met, I thought I had wandered into a dream.
Jessica: Oh... Aragorn.
Aragorn: Bind yourself to me, forsaking the immortal life of your people.  And let me escort you to the Junior Prom.
Jessica: I'm going to french you on the tongue.
Jake: What did he say about binding?

Hand-holding. The most harmless part of a relationship, right? DEAD. WRONG. Hand-holding is a dangerous craft, and how you execute it says more about your relationship than you'll ever know.

	The Interlock The ultimate hand-hold. Confucious once said, "the truest sign of love is whether or not your finger pits touch when you hold hands." He also said "you will probably stop watching The Simpsons after the 9th season," so you know he's wise as hell.
	The Bread Basket You're committed, but you're not having sex. Why? Because this hand-hold is lame. Stop holding hands like a grandmother. And if you're dating your grandmother, well, then, I guess it's okay. But YIKES.
	2 in the Pink A single-digit hand-hold, really? That's the best you can do? This isn't a teenage girl hand-slapping game. Claim that hand! Claim it like Sacajawea claimed the Louisiana Purchase! Right?
	The Chinese Greeting What the f*ck are you doing? Do you even know how to hold hands? This must be so uncomfortable for both of you, seriously. Just stop it. Stop everything.

Remember a while ago when we hired a new illustrator and he worked on a few pet projects for us?Well, we got a new one and he was cool enough to do some work on this awesome comic strip Jake and I have been brainstorming for a while. Enjoy.

Oh, and Pat whined until he got his own panel in this one as well.

An old man turned ninety-eight. He won the lottery and died the next day... of chronic emphysema from inhalation of the latex particles scratched off decades' worth of lottery tickets.

A black fly in your Chardonnay... poured to celebrate the successful fumigation of your recently purchased vineyard in southern France.

A death row pardon two minutes too late... because the governor was too busy watching Dead Man Walking to grant clemency any earlier.

Rain on your wedding day... to Ra, the Egyptian sun-god.

A free ride when you've already paid... all of your money to the good-natured cab driver when you mistook him for a mugger.

The good advice that you just didn't take... after reading Norman Vincent Peale's The Power of Positive Thinking and resolving that the key to success is making your own decisions.

Mr. Play-it-Safe was afraid to fly. He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye. He waited his whole damn life to take that flight. And as the plane crashed down, he thought, Well isn't this nice... now I'll never make it to the National Association of Aviophobics conference in Reno, NV.

A traffic jam when you're already late... to receive an award from the Municipal Planning Board for reducing the city's automobile congestion 80 percent.

A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break... at the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco corporate offices in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.

Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife... with which to kill your spouse for sleeping with the young soup chef who works at the Au Bon Pain.

Meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife... who happens to be the psychiatrist I recently hired in hopes of improving my luck with the opposite sex.

	Wow, this actually feels nice. I could see this maybe going somewhere. But more importantly, if I’m really quiet I think I can stick it in again while she’s still sleeping.
	God dammit. I KNEW I shouldn’t have ignored the fact that she had more armpit hair than me. Or that half-formed ballsac.
	Ohhh crap. Oh crap oh crap oh crap. I can’t believe I used the ‘let’s be more than just friends’ line to get laid. Or the ‘you understand me better than anyone else’ line. Or the ‘I want you to be my girlfriend after this’ line.